1. Failure to follow the law or social norms
2. Repeated lying or deceitfulness
3. Impulsivity
4. Aggression and irritability
5. Disregard for their own safety or that of others
6. Consistently irresponsible
7. Lack of remorse for hurting or mistreating others.

However, that doesn’t mean that the other 24 fish-holding, selfie-taking cuties who cross your screen are all paragons of empathy and respect. Some of these folks may not have antisocial personality disorder, but still display sociopathic tendencies. After all, “an individual must meet three or more of the [above] criteria for antisocial personality disorder in order to receive a diagnosis,” explains psychotherapist Courtney Glashow, LCSW, founder of Anchor Therapy LLC. Thus, it’s possible for someone to consistently have a few sociopathic traits without having the diagnosable condition. Someone with sociopathic tendencies might, for instance, lack empathy for others, but still be a law-abiding, job-holding individual, she says.

Dating folks who have any number of these traits can be quite painful. And healing from the wounds they leave in their wake requires self-compassion, as well as a sound support system. Ahead, learn more about why dating someone with sociopathic tendencies can be so disorienting, and how to recover from dating a sociopath (or someone with those traits) after calling it quits.

Why dating someone with sociopathic tendencies can be disorienting

Experts say it is common for people with sociopathic tendencies to use a number of manipulation tactics to wrap people—particularly lovers and romantic partners—around their fingers.

In the beginning, sociopaths and people with those traits commonly use mirroring (mimicking or matching someone else’s verbal cues and body language) or love bombing (employing over-the-top affection, flattery, gifts, and attention) to make you feel instantly connected to them, says Naiylah Warren, LMFT, therapist and clinical content manager at Real. “In romantic connections, it can be hard to distinguish between performative intimacy—such as the intimacy created by those who love bomb or mirror—and genuine intimacy,” she says. As a result, these tactics are unfortunately effective at making someone feel like they’ve met their soul mate.

“It is common for people with sociopathic tendencies to gaslight that the issue is made up in your head, or that your emotions are not grounded in reality.” —Courtney Glashow, LCSW

Later on in the relationship, someone with sociopathic tendencies might gaslight you when conflict arises. “It is common for these people to gaslight that the issue is made up in your head, or that your emotions are not grounded in reality,” says Glashow. The intent of a person with sociopathic tendencies here, she says, isn’t to resolve whatever conflict has arisen or to soothe your emotions, but rather to control their partner. As you might guess, “over time, these tactics make you doubt your own feelings, instincts, and ultimately your view of reality,” Warren says.

Signs it’s time to reconsider the relationship

A relationship with someone with sociopathic tendencies is likely not a healthy one, according to Glashow. Healthy relationships, she says, are marked by mutual empathy, respect, and open communication. These are things that many people with sociopathic tendencies are not able to provide.

As a result, “these relationships often end up feeling one-sided, and result in the person without these tendencies being manipulated,” she says. In extreme situations, the person with sociopathic tendencies may abuse their partner. “If you are dating someone with these tendencies, it is very likely that you experienced emotional abuse at some point in that relationship,” adds Glashow.

As much as you may love this individual, you probably need to leave this relationship, she says, adding that in order for this person to change their sociopathic ways, they would need to get professional help to gain some empathy.

“There is no right or wrong way to get out of a relationship with someone with sociopathic tendencies,” says Glashow. But, she suggests consulting a licensed mental-health therapist who can help you come up with a break-up plan based on your current financial and housing situation, as well as the particularities of your partner. Likely, your plan will involve going no-contact, a whole lot of self care, learning how to trust again, and leaning on your support system. (More on these things below).

How to recover from dating someone with sociopathic tendencies

Yes, dating someone with sociopathic tendencies can be incredibly disorienting. But trust, you won’t feel disconnected from reality forever. These strategies can help.

1. Seek therapy if you’re able

If you’ve been in a relationship with someone who has exhibited sociopathic tendencies and haven’t already reached out to a mental health provider, consider doing so ASAP, suggests Glashow. You’d ideally find a provider who specializes in relationships, trauma, grief, and domestic violence, says Glashow.

“The right provider will be able to validate your experience, teach you how to cope with the psychological impact of the relationship, and help you rebuild both trust in others as well as trust in yourself,” Warren says.

This provider will, for example, remind you (as often as you need to be reminded) that it is not your fault that you fell for that person’s shenanigans. Nor is it any family members’ or friends’ fault that they didn’t see this coming. After all, people with sociopathic tendencies are savants of manipulation.

2. Lean on your support system

Being romantically and/or sexually entangled with someone with sociopathic tendencies can make you feel like you’re living on another planet. Warren says talking to and leaning on the people in your life who don’t have these tendencies can help bring you back to reality. These are the people who have repeatedly proven to be steady, compassionate fixtures, she says.

In addition to helping you learn how to trust again, “your support system [helps] you rebuild the parts of your life that might have been affected by this relationship,” she says. For instance, if you were living with this individual, healing from the relationship will require a relocation. Your support system will be able to put you up for a few days, weeks, or months—or simply help you haul boxes of stuff from your old place to a new one.

3. Connect with others who have been in the same boat

Sadly, you are not the first person who has experienced hurt at the hands of someone with sociopathic tendencies. After having your entire reality called into question, Glashow says finding others through social media who have experienced what you have can be both stabilizing and soothing to have it reiterated that you’re not the only person who has ever gone through this devastation.

It can also re-instill hope, she says. “Likely, you will find someone was able to get out of this type of relationship and grow into an even better person after getting out of the relationship.”

4. Educate yourself

“Reading about a topic can always be helpful,” says Glashow. And that stands when the topic is sociopathic tendencies and antisocial personality disorder.

Educating yourself about sociopathic tendencies and antisocial personality disorder, “can validate what you are going through,” she says. “It can help you understand that they need professional help, it’s not your fault, and it also not on you to change them.”

This article is a great place to start! Other popular books on the topic include: The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, Confessions of A Sociopath by M.E Thomas, and The Sociopath at The Breakfast Table by Dr. Jane McGregor.

It’s a hot-button topic, too. The ultimate problem: Who is “allowed” to consider themselves “midsize”? As Sole-Smith writes, many creators are claiming the label just because they aren’t a size 2, and they refuse to hear criticism from people who live in larger bodies about the harm.

Before we dive in, it’s important to note this is a complicated topic. “Not every fat person thinks alike, of course,” wrote Sole-Smith in her new book, Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture. “We each bring our own context, our own set of privileges or other intersecting identities, and our own unique experiences of our bodies and the world’s treatment of those bodies.”

Keeping that in mind, here’s what different experts and self-described midsize people have to say about this controversial label.

The definition of “midsize” differs based on who you talk to

As mentioned, people have different definitions of what being “midsize” looks like. While The New York Times reported that the modeling industry says anyone above size 2 is midsize, various other people and outlets say the range is more like sizes 10 to 16.

When we all have different perceptions, it’s nearly impossible to say there’s one real definition. So how might an expert describe it generally? “‘Midsize’ is describing a group of folks who simply don’t experience the stigma or limitations in navigating the world that fat folks do, but are carving out a space to highlight their body image concerns and feelings of inadequacy compared to the thin ideal,” says Meredith Nisbet, MS, LMFT, the national clinical response manager at Eating Recovery Center.

