1. Failure to follow the law or social norms
2. Repeated lying or deceitfulness
3. Impulsivity
4. Aggression and irritability
5. Disregard for their own safety or that of others
6. Consistently irresponsible
7. Lack of remorse for hurting or mistreating others.

However, that doesn’t mean that the other 24 fish-holding, selfie-taking cuties who cross your screen are all paragons of empathy and respect. Some of these folks may not have antisocial personality disorder, but still display sociopathic tendencies. After all, “an individual must meet three or more of the [above] criteria for antisocial personality disorder in order to receive a diagnosis,” explains psychotherapist Courtney Glashow, LCSW, founder of Anchor Therapy LLC. Thus, it’s possible for someone to consistently have a few sociopathic traits without having the diagnosable condition. Someone with sociopathic tendencies might, for instance, lack empathy for others, but still be a law-abiding, job-holding individual, she says.

Dating folks who have any number of these traits can be quite painful. And healing from the wounds they leave in their wake requires self-compassion, as well as a sound support system. Ahead, learn more about why dating someone with sociopathic tendencies can be so disorienting, and how to recover from dating a sociopath (or someone with those traits) after calling it quits.

Why dating someone with sociopathic tendencies can be disorienting

Experts say it is common for people with sociopathic tendencies to use a number of manipulation tactics to wrap people—particularly lovers and romantic partners—around their fingers.

In the beginning, sociopaths and people with those traits commonly use mirroring (mimicking or matching someone else’s verbal cues and body language) or love bombing (employing over-the-top affection, flattery, gifts, and attention) to make you feel instantly connected to them, says Naiylah Warren, LMFT, therapist and clinical content manager at Real. “In romantic connections, it can be hard to distinguish between performative intimacy—such as the intimacy created by those who love bomb or mirror—and genuine intimacy,” she says. As a result, these tactics are unfortunately effective at making someone feel like they’ve met their soul mate.

“It is common for people with sociopathic tendencies to gaslight that the issue is made up in your head, or that your emotions are not grounded in reality.” —Courtney Glashow, LCSW

Later on in the relationship, someone with sociopathic tendencies might gaslight you when conflict arises. “It is common for these people to gaslight that the issue is made up in your head, or that your emotions are not grounded in reality,” says Glashow. The intent of a person with sociopathic tendencies here, she says, isn’t to resolve whatever conflict has arisen or to soothe your emotions, but rather to control their partner. As you might guess, “over time, these tactics make you doubt your own feelings, instincts, and ultimately your view of reality,” Warren says.

Signs it’s time to reconsider the relationship

A relationship with someone with sociopathic tendencies is likely not a healthy one, according to Glashow. Healthy relationships, she says, are marked by mutual empathy, respect, and open communication. These are things that many people with sociopathic tendencies are not able to provide.

As a result, “these relationships often end up feeling one-sided, and result in the person without these tendencies being manipulated,” she says. In extreme situations, the person with sociopathic tendencies may abuse their partner. “If you are dating someone with these tendencies, it is very likely that you experienced emotional abuse at some point in that relationship,” adds Glashow.

As much as you may love this individual, you probably need to leave this relationship, she says, adding that in order for this person to change their sociopathic ways, they would need to get professional help to gain some empathy.

“There is no right or wrong way to get out of a relationship with someone with sociopathic tendencies,” says Glashow. But, she suggests consulting a licensed mental-health therapist who can help you come up with a break-up plan based on your current financial and housing situation, as well as the particularities of your partner. Likely, your plan will involve going no-contact, a whole lot of self care, learning how to trust again, and leaning on your support system. (More on these things below).

How to recover from dating someone with sociopathic tendencies

Yes, dating someone with sociopathic tendencies can be incredibly disorienting. But trust, you won’t feel disconnected from reality forever. These strategies can help.

1. Seek therapy if you’re able

If you’ve been in a relationship with someone who has exhibited sociopathic tendencies and haven’t already reached out to a mental health provider, consider doing so ASAP, suggests Glashow. You’d ideally find a provider who specializes in relationships, trauma, grief, and domestic violence, says Glashow.

“The right provider will be able to validate your experience, teach you how to cope with the psychological impact of the relationship, and help you rebuild both trust in others as well as trust in yourself,” Warren says.

This provider will, for example, remind you (as often as you need to be reminded) that it is not your fault that you fell for that person’s shenanigans. Nor is it any family members’ or friends’ fault that they didn’t see this coming. After all, people with sociopathic tendencies are savants of manipulation.

2. Lean on your support system

Being romantically and/or sexually entangled with someone with sociopathic tendencies can make you feel like you’re living on another planet. Warren says talking to and leaning on the people in your life who don’t have these tendencies can help bring you back to reality. These are the people who have repeatedly proven to be steady, compassionate fixtures, she says.

In addition to helping you learn how to trust again, “your support system [helps] you rebuild the parts of your life that might have been affected by this relationship,” she says. For instance, if you were living with this individual, healing from the relationship will require a relocation. Your support system will be able to put you up for a few days, weeks, or months—or simply help you haul boxes of stuff from your old place to a new one.

3. Connect with others who have been in the same boat

Sadly, you are not the first person who has experienced hurt at the hands of someone with sociopathic tendencies. After having your entire reality called into question, Glashow says finding others through social media who have experienced what you have can be both stabilizing and soothing to have it reiterated that you’re not the only person who has ever gone through this devastation.

It can also re-instill hope, she says. “Likely, you will find someone was able to get out of this type of relationship and grow into an even better person after getting out of the relationship.”

4. Educate yourself

“Reading about a topic can always be helpful,” says Glashow. And that stands when the topic is sociopathic tendencies and antisocial personality disorder.

Educating yourself about sociopathic tendencies and antisocial personality disorder, “can validate what you are going through,” she says. “It can help you understand that they need professional help, it’s not your fault, and it also not on you to change them.”

This article is a great place to start! Other popular books on the topic include: The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, Confessions of A Sociopath by M.E Thomas, and The Sociopath at The Breakfast Table by Dr. Jane McGregor.

2 key differences between a rough patch and a relationship-ending event

The presence—or absence of—trust and respect is a good metric to distinguish between an obstacle to work through together or something that breaks a couple up. Many issues can be worked through if you still trust and respect your partner, according to relationship coach Adelle Kelleher, founder of Coaching Hearts Consulting. For example, even something that can seem major, like if someone was unfaithful, can just be a rough patch if the trust and respect is still there or can be recovered.

The presence—or absence of—trust and respect is a good metric to distinguish between an obstacle to work through together or something that breaks a couple up.

When evaluating whether an event is a bump in the road or the end of the road, Kelleher advises asking yourself how you feel about your partner. “If you are able to communicate through it and afterwards are still able to trust and respect that person from a non judgmental standpoint that could be a rough patch you can move past,” she says. “But if you feel like no matter what, at the end of the day, you’re always going to question them, then that may be the reason for ending the relationship.”

Understanding and accepting your partner’s motivations

Another key piece of distinguishing between a rough patch and a reason to break up is knowing about the motivations behind your partner’s actions, says Jess Carbino, PhD, former sociologist at Tinder and Bumble. If you know what drives your partner’s behaviors, that can help you figure out if something is able to be worked through or not.

Another key metric to look at is whether your partner accepts you for who you are. Dr. Carbino says this doesn’t mean partners have to like everything about their S.O., and that pushing one another and growing together is part of a healthy partnership. But if you feel like your partner is always judging and disrespecting who you fundamentally are and what you value, that’s a relationship red flag you don’t want to ignore.  “If you feel like this person will never fully accept you for who you are or is being critical of you on a regular basis and doesn’t respect you, I think that is the sign that it is not a rough patch, but rather an unbridgeable conflict or issue in the context of the relationship,” she says.

Dr. Carbino adds that everyone has a relationship signature that follows them around in their partnerships—like struggles with intimacy or fears about commitment. Whether or not these patterns become stumbles or end points in relationships is about whether both partners can accept and work through their own signature issues, plus those of the other person. To Dr. Carbino, this is the difference between what’s bent out of shape and what’s broken.

How to differentiate between disagreements and deal-breakers

As Logan Levkoff, PhD, sex and relationship expert, previously told Well+Good, “a deal-breaker is something that challenges your core values.” These are the types of conflicts that will be difficult to sort through because they signal vastly different desires and needs; anything can be a dealbreaker, depending on the person.

For example, would be if two people disagree about wanting children or if they come from vastly different religions, says Laura Louis, PhD, psychologist and founder of Atlanta Couple Therapy. If you find that the boundaries around your values are constantly being pushed or violated, that could be a sign it’s time to head for the exits instead of something to work through together. (Dr. Carbino adds that any kind of abuse, whether physical, emotional, or verbal should be considered a dealbreaker.)

Beyond the presence of trust and respect, conflict resolution is a key indicator of the viability of a relationship

Remember: The presence of conflict itself is not a reason to break up, necessarily because conflict in any relationship—even healthy ones—is inevitable, according to Dr. Louis. And arguing and fighting fairly can actually benefit a relationship by bringing any lingering issues to the surface. Where people run into trouble however, Dr. Louis says, is when conflict happens without communication. She says that if someone stonewalls, or shuts down without communicating, the problems can fester. And not communicating can cause these issues to warp into relationship problems.  But it’s also important to recognize if you find yourself constantly fighting with your partner in a draining, damaging way.

As you progress in your relationship, you may discover that you want different things than your partner. According to Dr. Louis, this also doesn’t necessarily have to mean it’s time to break up, and could signal that it’s a rough patch that can be worked through. “Most couples have perpetual problems where there’s not necessarily going to be a solution, but they can come to an understanding and a place of respect for each other and compromise,” she says. For example, disagreements about money aren’t inconsequential, but they may be able to be worked through if both people make compromises. “It may not ever be completely resolved,” Dr. Louis says, “but if they can compromise, those couples are able to stand the test of time.”

“Anger is an easier emotion to grasp rather than true sadness,” says Christie Kederian, EdD, a psychotherapist and dating coach. “Often, anger is described as the secondary emotion whose root is sadness. In breakups that aren’t someone’s fault, the primary emotion of sadness is easier to access than anger. When there is no one to blame, you are left confronting the true grief of the loss.”

“In breakups that aren’t someone’s fault, sadness is easier to access than anger. With no one to blame, you confront the true grief of the loss.” —Christie Kederian, EdD, psychotherapist

No-fault breakups sometimes may have a complete lack of any emotion at all, though. A mutual breakup can be easier to move on from, according to Lisa Lawless, PhD, an AASECT-certified psychotherapist specializing in clinical psychology, relationships, and sexual health. Whether due to a lack of chemistry, different life goals or values, or an unwillingness to commit, a truly joint decision can be easier to accept because “both partners see that it was not a good match,” she says.

What’s more likely, however—even in the event of clear incompatibility—is that one person initiates the breakup, and an emotional disparity is what remains. “It is crucial to recognize that the person who decides to end the relationship often has had the opportunity to accept the decision and may be more at peace,” says Nazanin Moali, PhD, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist. “This discrepancy in emotional processing can create an imbalance in the healing process, making it more challenging for the person who did not initiate the breakup to move on.”

Dr. Moali also says this dynamic can create a sense of powerlessness—and the endless replaying of “what if?” scenarios. “This lack of control can lead to increased anxiety and distress, as the experience implies that such an event could happen to us again, and it’s harder for us to identify ways to prevent or mitigate the risk of similar situations in future relationships,” she says.

Another negative-leaning result of a nebulous ending to a relationship is self-blame. “People end up blaming themselves because when there is someone to blame, it’s easier to release difficult emotions,” says Dr. Kederian.

Dr. Kederian adds that self-blamers often take the negative thought-processing a step further: “The other person can often feel like there’s something wrong with them and not that they did something wrong, which ends up leading to shame rather than guilt.” Whereas guilt results from feeling as though you made a specific mistake, shame stems from feelings that you, in general, are the problem. “The shame that lingers after a no-fault breakup can be very detrimental.”

How to move on from a no-fault breakup

Acceptance is often the hardest step for those on the receiving end of a no-fault breakup. “Accepting the breakup is vital, and your willingness to accept the split will make the grieving process much shorter,” says Dr. Lawless. Still, she adds, these breakups “can cause people to feel lost and unclear about what they want in a partner” and suggests self-exploration as a first or early exercise following the event.

Dr. Kederian recommends revisiting what you’re looking for in a relationship. “Be clear about how that person fit and didn’t fit your criteria,” says Dr. Kederian. “Often we overlook certain things that are important to us about a person we are with, but when we are honest, the relationship may not have actually been what we hoped.”

If possible, Dr. Kederian also suggests not waiting too long to continue to date. For some, Dr. Moali notes, “one loss might trigger memories of previous losses and lead to a sense of despair.” A therapist who can help guide them with navigating this mental process.

No matter how quickly or slowly someone accepts the breakup and starts dating again, though, it’s important to be patient as they “feel the emotions associated with the breakup to process them effectively,” says Dr. Moali.

Nevertheless, the seemingly unending grieving process in these relationships can also be compounded by the fact that, because there was no “villain,” the exes may have a higher likelihood of remaining in each other’s orbit—either thanks to commingling social circles and social media, or, in some cases, an attempt to carry on as platonic friends. It can be difficult to know the best path forward—but the following four steps can help.

4 tips for processing and moving on from a no-fault breakup

1. Set boundaries with mutual friends

It’s possible to preserve shared friendships while avoiding potentially uncomfortable situations. “Reach out to mutual friends and let them know that you are still interested in maintaining contact but would prefer one-on-one interactions due to the circumstances,” says Dr. Moali.

She also suggests informing them up-front that you would prefer not to hear updates about your ex: “Sometimes friends may feel obligated to take sides or share information about the other person, which can reopen old wounds for everyone involved. By setting clear boundaries, you give both yourself and your friends the opportunity to respect your healing process.”

2. Unfollow your ex

At least in the short term, Dr. Moali calls it a “form of self-preservation” to make a clean digital break, which means unfriending and unfollowing them online and resisting the urge to call or text. “Staying in communication or checking their social media profiles can create an inaccurate perception of their lives and might lead to illusory closeness,” says Dr. Moali.

3. Be realistic about potential encounters

Dr. Lawless encourages making a conscious effort to “avoid hanging out in the same places or with the same people during the initial stages of a breakup.” In doing so, it can allow you to process emotions without constant reminders of your ex.

However, a chance meeting may happen. “People sometimes fantasize about how things might be different when they run into their ex, but in reality, most of the time, these encounters may serve as reminders of the heartbreak without offering any real benefits,” says Dr. Moali. “Acknowledge this possibility and prepare yourself emotionally for any unplanned meetings with your ex.”

4. Assess the real need to remain friends

“Unless there is a compelling reason to maintain communication, such as shared property or co-parenting, it is generally not advisable for people to remain friends immediately after a breakup,” Dr. Moali says. She suggests creating a pro-con list of the potential benefits and drawbacks of maintaining a friendship, while Dr. Kederian recommends waiting until you’ve fully healed to even begin determining if you’d like to be friends.

“Many individuals would like to maintain a long-term friendship, but it’s best to allow a minimum of six months before resuming the friendship,” says Dr. Kederian. “You need to allow time to heal and for your brain to process the clear difference—much of a relationship is a friendship, after all.”

While both new and long-term relationships can fizzle out, fizzling is more common in the newer ones, according to relationship expert Jess Carbino, PhD, former sociologist at Tinder and Bumble. “In those new relationships, there’s less at stake and fewer obligations and ties to the other individual, which makes fizzling more accessible,” she says. “If, for example, you’ve dated someone for just a couple of months or gone on five or six dates, those ties [aren’t very strong], so you’re able to move back or fizzle the relationship more seamlessly than someone who is more intimately connected to their partner.”

“In new relationships, there’s less at stake and fewer obligations and ties to the other individual, which makes fizzling more accessible.” —Jess Carbino, PhD, relationship expert

In that sense, a casual relationship that’s fizzling out could feel like something on the verge of getting ghosted. Your partner isn’t outright cutting off communication á la ghosting, but they are retreating, perhaps by calling or texting less often or not initiating dates or actively making plans to spend time together. Whereas, in a long-term relationship, fizzling might look more like the creation of distance, says Dr. Carbino, whether physical (perhaps, a live-in partner starts spending more time outside the house) or emotional (for instance, a partner choosing to engage less in conversation).

Why might a relationship start fizzling out in the first place?

Fizzling often happens when one or both people in the relationship don’t fully know what they want—that is, whether to stay in the relationship or go, says dating coach Adelle Kelleher, founder of Coaching Hearts Consulting. So, the unsure person opts for a murky middle ground by halfway checking out of things or choosing to invest only partially, holding onto the chance that someone or something “better” might appear around the corner.

In other cases, a person may be genuinely unhappy in their relationship and yet doesn’t want to have the conversation to actually end it, whether because they feel uncomfortable doing so, struggle with emotional vulnerability, or just think being in any relationship is better than being alone. “They might think, ‘Yes, I’m stuck in this kind of lackluster relationship, but at least when I’m bored, I have someone to do things with,'” says Kelleher. “This is not a healthy approach, but could be a reason someone might just string a relationship along without being fully in it.”

Fizzling can also happen in a long-term relationship when someone in the couple is no longer having their needs met, says psychologist Laura Louis, PhD, founder of Atlanta Couple Therapy. It could be their physical needs or emotional needs that are getting neglected, for example, but in either case, they may choose to just distance themselves from the relationship, rather than bring up the problem outright, says Dr. Louis.

This kind of complacency is almost like quiet quitting the relationship because it typically results in contributing just the bare minimum to keep the relationship going. While quiet quitting can certainly be a strategy for setting boundaries at work, the nature of a romantic relationship is such that it’s only as good as the energy put into it. So, even just one partner pulling back can decrease what both people are getting out of the partnership, eventually leading the other person to distance themselves, too. The end result? No one in the relationship is investing the kind of energy necessary to really keep the fire going.

3 signs your relationship may be fizzling out

1. You feel as if you and a partner are just going through the motions of coexisting

If most of the excitement, energy, or enthusiasm has drained from your relationship, there’s a good chance things are fizzling, according to Kelleher. That might look like either person reducing the amount of effort they’re putting into the relationship or otherwise not really trying to be an active participant in it anymore.

Naturally, this might mean that big, deep conversations are no longer happening; but also, it could just mean that you’ve stopped asking each other about how your days are going—and really listening to the answers, says Kelleher.

While most relationships will transition, at some point, from the honeymoon phase into something a little less lovey-dovey, that’s not the same thing as the kind of disengagement that happens with fizzling. “It might not be hot fire and sparks all the time, but [with a solid relationship], a partner is still showing effort and that they care about you, and that they want to know what’s going on with you,” says Kelleher. Whereas, with fizzling, all of those things start to feel less salient.

2. You and/or your partner are choosing to spend less and less time with each other

Any major changes in behavior that build distance can be a signal that something has changed, says Dr. Louis. Consider, for example, a partner’s decision to spend significantly more time without you, filling their calendar with work events, friend hangouts, or other activities.

To be sure, this isn’t to say your partner shouldn’t have hobbies or close relationships outside of yours (they definitely should), but if it feels like the time their devoting to things outside of your relationship is leaving scarce time for you, that’s a red flag for fizzling.

3. Your level of communication has significantly decreased

If you’re having trouble getting into consistent contact with your partner, or you’re finding that more of your phone calls or text messages are going unanswered, that’s a clear sign that things may be fizzling, says Dr. Louis.

While some communication stumbles are a part of every relationship, the key to deciphering them from the kind of communication gap that could signal fizzling is that a committed partner will want to solve or minimize these lapses, says Kelleher. Whereas, someone who is fizzling things may not seem to notice or care about their reduced communication.

What to do if you suspect your relationship is fizzling out

The first thing to do if you feel your relationship grinding to a slow halt is figure out how you feel about the prospect of it potentially ending.

If your partner is the primary fizzler, you may certainly feel insulted by their disengagement, but that’s not the same thing as wanting to actively continue the relationship. Even if they started the distancing, it’s possible that you’re participating, too, or that you’ve since realized that you’d also rather end the relationship. On the contrary, you might find, upon introspection, that you really want to continue in the partnership—but the fizzling is putting a damper on things.

Once you’re clear on how you feel about the situation and your hopes for the future, all the experts say it’s best to initiate a conversation with your partner, rather than speculating. “You don’t want your mental energy and space to be occupied with wondering if things are fizzling out or why you feel this way,” says Dr. Carbino.

Though it may be tempting to call out a partner for what may seem to be fizzling behaviors, it’s better to approach the conversation by sharing how you feel, instead, using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel uncared for when you don’t respond to my messages for several hours”), and allow them to respond, says Kelleher. Letting the other person to speak to the motivations behind their actions will give you important information on whether your ultimate goals for the relationship are aligned or…not so much.

From there, you can work together to determine an action plan for moving out of the grey area created by fizzling. To do so, Kelleher suggests asking your partner, “Do you see a future for us?” to gauge where they see the relationship headed. Or, if you would like to continue the relationship and see if they feel similarly, Dr. Carbino suggests trying something along the lines of, “I really enjoy spending time with you, but I’ve been sensing some distance between us. How are you feeling?”

Maybe they communicate that they do want to end things, or that there is something else going on in their life, like illness in their family or a busy period at work, that is dominating their attention and focus, but they’d like to continue the relationship. In any case, it’s only with an open conversation where you both share your feelings that you can come to a mutual decision to either break up or forge ahead (in this case, with clear expectations in place to make sure no one feels like things are fizzling).

This way, both people will feel like they have some level of say in and control over what happens. “Even if the outcome is breaking up, you’re still on the same [page] and deciding together,” says Kelleher.

The zodiac signs most compatible with Taurus will also be grounded and practical, or can understand and appreciate the bull’s steadfast, and, at times, slow and steady approach to life and love.

Key Taurus traits

“Venus rules Taurus, and Taurus is an earth sign with a fixed zodiac attribute,” says Emily Newman, psychic reader, spiritual healer, counselor, and astrologer at The Best of Psychic Reader. With romantic Venus as their ruling planet, “they are sensual, tactile, and sensory-oriented beings,” astrologer Courtney O’Reilly of Vibrant Soul told Well+Good, and as one of the earth signs, they particularly crave tangible pleasures.

Whatever earthly pleasures befall a Taurean, it’s likely they’ve earned it. Key among Taurus’ traits is their persevering spirit, a quality that’s common among all of the zodiac’s fixed signs, the bull being one of them. Taurus likes to see things through to completion—and few things, if anything at all, can stand between them and their pursuits. This commendable determination extends to their relationships. They may take a slow and steady approach to love, but once they’ve committed themselves to a partner, Taurus will have their partner’s back through thick and thin.

Their bullheadedness is at once their strength and their weakness. “Taurus is hardworking, reliable, passionate, romantic, and consistent, but Taurus is also blunt, traditional, possessive, assertive, unidirectional, a homebody, and stubborn,” says Newman, and not everyone can take the bull by the horns, so to speak.

Taurus compatibility in relationships

Typically, the zodiac signs that will be most compatible with Taurus are fellow earth signs Virgo and Capricorn, as they are also practical and grounded by nature. Taurus is also compatible with water signs Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces, as water and earth are known to be complementary astrological elements. “The elements [of] earth and water together are fertile—flowers grow,” O’Reilly told Well+Good.

Ahead, learn more about which zodiac signs are the most (and least) compatible with Taurus.

Taurus and Aries compatibility

Aries and Taurus are on the cusp of and next to each other on the zodiac calendar, and the two neighboring signs aren’t usually compatible. Fiery Aries is a thrill-seeker who craves adventure and spontaneity, while, according to Newman, “Taurus values comfort and peace of mind above all else.” The fast-moving Aries might be too much for Taurus, while Taurus may be too predictable for Aries.

For an Aries and Taurus couple to work, they will have to learn how to compromise with one another. Unfortunately, the two can also be stubborn. “Both are stubborn by nature,” says Newman. “Taurus is so uncompromising and rigid,” she says, which could likewise apply to a headstrong Aries who is set in their ways.

Taurus and Taurus compatibility

When two Tauruses come together, they are likely to have a “very cozy and comfortable partnership,” says astrologer and spiritual coach Tenae Stewart, author of The Modern Witch’s Guide to Magickal Self-Care. They will inherently understand each other, and they won’t have much to argue about in terms of what they want in a relationship, including but not limited to, a comfortable sense of security.

However, she mentions that there is potential for a Taurus couple to “get stuck in a rut.” They find comfort in familiarity, which if left unchecked, can quickly turn into monotony. To avoid stagnancy, they will have to make an active effort to practice deliberate spontaneity in their relationship, says Stewart.

Taurus and Gemini compatibility

Taurus and Gemini are on the cusp of and next to each on the zodiac calendar, and the two signs couldn’t be more unalike. Airy Gemini is adaptable, which may come off as fickleness to Taurus, who prioritizes consistency. Plus, Taurus isn’t usually keen to leave their comfort zone, whereas Gemini can thrive—and even enjoy—unpredictability.

Another potential issue for Gemini and Taurus is communication style. Neither will shy away from expressing their emotions, but Taurus isn’t one to take constructive feedback lightly. “Taurus is more stubborn than Gemini, yet Taurus cannot appreciate Gemini’s honesty, which leads to misunderstandings,” Newman told Well+Good.

Taurus and Cancer compatibility

Cancer is a water sign, and much like Taurus, they appreciate a partner who will put as much effort as they will in a relationship. However, this won’t be a problem for either sign. “They both have the same traits, including being loyal, loving, emotional, and homely,” says Newman, all of which are important qualities for a loving and long-lasting partnership.

One potential issue that might arise is Taurus’ controlling tendencies, which can manifest as possessiveness, jealousy, or untoward judgment of their partner. According to Newman, this might be off-putting for Cancer. With this in mind, Taurus will have to learn how to rescind control and trust their partner to make the relationship work.

Taurus and Leo compatibility

According to Stewart in a previous interview with Well+Good, a relationship between Leo and Taurus won’t be without inherent conflict. For one, they form a square angle to each other, she says, which indicates major differences between the two. Elementally speaking, they can also clash—Leo’s fiery temperament may run too hot for earthy Taurus.

Their one major commonality would be that they’re both fixed signs, but even this could give rise to conflict in their relationship. They both have a tendency to be stubborn and set in their ways—and compromise isn’t a strong suit for either sign. “Leo is forward-moving while Taurus won’t move without a lot of provocation, and they can really butt heads in the way,” says Stewart.

Taurus and Virgo compatibility

Virgo and Taurus can make a compatible zodiac match, and it’s not only because they share the same element. “Both Taurus and Virgo are earth signs and both place a value on stability and security,” says Newman. “This makes it easy for them to understand each other.” What’s more, Virgo can appreciate Taurus’ hard-working nature, and vice versa.

Compatible as they are, Virgo and Taurus will have their own challenges they may have to overcome as a couple. They are both stubborn, and Taurus will have trouble persuading Virgo about their opinions—and, should a conflict arises, neither of them will admit their wrongdoings. However, “if both signs prioritize their connection above all else, [they] will last,” says Newman.

Taurus and Libra compatibility

“Both Taurus and Libra are ruled by Venus, planet of love. They both value their relationships and having connections with other people is important to them,” Stewart previously told Well+Good. “However they have nothing else in common,” she says, and since they are more different than they are similar, this might lead to conflict between the two in the long run.

To note, “Libra is a cardinal sign and Taurus is a fixed sign,” says Stewart. While Libra is a cardinal sign with self-starter energy, they have a reputation for being indecisive, which can be frustrating for the bull if taken too far. On the other hand, Taurus has the tendency to be stubborn and immovable, which might cause an imbalance with a Libra partner, who is agreeable to a fault, if only to keep the peace.

Taurus and Scorpio compatibility

If there’s further proof that opposite zodiac signs can attract, look to Scorpio and Taurus—and they work precisely because their differences complement each other well. “Taurus may provide a calming influence, while Scorpio can assist Taurus in spiritual growth,” Newman told Well+Good. “However, they must understand each other.”

Scorpio and Taurus are fixed signs that value loyalty, and while it might take time for them to commit to a relationship, it can last a long time if they learn to trust one another. If anything, they are both stubborn, so it might be hard for them to compromise if they are on opposite sides of an argument. That’s why mutual understanding and respect is key if they want their relationship to thrive.

Taurus and Sagittarius compatibility

Sagittarius is a fire sign, which already connotes major differences from earthy Taurus. Add to the fact that they value different things in a relationship, and it’s easy to see how the two would make an incompatible match. To note, Taurus craves stability in love and Sagittarius prefers to live freely and rebel against norm, according to Newman.

Their differences also extend to lifestyle.“Sagittarius enjoys adventure and discovering new things, whereas Taurus prefers to stay at home and enjoy the comforts of life,” says Newman. Sagittarius’ need to live wild and free may trigger a Taurus’ controlling tendencies, which will only push the archer further away—and if they can’t meet in the middle, they won’t last.

Taurus and Capricorn compatibility

As earth signs, Capricorn and Taurus will have a natural affinity for one another—so much so, they could be the other’s soulmate, Newman told Well+Good. “Taurus is continuously looking for a trustworthy mate,” she says, and Capricorn can fulfill Taurus’ needs as the sea-goat also values security and stability in a relationship.

However, Capricorn and Taurus can butt heads because they both want to take charge. If an issue arises, this may make arguments cumbersome as neither is likely to concede. With this in mind, they will have to practice more patience with one another and learn how to compromise. If they learn how to work together, they can go the distance.

Taurus and Aquarius compatibility

An Aquarius and Taurus relationship will usually take a lot of work as they are considered incompatible zodiac signs. For one, air and earth sign pairings won’t always make an ideal match. They may also struggle to find common ground when it comes to their different lifestyles, according to Newman.

“Taurus prefers to stay at home, and in addition, Taurus is possessive, inflexible, and introverted, whereas Aquarius is intellectual, gregarious, and values freedom,” she says. Plus, both are fixed signs that can be emotionally stubborn, which can lead to power struggles. “To make this relationship work, both parties must be willing to change,” says Newman.

Taurus and Pisces compatibility

Pisces and Taurus can balance each other out in a relationship. “Pisces is a water sign and Taurus is a sensible and down-to-earth person,” says Newman. What’s more, “they will get along well due to their similar interests,” she told Well+Good, adding that as a couple, they will “prioritize their love over anything else.”

One issue that might occur is Pisces’ emotional extremity, which can cause conflict if they express their hurt to Taurus, who, at their most stubborn, won’t listen or take their Piscean partner’s point of view into consideration. Although Taurus may be off put by Pisces’ sensitivity, the fish can offer the passion, loyalty, and love that they need, says Newman.

Frequently asked questions

What is Taurus attracted to in a partner?

Taurus will typically appreciate a partner who is also practical, reliable, and grounded. As an earth sign, they also value straightforward communication and, since they often take a slow and steady approach to love, assurance that a relationship is worth their while.

What is the worst match for Taurus?

Taurus are typically incompatible with fire signs Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius, as well as air signs Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius. Fire signs might be too fast-paced for the slow and steady bull, while air signs may not provide Taurus with the sense of consistency and security they long for in a partner.

Because many people say they want their partner to be their BFF, the idea of losing a friend (not just a S.O.) can make the transition from lovers to strangers even tougher. As a result, the idea of staying friends with your ex may come up as you uncouple, or even later on. But relationship experts say pursuing—and maintaining—a healthy friendship with your ex is challenging under the best of circumstances. So before you slap a new label on your relationship, it’s worth taking some time to determine whether or not it’s in your best interest.

What to consider when it comes to being friends with your ex

Numerous factors go into whether a friendship with an ex is possible, such as: who dumped who, the reasons for the breakup, how each partner took the breakup, and how long the couple was together, according to Jess Carbino, PhD, former sociologist for dating apps Tinder and Bumble.

Dr. Carbino says whether it’s possible to be friends with an ex has a lot to do with how serious the relationship was to begin with and how much “connective tissue” remains. For example, it’ll be a lot easier to establish and maintain a friendship with someone you casually dated briefly because there isn’t as much history, responsibility, and potentially pain there, compared to someone you dated for years or lived with.

“As people age and relationships become more serious, particularly with relationships involving cohabitation, that type of friendship becomes very much an impossibility in my mind,” says Dr. Carbino, though she does add that it’s potentially easier to be friends with someone you’ve had a lot of time away from, like a high school sweetheart.

There’s also a difference between being friends and being friendly. Dr. Carbino points out that couples who have deep ties to one another, for example through sharing kids, have more reason to remain friendly with each other than others.

Regardless of whether they are parents as well as partners, “a couple takes on a shared identity while they’re together, with shared friends and activities, and breaking up severs that identity,” Dr. Carbino says. In the aftermath of a relationship running its course, you may find yourself splitting friends and activities—a normal part of the process—but trying to stay friends to keep these bonds intact can get messy fast, so be mindful about your intentions. Seeing friendship as a softer landing pad after partnership may inadvertently lead to harder feelings down the line.

“The process by which people uncouple is a social process and involves creating separate identities from that other person, which would involve the cessation of contact.”—sociologist Jess Carbino, PhD

Plus, truly healing and moving on after a breakup requires introspection and time to yourself—a process that may be impeded if your ex is still in the picture. “The process by which people uncouple is a social process and involves creating separate identities from that other person, which would involve the cessation of contact,” says Dr. Carbino.

What to consider before deciding to stay friends with your ex

According to Kara Kays, LMFT, regional clinic director with the mental-health platform Thriveworks, a healthy relationship that adds to your life is one built on trust, honesty, and respect. If it’s not possible to have that with your ex, don’t pursue friendship, so advises. She also recommends really considering what you’re asking for when extending or accepting an offer of friendship with an ex. Are you trying to keep the bond intact because you’re not ready to let go? Or maybe you’re the one breaking up with your partner and you want to soften the blow to be polite? Ask these questions to decide what you want out of the relationship, and use the answers to evaluate whether it makes sense or not.

The most important thing, she says is to not offer to be friends if you don’t mean it. Breaking up is a painful, tough process, and extending an offer of friendship may seem like a kindness—but it isn’t if it’s not genuine. Dr. Carbino recommends not offering to remain friends if you don’t really mean it because an inauthentic offer of friendship can be hurtful, confusing, and disingenuous—not the goal if you’re trying to break up with someone respectfully and effectively.

If you’ve decided you’d like to pursue a friendship with your ex, see below for the do’s and don’ts of this new type of connection.

The do’s and don’ts of staying friends with an ex

Do: Decide what kind of relationship you want to share

There are different types of friends, as well as different levels of friendship. Determine what type of relationship you’d like to pursue with you ex and then clearly communicate the nature of the new dynamic you’re looking for to ensure that you’re both on the same page upfront. Figuring out what role you want this person to play in your life will be helpful to set boundaries and dictate the grounds of the friendship, Kays says.

Do: Give yourself time

Time may not heal all wounds, but it can certainly soften them. Kays says you don’t have to make a decision immediately after the breakup about whether you want to attempt a friendship with your ex. The passage of time will make it easier to gain perspective and make a decision that feels best to you. “Give yourself as much time as necessary to redefine what this new relationship is going to look like with this old person,” she advises.

And on the flip-side, if you’ve tried being friends with an ex and it’s not working, you’re not obligated to continue. Just like any other platonic relationship, a friendship with an ex can run its course, too.

Do: Understand that they have a say, too

Even if you’ve decided you’d like to stay friends with your ex, remember that they also have a say in whether there’s a relationship moving forward. Even if you want to maintain a friendship, your ex has every right to reject that offer. “At the end of the day, you can ask for what your need is, but somebody else doesn’t have to oblige and they don’t need to step into that role,” Kays says.

Do: Set (and respect) boundaries

Take some time to set boundaries to guide how you’ll engage with your ex as a friend. Is this person going to be someone you go to coffee with alone, or someone you see only on outings with your wider friend group like a trivia night or house party? Kays recommends deciding this ahead of time.

Part of setting healthy boundaries is redefining this person’s role in a platonic context. It’s not fair to expect the same things from your ex in friendship as you did when they were your partner. And remember that this goes both ways.

Two boundaries Dr. Carbino recommends setting are agreements to only meet in public places and to not drink together to eliminate any chances of hooking up or being physical, which would move the relationship back into the romantic arena and muddy the waters.

Don’t: Do all the activities you did as a couple together

You know what they say about returning to the scene of the crime—don’t do it. Don’t slot your former partner, now friend, into their previous role just without the romance. For example, if you had a standing farmer’s market date, returning there together may be confusing and weird; calling your ex when you’re sad because you relied on them to cheer you up when you were a couple probably won’t work, either. Instead, interact in a way that won’t bring up old and potentially painful memories or resurface old habits.

Don’t: Let them hold you back from exploring new romances

One important consideration to make when deciding whether your ex belongs in your life as a friend is whether their presence will discourage you from pursuing new romantic relationships. Dr. Carbino recommends really thinking about whether seeing your ex as a friend is influencing you to avoid or slow walk coupling up with someone else. “If [the friendship] is diminishing [your] likelihood of getting together with someone else, I think that that would be an issue,” she says.

Because, as a 2021 study published in the Journal of Counseling Sexology & Sexual Wellness points out, the idea of friends with benefits (FWB) simply involves having a consistent sexual partner without the commitment of a romantic relationship. And according to many experts, it can be a perfectly healthy partnership—despite what movies may have you believe.