These individuals may feel excluded from people in larger and smaller bodies. “Throughout my entire life, I have always had to look for larger sizes in stores and socially not be seen as ‘skinny’ by my peers,” says Brianna Sheridan, LPCC, a regional clinical director with Thriveworks in Cleveland who specializes in life transitions, stress, coping skills, women’s issues, and self-esteem. “However, many of my larger-bodied friends and associates make a point to say and share that because I am not as large as them, I cannot fully belong to the large ‘fat’-bodied group.”

The tricky problem with having no real definition is when use of the descriptor “midsize” gets out of hand. “Smaller and smaller folks have identified with this term on social media and use it to refer to being larger than the cultural ideal of thinness, but also not fat,” says Heather Clark, a licensed counselor and the clinical director at Rock Recovery. People may see that in TikTok videos, for example, and feel upset that the creator is (in a way) claiming to not have privilege when they do.

Another point Sole-Smith makes in her upcoming book is possibly the most important one in this discussion: “It’s never our job to label other people, and especially not people who live in bigger bodies than we do.” Nisbet adds that focusing more on image perception, or how people feel, than tangible difficulties, is “further marginalizing the already-marginalized.”

Sheridan has witnessed this among friends. “I often hear them throw shade at plus-size models (that are “midsized”) as not being body affirming enough as representation in media, etc., for larger body populations,” she says. She compares it to seeing more representation of people of color, but typically only ones who are light-skinned.

How the ‘midsize’ conversation can be problematic

This conversation revolves largely around numbers, from weights to measurements to clothing sizes—and that doesn’t help. According to the National Eating Disorders Association, sharing these types of personal metrics can be harmful, potentially triggering people with eating disorders to relapse or invalidate their experience. It’s also just generally fruitless. “Sharing weights/sizes and arguing about size categories is really unhelpful because it’s so nuanced and because there is significant privilege and marginalization at stake in these conversations,” Nisbet says.

We must also ask the critical question of why someone is posting those details in the first place. “Is it for validation? To have someone say something nice? To receive a different response from what is experienced in person?” says Wendy Schofer, MD, a board-certified pediatrician. Again, it comes down to moralizing body sizes, not giving actually helpful information. “When we are posting and labeling strictly by weight, we don’t understand a thing about the health of the person,” she adds.

Plus, have you ever noticed how people who carry weight in their stomach are seen differently from people who carry weight in their thighs, hips, or butt? I’ve heard people who identify as the latter be referred to as “thick” (which has positive connotations) whereas people who identify as the former are described as “chubby” or “fat” (said in a negative way). This could be because thighs, hips, and butts are sexualized, especially for people assigned female at birth. This issue pops up in clothing stores, too, as many plus-size items are made for hourglass-shaped bodies. This is rooted in the fact that we still live in a society where diverse bodies aren’t celebrated or respected.

Why the term ‘midsize’ may be hurtful to some

To some degree, whether or not you consider yourself to be “midsize” comes down to the difference between how you feel and what you experience, as Nisbet mentioned above. And that, like many other aspects, is tricky, considering the wide range of experiences people can have. This emphasizes how the term “midsize” can be hurtful.

“I think it’s important to highlight again here that this is based on a feeling—not feeling good enough or thin enough—and not on actual difficulty navigating the world in their body,” Nisbet says. “This alignment with the thin ideal pushes fat folks even further down the spectrum of body size and will only lead to increased stigma experienced by folks in larger bodies.” So in some ways, “midsize” can be hurtful as it centers the narrative on people who aren’t facing discrimination, aka not people in larger bodies and distracts our society from fighting for body liberation.

Can ‘midsize’ people still have ‘thin privilege’?

ICYMI, thin privilege refers to the unearned advantages people of a smaller size have.) And Sheridan, who considers herself to fall into this category, says yes, someone who is “midsize” or at least “not thin,” can still benefit from the privileges afforded smaller-bodied people. “I definitely have experienced skinny privilege in the clothing that I can find, the ease at finding jobs or being socially accepted in public, the seats that allow me to sit, the airplane seat prices that don’t get increased because I need a special seat or belt expander, the medical field providers not lecturing me based on my habits, etc.,” she says. “There is no doubt ‘privilege’ in having bodies that society designs and caters to. However, no one looking at me would ever call me ‘skinny.’”

We also have to ask this: Are people using the term “midsize” to avoid being called fat?

“The term has been somewhat co-opted by folks who wear sizes 8 to 14 to distance themselves both from fatness, and from their own thin privilege, by refusing to identify with thinness,” Clark adds. While “fat” isn’t a bad word, many people still judge and discriminate against people who are fat—which is why that urge to distance is understandable. However, the true point is to address fatphobia in ourselves and in our society so people of all bodies can be at peace.

Ultimately, there’s a lot of gray area. On one hand, the term “midsize” divides us further, taking us away from the true point: celebrating body diversity (and not putting so much focus on body size). Sheridan agrees: “I feel calling bodies like my own as ‘midsize’ is just another way to say us versus them.” Otherwise, she says, we’re causing “those of us ‘passing’ as midsized bodies to be alienated against and not find solidarity with any group, but still having a larger body and experiencing similar, if not the same, pain points.”

But on the note of the latter, the word “midsize” can be helpful in that it draws attention to the specific issues people in that size range face despite their thin privilege. “At long last, there is much-needed attention on this body type that has been previously overlooked,” says Marian Kwei, a celebrity stylist, editor-at-large, and creative consultant. “The midsize sector has nothing being tailored to them; clothing available to them has never been given pre-thought or any specialization.”

Where do we go next?

With many various (and valid!) viewpoints, it’s hard to have a definitive, “right” opinion. Given that, how can we navigate the conversation in a helpful way with loved ones? Nisbet suggests flipping the script, being objective, and considering the circumstances.

“It’s difficult for the person who’s straight-size, but the largest person in their family, to understand they still receive and benefit from thin privilege in the general world,” she explains. “However, if we base body size categorization on how easy or difficult it is for us to navigate the world or access different things, there’s a tangible divide that highlights the privilege and marginalization folks experience.”

“At the end of the day, I wish we, as a society, would stop playing this game and recognize the more we can all accept each other regardless of size, the better,”—Brianna Sheridan, LPCC

She acknowledges how this can be easier said than done. “It is an uphill battle to argue someone’s identity with them,” she adds. “We all exist in our own individual context and systems, and therefore our image of ourselves isn’t always easily understood by others.”

Sheridan urges continuing to fight for inclusivity. “At the end of the day, I wish we, as a society, would stop playing this game and recognize the more we can all accept each other regardless of size, the better,” she says. This could look like making airplane seat belts longer so extenders aren’t needed, creating more fashionable options for people of all sizes (that are also affordable!), and educating family and doctors about anti-fat bias, to start. “We do not realize that the person on the other side of the screen is not the problem, per se. It’s the society that envelops our day-to-day that tells us that beauty and our bodies are not good enough.”

In The Fat Studies Reader, fat activist Marilyn Wann says it well: “If we imagine that the conflict is between fat and thin, weight prejudice continues. Instead, the conflict is between all of us against a system that would weigh our value as people.”