“For most people, friends with benefits allows friends to enjoy sex while agreeing to avoid developing deeper feelings for one another,” says Lisa Lawless, PhD, a psychotherapist specializing in clinical psychology, relationships, and sexual health. “Some may choose to focus more on the sexual benefits, while others may focus more on the friendship aspect. And the dynamic can also allow people to explore sexual preferences and identities without the pressure of a committed relationship.”

Nazanin Moali, PhD, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist, notes that FWBs often stem from pre-existing friendships that evolve to include sexual activities, but for others, “it could involve previous partners or exes with whom they maintain a friendship and continue to engage in sexual encounters.”

Unlike “situationships”—as Dr. Lawless calls casual sexual encounters with few, if any, rules or agreements—a successful FWB setup requires greater care. Dr. Maoli adds that, “as with any relationship, communication and mutual understanding of well-defined boundaries are essential for maintaining a healthy and satisfying arrangement.”

4 rules for being friends with benefits in a healthy way

1. Establish your own intentions up front

Before embarking on a FWB relationship, Dr. Moali says, reflect on “why you are choosing this type of relationship with this person instead of pursuing a committed partnership.” Dr. Lawless, who is also the CEO of the sexual product line Holistic Wisdom, concurs: “It is essential to make sure to explore psychological factors that may drive a desire for this type of relationship, such as a fear of commitment from past traumas or negative relationship experiences. There’s nothing wrong with exploring a FWB relationship, but it’s critical to be honest with yourself about whether or not this is what you really want.”

2. Select your FWB partner carefully.

“Not everyone is cut out for a FWB relationship,” says Dr. Lawless. “If you suspect this person is in love with you and sees this as an opportunity to start a relationship, or vice versa, it is best not to start down this path.”

3. Communicate boundaries clearly and honestly

Casually entering into FWB territory won’t serve either of you—and neither will speaking in generalities. “Clear communication with your partner is crucial,” says Dr. Moali. “Share your intentions, preferred modes of communication, and any specific preferences you have for interactions before, during, and after engaging in sexual activities.”

If you want to cuddle or expect to spend the night and share a morning coffee the next day, make that known up front. Dr. Lawless also recommends deciding jointly if you will discuss the nature of your relationship with others, if you will spend time with one another’s friends or family, and if you will post about each other on social media.

It’s also vital to come to an agreement on additional sexual partners. “If you plan on being exclusive sexually until one of you finds a relationship, you need to express that,” Lawless says. “If not, neither of you should expect exclusivity.” No matter what, practice safe sex. Discuss STD testing and, if necessary, birth control.

4. Have periodic check-ins

Like a job with performance reviews, there are no drawbacks to touching base every so often with your FWB partner. “Keep checking in with each other to see how you’re managing participating in the relationship and if you would like to change anything,” says Dr. Lawless.

She also warns that participants should be prepared for these relationships, however healthy, to eventually end. “These types of relationships have a low long-term success rate—the bonds in FWBs are often temporary and conditional,” says Dr. Lawless. “It’s best to accept that as a possibility up front.”

3 common friends with benefits complications—and solutions

Even the most carefully orchestrated friends with benefits setups are not without risk. Like all relationships, they evolve in ways the participants might not expect—or want.

1. When jealousy strikes

It’s normal for people in FWBs to experience a range of emotions, but one that often comes as a surprise is jealousy, especially as it appears in the context of a non-exclusive arrangement. “Understanding the stories behind each emotion can help manage the situation more effectively,” says Dr. Moali. “For example, two people may see their ‘friend with benefits’ with another partner and both feel uncomfortable. One may feel disrespected while the other feels hurt.”

Understanding the underlying reason for the jealousy will also help inform how you reset boundaries within your FWB relationship. “Having those crystal-clear boundaries is one of the most important things you can do to prevent either of you from hurting one another,” says Dr. Lawless.

2. When you want to explore a new relationship

Having a FWB relationship can make dating other people challenging. “It may keep you from exploring a relationship that may be ideal for you, or it may be a turn-off to a potential romantic partner,” says Dr. Lawless. “If you want to explore a romantic relationship in the future, outside of your FWB, understand that it’s not without complications.” Again here, communication is key. The more open and honest you can be upfront with your FWB, the better the odds are that you can remain friends when your sexual relationship ends.

3. When romantic feelings develop

Even the most well-intentioned FWB partnerships can find themselves dealing with this scenario. “Despite the intention to remain just friends, it is possible, even common, for people to develop affection when they have regular sexual encounters,” says Dr. Moali. Although she cautions ever trying to change a partner’s mind or persuading them to commit, these emotions shouldn’t be swept under the rug. “If this happens, acknowledge the neurochemical changes in the brain that can lead to these feelings and approach them with self-compassion and curiosity,” she says. “Ask yourself what it is about the arrangement that is intriguing—are you interested in this particular person, or do you find the idea of being in this context attractive?”

Lawless adds that if one partner develops feelings that another can’t reciprocate, the lack of mutual feelings can be too painful to process.

“Sex with a friend will change your relationship and in some cases ruin it,” she says. “Understand the risks you are taking, and do some of that work up front. Consider ahead of time how you would like to manage such emotions if they arise. Determine whether you would feel comfortable sharing your feelings with your partner or prefer to process them independently. Open and honest communication with your FWB partner, and yourself, is the key to making it work.”

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, the bristle reaction is an involuntary response. It’s subtle, but it can be very confusing and even upsetting to both partners. “It’s someone you presumably love and trust, yet you’re having this very intense reaction to this very simple touch,” she says. But bristling doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, and it’s a reaction that can be rewired with time.

Why someone may develop a bristle reaction

Compared to the early days of courting, the amount of physical touch tends to lessen the longer a couple is together. A bristle reaction may develop if the only time partners initiate this type of affection is as a form of foreplay, which can make simple gestures feel loaded and like a means to an end—hence why someone may bristle at such advances if they’re caught off guard or not in the mood. “We start to make this association that when my partner touches me or tries to kiss me, it’s supposed to lead to sex, so it can lead us to develop this hyper-vigilance to our partner’s touch,” Marin explains.

“We start to make this association that when my partner touches me or tries to kiss me it’s supposed to lead to sex, so it can lead us to develop this hyper-vigilance to our partner’s touch.”—Vanessa Marin, LMFT

Coupled with this, many people in longer-term relationships may stop initiating sex clearly with their words, which means the hints that someone desires sex are mostly physical. They may know each other so well that they can read each other’s non-verbal cues, but relying only on this is imprecise and can even be jarring and confusing, especially when you’re not in the headspace for sex. “If you’re not in the mood at that moment and you feel your partner coming in for some contact, your walls are going to go up as a protective mechanism,” Marin says. In these moment’s it’s important to remember that the bristle reaction is an involuntary response, and may not reflect how you genuinely feel about bids for affection from your S.O.

What the bristle reaction means

While it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re no longer attracted to your partner, a bristle reaction is a good indication that there’s something worth examining. Marin says it could mean there’s some communication missing, it could indicate you feel disconnected, or that there is unresolved tension at play. And it’s not an inherently negative reaction, but more of a surprised one.

No matter the reason, Kiana Reeves, somatic sex educator and chief content officer of sexual wellness company Foria, recommends not pushing through the bristle reaction in the moment because involuntary bodily responses are chances to go deeper and examine what’s happening underneath that hasn’t been expressed. It could mean that you’re not in the mood for sex, or you don’t feel comfortable being touched in that specific way at that moment.

To figure out why you are bristling, Reeves recommends following this protocol in the moment: pause, notice the emotion, communicate the emotion, and identify the need. “Usually when you start to pay attention to the sensation, an emotion rises with it,” she says. For example, maybe you notice that you feel lonely, and you in turn communicate to your partner that rather than have sex, you’d like to be held or kissed instead.

This initial conversation can be with yourself, but it could eventually be an avenue for a longer, honest dialogue with your partner, which she says could increase intimacy. “It actually could be a beautiful opening in a relationship to say ‘I love when you touch me and kiss me, but you only do that when you want sex and it makes me feel objectified, or ‘I love when you kiss me, but when you come at me with your tongue it’s too intense,’” Reeves says.

3 ways to get over the bristle reaction

1. Ask your partner to use their words to initiate sex

A key cause of the bristle reaction is the element of surprise. Marin recommends couples initiate sex with their words, rather than by touching so the request is clear. “If we’re not clear with our communication there are so many opportunities to miss each other and miscommunicate,” she says. Direct verbal initiation takes any guesswork out of the equation. When you’re in the mood to have sex, tell your partner clearly.

2. Incorporate more touch in your daily life that isn’t tied to sex

Another key underlying factor of the bristle reaction is the association with physical touch leading to sex. Touching each other more often without sex involved helps disentangle this connection. “You want to break the connection that touch is supposed to lead to sex,” Marin says. Couples should try incorporating more kisses, hugs, back rubs, and massages into their day-to-day routine just because.

3. Tell your partner your favorite ways to be touched

Marin says that another cause of the bristle reaction is being touched in an unwelcome way or in a place you don’t like. For example, not everyone will appreciate being smacked on the butt or having their arm or leg grazed. But rather than listing all the things they’re doing wrong, she recommends letting your partner know exactly how you’d like to be touched; she says many couples don’t share this information with each other, and that this is a great opportunity to do so. “It’s easier and more fun to share your favorite ways you’d like to be touched,” she says. “Pick your top three and say, ‘I love it when you touch me in this place, in this way.’”

So to recap

If you find yourself involuntarily bristling at your partner’s touch, know that this doesn’t automatically mean you no longer love them or are attracted to them. Quite often, it’s an indicator that there is some underlying, unexpressed emotions at play—not totally atypical in long-term relationships. So before you go any further, the first thing you want to do is see if you can identify what feelings the physical touch is bringing up for you or what need is going unmet, then share that info with your partner. Chances are there is a breakdown in communication somewhere that needs to be sorted out. And remember that the most effective way to clear the air is through honest, clear, direct talking. It’s the fastest way to turn bristling back into butterflies.

To put it simply, mirroring means matching an individual’s verbal and non-verbal cues during an interaction, says licensed psychologist Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, PhD, a mental health provider with the Hope for Depression Research Foundation. Typically, it involves reflecting someone’s words, tone of voice, body language, or positions, he explains. “If you’ve ever seen two people in conversation sitting in the same position, crossing or uncrossing their arms or legs at the same time, leaning in toward each other, or even speaking in the same tone of voice, you’ve witnessed mirroring,” says Dr. de la Rosa.

Far more than a game of copycat, however, mirroring is a powerful communication technique that can make people feel really connected to one another. “It can create a sense of immediate intimacy,” says Dr. de la Rosa. But because of this, it can also create a false sense of security if you’re not careful.

Exactly how mirroring can fast-track closeness

It’s basic human nature to be drawn to that which is similar, and mirroring communicates similarity. When someone uses the same turns of phrases, accent, or gestures as you, it signals to your brain that you are alike, explains Dr. de la Rosa. In one study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that how similar the two people are, plays a significant role in the future of that relationship.

Despite the popular adage that opposites attract, researchers found that the desire to find like-minded folks is hardwired into us. “From the very first moments of awkward banter, how similar the two people are is immediately and powerfully playing a role in future interactions. Will they connect? Or walk away? Those early recognitions of similarity are really consequential in that decision,” said Angela Bahns, assistant professor of psychology at Wellesley College and a lead author on the study, in a press release.

Further, mirroring can be used to show that someone is listening to you, rather than just hearing you—and vice versa—says psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist Lee Phillips, PhD. During disagreements, this can be especially useful. When you re-use the words your partner just used to share their point of view, you can reveal that you really understand what they are saying “rather than just thinking about your next point in your argument” he says. In practice, this can decrease both people’s reactivity and replace it with a sense of a common goal: To get to the other side of the argument as a team.

These are all good things for fostering healthy relationships and forms of communication with someone you care about. But mirroring, like any powerful tool, can be used for good or evil, depending on how you deploy it, so it’s important to understand the downsides of mirroring to avoid being taken advantage of by the technique.

When the mirroring communication technique can backfire

Indeed, mirroring can create closeness—but it can also create the illusion of closeness. “Mirroring is a surface behavior,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist Heidi McBain, LMFT, LPC, PMH-C. So while it can reveal someone’s empathetic and compassionate intentions, “it can also be used to cloak more sinister intentions,” she says.

Psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths often actively mirror their victims’ communication style in order to manipulate them, according to Phillips. When they are mirroring you, they are doing so to gain your trust, and learn more about your identity and vulnerabilities, so they can use it against you for their own gain down the line,” he says.

Identifying well- vs. mal-intentioned mirroring

It can be challenging to determine when someone is using mirroring to manipulate us versus when they want to deepen our connection with it, according Dr. de la Rosa. “People who use mirroring in this malicious way are often good at it and may trick others into believing that they genuinely care,” he says.

That said it’s not impossible to spot the different—it just requires a strong gut instinct, as well as both self and relational awareness. Taking the below into account can help you decipher the underlying intentions of the action.

1. Well-intentioned mirroring can look someone providing you a service speaking your language (verbal or non)

If you have hired someone for a job (in exchange for money), there is a good chance that they are intentionally mirroring you. “Therapists, for example, often use mirroring with their clients in psychotherapy to build rapport and maintain a connection throughout therapy,” says Dr. de la Rosa. Here, he says, they are intentionally mirroring you to help you feel comfortable enough to share what you need to share in order to give you an effective therapeutic experience.

Waitstaff and sales folks will often also copycat your gestures and intonations in order to build rapport. Here, the goal is to create a relationship with you that is mutually beneficial. After all, you’ll leave the interaction feeling warm and fuzzy and they’ll leave with a hearty tip.

Generally speaking, this type of mirroring is well intentioned and not something to worry about, according to Dr. de la Rosa. Of course, there are times when sales people use mirroring in a way that feels, on a gut level, disingenuous — but more on that below.

2. Mal-intentioned mirroring will set off your spidey senses

Typically, when mirroring is coming from a pure place, you feel that you are in-sync with the other person, McBain says. However, when it’s coming from a less well-meaning source, you’ll often feel like there is a disconnect.

“If something is feeling ‘off’ to you, you may be reading the other person’s non-verbal cues and picking up on feelings, emotions, or intentions that are not heart-centered, caring, compassionate, or empathetic,” she says. If that’s the case, it could be a sign that their intent could be malicious or self-serving.

For example, say an interaction you have with an acquaintance at a cocktail party felt phony despite how closely you were talking, chances are it was phony! Similarly, if you feel like a pushy car salesman is trying too hard to connect with you, it could be because they are using mirroring tactics to make you want to buy something from them.

Your move: Ask yourself if—in the deepest part of your body— he interactions feel aligned, natural, and genuine. If not, listen to that inner-knowing and respond accordingly.

3. Things feeling too similar is typically a sign of suspect mirroring

Ask yourself: On a scale of one to 10 how much mirroring is happening here, exactly? “A sign that someone is using mirroring for evil is that they over-do it,” says Phillips. Like, wayyy over do it.

“When a narcissist is mirroring you, they go over the top with it,” he adds. For instance, they will mimic your body language and expressions and gestures, he says. According to him, someone who is not narcissistic, conversely, usually will only mirror one or two of these aspects. In other words, people who are mirroring out of a genuine place are more subtle.

If you feel like the person is literally your image’s mirror and mouth’s parrot, this person could be trying to intentionally manipulate you.

4. If it feels too good to be true, it probably is

Don’t hate the messenger, but beware of any situation that feels like you’ve met a carbon copy of yourself. Take pause if you find yourself, or the other person, saying things like:

• I’ve never met anyone who XYZ like me before…
• Oh my gosh are you my soulmate (or soul-sister)?
• Wow, we are so similar!
• I feel like I’ve known you in my whole life.

In particular, if you (or they) are saying them early on into your relationship. It is common for psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists to use phrases like this soon after you just met to hook you as a form of love bombing, says Phillips. “These phrases may suggest that they are similar to you and care about you, but they aren’t and they don’t.”

No doubt, it’s possible that you have met your soulmate! But if you can, try to slow down, learn more, and find out the truth about the person by meeting and talking to their friends and loved ones, asking them questions, and observing how they are when nobody’s watching. After all, your true soulmate won’t be put off by you asking to dial the intensity back a notch…or three.

Just to be clear, mirroring is a powerful communication practice that can help you show someone you’re listening and care, but because of it’s ability to make us feel connected to another person, it’s important to be aware that some people will use this technique for ulterior motives. Imitation, after all, is the most sincere form of flattery—and flattery is a subtle form of emotional manipulation.

Not to be confused with being funny, necessarily (though the two can go hand-in-hand), being goofy is more like being silly or, as Merriam-Webster would have it, being mildly ludicrous. But however you define it, exactly, goofiness is now becoming the attractive quality du jour.

This goofiness revolution first registered on my radar when I began to hear contestants proudly declare themselves as goofy or proclaim that they were looking for someone goofy or with whom they can “goof around” on recent episodes of The Bachelor, Love Island, and Perfect Match. But beyond this decidedly un-scientific research, relationship experts also confirm it’s a thing.

“Goofiness is really sexy these days,” says Michael Kaye, global director of brand marketing and communications at dating platform OkCupid. “People want to have fun with a partner, they want to let loose, and our data proves it: Ninety-two percent of the 95,000 people on OkCupid say they enjoy doing silly things, and those who do receive 34 percent more likes and have 16 percent more conversations than those who don’t.”

“Daters are looking for someone who isn’t afraid to show their goofy side and make them laugh.” —Logan Ury, director of relationship science at Hinge

Over on the dating app Hinge, daters demonstrate a similar proclivity for goofiness. “Daters are looking for someone who isn’t afraid to show their goofy side and make them laugh,” says Hinge’s director of relationship science Logan Ury. According to science, laughter can be as supportive of a relationship as it can be for individual well-being: “Laughter releases a happy cocktail of hormones, including the bonding hormone oxytocin, which can increase our trust in the other person,” says Ury.

But the reasons why being goofy is attractive go beyond the laughter that can often come as a result of it. Below, relationship experts break down why goofiness can be so alluring (including the deeper relationship needs that goofiness might satisfy) and why it may be increasingly common, among today’s daters, to go for the goof.

Why is being goofy attractive in a dating and relationships context?

A goofy person isn’t necessarily a fun person or someone whose comedic interjections leave you cracking up; what they are is someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously and isn’t too worried about portraying a perfectly buttoned-up image. “I think goofiness is synonymous with an ability to be self-deprecating or self-effacing, to be aware of and comfortable with your own quirks or idiosyncrasies,” says Jess Carbino, PhD, former sociologist for dating apps Tinder and Bumble.