TL;DR: Be open to having critical conversations (and maybe even changing your mind) about the term “midsize,” acknowledging the gray area and respecting people’s lived experiences—especially if it includes oppression. Lastly, continue the hard fight of body liberation for all.

Researchers who recently published findings of two studies from the peer-reviewed journal Aging and Mental Health challenge this stereotype with data. According to the research conducted in each of these studies, learning new things as you age is great for your health—especially when it comes to your brain.

The studies conducted with adults over the age of 55 found that those who engaged in learning multiple skills simultaneously—such as learning a new language, photography, and how to use an iPad—showed significant improvement in cognitive functioning. (The approach was to select activities that cater to diverse interests and hold practical value in daily life.)

Those who engaged in learning multiple skills simultaneously—such as learning a new language, photography, and how to use an iPad—showed significant improvement in cognitive functioning.

What’s more, the results specifically showed that learning multiple new things at once led to higher cognitive scores three, six, and 12 months after the study had taken place. Meaning participants showed lasting improvement up to an entire year later. And get this: They scored cognitively similar to undergraduate college students who similarly been absorbing high amounts of information simultaneously.

How learning impacts brain health as you age

“Neuroplasticity, the capacity of the human brain to adapt and learn new skills, remains an essential factor in promoting cognitive resilience and maintaining overall cognitive well-being throughout one’s life,” says Elisabeth Bahr, OTD, MS, OTR, a doctor of occupational therapy. Learning new skills simultaneously creates new neural pathways in the brain, so it makes sense that it would engage more parts of your brain than going about life as usual.

According to Dr. Bahr, when you think about learning multiple things at once, you also have to use parts of your brain that structure your time, remember items that you need, plan where and when you need to be, organize your memory of each subject, and build upon that knowledge. “The study focused on executive function, which encompasses working memory and cognitive control, and verbal episodic memory, both of which can be impacted by the natural aging process,” she says. The fact that older adults scored cognitively similarly to undergraduate students is promising, especially when considering the cognitive challenges older folks can face with age.

Dr. Bahr adds that there are a lot of encouraging details about this (albeit small) study, and that those interested in optimizing their brain functioning as they age by engaging in new activities might considering seeking guidance from an occupational therapist. They’re professionals in helping people participate, regain, or strategize accommodations they might need to incorporate into their lifestyle after an injury or to cope with an existing disability.

What to know before diving ‘head first’

Some folks may need to proceed with caution when it comes to pursuing rehabilitative activities or cognitively engaging activities. Namely, it’s important to have clearance from a care provider if you or a loved one is thinking about engaging in something similar and there is any injury, traumatic brain injury, cognitive condition, or other extenuating circumstance that could worsen as a result of increased exertion of mind or body.

It can also be emotionally challenging to embark on a journey of learning new things—and frustration can get in the way of committing to a practice long-term. Getting a good night’s sleep after an intensive learning experience can help the brain commit the lesson or experience to memory better than without quality sleep. “It’s important to prioritize shuteye following intensive learning sessions, as this enhances memory retention and the consolidation of new information,” says Dr. Bahr.

Sometimes it can feel silly to get super into a new hobby, or a few—but this research suggests there’s merit to retaining curiosity and a desire to learn new things. This is your sign to consider taking that extra trip to the art supply store or finally trying out water aerobics. A healthy brain loves having fun, after all.

This study, which was conducted by researchers from the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP), adds to the mountain of evidence about the impacts of positive parental/child relationships on our lives. It found that the participants who reported higher levels of communication, warmth, academic expectations, time spent together, relationship or communication satisfaction, and inductive discipline (i.e. positive reinforcement and natural consequences) with both their parents also reported having much higher levels of general health than those who rated these relationships low.

The study was conducted over a period of 14 years and involved more than 15,000 adults. They filled out questionnaires about their relationships with their primary caregivers when they were between 12 and 17 years-old. When these same people were between 24 and 32 years old, they self-reported their current levels of depression, optimism, stress, substance abuse, nicotine dependence, and other measures of general health. The study also found lower levels of unexpected pregnancy among the people who reported positive relationships with their parents.

You may be thinking back to your teenage years and shuddering in embarrassment, but you did a lot of growing during that period. The study examined this chapter of life because “there is stunning physical growth, remarkable brain maturation, and so many tremendous new opportunities for learning about the world and how to function in it” when people are between 10 and 20 years-old, says Carol A. Ford, MD, chief of the Craig-Dalsimer Division of Adolescent Medicine at CHOP and lead researcher of the study. “Young people are developing emotional maturity and making decisions and choices about behaviors that can influence lifelong trajectories of health,” she adds.

Dr. Ford and her colleagues looked at people who functioned in parental roles as well, not just mothers and fathers. (Dr. Ford says 75 percent of the participants were at home with their biological parents and 25 percent were not.) What mattered wasn’t necessarily the biological relationships, but rather the consistent love, support, role modeling, and guidance people received (or didn’t) from the people who fulfilled the roles of their primary caregivers. These “strong relationships with grandparents, adoptive parents, or other adults functioning as parents in the home are important and helpful,” Dr. Ford adds.

But what if healthy parent-adolescent bonding wasn’t your reality?

If you grew up in a home with tough family dynamics and a difficult relationship with your parents, don’t fret because Dr. Ford says that the findings do not in any way mean that people with poor parental relationships are destined for poor health outcomes down the road—just that teens who didn’t have these positive bonds require extra support.

Dr. Ford points out that community interventions and the presence of other adults like extended family members or other trusted adults in the community like schools, after-school programs, sports, and churches can also positively impact teens and their health in real time, as well as in the future.

“Sometimes there are other adults who really step up to help, and it is important to appreciate their roles,” she says. She also points out that adults who have been able to “successfully navigate challenging times during their adolescence are sometimes exceptionally understanding of adolescent hardships and choose to help other young people on their journey.”

“Even those who experience significant childhood trauma can—with appropriate support and perseverance—create new patterns that lead to better mental and physical health in the short and long-term.”—Carla Marie Manly, PhD, clinical psychologist

This extra support can also help adults, too. With work and support, it’s possible to mend wounds from difficult family dynamics. Carla Marie Manly, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Joy From Fear, focuses much of her work on healing from past traumas, including difficult childhoods, and says that she’s seen many people do so.

“Although negative childhood environments and a lack of connective parenting certainly take their toll, humans have the capacity to be incredibly resilient,” Dr. Manly says. “Even those who experience significant childhood trauma can—with appropriate support and perseverance—create new patterns that lead to better mental and physical health in the short and long-term.” She says that it’s possible to create positive patterns and behaviors in the brain that promote better overall health, physically and mentally, and recommends working with a therapist to begin.

How to get support to heal from tough family dynamics as an adult

Healing as an adult from trauma you experienced as an adolescent or teen takes work, but is possible with help and guidance. Kara Kays, LMFT, regional clinic director at Thriveworks, emphasizes that while it’s important to think about the past, what really matters is focusing on the future. “We are the creators of our own experience, so if you’re looking at childhood and adolescence what’s really important for decreasing the risk now is taking care of yourself,” she says.

What does that look like? Therapy, including inner child and inner teen work, can help. According to Dr. Manly, parenting-related childhood wounds that are “mild or moderate” can heal over time through a combination of healing processes like journaling, mindful self-reflection, and forgiveness. She also says reading self-help books can help, too. Kays suggests working on self-awareness and emotional regulation skills to decrease the risk of childhood trauma haunting you later in your life.

However, Dr. Manly says psychotherapy is a better fit for those working through deeper, more-intense trauma related to their childhoods. “In my clinical practice, I find that an attachment-based method blended with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) can work wonders for healing childhood wounds,” she says. “As an EMDR clinician, I also find this a very helpful approach when trauma has occurred.”

If you grew up with difficult family dynamics, Dr. Manly emphasizes that it’s not your fault and that you should not blame yourself because the kind of home you grew up in is beyond your control. However, you do have some degree of control of the future. “We can’t change the past, but we certainly have the power to change our inner and outer worlds to foster health, well-being, and joy,” she says.

Dr. Ho is the author of Stop Self-Sabotage: Six Steps to Unlock Your True Motivation, Harness Your Willpower, and Get Out of Your Own Way, and her quiz is a series of 20 questions designed to pinpoint one of four specific factors, or elements, that fuel self-sabotaging behaviors. She says that she created the quiz to serve as a jumping off point for the ideas explored in her book because in her years of clinical practice, she’s found that self-sabotage is a widespread issue that often goes unresolved—even if people are able to spot the signs of self-sabotage, which can impede personal growth.

“When we look at how people talk about self-sabotage, oftentimes they’ll just say, ‘Yeah, I sabotaged that,’ and they’ll just kind of move on and there’s no solution,” says Dr. Ho. The point of the quiz is to identify which of the four self-sabotage drivers someone may have in order to guide them toward solutions to help stop the behavior in its tracks.

The 4 ‘L.I.F.E.’ factors that may be getting in your way and contributing to self-sabotage

1. Low or shaky self-esteem

Oftentimes when we have a lower belief in ourselves to achieve positive outcomes in a specific area of our life it will lead to certain self-fulfilling prophecies,” Dr. Ho explains. “You may not even commit to goals at all, and when you do, you have less belief that you’re able to accomplish what you set out to do,” she says.

This feeling of low self-esteem isn’t necessarily evenly distributed across all realms of someone’s life, though. For example, Dr. Ho says someone who is very successful and confident at work may suffer from low or shaky self-esteem when it comes to their romantic life.

2. Internalized beliefs

According to Dr. Ho, the people who have this driver have adopted and internalized the same fears, beliefs, and insecurities as the adults they grew up around. This may happen through watching adults model behavior or being told by others what to fear. “If one of your parents was seemingly anxious about different types of risk-taking and always worried about what could happen, you may find that as an adult you adopt that very cautious mentality and pull back from dreaming bigger or putting yourself out there,” she says.

This can manifest as intense self-criticism and judgement, and may prevent someone from trying new things. Another component of this L.I.F.E. factor to watch for is negative self talk, which Dr. Ho says can fuel self-sabotage. For example, you may tell yourself that you don’t have the skills and drive to accomplish a goal because judgmental adults made you think you couldn’t. If you hear this enough times from yourself and others, you may come to believe it.

3. Fear of change or the unknown

While change can be difficult for anyone, the people who have this as their self-sabotage trigger are especially unmoored by it. They may find comfort and calm in sticking to a routine, and any unexpected pivots have the potential to toss them off track. To prevent this, they may avoid making any changes by sticking to the same habits, places, and patterns—even if the familiar isn’t going that well. According to Dr. Ho, this behavior is self-limiting because it can prevent someone from engaging in something potentially positive and rewarding because they’re scared.

4. Excessive need for control

Dr. Ho says this self-sabotaging cause often plagues people who identify as Type A personalities or perfectionists. The traits that make someone a go-getter, like being ambitious, organized, and motivated, can be great for accomplishing a lot in life, for example if you want to advance at work. However, these same traits can act as a double-edged sword, Dr. Ho says, because they can hold someone back from trying if they aren’t certain they’ll be successful and can’t guarantee their desired outcome.

This excessive need for control can be self-sabotaging and limiting. “When there is a situation where you can’t control everything or see all of the steps in advance, it may actually cause you to self-sabotage because you’re not able to let go, delegate, or understand that certain things are worthwhile even if you can’t control everything,” she explains. One way this could manifest is not advancing or taking risks in romantic relationships because you can’t control the outcome and risk rejection.

Why and how to stop self-sabotaging behaviors

Unchecked, Dr. Ho says self-sabotaging behavior can make it difficult to accomplish your goals and move through the world with confidence—it can even contribute to a number of mental and physical health conditions, and can make it tougher to build and maintain social connections.

And because it’s happening in the background, or subconsciously, self-sabotage can be tough to recognize. But Dr. Ho emphasizes that it’s important to identify and surface these triggers so they don’t become repetitive. And while thinking about all the ways you harm yourself sounds stressful and upsetting, self-reflection is key to stop doing it.

“It’s like the monster under the bed when you’re five years old: It’s scary when you don’t look, but then it’s like, there is no monster,” she says. “When we actually do the deeper work and follow up on self-assessment and go toward change, it’s never as bad as you think it is.”

“It’s like the monster under the bed when you’re five years old: It’s scary when you don’t look, but then it’s like, there is no monster.”—Judy Ho, PhD, neuropsychologist and author

You can use the results of the quiz as a beginning of your exploration. Dr. Ho says it’s important to “de-stigmatize” the idea of self-sabotage so it no longer lingers in the background. One way to do that is to chat with a trusted friend or loved one about it. Also, she advises being on the lookout during times of particular stress or major change, because that’s when these thought patterns creep up most. Another way is to use guided tools, like the ones available on Dr. Ho’s website, to work through these issues on your own.

And remember that building new habits takes time. Dr. Ho advises trying this out for at least one month before giving up.

Thanks to diet culture, societal expectations around gender, and more, many people struggle with comparison and discomfort around food. As someone who’s experienced this, I’ve personally found some of Rini Frey’s Instagram posts encouraging, where she reminds people that it’s okay to eat the same meal as your partner, more than your partner, and what and however much you want. (In short, it’s not as heavy as it may feel.)

This situation can still bring up anxiety, however, which is totally understandable. And here’s another bummer: Even if you’re allowing yourself to eat as much as you want, you may still be dealing with mental restriction, which can hurt your relationship with food. So how can you win? Below, experts explain the normalcy and reasons behind your unease, as well as what can help you worry less about food so you can enjoy experience of eating more.

Why eating more may make you feel uncomfortable

You may be reluctant to (or feel awkward about) eating more than your partner for a variety of reasons, one of which includes a history of similar feelings. “Individuals who struggle with body image, disordered/unhealthy eating patterns, and/or have clinically diagnosed eating disorders often find themselves comparing their own body shape and weight to others,” says Stephanie Carlyle, a licensed clinical professional counselor at Thriveworks in Baltimore, Maryland, who specializes in eating disorders, women’s issues, relationships, and stress. “Additionally, it is not uncommon for these individuals to compare what they eat to what others eat.”

If you haven’t dealt with that, another factor could be at play: societal expectations and stereotypes. “This also exists outside the gender binary: Being small is associated with femininity, and being big is associated with masculinity,” says Christine Byrne, MPH, RD, a Raleigh-based registered dietitian who specializes in eating disorders. “Because we so closely associate food intake with body size—even though body size is about so much more than what and how much you eat—there’s an expectation that women and femmes need less food than their male partners.”