“When someone says they want someone who is goofy…I think they’re saying they just want to be able to feel safe to be their true self.” —Erica Turner, LPC, therapist and dating coach

Dating someone with these kinds of qualities can lessen the pressure you might otherwise feel to maintain your own image. “When someone says they want someone who is goofy or someone that they can be goofy with, I think they’re really saying they just want to be able to feel comfortable and safe to be their true self and not have to put on any sort of façade,” says relationship therapist and dating coach Erica Turner, LPC.

In that way, goofiness can be a signal that someone is willing to let their guard down (at least a little bit), says Dr. Carbino. And that can feel particularly refreshing in the age of social media, where so much of our typical presentation to others is so carefully crafted and curated. “This kind of highlight reel sets the bar so high and can make people feel like who they truly are, isn’t enough,” says Turner. “The desire for goofiness can be a desire to get back to what’s real.”

Forgoing certain formal niceties in the dating process for something a little more goofy and natural can also grease the wheels of a relationship, speeding things along toward bonding, closeness, and mutual vulnerability. “Once you feel like you can be goofy or silly with someone, you also likely feel like you can be seen, known, and appreciated for your authentic self—your quirks, your uniqueness, your feelings, your ‘weird habits,’ or ‘out there’ interests,” says Turner. And feeling that way with someone can certainly increase your attraction to them.

The same goofy silliness can also be appealing once you’re in a relationship with someone. After all, a little joking around here and there can inject some much-needed levity into everyday life, especially in the troubling times we’re living through, says Dr. Carbino. Indeed, embracing playfulness in a relationship has been correlated with experiencing more positive emotions and less conflict and monotony. And other studies on playfulness in relationships (which isn’t far off from goofiness) have found it to be associated with stronger feelings of relationship closeness and satisfaction.

“Being goofy together means you’re sharing a dialogue, you’re sharing language, and you’re sharing activities.” —Jess Carbino, PhD, sociologist

Part of that relational benefit may spring from the intimacy of being goofy together with a partner, says Dr. Carbino. “That means you’re sharing a dialogue, you’re sharing language, and you’re sharing activities.” The resulting back-and-forth is the stuff of inside jokes and other silly little things that feel personal and private between the two of you—and therefore, special and intimacy-building.

Certainly, a whole host of other qualities beyond goofiness can affect your ability to bond with a prospective or current partner over time and to build upon your intimacy, caveats Dr. Carbino. On that list? Shared values, kindness, intelligence, and good communication and listening skills, to name a few. “In theory, having these foundational items in place will allow you to build that goofiness with each other over time,” says Dr. Carbino. “As you grow a relationship, you’ll have your moments, create your inside jokes, and get to know each other’s idiosyncrasies.”

But, it still stands that someone being naturally goofy from the jump may help shuttle that process along, allowing you to feel more comfortable being yourself in the dating stage. “You know that with that person, you won’t have to worry about being judged or shamed for showing the goofy side of yourself,” says Turner. And that’s a definite turn-on.

Knowing the right and wrong questions to ask is one part of it. You want to give a good impression, but also to evaluate the person to see if you’d like to get to know them better. So how do you do this? A matchmaker has tips for first date mistakes to avoid.

Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, has coached numerous clients through first dates, and has listened to their tales of woe and triumph. She says a first date, whether you’re dating to find a long term relationship or shorter term fun, is all about giving off the best first impression possible. “Your first date is for getting to a second date and being a good flirter,” she says.

“Your first date is for getting to a second date and being a good flirter.”—Susan Trombetti, matchmaker

Trombetti has seen it all, and has some advice for what not to do on a first date if you’d like to be invited on a second one. Read on for the first date mistakes this matchmaker advises you not to make if you want a successful first date.

The 4 mistakes this matchmaker advises not to make on a first date

1. Getting drunk

A boost of liquid courage may be a good idea, but drinking too much can quickly tip the date from fun and flirty into sloppy and messy.

While everyone is affected by alcohol differently, Trombetti recommends her clients stick to a two-drink maximum to keep it “classy and sassy.” She advises this because too many drinks can cause someone to be too uninhibited and overshare or start arguing. Also, keep your safety in mind—don’t drink so much that your awareness of your surroundings is impaired.

2. Talking about an ex

According to Trombetti, speaking at length about an ex partner, whether in complimentary or derogatory terms, is a major turnoff. “I could talk for two hours about this, but there should be no talk about an ex or someone that you find attractive,” she says. Trombetti says it’s better to avoid talking about others in general to make the person you’re on a date with feel like you’re focused and excited to get to know them. It can also come off as bragging.

Additionally, don’t take this time to brag about all the other attractive people you’re currently dating, or if there are others you find good looking where you are (for example, a waiter or waitress if you’re at a restaurant).

And don’t dump all your drama and baggage with your ex on the first date, because it can be overwhelming and scare someone off.

3. Using your phone

Another cardinal mistake Trombetti advises daters not to make is being fixated by your phone. If you have an emergency that’s one thing, but you shouldn’t be incessantly scrolling, texting, or talking on your phone during a first date because it’s rude and distracting.

Center your attention on your date so you can make a judgment about how you feel about them. You don’t have to turn your phone off entirely, but be mindful of how often you’re looking at it and using it. “Usually my clients have enough sense not to do this,” Trombetti says.

4. Grilling your date

Remember that you’re on a date, not a job interview. It’s great to share your interests and passions, but hounding a date about the news, politics, their beliefs, or anything else can make you look inconsiderate and controlling, Trombetti says.

Questioning your date so intensely can come across as annoying, harassing, or even creepy and those are vibes you don’t want to put out on a first date. It can come across as testing your date’s intelligence and patience, which is not a good feeling. Your goal is for your date to remember you as someone they’d like to get to know better. “If you miss that flirtatious fun at the beginning of a relationship, you’re going nowhere fast,” Trombetti says.

There are ways to find out if you’re compatible. Ask questions and be interesting without hounding your date, Trombetti advises. Make sure they’re allowed to get a word in edgewise, and be sure to ask them questions in turn.

Keeping the vibe light and fun doesn’t mean you have to avoid all depth and stick to surface-level topics. Act authentically and be yourself.

“Most of us don’t receive sex-positive, explicit sex education,” sex and relationships expert Megan Fleming, PhD, previously told Well+Good. “Too often, couples get caught up in scripted sex or sex that doesn’t feel worth having. Sex therapy gets back to the basics of giving and receiving pleasure.”

A sex therapist can also provide guidance and education on intimacy, as well as provide strategies for increasing desire and pleasure. Plus, they can help to identify any underlying issues that may be contributing to sexual dissatisfaction or lack of sexual fulfillment for both partners.

Joy Berkheimer, LMFT is used to fielding all sorts of questions from the couples who come to her, and she’s sharing the top queries she receives below.

The top 3 questions couples ask this sex therapist

1. How often are people really having sex?

A major topic of curiosity among Berkheimer’s coupled clients is how much sex other people have in comparison to them. She says this usually comes from one person having an opinion about how much sex they’re having and that sometimes they look for her to agree with or validate them; she suspects that that this topic gets discussed before their visit. “They really want [that question] answered in front of the other partner,” she says.

When this question comes up, Berkheimer says she shifts the focus back to the couple and away from others to avoid comparisons, which she calls “literally the thief of all joy,” and which can decrease self-esteem and confidence. “I bring it back to them and say, ‘I would prefer to compare your sex life [now] to your sex life before and not to others peoples’ sex lives because that’s healthier,” she says.

And while she has statistics she can share about how much and how often others report having sex, she emphasizes that those numbers depend on a variety of unique reasons that are different from what others have going on.

2. If don’t desire my partner sexually, does it mean I don’t love them?

Berkheimer says that love and sexual desire aren’t always in lockstep and that “one really may have nothing to do with the other.” This sentiment doesn’t necessarily mean you should break up with your partner—and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner—but it’s worth digging into because it means “something has shifted,” she says.

“It may mean that something has changed in terms of your needs or that your partner has changed, and so, therefore, the person that you were attracted to is not present.”—Joy Berkheimer, sex therapist

There are all sorts of reasons for these shifts. “It may mean that something has changed in terms of your needs or that your partner has changed, and so, therefore, the person that you were attracted to is not present,” she says. Changes in life circumstances and stressors, appearance, demeanor, personality can all play a role in this. Adjustments may need to be made.

3. How do I build intimacy in my relationship?

True intimacy, which Berkheimer defines as “trusting someone with your vulnerability and letting them see you,” is paramount to healthy and fulfilling partnerships. And physical intimacy, which includes sex, is one of the five types of intimacy that can strengthen a relationship, and Berkheimer says her couples are curious about how to build and maintain intimacy in their relationships.

When question about intimacy arise, Berkheimer homes in on two key points and, in turn, asks the couple these questions: First, if they spend time intentionally building intimacy with one another, and second whether something has happened in the relationship that makes it tough for one partner to be vulnerable and trusting of the other.

For couples who haven’t dedicated time to intimacy, Berkheimer typically recommends tantric practices to her clients to get things going. Tantra is an ancient spiritual practice that seeks to combine the energies of the physical and spiritual realms for personal growth and transformation, and the point of these exercises is to create a space for the couple to explore and their desires and to remove the goal of sex to focus on the journey, not the destination.

“The outcome is not ‘I have to have sex,’ it’s ‘I want to be closer to my partner,'” Berkheimer explains. However, she says what’s gained from creating the safe, welcoming space and experimentation will eventually lead to sex.

To address the latter question, Berkheimer asks the couple how the trust and vulnerability can be rebuilt, and helps them do so.

Friendly reminder that these answers from Berkheimer are general jumping off points, and seeing a sex therapist can provide couples with a safe and non–judgmental space to talk openly and honestly about any issues related to sex and intimacy on a deeper level.

She suggests approaching dating with a simple analogy: Look for a partner like you’d look for a sofa. When she was developing her theory, Dr. Greenberg found that many of the women and women-identifying patients in her therapy practice in New York City, who would appear to have an easy time dating and finding a partner—people who are objectively good-looking, accomplished, and interesting—felt the worst about their dating lives.

Aside from the very real pressures women and femmes face to settle down and have children, her patients cite pressures to look and act a certain way while dating. For example, to always appear interested, but not too interested, warm and friendly, but not too warm and friendly. Dr. Greenberg noticed that these influences were making her patients less interested in dating and more miserable in the process.

“The background of the sofa theory was to help with shame and comparisons, and to help undo the coping mechanisms that are actually counterproductive.”—Dr. Elinor Greenberg, psychologist

“There are a lot of hoops for women to jump through in the dating game, and there’s enormous pressure on women that isn’t on men,” Dr. Greenberg says. “The background of the sofa theory was to help with shame and comparisons, and to help them undo the coping mechanisms they’re using that are actually counterproductive,” she says.

So, knowing what you like and need, finding something that fits your needs, and looking until you find what you want are the frameworks for her method.

5 applications of the “sofa theory of dating” to start following now

1. Get clear on what you want

You wouldn’t buy a sofa with no clear idea of what type or size you need. Before making a decision, you’d probably research the dimensions of the space it’ll go in, and decide what kind of style and material you’re interested in.

Apply the same discernment when it comes to identifying what you want in a potential partners, especially if you’re looking for something serious. Dr. Greenberg advises taking the time to decide what you want in a relationship and in a partner and keep those in mind as you meet people.

For example, when Greenberg was dating before meeting her husband of 45 years, she knew she wanted a partner who could go toe-to-toe with her intellectually, so she only seriously pursued men she found to be very intelligent.

2. But be wary of looking for perfection in a potential partner

Don’t fall into the trap of making such an exhaustive list that nobody fits it, Dr. Greenberg cautions. Instead, One notion she encourages people to let go of is the idea of waiting for your soulmate to arrive.

This doesn’t mean settle for someone you don’t desire, but Dr. Greenberg says waiting for the perfect match to show up while ignoring some pretty good ones can leave you on the sidelines alone. “I believe that there’s thousands of people in the world that any of us can be happy with,” she says.

3. Only go on dates with people who have traits you want in a partner

Dr. Greenberg says you wouldn’t look at sofas in stores you can’t afford, or in styles you don’t like. “You wouldn’t shop in a store that carries sofas you wouldn’t bring home,” she adds—same with people.

On dating apps or IRL, Dr. Greenberg says to match and chat with people who share your interests and values. She adds not to waste your time with people who have greatly differing values from you, or who aren’t interested and serious.

4. Put yourself out there in high-potential places

Even if you’re an online shopper, you wouldn’t expect a sofa to fall into your lap—you would browse around stores and websites to find one you liked.

The same goes for finding a partner, Dr. Greenberg says. You can’t expect to meet someone staying at home, and you won’t meet people you’re interested in if you’re going places that don’t interest you.

So after you identify which traits you want in a partner, and put yourself in situations to encounter people like that. For example, if you want someone athletic, joining an intramural sports league is a good bet.

Conversely, don’t look for potential partners in places where you won’t find them. If you’re more of a homebody and want a partner who is the same, you probably won’t meet a compatible mate at a club. Instead, frequent places and groups that are more aligned with your interests.

5. Use unsuccessful dates as learning lessons not reasons to lose hope

Returning to the sofa comparison, you wouldn’t throw your hands up and say, “I’m not buying any sofa!” if the one you wanted was sold out or if you didn’t find one you liked. You’d make another plan and regroup.

It’s no question that dating can be discouraging, but Dr. Greenberg emphasizes that it’s a numbers game, so part of the process may involve going on lots of dates, not of which will be winners. Take the time to analyze what you’ve learned from bad dates to see what you want in a partner—and what you don’t. If you’re having a string of bad dates and unsatisfying connections, take time to recalibrate, but don’t count yourself out permanently.

As a dating coach and founder of Coaching Hearts Consulting, I’ve seen firsthand the unfortunate ways that unions dissolve. There are plenty of reasons for relationships to end and no single right way to go about a breakup (this script can help, though), but there are a lot of common breakup mistakes that generally well-intentioned folks make.

There are plenty of reasons for relationships to end and no single right way to go about a breakup, but there are a lot of common breakup mistakes that generally well-intentioned folks make.

Breakups are hard and the reality is someone will most likely be hurt. However, if you are the person doing the breaking up, know that you have the power to avoid bringing about undue hurt. In general, your best path forward for a respectful breakup is to focus on being open and direct; uphold the level of care that you once felt for them.

7 common breakup mistakes people make when ending a relationship

1. Ghosting the person

Ghosting the person you have been in a relationship with—or disappearing and ceasing communication without any explanation—is cruel. While ghosting anyone in your life isn’t ideal, taking this tack for someone you once called your partner is especially is especially ill-advised.

Unless you feel interactions with the person risk your mental, emotional, or physical health, it’s a best practice to provide some explanation or reasoning for ending your courtship.

2. Hiding behind a screen

A romantic relationship is intimate (on some level, even if not physically), and the breakup should reflect that. With that in mind, do not try to end a relationship through text, email, or Post-it note. If you prefer to write out your feelings or need the time to gather your thoughts and take notes, then that is perfectly fine.

The key here, though, is to not leave the note and run. Instead, write down your thoughts, and take them with you to read in person. Ask the other person to give you the space you need to read your words without interruption so that you can still get your point across calmly.

3. Public showing

With social media being ubiquitous, it’s now normalized to have our lives on display—for better or for worse. Even so, it’s not appropriate or kind to break up with someone in a way that causes public humiliation. While social media is one example of such a public forum, others include a party, or other public spaces where the person may feel humiliated or rejected by others. The end of a relationship is between the two people who were involved together and does not need to be displayed for external opinions or involvement.

4. Using words as weapons

In the heat of the moment, when you find yourself irritated, feeling defensive, or otherwise fed up, remembering to be thoughtful about your word choice can be tough. Doing so requires self-control and awareness. But, words matter and are powerful—especially if you know exactly what to say to get under the person’s skin (and if it’s someone with whom you were formerly close, that very well could be).

Words can’t be unspoken. Even after an apology, the sting can still leave a mark, long after you’ve parted ways.

5. Cheating

This approach is disrespectful and comes with serious potential repercussions for the other person, including emotional damage and trust issues. So, before becoming intimate—physically, emotionally, or otherwise—with another person, have the breakup conversation to properly end your previous relationship. Even if you’re already mentally checked out of your relationship, it’s crucial that you communicate that the relationship has ended.

6. Forcing friends to take a side

Having a relationship, especially over a long period of time, can mean that you have cultivated mutual friends together. Once the relationship dissolves, it doesn’t mean that your friendships need to end as well. Try to restrain yourself from telling your friends they need to pick a side. They have the right to stay friends with both parties if they choose. If you force them to pick one person over the other, you might just lose them as a friend as well.

7. Lying and excuses

It’s important that you’re honest with yourself about why you’re ending the relationship, and it’s best if you’re transparent with that information when you speak with your significant other. If you pretend like everything is okay and prolong the inevitable, you are not doing anyone any favors. In fact, this is a waste of time and energy for everyone involved, stifling the ability to heal, move on, and meet a partner who might be a better fit.

Before you use a breakup script with another person, though, you’ll need to first have a different hard and honest conversation: with yourself. Get clear about your reasons for wanting to end the relationship without soliciting outside opinions that might cloud your judgment. Keep in mind that the only people who ever really know what’s happening in a relationship behind closed doors are the two people in the relationship in question.

Once you confirm with yourself that a breakup is the best path for you, it’s time to stand confident and strong with the decision. Even if the decision results in short-term emotional pain, know that the long-term effect is allowing more space and energy for a more aligned romantic dynamic to come along for each of you. A breakup is absolutely not a failure. Now it’s time to decide where and when to have the conversation to use your breakup script.

The most effective environment for your breakup conversation

You might not be able to control how the other person will react to the news of your breakup, but there are certain factors you can plan for. One such example is taking care to have the conversation in an appropriate environment. This includes being cognizant of both the location and timing of your breakup conversation.

As long as you feel safe in doing so, it’s a best practice to have the conversation in person—not over the phone, via text, or through social media. Block off ample time so you are not rushed or distracted. The physical setting will ideally provide enough privacy to have an open and honest conversation. Some options to consider may include an intimate space at a relaxed coffee shop (one that’s not exceedingly loud, though), a park, outdoor walk, or privately in your home.

A breakup script for ending things respectfully

1. Avoid blame and criticism, and focus on how you feel

To uphold a level of respect and compassion, steer clear of language that casts blame or relies on criticism. Instead, work to focus on your own feelings and concerns; treat them like you would want to be treated. This can be a challenge, especially if you feel hurt and believe they are the reason for that pain. Keep in mind, though, even that pain can be a learning that can help you prioritize what you value in your next relationship.

By communicating your concerns and providing insight into why you are breaking up, the other person is likely to feel less attacked and therefore, less defensive.

So, instead of saying “you don’t treat me right and never take me out. You don’t care about me and are always too busy,” try a more self-aware approach.

What to say: “I don’t feel appreciated or listened to about my concerns. I understand your schedule is demanding and I feel like we are not in the same place with matching needs right now.”

By communicating your concerns and providing insight into why you are breaking up, the other person is likely to feel less attacked and therefore, less defensive. This will ease the conversation so that you can have more open and honest communication about the situation.

2. Affirm their reality, even if you disagree

It takes two to tango, and two to break up. With this in mind, allow the time and space to let your partner speak and ask questions during your breakup conversation. Aim to stay present and listen to them. Doing so doesn’t mean going back on your decision to break up—it simply acknowledges their feelings as valid. Even if you don’t agree, know their feelings are still real to them.

What to say: “I hear what you are saying. That you are angry, confused, and hurt. You have every right to feel that way. My hope is that over time, you will see that this is what’s best for us and that you will end up with an amazing partner who is wonderful for you.”

After the conversation, give yourself grace and the time you need in order to heal from the breakup. Even if you initiated the end of the relationship, the feeling of loss can still resonate. You are entitled to grieve in your own way. Believe in yourself and the decision you made.

According to the Gottman Institute, an organization that researches relationship dynamics, the goal of a micro-date is for you and your partner to spend uninterrupted time together with the focus on connection. Whatever activity you may do during a micro-date can take shape in any number of forms, whether sitting together on the couch and drinking coffee, or taking a quick walk around the block to catch up during the day or in the evening.

Read on for how to incorporate micro-dates into your routine, and how they can help strengthen the connection between you and your partner.

How 10-minute micro-dates can help effectively build intimacy

The goal of these mini dates is to build and maintain intimacy, which can take on a number of forms and is the backbone of romantic partnerships. Without regular nurturing and attention, maintaining a level of intimacy in your partnership can fall to the wayside. But at its core, intimacy is about building connection and paying attention to your partner, and micro-dates—which value quality time over quantity of time—can help accomplish this.

“You can’t really have a healthy and stable relationship without intimacy, and we need shared experiences in order for us to feel like it is a relationship [at all],” says therapist Joy Berkheimer, LMFT. Micro-dates provide bite-size opportunities to have such experiences.

Dedicating bite-size time windows with the intention to spend time with your partner is a manageable way to prioritize your relationship and other components of your busy life. To help ensure the time is as fruitful as possible in that short window, Berkheimer recommends conceptualizing micro-dates as a chance to strengthen your friendship with your partner and to learn more about them.

“You can’t really have a healthy and stable relationship without intimacy, and we need shared experiences in order for us to feel like it is a relationship.”—Joy Berkheimer, LMFT

Making time to be together becomes especially important if you have shared responsibilities that pull you away from each other—for example, if you live together or share children or pets. Such a situation is common for couples who’ve been together for a long time. “It’s like you go from being soul mates to roommates,” says Beth Goss, a certified Gottman Educator and Training Specialist for its Bringing Baby Home program. “You got together because you love each other and you have fun together, but sometimes the fun goes away, and it gets replaced with things like unclogging the toilet.”

It’s especially important for established couples to prioritize building intimacy, but newer couples benefit from this, too. The good news is that pretty much any activity can be a micro-date. Ten minutes should be the minimum amount of time you spend on any given micro-date, but if you have additional minutes to dedicate, even better. The point is that any amount of time is beneficial and better than no time at all. Here are some tips to make it go smoothly.

3 tips to make sure your micro-date goes smoothly

1. Pick a date and time

Decide with your partner when to do your micro-date so it doesn’t get pushed aside for other things. Each of you should commit to the practice in your schedule. Eventually, it could become a standing plan.

2. Choose an activity you both enjoy

The options for what you can do during your 10-minute micro-date are endless. Goss suggests taking walks, and Berkheimer takes that a step further by strolling to a local bakery to pick out a treat. More quick ideas might include picking a day to eat breakfast together or listening to  music. A micro-date could even be as simple as folding laundry and talking about your day. The key thing is that this time is dedicated to the two of you.

These activities also present the opportunity to bring thoughtful additions to future micro-dates. For example, using the bakery example above, Berkheimer says if you see your partner is eyeing a certain treat, you might pick it up for them later in the week as a surprise, and share it as another micro-date. These little things build joy that becomes a key building block of a great relationship.

3. Go phone-free if possible

Goss recommends striving to make the micro-dates phone-free if possible because phones can be distracting and take you away from your partner. Instead, try to come up with activities that don’t revolve around technology so you can be present with one another.

But before you can identify and sort these flags, it’s important to introspect about what your personal needs are in a partner and relationship, says Laurel House, a relationship expert at eHarmony. Needs, she adds, are different than wants in relationship, because wants aren’t necessarily relationship-sustaining. (Basically, it’s not an automatic deal-breaker or a red flag if a person doesn’t satisfy all of your wants.) Most of us have the same basic needs in a relationship, House adds—like the need to feel safe (emotionally, mentally, and physically), sexy, and seen—but it’s still important to rank those needs to gauge whether the most important ones can be met by a new potential romantic partner.

What are some green flags in a relationship?

After identifying your needs (or must-haves), one of House’s relationship tips is to consider the more general green flags in a relationship, which function as indicators that it’s okay to keep feeling out the person and relationship. “A green flag means this [person] is safe and you should proceed,” she adds. They’re healthy relationship signs, and also signal relationship compatibility.

“A green flag means this [person] is safe and you should proceed.” —Laurel House, relationship expert

Green flags in a person can also serve as signposts to help you determine whether or not you’re interested in getting to know a person better and pursue a romantic relationship. The more green flags in a relationship that you can identify, the likelier you are to want to keep nurturing your potential new connection.

Of course, there are differences between what might constitute green flags in a person for one individual versus another. This is why introspecting on your personal needs is so crucial, and can also help you identify your own good and bad relationship habits. That said, there are certain universal green flags in a relationship that experts say we can all benefit from identifying.

7 examples of green flags in a relationship, according to experts

1. They establish and maintain eye contact

Rest assured that being bad at maintaining eye contact doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a lackluster love life. But at the beginning of a new relationship, establishing eye contact is important for letting someone know you care about them, what they’re saying, and what they’re feeling, says certified sex therapist and licensed marriage family therapist Jacqueline Mendez, LMFT.

When two people maintain eye contact, it can also help bust nerves and facilitate connection because they’re focused on each other rather than distracted by other components in their environment. This can, in turn, lead to a more present conversation where both parties can feel seen and listened to.

2. They honor your “no”

“That’s a big one,” says Mendez. “Your ‘no’ is no—no explanation needed, no further negotiation.” For a low-stakes example to illustrate this point, let’s say that the person you’re dating asks you to hang out after a long day of work, but you’d rather use that time to recharge solo.

“Your ‘no’ is no—no explanation needed, no further negotiation.” —certified sex therapist Jacqueline Mendez, LMFT

If the person is understanding of your tiredness and simply says, “okay, we can hang out another time,” that’s a green flag that they’re honoring your no and respecting the boundaries you are setting around your own wellbeing and wellness needs. And respecting your boundaries is key, because if there’s some negotiation or pushiness (like, “It’ll only be for a bit.” or “Are you really that tired?”), that might not be someone who’s likely to honor your wants and needs down the line.

3. They’re open to having needs-based conversations

If the person you’re dating seems like they’re trying to avoid conversations about what you need in a relationship, it’s not a green flag. In addition to being dismissive of your desires, it could also be indicative of them not knowing their own needs, which might mean that they won’t be able to meet yours. It’s important to be clear on this.

4. They know themselves well

A person who knows themselves well is likely to more vulnerable, because if you understand yourself, it’s easier to be open and honest with others about your life. And if someone is aware of what they need in a romantic relationship, that’s a green flag.

How can you know if someone knows themselves well, though? According to House, a good indicator is being able to note that an individual seems able to take care of themselves. “Maybe they work out, maybe they eat healthy, maybe they make themselves a priority,” she says, adding that these behaviors reflect that they’re able to be present and comfortable being alone with themselves, which is indicative of a healthy relationship with the self.

5. They communicate that they care about you, even when you’re not spending time together

When you’re first dating, you may well not spend every waking moment with your new romantic interest. It’s possible that you only see this person a couple of times a week, leaving several days between each hangout. If that’s the case, but the person checks in with you in the meantime, Mendez says that’s a green flag.

It shows that “they still value you as a human being, even when they’re not with you,” adds Mendez. In practice, this could be as simple as sending a text message to let you know that they’re thinking about you. It also is nice to know that this person has a fulfilling life of their own outside of their romantic partnership.

6. They include you in long-term plans

No one is suggesting that you should book a trip six months in advance with someone you just met (but, also, if that’s your thing, do you!). The point here is that this person sees you in a future that goes beyond the end of your initial dates, which shows they are imagining a longer-term commitment to you and this partnership. Moreover, long-term doesn’t have to be months ahead of time—even asking for a second date would fall into the “green flags in a relationship” category, because it shows that this person is interested in getting to know you.

7. They aren’t solely focused on your physical relationship

Getting to know each other is perhaps the most important objective of dating, but you can’t do that if the conversation or focus is skewed toward just the physical connection, which is one of many relationship components. Sure, sex is important to a romantic relationship and our well-being, but having conversations that only revolve around that can be problematic, says Mendez, adding that it’s a green flag if they demonstrate that they’re authentically “curious about you, not just what they can get out of it.”

Soon after getting together in college, my boyfriend and I fell into a clichéd relationship dynamic of functioning as a single person. We still share interests and social circles, and after a big move from our longtime home in the Philippines to New York City last year, we now also share an apartment, clothes, and a cat.

Without many family members or friends nearby, we’ve come to rely solely on each other for companionship, too, which leaves little to no alone time for ourselves, save for the weekday hours we dedicate to our respective jobs. We spend many weeknights at home, sitting side by side on the couch, making our way through Netflix’s catalog. On weekends, we make pasyal (“sightseeing” in Tagalog), meandering through our neighborhood by foot, or hunker down in a coffee shops to read our own books, but in each other’s company.

Although I relish the comfortable rhythms of our relationship—perhaps more so now than ever before in this new and unfamiliar city—I’ve realized that much of my joy was tethered to it. I love my boyfriend, but I realized I didn’t know how to be alone in my own company anymore. And it was time for me to re-learn the skill.

The value in learning to be alone, for folks in any relationship status

There is merit in learning how to be happy in your own company, regardless of your relationship status. “One of the core elements that leads to fulfillment in life is comfort and contentment with ourselves and by ourselves,” says clinical psychologist Josh Klapow, PhD. “If we don’t feel safe and secure with ourselves and by ourselves, then we are perpetually in a state of looking for security outside of ourselves, or we are in a state of not feeling secure.”

“One of the core elements that leads to fulfillment in life is comfort and contentment with ourselves and by ourselves.” —Josh Klapow, PhD, clinical psychologist

Being happy or just content with being alone can benefit all relationships—be them romantic, platonic, or familial. A small 2018 study of adults older than 65 published in The Gerontologist concluded that time alone helped participants regulate emotions, and, thus, better prepared them to interact with others. Though conducted on a specific age group, it makes sense that the results could apply to all people, reflecting the adage that says to fill your own cup first and only feed others with the overflow.

However, many people fear solitude, and largely because they conflate being alone with loneliness, the latter of which carries a negative connotation. Unlike loneliness, though, time spent alone can be enjoyable, should one choose it. And taking yourself on a date is one way to learn to be—and enjoy being—your own company.

The case for taking yourself on dates

Solo or self-dates are exactly what they sound like: Intentional time with just yourself during which you are both the wooer and the woo-ee. You decide how your ideal date looks—where you’ll go, what you’ll do, and for how long. Initially, the idea of taking myself on such dates didn’t appeal to me, but that changed after reading Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. The best-selling self-help book aims to help readers tap into their inner creativity, and it led me to reimagine the vast possibilities of a self-date and the value going on one might offer.

In the book, Cameron recommends going on artist dates, or a “once-weekly, festive, solo expedition to explore something that interests you.” While the primary purpose of Cameron’s artist dates is to inspire creativity, I imagined that an excursion centered on something interesting to me could also qualify as an opportunity to reclaim time for myself and revisit—or discover—what makes me happy. I wasn’t off the mark:

“Cultivating our own interests is a wonderful way to either remind ourselves or learn what brings us joy and fulfillment,” says Dr. Klapow. He adds there is power in knowing what makes you, yourself smile, and by allowing yourself to pursue what brings you joy, you can find contentment, whether you have a partner(s) in the picture or not.

My takeaway on self dates after a month of them

When I took myself out on a date, I always dressed up. The ritual of doing so helped differentiate my solo dates from any other small moments of solitude I have. The occasions felt special, and with a reason to wear something other than pajamas, so did I. I was suddenly a woman with places to go and things to see.

When I took myself out on a date, I always dressed up. The occasions felt special, and with a reason to wear something other than pajamas, so did I.

My dates—with Cameron’s artist dates as inspiration—revolved around casual activities that weren’t artistically connected. I found myself drawn to public spaces with visual stimulation, like museums, movie theaters, and parks. With something on which to focus my attention, I was able to be present and avoid overthinking, which I tend to do whenever I have moments to myself. This was a welcome change to that typically buzzing internal monologue.

That’s me, though—your ideal date might look different. And according to Dr. Kaplow, the purpose here is to do something—anything—you enjoy by yourself. Solo dining doesn’t sound appealing to me, for example, but if that’s your idea of fun, by all means, wine and dine yourself.

After four self-dates, I wouldn’t say that I’ve unlocked any notable new level of self-contentment and security. But taking the time to be alone no longer feels like an afterthought. It became something I looked forward to. It helped me both decompress and allowed me to dedicate time to pursue my interests and remember that I’m not just one half of a couple.

I initially thought that it would take a moment to figure out or even just remember what my interests were outside my relationship. I was surprised to find that just by being with myself, I was able to remember things that I wanted to try but put off for so long, simply because I was waiting for someone to do it with me. With this in mind, taking myself on dates served as proof that I didn’t have to wait to try new things; I could do them when I wanted.

My boyfriend has taken up self-dates as well. We often send each other a message or two while we are apart, but mostly, there is a mutual respect for the alone time we’ve carved out for ourselves. It’s benefited our relationship; we have more stories to tell one another when we arrive home from our excursions. More importantly, though, I’ve learned from self-dates that I have more compassion and patience than I thought I had—and it feels good to give some of that to myself.

To find out, Well+Good interviewed Dr. Harmony, life coach Shannon Kaiser, author of Return to You: 11 Spiritual Lessons for Unshakable Inner Peace, and Emily Jennings, the founder of Wellness Oneness and author of Twin Flames and the Story Within: A Journey of Soul Awakenings, Healing, and Miracles.

What is a twin flame?

“Your twin flame is a fragment of you,” says Dr. Harmony. In spiritual terms, you can picture their soul as a different incarnation of your own. “This relationship is meant to bring your soul and this other soul into oneness or wholeness,” says Kaiser.

Because they are so fundamentally similar to you, a twin flame operates almost like a spiritual mirror, reflecting back to you both your strengths and your weaknesses, struggles, or past traumas. “Specifically, they will help you awaken to the suppressed sides of yourself that you have not been willing to face,” says Dr. Harmony. “The connection opens you up to being raw, honest, and vulnerable.”

What is the purpose of a twin flame?

The experience of meeting your twin flame can actually invoke some inner chaos or turmoil, akin to that of a karmic relationship, which similarly engenders a lot of really challenging growth. The turbulence atypical of the twin-flame journey isn’t for naught, though: “Typically, a twin flame will reopen unhealed wounds, causing emotional pain that could leave you feeling distraught, but all with the higher purpose of helping you fully see, feel, heal, and learn to love yourself,” says Dr. Harmony. Keep in mind that with a twin-flame connection, a breakdown could come before a breakthrough (you’ve been warned).

“Typically, a twin flame will reopen unhealed wounds, causing emotional pain that could leave you feeling distraught, but all with the higher purpose of helping you fully see, feel, heal, and learn to love yourself.”—Dr. Harmony, intuitive energy healer

While you’re on that journey, though, a relationship (platonic or romantic) with a twin flame could have a certain push-pull energy to it. Perhaps you meet someone and have a whirlwind romance for a few months, and then break things off abruptly, only to wind up back together years later because of a twist of fate. Maybe you spend a flight chatting with a stranger, and it inspires a massive change of heart and a new life direction.

In any case, there’s a clear feeling of your life having been turned upside down by meeting this person, says Kaiser. In other words, their entrance into your world creates a clear before and after.

12 signs you’ve found your twin flame

A twin flame typically enters your life for the first time when you have some emotional growing to do, prompting what Kaiser calls “a crash course in spiritual advancement.” As a result, there’s not really much value in searching for this person; either, they’ll find you… or, you may not actually have a twin flame. “If that’s the case, you’re certainly not incomplete without one,” Kaiser says. “A twin-flame relationship is just one path of many to support spiritual awareness and alignment.”

That said, there are signs to look out for if you suspect your twin flame has found you, or you’ve found them:

1. You “recognize” this person when you meet. When you first meet your twin flame, says Jennings, it may be that you “recognize” them, as though you’ve crossed paths before.

2. You feel an immediate bond. You’ll know when you’ve found your twin flame thanks to an instantaneous energetic bond, says Dr. Harmony.

3. You’re very alike. You may find that you both have a lot in common, including but not limited to your background, experiences, attitudes, and values.

4. This person feels like home. Your twin flame might be someone who “feels like home,” someone who instinctively understands you without ever really needing to explain yourself.

5. They have a magnetic hold on you. When you’re with this person, you feel a magnetic pull towards one another, and this allure is only further emphasized when you are apart.

6. You notice signs and synchronicities. After meeting, you may notice more signs and synchronicities, like recurring numbers or patterns, that confirm this person is “the one.”

7. You have twin-flame telepathy. Twin flames can often communicate without speaking, says Jennings, and often you may know what the other is feeling or thinking.

8. This person triggers a spiritual awakening. Twin flames will likely trigger a “spiritual awakening,” says Jennings, causing you to reevaluate life as you know it.

9. Your relationship is intense. The twin-flame connection is intense, filled with passionate feelings when the heart is aflame when you’re in love, or turbulence in times of conflict.

10. You’re on and off again. You may have an on-and-off relationship that embodies the “push-and-pull dynamic” is common between twin flames.

11. This person challenges you. If you are currently on the outs with someone, this doesn’t mean they’re not your twin flame. A twin flame can bring out the best and the worst in you.

12. You keep finding your way back to each other. Whether it takes months or years, you may find their way back to one another either by fate or choice, says Jennings.

Although you may be able to mentally and emotionally commit to the idea that your twin flame is out there despite them not currently being in your life, this also isn’t about putting your life on hold to wait for them. In fact, it’s quite the opposite: Often, when a person remains focused on their inner work and is able to find personal security, they end up uniting (or reuniting) with their other spiritual half serendipitously.