This indoctrination of sorts starts early. Carlyle says it could be more covert, like your dad being served a larger portion than your mom at dinner. Or, it could be more direct, such as someone asking a girl if she’s “going to eat all that” while praising a boy for eating a lot because “it’ll make him big and strong.”

It’s also important to note that women who date women aren’t immune to this, either. “Unfortunately, women are often taught from the time of childhood that eating less is what females ‘should’ do,” Carlyle says. “We are socialized that this is the ‘feminine,’ ‘proper,’ or ‘right’ thing to do.” As a result, women may inadvertently trigger each other’s disordered behaviors by eating little or feeling like they’ll be judged for eating more or “a lot.”

All in all, diet culture and its many ideals are simply (and unfortunately) hard to avoid. “In diet culture, eating less is often seen as morally superior,” Byrne adds. “Of course that’s ridiculous, because we all need food.”

5 tips to ease discomfort about eating more than others

While many of the messages floating around can complicate your ability to eat intuitively with a partner (or anyone, for that matter), mindfulness and reminding yourself of key truths can help you get through the meal with more ease. Here’s what Carlyle and Byrne suggest:

1. Ask yourself if the thought is helpful

…Because if not, it’s probably not of any use. Basically, ask yourself why you’re having the thought, and if a “should” is involved. “When we are ‘shoulding’ on ourselves, that’s a good indicator that we need to take a moment to explore how that thought is serving us,” Carlyle says. “For example, if I’m out on a first date and I think, ‘Wow, that burger looks great, but I should probably get a salad instead.” It can be very healthy to ask ourselves the ‘why’ behind this.” If your “why” has to do with your date judging you, move to tip number two. (Also, if another person is making you feel bad about something as unimportant as what you want to eat, you deserve better! Just saying!)

2. Remind yourself that what you eat has nothing to do with your worth

As understandable as it is that many of us have conflated our self-esteem with our food intake—thanks again, diet culture—remember that the two couldn’t be more unrelated. “How much you eat has absolutely no bearing on your identity, your worth as a person, or the strength and quality of your relationship,” Byrne says. Just as you probably wouldn’t feel bad about going to the bathroom more than your partner, she adds, you don’t need to feel bad about eating more than them.

3. Focus on the experience (and remember your partner probably is, too)

When it comes down to it, going out on a date is about having fun with, and getting to know, the other person, right? Try to be mindful of those aspects. What are you learning about your partner? What are you enjoying? Carlyle says your partner is likely focused on that, too. The menu doesn’t need to be part of the equation (unless it’s about how tasty the dessert is!).

4. Consider talking to a therapist or anti-diet dietitian

While there’s a lot of work you can do on your own, working with a health provider can oftentimes provide extra support. “If you are struggling with these types of thoughts, it may be helpful to connect with a mental health professional to work on developing healthier thoughts, feelings, and behaviors,” Carlyle says. For more affordable therapists, you can check out the Open Path Collective database.

5. Remember that every body has different needs

Ultimately, your best bet in real time is to listen to your body. What does it need (and want)? “We all have different metabolisms, activity levels, hormone levels, health statuses, appetites, and more,” Byrne says. “If you’re trying to give your body what it needs and feel comfortably full after eating, the best way to gauge how much to eat is to listen to internal hunger and fullness cues, not external cues, like how much everyone else is eating.”

Carlyle agrees. “It is important to remember that if we all ate the exact same thing as one another all of the time, we would still likely have very different bodies than one another,” she says. “You cannot determine the nutrients that your body needs based on what someone else’s intake is.”

Then I was diagnosed with autism, which the the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) calls autism spectrum disorder (ASD). (For me , along with a number of other autistic people and advocates, the classification of “disorder” doesn’t resonate, as it adds a negative connotation to the condition.)

Finally, I began understanding why I experienced so many of my feelings and reactions: “Individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) are typically more prone to sensory overwhelm,” says Bonnie Ivers, PsyD, the clinical director at the Regional Center of Orange County, a nonprofit that secures services for people with developmental disabilities. “Their neurological systems are not developed in the same way as those without the condition of ASD.”

With this context of how my brain operates, I was better able to both give myself grace and practice self care that supports my specific needs as an autistic person. For example, because my nervous system is more sensitive than many people who are neurotypical, I’ve learned that I need more time to recharge by myself than I previously realized. This often means not answering texts or emails immediately. It also means physically stopping what I’m doing to breathe when an emotional meltdown is coming on. It means not judging myself when my ability to empathize shuts down. And it means understanding that I can’t skip meals or lose sleep and still feel fine, like so many others who aren’t autistic can.

After spending so long trying to operate in the ways a neurotypical person might, it’s been empowering to take charge of my mental health and give myself what I need as an autistic person.

Learning how to practice autism-supportive self care has been a process for me, given that self-care advice is often geared toward neurotypical people. To get clearer on the best ways to fill my own cup, take care of myself, and embrace my neurodiversity—and how other autistic folks might also practice effective self care—I spoke with autistic people and to mental-health professionals who work with the community.

7 effective ways to practice autism-supportive self care

1. Find a practice that helps you de-stress—and do it daily

Because of the sensory sensitivities autism can entail, it may be helpful to learn a practice you can do at any time to calm your nervous system and prevent overwhelm. Victoria Jones, a teacher in Texas, learned yoga from YouTube and now does it for 15 minutes every morning in her living room.

“Being autistic makes me prone to either melting down or shutting down when I’m extremely overwhelmed, so I use yoga to help manage my stress and cope with challenges.” —Victoria Jones, teacher

“Being autistic makes me prone to either melting down or shutting down when I’m extremely overwhelmed, so I use yoga to help manage my stress and cope with challenges,” says Jones. “The stretching makes my body feel amazing, and the deep-breathing techniques help to quiet my mind. When done at home, it’s an easy and inexpensive way to help cope with the stress of living in a neurotypical world.”

Marriage and family therapist Ariel Landrum, LMFT, adds that movement practices like dance and yoga “allow autistic individuals to develop a routine of setting aside time to regulate their bodies.” Mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing, and muscle relaxation can also be helpful ways for managing stress or anxiety, particularly when done as a preventative measure rather than a reactive one, says Dr. Ivers.

2. Keep calming items with you in tense moments

To handle working with a difficult co-worker, Jamie Evan Bichelman, a Boston-based mental-health counselor and disability-rights advocate, always keeps a glass of ice water with him. “Every time I felt severe anxiety and a meltdown approaching during my meetings with this person, I’d take a sip of the ice-cold water,” he says. “After the end of the meeting, I’d go to the sink and splash cold water on my face and neck.”

He also kept in his hand a small, silent fidget device—a pen or a magnetic toy small enough to go undetected and durable enough not to break if squeezed tightly. “There is something incredibly powerful and symbolic in tightening your hands into a fist, then passionately letting go,” says Bichelman, “It’s as if to remind yourself: This person does not have the power to induce anger in me.”

3. Spend time away from social media

Avoiding social media can certainly be helpful for anyone, but it’s especially impactful for the intersection of autism and practicing self care. With autism, encountering negative and potentially ableist words on their feeds can exacerbate an existing state of overwhelm or kick-start one.