8 common stages of a twin-flame relationship

According to Jennings, there are common stages that occur in the twin-flame relationship, though each is unique unto itself.

Stage 1: the yearning

At this stage of the journey, you may not know you have a twin flame, let alone the concept of twin flames. However, you may have an inkling that something, or rather someone, is missing in your life, though it may be hard to put your finger on what (or who) it is.

Stage 2: the trigger

You may experience a trigger prior to meeting your twin flame. A trigger can be anything from seeing them in a dream to crossing paths with them in real life, says Jennings, serving as confirmation that there is something more out there for you.

Stage 3: the meeting

When you meet your twin flame, it’s like a reunion. “You are meeting for the first time, but it’s as if you’ve known each other in past lives,” says Jennings. There is an instant connection, and you may be drawn to them in a way that you’ve never been drawn to someone else before.

Stage 4: the ‘honeymoon phase’

Upon entering a relationship, twin flames may often experience a “honeymoon phase,” where everything is euphoric. This phase will usually last until conflict arises, but in any case it is “intense,” says Jennings.

Stage 5: the conflict, or the test

When challenges arise between twin flames, so too can hard-to-face truths about oneself, leading to pain and heartache. In this phase, as things become increasingly turbulent, one partner may choose to abandon the relationship.

Stage 6: the chase

Should one partner leave the relationship, there comes the chase, or what Jennings refers to as the “twin-flame separation.” Although it’s likely that the other will want to rekindle the relationship, it’s a time to look inward, cultivating self-love and healing old wounds.

Stage 7: the surrender

The chase can last any amount of time, according to Jennings, though you may come together again once you and your partner have worked through your personal challenges and overcome traumas and old wounds.

Stage 8: the coming together (again)

“Most people you’ll talk to haven’t experienced this yet,” according to Jennings, though she mentions it is possible. After having undergone the previous phases of the twin-flame journey, the relationship is restored thanks to mutual peace, acceptance, and understanding.

How this type of kindred spirit differs from a soul mate

All this talk about destined connection might conjure the idea of a soul mate, when in actuality, a soul-mate relationship has a few key distinctions from that of a twin flame.

For starters, while it’s possible to have a number of soul mates (both romantic and platonic), spiritual mentors like Dr. Harmony, Kaiser, and Jennings contend that you can only have one twin flame. While that person is like your other half, or a part of your soul reincarnated into a different person’s body, a soul mate is a separate soul that has a deep connection to yours, says Kaiser: “Soul mates are two souls that made an agreement before entering this life to meet up in some way.”

While a soul mate is certainly someone who’s on a similar life path to your own and with whom you feel like you can be 100 percent yourself, they likely won’t call you out, challenge you, or push you to grow in the ways that a twin flame typically does, according to Dr. Harmony. “It’s easy to fall in love with a soul mate and tougher to break ties with them,” she says. “You can even find yourself in a codependent relationship with a soul mate.”

Not so with a twin flame. “The initial contact with them can feel similar to a soul-mate connection, but the intensity is much greater because they represent your strongest mirrored reflection,” Dr. Harmony says. “Your twin flame ‘shows up’ to help you find your true self and align with your life purpose.”

Because that’s no easy feat, uniting and interacting with your twin flame often has that push-pull dynamic noted above, much like you were two parts of a dual sign. “You come together, then pull apart to release abandonment wounds and karma, and let go of old patterns, subconscious programming, and limiting belief systems that no longer support the best version of yourself,” Dr. Harmony says. “The intense experience creates new awareness that requires you and your twin flame to change your current life circumstances in order to eventually reunite again.”

If you feel a destiny-worthy connection to someone with whom you’ve always had bad timing, they’re more likely your twin flame than your soul mate.

But since finding this person isn’t meant to glorify the on-again, off-again relationship trope, consider this instead: If you feel a destiny-worthy connection to someone with whom you’ve always had bad timing, they’re more likely your twin flame than your soul mate.

What it’s like to be in a romantic relationship with your twin flame

Whereas a romantic relationship with a soul mate tends to have an air of calmness and support, a twin-flame romance often feels more supercharged and profound, says Kaiser. There’s an intensity to the relationship that can “ignite your inner fire and give you a desire to experience more passion and fulfillment in all areas of life,” says Dr. Harmony.

If that sounds wild or turbulent, it’s because it certainly can be. “Twin-flame relationships can lead to wholeness and help you feel more seen and understood, but only if both people have done their soul’s work,” says Kaiser. “If one or both people are not ready or willing to grow, the romance can be dramatic, or even toxic.”

As a result, most twin-flame romances have the greatest success later in life, when both people are secure within themselves and committed to wholeness, says Kaiser. This is especially important to note if you still feel connected to someone in your past with whom you have a similar background; your shared experiences are meaningful and could form the foundation for your growth together at a future point in time.

Because of the powerful ebbs and flows of any romantic twin-flame relationship, Dr. Harmony describes it as two people not only working together, but dancing together in rhythm. And just like any duet, it tends to work best if each person has learned to dance solo first.

Frequently asked questions

What is the true meaning of a twin flame?

Twin flames act as spiritual mirrors, reflecting back to you your strengths and weaknesses, struggles, and past traumas. Their purpose is to help you in fully seeing, feeling, healing, and learning to love yourself.

Can twin flames be lovers?

Twin flames can be lovers, but the relationship can also be platonic—they can be a friend, parent, or mentor. Regardless of relationship type, it is one that may change your life as you know it, inspiring a change of heart or invoking a spiritual awakening.

Can twin flames be toxic?

A twin-flame relationship can be toxic if one or both people aren’t ready or willing to grow, and often these toxic behaviors shown by one person are a reflection of the other’s own issues, insecurities, and learned habits.

Coined by the dating app Wingman, the term describes someone breaking free of the cuffing season attachments they formed and severing contact moving forward. Think: disappearing like a snowflake swept into a storm. The cutesy name may be new, but the act of breaking up with someone with whom you’ve formed a short-term attachment isn’t.

According to Jess Carbino, PhD, and former sociologist at Tinder and Bumble, assigning fun names like snow storming and cuffing season to patterns in dating (there’s also ghosting, cloaking, and orbiting, to name a few) helps us better understand what’s happening in our relationships.

In the case of snow storming, it may make sense to end things swiftly and cut off contact. The relationship itself was short and there’s a strong chance it wasn’t built to last if you got into it specifically to avoid being lonely during a specific time period, Dr. Carbino says: “Dissolving the relationship in a way that’s a bit more abrupt makes sense because the emotional ties and the entanglements do not feel as strong.”

But is it a kind approach to take? And, are there best practices to know about? Below, Dr. Carbino and relationship coach Adelle Kelleher, founder of Coaching Hearts Consulting offer their best tips.

Is snow storming an acceptable practice to adopt in dating?

It’s worth noting that making clean break in dating and severing all contact isn’t always a cruel thing to do. “Presumably there isn’t a lot of connective tissue there that would tether you to that relationship in a way that’s long-term,” Dr. Carbino says. “In any relationship that’s short-term, ending it in a way that is efficient if there is no interest in moving forward, done in a caring way, is appropriate.”

“Dissolving the relationship in a way that’s a bit more abrupt makes sense because the emotional ties and the entanglements do not feel as strong.” —Jess Carbino, PhD and former sociologist at Tinder and Bumble

What can be cruel and chaotic is ghosting or ending things in an out-of-the-blue and rapid, blizzard-like confrontation. Unlike ghosting, snow storming doesn’t mean being uncaring—and it’s certainly possible to respectfully make clear your future boundaries when breaking in a way that allows for no future contact.

How to practice snow storming in dating while still being respectful

If you’ve decided to end your cuffing season relationship and want the clean break that snow storming affords, Dr. Carbino suggests you proceed “quickly, completely, and with care.” Be considerate, and be ready to listen to what the other person has to say. “Fundamentally, if you explain to somebody that you’ve come to realize this is not right for you moving forward, most reasonable people will respect that,” she adds.

And do keep in mind that the end of cuffing season doesn’t necessarily have to mean the end of your cuffing season relationship. Dr. Carbino and Kelleher advise not letting the cuffing season label determine the value you place on this relationship and whether it’s worth continuing or not. “What really matters is to try to disentangle yourself from the very real and strong social pressures and to assess long-term what you want from a partner and to find that person whether it’s December 3rd or August 3rd,” Dr. Carbino says.

For Ochs, and many other folks who identify as queer and LGBTQ+, that narrative took a plot twist. “Growing up, it never once crossed my mind that I wouldn’t be with a man, monogamously, but then I fell in love with a woman and came out as bisexual,” she says. That’s when she began unpacking why she haphazardly accepted the understanding of monogamy that was foisted on her rather than exploring what makes better sense for the scope of her own life.

“I started to interrogate why I was in a monogamous relationship. I looked within myself, read about polyamory, talked with my non-monogamous friends, and did the work to unlearn what I was told growing up: that monogamy was and is the only way and the right way to structure a relationship,” she says. Ultimately, she found there are actually two types of monogamy: radical monogamy and reflexive monogamy.

How many types of monogamy are there?

The critical difference between the two types of monogamy—radical monogamy and reflexive monogamy—is that one involves actively seeking out a monogamous relationship, while the other involves falling into a monogamous relationship.

“Reflexive monogamy is when you’ve internalized messages about monogamy being the way to date and relate, and you are, therefore, monogamous,” she says. “Radical monogamy is when you decide to unpack those cultural biases, ask yourself what type of relationship actually works best for you, and then choose monogamy.

In other words, radical monogamy is monogamy on purpose. “What makes it radical is that you have considered, and perhaps even participated in, other relationship structures before arriving at a deliberate choice for monogamy,” says Sara Stanizai, a therapist and founder of Prospect Therapy, a private therapy practice that focuses on serving first-generation American and immigrant communities. “The term implies that an internal and/or exploration has taken place and that monogamy is a conscious choice.”

Reflexive monogamy, Stanizai adds, is lovingly referred to as the monogamy of past generations. “Reflexive monogamy is unquestioned, unexamined, and decidedly not a choice,” she says.

What is monogamy?

To practice radical monogamy, it’s important to first define monogamous. Stanizai says monogamous relationships are “romantic and sexual exclusivity between two people.” She adds, “It is founded on the idea that love and commitment are finite and that sharing those with more than one person means each person gets less of you.”

An example of monogamy is two partnered people who only have romantic, emotional, sexual, and intimate connection with each other, Stanizai says. However, she notes that “intimate” is defined differently by each person. For instance, having a platonic “work husband” may be considered emotionally cheating or watching pornography may be a form of betrayal for some people.

Types of Non-Monogamy

The opposite of monogamy then is non-monogamy. The main difference between monogamy and non-monogamy, Stanizai explains, is, “the divestment from the idea that sharing more of yourself with more people means that each person gets less of you. Instead, non-monogamous people generally understand the idea that sharing more relationships creates more intimacy and love to go around.”

There are many labels and types of non-monogamy and Stanizai says it’s up to each person to define it for themselves. Think of non-monogamy as an umbrella term which can include only dating others but being sexually exclusive with one partner, open relationships, monogamous couples who have sexual encounters with others (aka swingers), or polyamory.

How To Practice Radical Monogamy

Whether you’re already in a closed, committed relationship or more single than a dollar bill, you can embrace radical monogamy into your relationship structure. The first step, though, is to learn about all relationship structures, says therapist Dana McNeil, LMFT. Talking with your friends about how they came into their relationship structure of choice, and reading up on recommended material can help. McNeil suggests More than Two: A Practical Guide To Ethical Monogamy, The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide To Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Freedoms, and PolyInfo.org as great sources. And on the podcast front, Kinky, Nerdy, and Poly and Black Radical Queer are worth a listen, she says.

Seeking a therapist who specializes in polyamory and LGBTQ+ issues is also a great avenue for information. “A good therapist can help you make a pros and cons list about the advantages and disadvantages of being in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, for you,” McNeil says, adding that they can help you understand what to do with that information you unravel, and then decide how to move forward.

If after putting in the work, you decide monogamy works best for you, you fall into the radical-monogamy camp of relationship structures. Ultimately, Ochs says, the goal of this work is to realize that beyond the two types of monogamy, there’s not a single relationship structure that will work for every person. Because of this, it’s key to suss out what works uniquely well for you.

Types of Monogamy FAQs

Is monogamy possible? Does it work?

The short answer: yes.

“It absolutely works and is an extremely satisfying, healing, and beneficial relationship structure,” Stanizai says. “It requires honesty, communication, and shared values. It helps people create meaning, heal attachment injuries, and builds community.” Polyamory, she adds, also does the same.

Is there a way a monogamous person can be polyamorous?

According to Stanizai, yes, people that consider themselves a monogamous person can do the work to learn what it means for them and begin polyamorous relationships. However, she says, there is a caveat.

“I often say polyamory is not about the hook up. You are not necessarily going to be successful long-term if the only reason you are considering polyamory is so you can hook up with a specific person,” she says. “The reason behind this is that you are not changing the way you view relationship structures, you’re just changing the behavior.”

What is serial monogamy?

Someone being referred to as a “serial monogamist” is something you often hear. Stanizai explains serial monogamy is when someone stays in exclusive relationships of any length, one after another.

What is toxic monogamy?

“Toxic monogamy is when the tenets of monogamy are taken to an extreme,” Stanizai says, by using monogamy to justify coercive or abusive behavior. This can include going through someone’s phone messages or dictating who they can be friends with. Stanizai adds that with toxic monogamy, jealousy is seen as a strength and one partner protects the exclusivity of their relationship to their partner’s detriment.

Is monogamy suitable for everyone?

Lastly, Stanizai says monogamy is just as suitable for everyone as polyamory. Again, she emphasizes that the key is that each person decides their relationship philosophy and then designs relationships that suit their personal needs and capacity.

In my practice, I hear people struggle to differentiate between accepting imperfections in another versus signing on for someone who might be “less” than they deserve. On the one hand, being in a healthy relationship requires surrendering to who the other person is and knowing that people can change onlyif they are impelled to, not at your behest. On the other hand, thriving long-term relationships require negotiation and understanding that each person cannot be fulfilled by the relationship at all times. In any dyad, you have your needs, your partner has theirs, and the relationship has its own set of needs. Misalignment between these needs is to be expected and normal.

Let’s clear up misconceptions about words that often get overplayed in our dating conversations: settling, complacency (what keeps you stuck) and acceptance (what frees you up); and explore three of the real reasons why you might be so afraid about “settling.”

Many of us misunderstand what settling in a relationship truly is

There is widespread misperception that settling means taking less than you deserve. In reality, settling just means that you accepted something you didn’t like and didn’t say anything about it.

As mentioned earlier, it’s natural for there to be some disconnect between your needs and the needs of your partner—you’re different people, after all. That disconnect doesn’t automatically signal settling for “less.” In fact, it’s not settling if you’re in a relationship where you can talk about the longings you have that aren’t met and have these yearnings recognized and discussed in a constructive way. (This doesn’t mean you should get everything you want–needs must be recognized in a relationship, but not necessarily met within it.)

We often position settling as living with a potential lack in another (they don’t do x, y, and z enough), rather than taking responsibility ourselves to advocate, with intelligence and respect, for what we want and truly care about inside and outside of the relationship.

To that end, there is a distinct difference between complacency and acceptance—and that factors into how we understand “settling.” Complacency takes away our will to act or make a change—it is noticing a problem and choosing to ignore it. Whereas acceptance is about making an active choice to pay attention to the way things are and simply be with them for long enough to learn more about them. Once we accept where we are, we have what we need to choose what we want to become.

Writer and creator Dan Savage describes this difference as “the price of admission,” noting that you cannot have a long-term relationship with someone unless you are willing to pay a “price” in the form of acceptance. “There is no settling down without some settling for. There is no long-term relationship not just putting up with your partner’s flaws, but accepting them and then pretending they aren’t there.” This doesn’t mean that you have to like all aspects of your partner, but it does mean that you choose to live with them.

In this scenario, complacency is knowing that you can’t live with something and avoiding this fact to remain in the relationship. Acceptance is noticing things as they are and learning to open your heart and mind in order to live better with them.

So now that we understand what settling really is, why are people so afraid of the pop culture version of settling—that idea that you’re taking less than you deserve in a relationship?

What drives our fear of settling in a relationship

1. Fear of commitment

Worrying about settling may really be a fear of commitment in disguise. “Am I with the right person?” is a question most of us have asked ourselves at one point in a relationship. When we are worrying about the other’s suitability, we aren’t spending time with our own fears about making a big choice and living with it. Even if a part of you wants to commit, it can still be daunting to go all in. A 2018 survey by dating site eHarmony found that the top three reasons why millennials in particular fear commitmentare: uncertainty over whether a partner was right for them (39 percent), fear of opening up and potentially being hurt again (38 percent), and a lack of confidence in their own ability to maintain a successful relationship (35 percent).

The fear of settling can keep us feeling stagnant, disconnected, and paralyzed with anxiety. Stuckness is caused by the friction between forward moving energy (the part of us that wants to leap) and stalling energy (the part of us that is afraid to). In order to create movement, we must spend less time and energy on the other person and place more care and attention on getting to know the parts of us that are in conflict.

2. Denial of your needs

If you have a hard time accepting another person for who they are—and spend energy trying to fix, change, or rescue them—you may actually be fighting the reality that you can’t accept them as they are and therefore they are not for you. You may be trying to make them into who you need them to be, so that you don’t have to let go of them or to be alone with the feelings associated with having unmet needs.

When another person becomes your “work” or a project to take on, you are not in a relationship with them; you are in a relationship with the potential of them. This is all an effort to avoid the fact that you feel deprived, and as long as you’re not in touch with these needs, you can remain in agonizing hope that if you can help them change, you can finally get your needs met.

This is an indicator that you may need to grieve what it’s been like, perhaps even before this person came into your life, to live without the things your soul has longed for. It is only once you are in this reality, that you can begin to change it.

3. Fear about your own worth

It is important to differentiate between relationship anxiety and intuition. If you are holding onto the belief that if you were with someone else, the struggles would disappear, you may be trying to alleviate yourself from taking responsibility for your own destiny.

Therapist and relationship anxiety expert Sheryl Paul, MA, reminds us that at the root of the questions, “Is my partner good enough, attractive enough, smart enough, witty enough?” is “Am I enough?” Instead of looking at doubt as a red flag, she recommends asking yourself: “How do I feel about my partner when my heart is open and I am not in an anxious state?”

In moments when we are worried about another person being right, it can be helpful to examine the areas where we may feel not quite right. For example, if you’re worried about their emotional availability, examine the ways you might not be. If you’re concerned that they can’t meet your needs, ask yourself about your own efforts to make sure your needs are met.

Once we are paying attention to our own wounds and needs, we feel more empowered to address them. Focusing on the lack in another is a futile effort and often leaves us feeling disconnected from ourselves and our partner. The work is deciding what you can live with and what you can’t live without, and then searching for the people that show willingness and openness to learning.

Before delving into ways to protect our romantic relationships from the pitfalls of social media, though, let’s acknowledge its potential positives: It can function as a vehicle to help couples stay connected, especially in long-distance relationships; it creates a digital blueprint of special occasions and other memories for you and your partner to cherish; and it allows you to understand your partner in a different way.

“When you are honoring your mate on social media in some way—maybe they got a promotion, competed in a race, or you just want to share how wonderful they are—social media can be fun,” says Tracy Crossley, behavioral relationship expert. “It can also be an opportunity to see another aspect of your mate that you’ve never seen.” For example, a friend of your partner may tag them in a photo from years ago, before you even knew them. This may be intriguing to you, because it gives you a chance to see your partner in a new way.

The flip side of social media unveiling new details about a partner is that the new side may not resonate with you. Perhaps it even reflects a problematic behavior, like micro cheating, or “behavior that is not technically considered cheating, but involves more covert behaviors of secrecy, dishonesty, or emotional-based interactions outside of the relationship,” says psychologist Elizabeth Fedrick, PhD, LPC.

“A partner may feel every time they walk in a room, their partner is on social media, as though they can never put their phone down.” —Tracy Crossley, behavioral relationship expert

What constitutes micro cheating on social media depends on the scope of your specific relationship agreement. But, it may take the form of flirting—whether via comments, DMs, or liking certain photos—using suggestive emojis, or spending considerable time engaging in digital interactions that aren’t necessarily inappropriate, but still absorb emotional energy. “A partner may feel every time they walk in a room, their partner is on social media, as though they can never put their phone down,” says Crossley. “This clearly stands in the way of emotional intimacy.”

When someone is scrolling to an extent that they are distracted when spending time with their partner or ignoring them completely, it’s a sign that boundaries might be beneficial. Below, find tips to create healthy boundaries with social media in a romantic relationship.

6 tips to create healthy boundaries with social media in romantic relationships

1. Understand your intentions

Make a list of the reasons why social media matters in your relationship. This will help you identify what your boundaries are, if you don’t know already. Ask yourself why you share and post. Is it because you’re proud of it? Do you typically share other intimate aspects of your life? If you avoid posting your relationship altogether, why? You can also ask your partner the same questions to get their perspective.

Understanding the answers to these questions may help you identify what you value in social media, which will help you and your partner communicate.

2. Signal to your partner that you plan to have a boundaries conversation

It’s important to ensure we don’t catch a partner off guard with a difficult conversation they aren’t in the ideal mental space to have. Dr. Fedrick suggests using one of the options below to begin a hard conversation:

• “There’s something I would like to talk about. Is now a good time?”
• “I think we might have different perspectives about how we use social media. Do you have some time to talk about it?”
• “I was wondering when would be a good time to talk about something that has been bothering me.”
• “I feel hurt when I see you _________ on social media. Are you open to talking through this?”
• “I am struggling with some of the things you have been posting on social media. Would you be willing to explore a compromise on this?”

3. Be open and honest about how you truly feel

Transparent communication creates a sense of assurance and solidarity within a relationship. “It’s crucial that there is not shaming, blaming, attacking, or criticizing during this time in order for effective compromise to be possible,” Dr. Fedrick says.

Address what bothers you about their social media usage by asking open-ended questions. Lean into curiosity rather than rebuking your partner. “When healthy compromise becomes an active part of a relationship, both parties get to feel safe, respected, valued, and, thus, encouraged to make requests and express their perspectives without fear of shame, conflict, or rejection,” she adds.

4. Respect your partner’s social media style

It’s important to remember that a relationship not only includes you but your partner, who might have a completely different way of using social media than you do.

You may be an extroverted person who loves showing the world many aspects of your private life, including your relationship. However, if your partner isn’t the same way, you have to respect their hard limits and adjust the way you reflect your relationship on the public forum.

5. Spend phone-free quality time together

If you feel like your partner gets distracted by social media, suggest doing activities together where phone use is limited, like hiking or a couples spa appointment.

“When you genuinely make an effort to bond, not from insecurity but from love, you end up with better results,” Crossley says. “It is about making a relationship work, not feeling like you have to give up something to have a healthy relationship.”

6. Don’t let appearances matter more than what actually works for you

There’s no official rule book for how a relationship is “supposed to” look, and there’s certainly no rule book on how to couples “should” conduct themselves online. That’s why it’s important to not get caught up in the optics of a situation and to create your boundaries based on what works for you and your partner.

“Unfortunately, people read a lot into social media and often give it more meaning than it deserves,” Crossley says. “Their relationship in real life is much more important than how it might appear.”

Needless to say, there are many factors that can help and hurt your relationship satisfaction, and social media is just one of them. However, being open and honest about your feelings and boundaries will go a long way.

As a dating coach, I believe that cuffing season for couples is certainly a real thing. It provides an opportunity to reconnect or connect on a deeper level with someone already in your life and also to create new and meaningful memories. To make the most of cuffing season, I’ve rounded up some of my favorite strategies.

4 ways cuffing season for couples can increase meaningful connection

1. Being supportive most effectively

When the holidays approach, so do the family members. Sometimes, togetherness can be a blessing, but for those times when it presents more of a challenge, having a partner by your side can you help manage the awkward, dramatic, or inappropriate behaviors that seem to emerge.

The deeper understanding you already have of one another stands to make tricky dynamics of cuffing season easier to navigate, bringing you closer together in the process.

An added benefit of being in a relationship during cuffing season is that your partner likely knows you’ll appreciate them fielding questions from your aunt who keeps bringing up triggering topics at dinner. (Or, for that matter, helping to defuse any otherwise tricky family dynamics that emerge over the holidays.) The deeper understanding you already have of one another stands to make tricky dynamics of cuffing season easier to navigate, bringing you closer together in the process.

2. Enjoying the festive season, stress-free

The cold months bring a slew of fun and charming festivities. Pumpkin patches, ice-skating, tree lightings, holiday parties, and the like are great opportunities to have shared experiences with your partner. As an established couple, you don’t need to worry about who will be your date and can instead just focus on having a great time.

3. Connecting on a deeper level while giving back

The early stages of dating that are common to singles taking part in cuffing season relationships often have a light and flirty vibe. But for people who have already gotten to know each other, there’s likely a greater understanding and desire of their needs from the relationship and the needs of others.

With your own needs already satisfied, you might have more time and space to dedicate to volunteering opportunities together, which can also provide for a powerful bonding experience. Helping people in need can deepen your bond with your partner while exploring your shared interests.

4. Not worrying about getting the perfect gift

The issue of commitment or wondering how a certain gift (or lack of gift!) might affect the delicate balance of early dating are not a concern for couples during cuffing season. Of course, it’s important to still be thoughtful in any relationship dynamic, but baseline questions common to early unions are off the table, like how much is too much to spend and whether they’re getting you a gift at all.

Because of this, the benefits of being established romantic partners during cuffing season include having an understanding about gift-giving and -receiving along with other components of holiday dating, like a New Year’s Eve kiss and intimacy in general. Enjoy it!

So, even if you’re coupled up, cuffing season provides an opportunity for connection. Being mindful to enjoy your partnership during this time of year can afford all parties involved a sense of happiness and ease. Cuddle up and enjoy your partner and the bond you have. 

As a certified dating and relationship coach, I fully understand that the latest platforms promising you the partner of your dreams can register as irritating when you feel like you’ve been sifting through endless bad profiles and lame responses. That can dishearten even the biggest romantic! Luckily, help is here; below find my top seven tips for how to write a dating profile that’ll attract your best matches.

7 tips for how to write a dating profile that’ll attract a match

1. Use your photos to tell a story

You have barely any time to make an impression on the person who’s viewing your profile, so make sure you use it judiciously by telling a story with a single image. You can highlight your passions, hobbies, interests with a photo.

For instance, if you love your pet, include them. If you’re passionate about cooking, then use a picture of you whipping up a culinary feast. The goal is to give a better idea of the person you are beyond a photo.

2. Minimize the selfies

The power of photos in a dating app profile are to represent your full image—not just your face, abs, cleavage, or any single part of you. The pictures should also reflect a realistic depiction of your current appearance, not how you looked three years ago or with heavy filters. Include at least three to five photos (and, please, no more than eight) that add up to a reflection of who you are as a person.

3. Be aware of what’s in your background

We already know that you can tell a story with a picture—and that includes what’s hiding in your background. So, for instance, unless your bathroom is big enough to not include a toilet in the photo frame, then please don’t use a bathroom photo. This also goes for showing a messy laundry situation behind you, an unmade bed, and kids or pets that are not yours or are not significant to your life.

With dating apps, it’s important to be intentional with how you present yourself—and that includes the environment you show to others.

With dating apps, it’s important to be intentional with how you present yourself—and that includes the environment you show to others.

4. Be specific—really specific in what you write

It’s great that you love to travel and hike—but guess what? So does everyone else on dating apps. If you truly enjoy something, you should be explaining why you enjoy it.

So, instead of simply writing in your profile that you love to travel, give some context for why travel is important to you. Give insight into what brings you joy. Is it Christmas in New York City because of the decorations? Wine at cafés in Paris because you love to people-watch? Zip-lining in Mexico because you’re a thrill-seeker? Share specifics so you can attract the right people to your profile who genuinely appreciate you and your interests.

5. Highlight your positivity

Have you ever sat down at a restaurant you had long wanted to try only to learn that they were out of all the dishes you planned to order? It does not feel good and might instantly put you in a mindset of disappointment instead of acceptance and abundance.

Dating profiles are similar in many ways. You can choose to highlight frustrations surrounding the lack of success in finding a match that you’ve had to this point by sharing what you’re not looking for in a partner. But, the more effective strategy for attracting a positive partner is to focus on what you like and appreciate in a partner. The positivity shift may attract more open-minded people who are excited to get to know you better. (Similarly, you might use the opportunity in the restaurant scenario to try a different dish you hadn’t thought to order—you might love it!)

6. Use humor, but sparingly

Sarcasm, self-deprecating humor, and politically heated jokes can be a great ice-breakers, but only if you know your audience and are confident that they will understand your tone and point of view. Those key details, though, are things you can’t expect strangers on dating apps to be able to gauge. Often, humor can come across as rude, insensitive, or simply confusing.

If you can find a way to allow your unique humor to shine without fear of any of this happening, then, by all means, go for it! Otherwise, proceed with caution.

7. Create intrigue

I will never forget the day I saw a guy’s dating profile that said even though he worked in business, he really wanted to be a ninja. That caught my attention immediately and had me so curious that I had to reach out to him. That guy is now my husband. Keep your profile honest, fun, and interesting. You want what you present to stand out, stop someone in their swiping tracks, and connect with them.

Your dating profile is a reflection of who you are and the type of the person you want to attract. Allow yourself to shine as the well-rounded, multidimensional person you are, using your voice, your brilliance, and your true self.

“If you are mindless, manipulative, and bad at communicating, you are bad at dating,” says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, associate professor of human communication studies at California State University, Fullerton, and sex and relationship expert. “Meanwhile, if you’re mindful, communicative, and authentic, you’re pretty good at dating,” she says.

But how do you bring your most communicative, authentic self to the dating game? Ahead, find the top expert-backed tips for doing just that. Get ready to be a top-tier dater in no time.

Ready to learn how to get better at dating? These 8 tips can help:

1. Figure out what you want

There are any number of reasons someone might be dating, and only one of those reasons is to meet someone to marry. These reasons include exploring their sexual orientation, finding a secondary or tertiary partner, and meeting people in a new city, to name just a few. “It’s so important to be honest with yourself about what you want, because otherwise you won’t get what you actually want,” says mental health professional and relationship expert Jor-El Caraballo.

“It’s so important to be honest with yourself about what you want, because otherwise you won’t get what you actually want.” —Jor-El Caraballo, relationship expert

To distill your answer, simply ask yourself, “What do I want?” Your answer to this question will guide how you approach dating, including what apps you download (if any), what you put in your bio (if applicable), and how you respond when a potential partner asks you what you’re looking for.

2. Get realistic

Beyond figuring out what you want to gain from dating, you need to ascertain how much effort you’re willing to put into it, says Caraballo. After all, wanting to date and actually prioritizing doing it mindfully are not the same thing.

So, consider whether there’s anything in your life you’re willing to give up in order to dedicate more time and energy to dating. For example, are you going to exercise one day a week less? Will you spend less time on TikTok? There are only so many hours in the day, Caraballo says, so unless you figure out what you’re going to cut back on, you’ll have a tricky time adding in dates.

As for how much you’ll need to cut back elsewhere in order to date? Ultimately, it’s subjective, depending on the current demands on your schedule and the magnitude of your dating, sex, intimacy, and relationship goals. “You should put in as much time as you reasonably can to ensure that your dating life is helping you hit your marks,” says Caraballo. “Those looking for more stable or permanent connections would do well to invest more time into finding their right fit,” he says.

Of course, simply dedicating more time to dating won’t guarantee that you meet your dating goal (and, in fact, you might meet that goal without any extra time dedicated), but as with anything else in life, directing effort to an intention is a helpful means for achieving goals.

3. Listen more

People are often more worried about being interesting than they are interested, says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn. The consequence of this is that in order to be interesting, you might not be listening well. This can lead to one person leaving a date feeling like they could write the other’s biography, while the other leaves without any information that would actually help them decide if they want to see someone for another two hours.

A little self-reflection will help you understand which of the two categories you’re more likely to fall into.

4. Do activities that you actually like

“Doing things on dates that you actually enjoy will make it easier not to get weighed down from dates that aren’t exciting or joyous,” says Caraballo. So while dinner and a movie and Netflix and chill may be popular go-to date-night plans, they don’t need to be your go-to date night plans.

If you’ve always wanted to try making pottery, do it with someone you’re interested in courting. And if you love wine-tasting on the weekend, see if you can find someone to join you. You could even invite a date to things you have to get done. For example, if your dog need to get walked, why not invite your right swipe to meet you for a dog-friendly hike or a hang at the dog park. Do you need to go grocery shopping? Why not invite your date to your favorite farmer’s market? Who says errands can’t be dates?

5. Actually meet up

If you’re just looking for a sexy pen-pal, having a text-only relationship is A-okay. But if you’re ultimately looking for an in-person relationship, Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn recommends trying to meet up ASAP. “Chemistry is different face-to-face than it is via text, so the sooner you know, the better,” she says.

If you generally prefer getting to learn more about someone before meeting up with them in person, she recommends FaceTiming the person or calling them on the phone ahead of meeting up. Both mediums will allow you to collect additional information so you can make an informed decision about whether this someone you’d actually want to meet IRL.

6. Ditch the old-school rules

As the saying goes, rules are meant to be broken. And as far as old-school dating rules go, nothing could be more true. So with regard to questions about how long you should wait to have sex or who pays for the first date, Caraballo says to ignore any preconceived notions.

“These dating rules are based on the idea that you must do things right, or you risk losing a potential suitor,” he says, adding that this simply isn’t true. The kind of person who is a good match for you won’t be turned off by things like the speed with which you text them back, for example. What does matter is that you communicate your expectations and ask the same of them: “That kind of vulnerability and courage is a fruitful ground for any kind of connection to grow and flourish,” he adds.

7. Be proactive about bettering your relationship skills

You know employers value go-getter employees, and according to Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn, your partners and potential partners will value that instinct, too. “People who are good at dating are proactive about constantly deepening the relationships that they’re exploring so that those relationships don’t get stuck,” she says.

“People who are good at dating are proactive about constantly deepening the relationships that they’re exploring so that those relationships don’t get stuck.” —Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, sex and relationship expert.

In practice, that looks like scheduling hang times in advance, actually planning dates, asking deeper questions, being increasingly vulnerable, and fostering deeper intimacy, says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn.

8. Take a break when you need to

Put bluntly, dating isn’t always going to be super exciting and joyous, but it shouldn’t weigh you down, consume your energy, or send you into a spiral of hopelessness. “If you find that you’re starting to get disillusioned, it’s completely valid to take a break for two days or two months or however long you need,” says Caraballo. When you have the schedule capacity and emotional bandwidth to show up and be vulnerable enough to date another person, try again then, he says. The only timeline in dating that matters is your own.

Water-based lubes 101

Water-based lubes are safe to use on any area of your body (internal or external) and won’t compromise the integrity of safer sex measures like latex condoms or your sex toys. Sex educator Cindy Luquin, MA, CSE, founder of sexual-health education platform Pleasure to People, says that she always recommends water-based lube because “it’s the easiest to clean up, won’t leave oily stains on your sheets or clothes, and is safe to use with sex toys and condoms.”

Thinking that you’re “too young” to need lube or “too old” to get into the game? Luquin would urge you to think again. “All people can benefit from using water-based lube,” says Luquin, debunking myths that only “dried up old ladies” need lube, as was a trope in the 2007 hit film Superbad.

She adds that water-based lubes “create a more pleasurable experience, and reduce friction and risk of injury.” For that reason, Luquin encourages folks to think of lube as a friend rather than a foe, in both partnered play and solo sessions. However, lube does not prevent STIs, says Luquin, so make sure to still protect yourself and practice safe sex.

With that caveat out of the way, read on to shop the best 12 water-based lubes to include in your next sexcapade. Looking for lubes for sensitive skin? Organic lubes? CBD lubes? Warming lubes? We’ve got expert-vetted roundups for those, too (just click the links!).

The best water-based lubes currently on the market

Bloomi, Smooth Personal Lubricant — $10.00

Perhaps my favorite thing about Bloomi’s water-based lube is that it’s designed to supplement the moisture that your body produces on its own (rather than take its place completely). Additionally, this option gets Luquin’s eco-friendly seal of approval.

“For the clean-conscious consumer, Bloomi is a wonderful Latinx-owned brand that takes pride in providing high-quality, plant-based lube,” says Luquin. Bloomi’s formulations are science-backed, too. The main ingredients in this one are purified water, organic sunflower seed extract, and green tea extract, which are all hydrating ingredients.

Shop Now

#LubeLife — $10.00

Though its bottle is not the most aesthetically pleasing, #LubeLife is among the best sellers on Amazon, raking in more than 110,000 ratings for an average of 4.4 stars. I was sent a six-pack, and can fully attest that the hype is well worth it. The brand offers flavored and non-flavored options, and my favorite is the original.

#LubeLife leaves out parabens, glycerin, silicone, and oil, so it’s also a good option for sensitive skin. The list of what’s in it is actually quite short at just five ingredients, including water; propanediol, an emulsification agent; gluconolactone, which helps prevent clumping; hydroxyethylcellulose, which is a thickening agent; and citric acid, which prevents the lube from feeling sticky. Take it from me, a little (like a nickel-sized amount) goes a long, long way.