“There is a remarkable amount of clarity that one begins to feel when they remove the things designed to upset and engage them on social media,” says Bichelman. “I simply cannot use Twitter without doomscrolling—or going down the rabbit hole and finding incendiary tweets that insult my very existence.” For Bichelman, that meant removing the app from his phone entirely. For others, it may mean setting up daily usage limits.

4. Set alarms beyond your morning wake-up

Because many people with autism have intense passions and interests, they can sometimes enter into a state of “hyperfocus,” where they lose awareness of important basic tasks like eating and sleeping, Landrum says. Research defines hyperfocus as the “intense mental concentration fixated on one thought pattern at a time to the exclusion of everything else, including one’s own feelings.”

“Many autistic clients have reported that the tool that has often allowed them to thrive is that of an alarm,” Landrum says—but not just as a wake-up call. Setting alarms to brush teeth, take a shower, and eat lunch are also helpful. As are task apps, like Habitica, which Landrum recommends for those who struggle to stick to their daily routines. By using these simple tools, she says, folks with ASD “do not miss essential activities of daily living and do not fall into hyperfocus.”

5. Learn to socialize on your own terms

“Our neurotypical world frequently emphasizes socializing and can really make people feel negatively if they prefer spending time by themselves,” says Daniel Marston, PhD, a psychologist specializing in autism. “Autism often carries with it a real preference for being alone. Taking many experiences to get comfortable with spending time alone is worth the effort and can really help someone with autism feel much better about their differences.”

Complete isolation isn’t healthy, either, though, for folks with autism aiming to practice self care. Some autistic people prefer one-on-one interactions to larger gatherings. For Emily Owen, an operations manager for an accessibility company in Wales, it’s easier for her to navigate social gatherings by bringing someone she’s close with and leaving time in her schedule to decompress after the event.

“A massive part of self care for me has been learning what my socializing limits are [as someone with autism], accepting them, and working with them, not against them.” —Emily Owen, operations manager

“I used to compare myself to other people and wonder why I would feel so drained when attempting to keep up with their levels of socializing,” she says. “A massive part of self care for me has been learning what my socializing limits are, accepting them, and working with them—not against them.”

Landrum agrees that to avoid emotional meltdowns and even cultivate a social routine that constitutes self care, it’s important to always includes breaks. “Every day should have time intentionally set aside to be with oneself,” she says. “A predictable schedule will help an autistic person feel regulated, but there will be days when unexpected things happen. Therefore, taking breaks will allow time to self-regulate and implement ways to adjust to the change in routine.”

6. Have a plan when overstimulation is unavoidable

Although it’s often most effective to remove yourself from an overstimulating situation, that’s not always possible. In those scenarios, it’s helpful to have a mantra or affirmation to distract yourself from sensory input, says Dr. Marston.

“This could be familiar lines from movies or just the person repeating to themselves, ‘This is okay. I can get through this,’” he says. “It takes some practice, but concentrating on this can be very helpful.”

Another way to cope in moments of unavoidable overwhelm is to bring your attention to your senses, which can help you ground yourself in the present moment. “Grounding methods, combined with continuous mindfulness practices help me maintain my calm center,” says Alexa Donnelly, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in autism. She recommends thinking about “five things I can see, four things I can touch, three things I can hear, two things I can smell, and one thing I can taste.”

7. Have compassion for yourself

If it feels difficult for you to function in certain settings, avoid blaming yourself and recognize that the world was not set up to accommodate those who are neurodiverse.

“The first thing I’ve cultivated is acceptance toward the upsetting realization that your family, close friends, or school counselors failed to adequately prepare you, accommodate you, or even remotely teach you lessons that would benefit you as an emerging adult,” says Bichelman. “They failed to do their job—they failed you—but that doesn’t mean you are a failure. Rather, you’re extraordinary for adapting to a world unkind, unaccommodating, untrained, uneducated, and unwilling to adapt to your needs.”

But while medication might be absolutely necessary for me, it’s not without some low-key side effects. Most symptoms of SSRIs aren’t all that challenging or noticeable, but one important one definitely is: Orgasms are harder to, ahem, come by.

Sexual side effects can vary, but the most common ones are lower libido and trouble climaxing. Nina Vasan, MD, MBA, chief medical officer at Real and founder and executive director of Brainstorm at Stanford University, says most of those side effects are because SSRIs increase serotonin. “Serotonin decreases orgasms and vaginal lubrication for women and erection and ejaculation for men,” Vasan says. “It also inhibits the production of nitric oxide, which is responsible for blood flow to sex organs during sexual response.”

As a 37-year-old single mom who is dating and, yes, sometimes having sex, I find not being able to orgasm while taking SSRIs the most inconvenient thing about them. I mean, if I don’t keep my brain healthy, I won’t be that much fun to share appetizers and witty banter with. But dating without orgasms feels like a really unfair trade-off.

A lot of people, given their SSRI has rendered them less interested in sex anyway, don’t worry about a lack of orgasms. More power to them. But I’m not willing to let this slip away from my life, especially as a divorced woman who only started having more consistent sex a few years ago! I still view it as a deeply important part of my overall health.

Ashleigh Renard, author, sex expert, and creator of the viral video series Keeping It Hot, agrees. She says that while it’s important for sex to never feel like “an obligatory act,” feeling fulfilled matters. “No one needs sex, but really wanting it and enjoying it can lead to a higher quality of life for many of us,” she says.

Renard also says that while transitioning onto medication, taking a break from sex can be beneficial, for the purpose of not adding any additional stress to the situation. While, at times, over the last five years, I had to focus purely on my mental health and not worry too much about my sex life, these days I have the bandwidth to prioritize both, so I am. Luckily, I’ve found there can be ways to still get down, even on brain medication.

5 ways to still have an orgasm while taking SSRIs

1. Practice on your own first

For a lot of people, having orgasms is easier when getting it on solo. While ideally, you’d like to be able to share that experience with a partner, knowing what you need to make it happen on your own after the introduction of medication, is really important. There’s no pressure to orgasm, so it may be easier to figure out what it takes. If you do, you’ll know that it’s not impossible, so you’ll be in a better headspace once you’re with a partner. Plus, you’ll be better equipped to tell them exactly what to do.

2. Emphasize the “warm up”

Renard suggests starting a relaxation routine about 30 to 60 minutes before sex to prepare for intimacy. “Take a bath. Light a candle. Listen to relaxing or feel-good music,” she says. “Many of my audience members love listening to erotic audio stories to help get them in the mood.” She recommends using the Dipsea app.

3. Ask about switching medications

If making changes to your medication is an option, lowering the dose or getting on a new drug that still does what it needs to for your mental health could alleviate the unwanted sexual side effects, Dr. Vasan says. Some SSRIs are less likely to interfere with the ability to climax, so talk to your doctor about what your options may be.

4. Use a vibrator

Sometimes, adding a little battery power can seriously get things moving in the right direction. Incorporating a vibrator, either for foreplay, or clitoral stimulation during sex, could have big gains.

Liz Tracy, a 43-year-old mom who has been on a handful of different SSRIs since she was a teenager, says that a vibrator has been key to her ability to climax. She recommends women “buy a high-quality vibrator” or even a few, “and experiment with them,” both on your own and with a partner.