Shop Now

Pepper, Personal Lubricant — $22.00

You know how any sort of oil (olive, baby, or otherwise) stains? That’s another concern when it comes to using oil-based lubes. Pepper’s water-based lube doesn’t have that problem, because it is oil-free. According to their website, and my personal experience, this lube wipes off clean with a washcloth. Their website also states that this lube is safe to use with “every kind of condom and every kind of partner (human, rechargeable, and battery-operated).”

Luquin also stands behind this option as a more lavish lube. “If you want luxurious vibes in the bedroom, then Pepper has got you covered from its packaging to its ingredients,” she says. “Their water-based lube includes clean ingredients, luxury minimalist packaging, and a silky feel, reminding you that you deserve the pleasure you want.”

Shop Now

Maude, Shine Organic — $25.00

Maude’s water-based lubricant hits all the wellness buzzwords: organic, vegan, cruelty-free, fragrance-free, pH-balanced, and paraben-free. Additionally, it’s formulated with aloe, which is highly moisturizing for the skin all over your body. To get this off, though, you’ll need to rinse the areas to which you applied it with warm water. The good news is that even if you don’t wash it off, you won’t feel sticky.

To use it, the Maude product description recommends applying the product on an “as-needed basis.” Their recommended strategy also includes feeling out which areas are less wet and applying the lubricant directly to those spots.

 

Shop Now

Lovers, Water-Based Lube — $26.00

Another option with a short ingredient list is Lovers Lube, which contains only six ingredients. The list includes hydrating and anti-sticky agents like propanediol, gluconolactone, hydroxyethylcellulose, and citric acid. To use it, Lovers recommends applying the “desired amount of lubricant to yourself, a partner, or a favorite sex toy to enhance sensation, improve comfort, reduce friction, and prevent microtears.”

This water-based lube is truly a superstar, and can be used with virtually any sex toy, as it’s compatible with silicone, rubber, latex, and polyisoprene. “So, I never thought of using lube before because I never had an issue producing my own juices downstairs needed for the deed but DAMN, I was missing out,” reads one review from a verified buyer named Heidi S., who awarded the product five stars.

Shop Now

Smilemakers, Generous Gel — $20.00

I’m gonna go ahead and say it: This is the best water-based lube I’ve ever tried, and I have more than a handful in my, um, toy chest. The bottle comes with a pump that makes dispensing the solution super simple, and the bottle is just the right length so that the amount the pump dispenses gets you where you need to go.

Upon doing more research, I learned that Smilemakers Generous Gel was specifically formulated for people with vaginas, but you can also use it anally. What’s more, is because of its original intent, this formula is also pH-optimal. Having tried it myself, I can say that it’s not sticky, it lasts a while, and it feels as natural as could be. Seriously.

Shop Now

Lovehoney, Enjoy — $17.00

Since this option comes with a pump applicator, it might be best for beginners who are unsure of how much product to use. Additionally, it’s safe to use with any sex toys and most condoms, even flavored condoms. You also get 8.4 fluid ounces, so this might be the best bang for your buck. (Honestly, no pun intended.) One Lovehoney reviewer said that this is actually the only lube they buy. “[This is a] very good lube. [It] does not get tacky or sticky when used, [and] a little goes a long way with this lube.”

This is also a great option for solo play. I’ve tried this with my Womanizer Clitoral Suction Stimulator (one of my all-time favorite sex toys) and the toy hasn’t been harmed at all. I’ve also tried it with a partner and it makes a big difference—for the better. The manufacturer’s recommendation is to apply it liberally, which will be different from person to person. Try starting off with a small amount and adding more if necessary.

Shop Now

Good Clean Love, Almost Naked Personal Lubricant — $7.00

“My favorite water-based lube is from Good Clean Love,” says Luquin. “This one is specifically formulated for sensitive skin, has a thinner consistency, and is hypoallergenic, and unscented.” Those are exactly the characteristics that have led this lube to rave reviews on Amazon.

One titled “XXX-rated review, because that’s why we’re all here” might go down as my favorite review of all time. In it, a user named Tracy Marie says that this lube “makes for painless sex” and provides that “mac and cheese sound” that folks love to hear. She continues: “I hope they never change whatever they are doing with this product because I have no complaints. I’m about to put this on subscription so it gets delivered every few weeks!”

Shop Now

Lelo, Personal Moisturizer — $22.00

Aside from looking like it’s worth $1 million, Lelo’s personal moisturizer is also free from parabens, glycerin, and fragrances, which makes it another great option for people with sensitive skin. Its formulation features aloe vera, which is highly hydrating and prevents irritation from friction, as well as ingredients to help balance pH.

One thing to note here is that this looks like it’d be a spray because of the dispenser. But this isn’t a spray, assures the manufacturer, and is a gel-consistency lube. Another thing that sets Lelo’s lube apart is that it’s designed to be more versatile, meaning you can use it as lube and as a massage oil. Truly, it’s whatever the mood calls for.

Shop Now

Zalo, Personal Moisturizer — $14.00

Another amazing aesthetic option comes in the all-gold bottle that is Zalo’s personal moisturizer. Additionally, the formula is hypoallergenic, fragrance-free, and non-staining, so you don’t have to worry about throwing your sheets in the washer immediately post-coitus.

Zalo recommends storing this at room temperature, so don’t get any ideas about putting it in the fridge for a cooling sensation. In fact, some reviewers have noticed that there’s inherently a little bit of a warming sensation to this lube. For that reason, they recommend not using it anally—unless that’s your cup of tea.

Shop Now

Jo Organic, NaturaLove Lubricant — $14.00

Sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, previously told Well+Good that this pick was one of her favorites—and it’s not hard to see why. The ingredients list on NaturaLove is also short and free of parabens as well as glycerin. Some reviewers have noted, though, that this is a quick burn, and it gets sticky after a short time.

That said, not everyone enjoys marathon sex—which also means that not everyone needs long-lasting lube. I, for one, like to keep it under 10 minutes, and this lube gets you to at least that mark. Once you’re done, make sure to rinse it off with warm water to prevent it from getting tacky.

Shop Now

Cake, Natural Sex Lube — $14.00

This natural lubricant uses water and aloe bases that’re safe for latex condoms as well as most silicone sex toys. It’s also hitting some wellness goals since it’s infused with organic ingredients like hemp, mushroom, and quinoa to leave your sexy parts exactly how you want them to be. Natural Sex Lube also comes with a pump dispenser, which takes the guesswork out of the application—and it’s unique because it’s one of only a few FDA-approved lubricants.

Shop Now

Want to be the first to hear about the latest (and greatest) SHOP product drops, custom collections, discounts, and more? Sign up to have the intel delivered straight to your inbox.

There are all kinds of reasons folks might take to fexting and tap away on their phones to air their grievances with any important person in their life. (As a note, fexting can happen in platonic and romantic relationships alike.) For one, expressing hurt in a live, face-to-face scenario can be intimidating, especially if you hate conflict. Also, taking the time to write out your thoughts can help you stay composed and on-message while you’re communicating. And if you live in different time zones, or you don’t see your partner or friend in question often, this mode of communication may feel all but natural. At the same time, however, leaning on a regular fexting practice might not be doing your relationship any favors.

While it’s possible to disagree with a partner and settle an argument constructively, there are also many ways to go about conflict that will only make things worse. And when arguing via fexting, that’s absolutely the case. According to counselor Mykal Manswell, LCMHCA, here are some examples of forms of fexting that stand to exacerbate any given argument, whether with a romantic partner or anyone else:

• Using harsh language
• Sending several messages in a row as a tactic to overwhelm or hurt someone
• Sending demeaning comments
• Intentionally relying on short responses in order to be manipulative
• Using emojis, photos, GIFs, and videos in an immature to nature to elicit negative emotional responses
• Stonewalling, or refusing to respond or communicate in a constructive way (or simply not taking a moment to calm down
• Typing so it looks like you’re replying, without the intention of actually sending anything

How fexting stands to compromise your relationship

Ultimately, fexting is more likely to lead to misunderstandings than arguing live, which can lead to subsequent, unrelated arguments that could have been avoided entirely. That’s because when you fight over text, “words can be misconstrued, an excessive number of messages cause irritability, and the conversation is not effectively or mutually accepted by both parties,” Manswell says.

“Words can be misconstrued, an excessive number of messages cause irritability, and the conversation is not effectively or mutually accepted by both parties.” —Mykal Manswell, LCMHCA

Furthermore, well-intentioned, genuine texts can easily be perceived as sarcastic or ironic during a fexting spat, adds Callisto Adams, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex and dating expert. (Detecting tone from a text is close to impossible—been there, tried to do that—even when you include emojis and careful wording.)

The negative impacts can be long-lasting, too, Manswell says, potentially leading to resentment, a lack of communication, and even a breakup in romantic relationships. He especially sees this with couples in long-distance relationships. “Communication is supposed to be engaging, provide clarity, and create an opportunity for growth, enthusiasm, or education,” Manswell says. “Couples who are in long-distance relationships tend to run into communication issues because they simply lack the unique opportunities to constantly meet in-person, which can help improve problem-solving issues more directly.”

How to approach arguments constructively and leave fexting behind

First, take a moment to gather your thoughts and decipher what exactly is eating at you. “While taking your time, you also give yourself a chance to calm down from the overwhelming emotional stage you might be in,” Dr. Adams says. “That can affect your logical thinking as well.”

Next, reach out to your partner (or friend). Manswell recommends having serious conversations over a phone call or video chat, if not in person, “so that tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language can be acknowledged effectively and reduce the opportunities to become consistently misunderstood.” This is a way to have the conversation right when it’s needed, but without all the heat-of-the-moment hurt and confusion.

Scheduling virtual or in-person meet-ups regularly is a good idea, too, even when you don’t have a concern to share. And if your loved one starts fexting you, consider encouraging them to move the conversation to one of those other mediums so you two can address the issue best.

During that conversation, remember that other fair-fighting skills come into play. Some examples include using “I statements” (aka, “I feel ___ when ___ because ___. What I need is ___.”), as well as not bringing up past fights or being cruel in general.

Dr. Adams also urges talking to the other person as if they’re right in front of you, regardless of your proximity. This includes being thoughtful; if the situation were flipped, consider how you would respond to the words you’re saying. “Pay attention to your words and how you put them in a sentence,” she says. “That can set a friendly, defensive, or aggressive tone to your message. The more aggressive, the more you agitate the fight.”

On that note of arguments escalating, Manswell recommends setting boundaries. “One of the best ways a couple can have an argument or dispute more effectively is by creating ground rules and expectations when texting,” he says. He also suggests setting up a code word for when things start heating up, so you can stop and reassess how to best move forward. These steps limit mistreatment and create mutual accountability, he adds.

Arguing with your loved one is never fun, but fexting—while tempting, at times—can easily make the situation worse. The next time this happens, the experts encourage picking up the phone to call or FaceTime, or planning an in-person meeting.

Reverse catfishing happens when folks use… not the best photos of themselves on dating apps to attract suitors who are interested in their personality rather than appearance. (It’s a riff on the term “catfishing,” which describes using a false online persona to deceive someone.) “While most people work on the logic that they’re only as hot as their worst dating app photo, other people want to ensure that their potential dates are genuinely interested in who they are,” says London-based dating expert Hayley Quinn. “This could mean they upload unflattering photos because they don’t want to oversell their looks. They want someone to be attracted to their personality.”

But while some daters, like Stephanie, may embrace being reverse catfished as a welcome surprise, could there be drawbacks to kicking off a potential relationship by intentionally presenting an unkempt version of yourself? According to experts, not necessarily.

To reverse catfish…or not?

“It makes sense to me that someone who repeatedly matches with people who fawn over them and show little interest in getting to know them ‘on the inside,’ might downplay appearance and amplify other traits,” says Maggie Vaughan, PhD, a psychotherapist based in New York City. “Downplaying your looks is no better or worse than posting only your best photos, which is what most people do. As long as the photos are actually you, it’s not dishonest.”

“As long as the photos are actually you, it’s not dishonest.” —psychotherapist Maggie Vaughan, PhD

Furthermore, Dr. Vaughan contends that all dating profiles are just a small slice of a whole person. Showcasing any part of that whole—whether it’s the part with bedhead and a stained shirt or otherwise—is just fine. “All profiles are a manipulation designed to attract a potential mate,” Dr. Vaughan says. “If you’re merely presenting yourself in a particular light, that’s to be expected.”

But, while Quinn agrees reverse catfishing isn’t necessarily a red flag, she wouldn’t recommend folks definitely try it, as it could be a turn off to potential matches. “Authenticity often scores people the best and most compatible, matches,” she says, and even though sharing a not-great photo of yourself isn’t lying, doing so with the intention to manipulate the way someone may receive you isn’t reflective of being totally straightforward. It can be viewed as akin to kicking off a relationship with a test.

Handling unwanted attention on dating apps

According to Lydia Kociuba, an online-dating expert who helps people write their profiles, it’s key to remember that no matter who reaches out to you or why, you aren’t required to respond to anyone. “You can’t control who reaches out to you, but you can control how you react to them,” Kociuba says. “You can just move on from them.”

Quinn agrees that most daters are bound to get unwanted attention on apps—or attention from people who have different relationship goals. Because ultimately, neither photos nor a well-written profile will protect from meeting incompatible matches. “Just like if you walk into a busy bar, the attention you receive on dating apps may be a mixed bag.”

With that in mind, Kociuba says writing a profile that will attract the right mate is more important than using a good or bad photo. “The biggest thing people miss when writing their profiles is talking about things that they value; naming the things that they’re super passionate about and not just saying, ‘I like to go hiking.’ Why do you like to go hiking? Why do you like to go to the beach?” she says. “People forget to put the meaning and the passion behind what they like to do.”

Furthermore, it can be helpful to have a goal in mind and to put it out there, Kociuba adds. “When I write profiles, I basically say something like, ‘I’m looking for the right person for me.’ So that way, it leaves you open to explore possibilities, but it also exemplifies the fact that you’re serious about this and you want to find the right person. You want something genuine and long-lasting out of this experience,” Kociuba says.

Even so, there’s no surefire dating solution—including reverse catfishing—that’ll guarantee you find your mate. After her date with the Robert Pattinson–doppelgänger, Stephanie said she wasn’t planning on a second one. The date was fine but she didn’t think he was “the one” and the feeling, she said, was clearly mutual. He just wasn’t right for her.

So while reverse catfishing didn’t hurt in this case, it didn’t help, either. Sometimes, finding someone who’s genuinely interested in your personality isn’t enough for a match, but Kociuba says that’s no reason to get discouraged. “Just do the best you can,” she says. “Create the best profile that you can with information that is true and good. From there, it’s about human nature. Have conversations and see what happens.”

This isn’t a new concept, by any means—people in poly and non-monogamous relationships have been talking about it online for years. But the term might be a helpful framework for those interested in exploring having multiple partners who have never done so before. Here’s what you need to know.

What is an anchor partner?

As it turns out, an “anchor partner” is what you might guess: a central partner to lean on, but not necessarily the only partner you have. “Usually, this looks similar to what people think of a partnership in a monogamous relationship—just not monogamous,” says Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, a relationship therapist in a polyamorous relationship.

Anchor partners aren’t one-size-fits-all. To start, anchor partners can exist in hierarchical polyamorous relationships (where one relationship is more important to a person than their others) and non-hierarchical ones (where all partnerships are equally important), Wright shares. “In both cases, it’s a partner who is an ‘anchor’ in one’s life—the main character aside from self, one could say,” she says. “In hierarchical non-monogamy, this is almost synonymous with the term ‘primary partner.’ In non-hierarchical non-monogamy, this is used as the equivalent of a primary partner.”

While someone can be married to their anchor partner, marriage isn’t a requirement per se. Neither is living together. “The anchor partner can be the ‘nesting partner,’ or a roommate or a spouse, but does not necessarily have to be,” says Tammy Nelson, PhD, a sex and relationships therapist and author who’s studied polyamory.

You can also have more than one anchor partner, if you want. Roy Graff, a relationship and life coach, has two. “Being with two partners for the past four years is something that just happened; I did not plan for it, but I knew that I don’t believe in a formal hierarchy that prioritizes one partner over others.”

How to know if having an anchor partner is right for you

If you’re new to this term or haven’t had this kind of relationship before, you may wonder if it’s something you’d like—maybe even more than the relationship structure you’re in now.

Wright believes it all comes down to preference and how you’re wired. “Some folks feel more secure by having an anchor partner, someone they share life with,” she says, “while some prefer solo non-monogamy/polyamory where the anchor partner is themselves.”

It’s also a good idea to consider the big picture of what you want your life to look like. “Not everyone has a primary relationship or needs or wants a central person, and may prefer a non-hierarchical structure to their non-monogamy,” Dr. Nelson says. “Yet, they may also want to have someone involved in their daily life, with whom they have a strong emotional bond and a potential future.”

Amy Norton, a polyamorous woman in her 30s, has an anchor partner, and here’s why: “I’ve always valued long-term, committed relationships and knew I wanted someone who would be ‘my person’ through thick and thin,” she says. “We live together and are building a life together—sharing finances, making big decisions together, co-parenting our pets, all those normal day-to-day things.”

Graff says your attachment style may also play a role in whether or not you’d want an anchor partner. For example, polyamorous people who have an insecure attachment style (meaning that they’re often codependent and fear abandonment) may prefer having an anchor partner. You may want a sense of emotional safety from a partner, or you may prefer it or be okay with it coming from another person. “An anchor does not have to be a romantic and/or sexual partner; they can also be a friend or family member,” Graff adds.

Rae Michaelson, a mental health and mindset coach, finds comfort in the emotional intimacy and safety her anchor brings. “For us, the anchor is our safe person, the one who is always there no matter what,” she says. “We are together more often than not, and we share love with each other, and we make sure that the extra partners are treating the other person with the respect and love they deserve.”

Your experience will also look different from someone else’s depending on your current and past relationship statuses. “If you’re most used to monogamous relationships, it’s going to feel a lot more familiar to have an anchor partner and have the two of you go off and explore from that home base,” Wright says. “If you’re in an existing monogamous relationship and want to ‘open it’ to non-monogamy, you inherently have an anchor partner. And if you’re starting from a place of being single, you get to decide if you want to look for someone to be your anchor partner or try out solo non-monogamy/polyamory.”

While understanding what having an anchor partner entails can be a great starting point, try to not let yourself be confined by definitions, labels, and boxes. Ultimately, the point is to have a relationship that’s meaningful and positive for you and your partner(s)—and what that looks like may change over time.

“We each create our own types of monogamy, open to everything or traditional and closed, depending on what works for us, at different times in our lives,” Dr. Nelson says. “It’s never helpful to compare ourselves or to try and fit into pre-defined containers. What matters is that you find what works for you.”