5. Talk to your doctor about adding a new drug

If you’ve exhausted your options in the bedroom, and changing your medication altogether is not an option, adding a drug can have positive impacts. Dr. Vasan says that a low dose of Bupropion (aka Wellbutrin) is an option that she has personally seen “work well in some patients” who are not ready to kiss orgasms goodbye.

Remember, taking care of your brain is hard work, but it doesn’t have to mean giving up one of the best parts of your sex life.

Swift seems to be saying that inauthenticity and narcissism are two traits of her shadow self, or the aspects of the personality that are difficult for her to accept. “The concept of the shadow self was first introduced by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung,” holistic-business and mind-set coach Amina AlTai previously told Well+Good. “He believed, studied, and demonstrated that we all have dark sides of our personality that we hide in order to stay safe, lovable, and accepted by our communities, families, and society.”

But shedding light on your shadow and learning how it presents itself can help you feel more integrated and connected to yourself—you can do so by taking a simple shadow personality test that can kickstart the exploration of your shadow self, which according to experts, is a key part of who you are.

What is the shadow self?

The concept of the shadow self is about what’s underneath the persona we present to others. According to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of Joy From Fear, it’s all about what’s underneath the surface. “The shadow aspect tends to be the part we are not familiar with that we tend to repress,” she says. “It often holds the pieces of the self that are filled with shame, guilt, inferiority, and unlovability—all of those critical pieces that we like to keep away from the persona that is very ego-driven,” she says. Everyone has a shadow, and Dr. Manly says what’s important is to recognize your personal shadow traits and to draw them out into the light to work on healing and integrating them.

Often, things you judge others for being are your shadow traits, or emotions you don’t allow yourself to feel, like anger, for example, are elements you’ve put into your shadow because you believe revealing them to others would lead to disconnection or rejection.

So where do these shadow traits come from? According to licensed therapist Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, co-founder of Viva Wellness and author of The Shadow Work Workbook: Self-Care Exercises for Healing Your Trauma and Exploring Your Hidden Self, for many people the shadow self is a result of their past experiences. “For most people a lot of it is historical, and sometimes it can be a present manifestation of a shadow that has long roots in a person’s history,” he says.

There’s no specific list of shadow traits, because any emotion can be part of someone’s shadow self. However, it’s important to note that the specific emotions that comprise someone’s shadow self aren’t necessarily only negative ones. What determines someone’s shadow trait isn’t the presence of an emotion, but rather how it’s expressed, Dr. Manly says. For example, I took the quiz and got anger. While anger can manifest in negative and damaging ways, it’s not itself a negative emotion because it can also have useful, positive applications like keeping you safe by enforcing your boundaries. Whereas a negative expression of anger would be erupting at people unexpectedly or demeaning others.

Similarly, even seemingly positive traits can be part of the shadow self. Going back to the Taylor Swift example, altruism and volunteerism are generally considered positive qualities; however, if someone only does good deeds for others to get something in return, like monetary compensation or admiration or recognition, that would be a shadow manifestation of that quality that isn’t necessarily positive. “If you are really just giving for givings’ sake that is a light quality, but if you’re doing it to get something back from it that would be shadow,” Dr. Manly says.

And through doing shadow work, it’s possible to bring these emotions into the light (meaning become conscious of them) so they don’t cause harm in the background (your subconscious). This work isn’t instant and can happen over a lifetime. According to Caraballo, the idea of shadow work is to identify and work on these emotions to the point that “those things won’t be sort of working subconsciously in the background creating these internal conflicts that may manifest in troubles in our everyday lives.”

How to use quizzes and assessments to learn about your shadow self

While Dr. Manly says short shadow personality tests like this one are overly simple and not a useful tool for definitively learning about your shadow self, they can serve as a jumping off point to explore further. In a session with a clinical psychologist or therapist, a more rigorous analysis takes place that can allow someone to actually do the work of contending with their shadow self.

“It’s not easy to face these parts so it’s really important that people take their time even if they’re really excited or hopeful about what they can learn and work through.”—Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, therapist and author 

And while many people can benefit from doing shadow work, it’s important to note that there are some for whom this work won’t be realistic or possible. Because this involves considering what some people may find to be the worst parts of themselves, Caraballo says it’s important to delve into this when you’re not in psychological or mental crisis mode.

Especially coming out of the pandemic he’s noticed people wanting to engage with their emotions more deeply, but that the idea of uncovering something potentially unpleasant can be unnerving to some. He emphasizes the importance of taking your time doing shadow work and not rushing through, and only doing it when you have “really solid and consistent sources to help ground [you].”

When it comes to grounding, guided meditations may help, and Caraballo personally uses a token ritual to do this. (“It’s where you sort of imbue a small token with a certain psychic energy through meditation, and you use that as a grounding tool moving forward to help you feel safe as you navigate a difficult situation,” he says.) The key is to have the supports in place before you start. “It’s not easy to face these parts,” he says, “so it’s really important that people take their time even if they’re really excited or hopeful about what they can learn and work through.”

What is emotional stability?

The idea behind the Big Five personality model, created by psychologists Gerard Saucier and Lewis R. Goldberg, is that each person’s personality is a mix of various levels of five key facets: extraversion, emotional stability/neuroticism, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and openness to experience.

Within each trait, people who take the test can score high or low; for example, someone who scores high in the extraversion category is very outgoing and probably finds social interactions easy and nourishing, while someone with a low score is much more reserved. Someone who scores high on the conscientiousness portion is quite thoughtful and attentive, while someone with a low score in that category is much less so.

Emotional stability/neuroticism, the trait that was found to be most correlated with life satisfaction, refers to “the frequency and intensity of negative emotions like fear, anger, sadness, and anxiety,”says  Manon van Scheppingen, PhD, an assistant professor at Tilburg University and co-researcher on the study. So the more emotionally stable you are, the better able you are to handle these emotions, while someone who is less stable is less able to cope with them.

However, the word stability may conjure some misunderstanding. Dr. van Scheppingen says being more emotionally stable doesn’t mean you experience more positive emotions, just that you experience less negative emotions and are better able to cope with them when they do arise.

It’s important to note that all of these personality traits exist on a spectrum. “If you think about this like a continuum, most people are in the middle where they are not completely neurotic and not completely emotionally stable,” Dr. van Scheppingen says.

The connection between emotional stability and life satisfaction

In the study, which was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in March, researchers assessed 9,100 Dutch people ranging in age from 16 to 95 years-old over 11 years to see which of the Big Five personality traits corresponded most to higher levels of life satisfaction across their lifespan, regardless of changes in their social roles and responsibilities. The participants answered questionnaires that evaluated how satisfied they were with their social relationships; they also had the 5,928 employed participants answer questions about how satisfied they were at work.

Other previous studies have already shown that people who score high on certain Big Five personality traits—emotional stability, extraversion, conscientiousness, and agreeableness—have higher levels of life satisfaction at different stages of their lives than those with lower scores in those areas, says study co-author Gabriel Olaru, PhD, an assistant professor at Tilburg University in the Netherlands. But this new study examined how the personality traits played a role over the entire course of someone’s life.

“Our main goal with this research was to look at where the personality is relevant for life satisfaction across the entire lifespan because we thought maybe in young age you have different roles or different tasks in your life than old age,” Dr. Olaru says. For example higher extraversion is connected with more life satisfaction in adolescence because of how that trait lends itself to making friends. “Later on it’s more about being emotionally stable or conscientious because you may already be married and have children and your social relationships are already more fixed, so we were interested in to what degree that plays a role,” he explains.

Even despite changing life circumstances, they found that the most emotionally stable people had high life satisfaction throughout the duration of their lives and the study. They also found that highly conscientiousness people reported more satisfaction with work, and more extraverted and agreeable people were more pleased with their social connections. Plus, people who increased their levels of these qualities  over time said they were more satisfied in their work and social lives.

How to become more emotionally stable

So what if you take the Big 5 personality test and find that you score low on emotional stability—does that mean you’re doomed to be less satisfied with your life? No, not at all. Although studies have found that personality is to some extent genetic, it’s not set in stone. “If you can train and you can build habits and keep it up long enough until you can do them without effort, then that may lead to a personality change,” Dr. Olaru says.

“If you can train and you can build habits and keep it up long enough until you can do them without effort, then that may lead to a personality change.”—study co-author Gabriel Olaru, PhD, assistant professor at Tilburg University

According to Viktoriya Karakcheyeva, MD, director of behavioral health at the Resiliency and Well-Being Center at George Washington University’s School of Medicine & Health Sciences, it’s important to remember that everyone is starting from somewhere different from others. But positive skills, like regulating your emotions, can eventually be learned. “Maybe you’re starting at the point where you have more vulnerabilities than someone else, but you can practice those skills,” she says. “It’s about functionality and figuring out what functions best for you as an individual.”

Managing your response to negative emotions and the stress that comes with them is something that can be worked on. One way to think about this, according to Dr. Karakcheyeva, is the stress bucket model, created by psychologists Alison Brabban and Douglas Turkington. The model is a simplified way to think about each person’s capacity for stress and negative emotions as a bucket that gradually fills up as you go about your day.

“Over the course of the day we fill that bucket with different things and those stressors come in gradually or they may come in a big chunk that can fill the bucket up pretty fast,” Dr. Karakcheyeva says. “People who can better handle stress have some sort of well-regulated tap that releases what comes into the bucket gradually.” And luckily, there are plenty of ways to strengthen and create new outlets to help you deal with what life throws your way.

Enriching your life in ways that can alleviate your stress and make it easier to respond to tough emotions looks a lot of different ways, such as creating and maintaining strong social connections. And Dr. Karakcheyeva says that even seemingly basic practices, like time outside in the sun, nourishing your body with food, and getting adequate sleep are part of emptying our buckets.

So how do you make these positive behaviors part of your routine and turn them into lifelong habits that can change your perosnality? Dr. Karakcheyeva says the best way is to “start where you are” and begin incorporating new habits and practices in a way that’s realistic and doable. If they’re achievable, you’re more likely to consistently do them which is key. For example, if you’d like to start meditating and doing mindfulness exercises like joy snacking, don’t start with carving out an extended period of time or deciding it has to be done in a specific, special place.

Instead, try out a quick mindfulness break to see how it goes, and adjust from there. “You can start with one minute a day, and you can even do it sitting in your office where you maybe close your eyes, take a deep breath, pause, and notice what’s going on within your body and scan it for the points of tension, or maybe you get in touch with it just by noticing it and you may just leave it at that,” she says. The point is, don’t set yourself up to fail before you start by making it unachievable.

The cost of travel and missing work adds to the already-high financial burden of receiving abortion care. (According to Planned Parenthood, a first-trimester in-clinic abortion typically costs around $600, while second-trimester abortions can cost up to $2,000.) And a recent study conducted by the Advancing New Standards in Reproductive Health at the University of California, San Francisco, has shed light on the emotional toll of traveling for an abortion.

“There has been research over the years that has attended to some of the challenges for people who have to travel, and that’s really helped flesh out the understanding of financial costs, and also the logistical costs,” study author Katrina Kimport, PhD, tells Well+Good. “There’s always been this nod to the emotional costs. But there hasn’t been a lot of literature that’s really dug into that.”

Kimport’s study interviewed 30 women who crossed state lines to receive abortion services. They shared that they had experienced a range of negative emotions, including distress, stress, anxiety, and shame. Of course, many of these emotions are associated with having an abortion at all—but the complications of travel heightens them.

“More people will know about what you’re doing and you’ll also maybe need to rely on some of those people for help,” explains Dr. Kimport. “Maybe you’ll need to borrow a car. Maybe you’ll need help with pet sitting. Maybe you need support in childcare. All these things mean disclosing your abortion which can already be shrouded in so much stigma.” Even if someone is supportive and willing to help, Dr. Kimport points out that being forced to share what you’re going through before you’re ready can create anxiety.

The other option: Concocting elaborate lies to protect your loved ones, which comes with its own mental health burden. (In some states, it’s illegal to assist those seeking an abortion, including in Idaho where a new law makes it a crime to help a minor get an abortion without parental consent.)

Dr. Kimport says that there are also social costs associated with going to an unfamiliar place, far from one’s home. “Some of the people we interviewed had never left their home state,” she says. Not only were they now somewhere unfamiliar under circumstances they didn’t plan, but “for some people who came from smaller population areas, this can be really intimidating to go to a place that was more like a city than anything they were really familiar with.”

Then there’s also the fact of being away from your customary network of support and familiar surroundings, which Dr. Kimport says additionally contributes to overall stress: You’re separated from loved ones, familiar comforts such as your own bed, and the security of your home environment.

The fact of legal restrictions themselves also add to the emotional toll. “We found that the circumstances under which people were compelled to travel were very specific to legal restrictions,” says Dr. Kimport. “That itself could cause feelings of shame, seclusion, or being—as one woman mentioned—‘feeling cast out from her own community.’ So knowing that the circumstances that force this travel were based in judgment of people having abortions, that also can contribute to feeling negatively. It made individuals feel as if what they were doing was abnormal or wrong.”

What’s more, abortion data reveals that approximately 75 percent of patients are low-income, in their twenties, and already parenting—groups that are often the least equipped to tackle the significant logistical and financial barriers imposed by abortion bans. “So many of the things that make abortion more difficult to access can be overcome with financial resources. But for people who do not have financial resources, what could be an obstacle for one person is now actually a barrier,” says Dr. Kimport. “That prevents them from accessing the care they need and want.”

Although the researchers haven’t since followed up with the study’s subjects, it’s not a stretch to imagine that restrictions on access to safe and legal abortion can have lasting effects on a person’s mental and emotional well-being. Geographical barriers are a cruel added burden to an already emotionally fraught experience. Unfortunately, in our post-Roe America, right now, burdens and barriers, not compassion and care, are the reality.

With the continued growth of teletherapy—available through mobile apps, phone calls, and videoconferencing—along with increased numbers of people seeking support, you may find yourself having to switch gears from therapy to real life and vice versa. In fact, CDC data show that the percentage of adults aged 18–44 seeking mental health treatment increased between 2019 and 2021 (from 18.5 percent to 23.2 percent). Women in this age category were more likely than men to obtain treatment in the form of medication or counseling.

Whether you attend therapy in person or virtually, you may feel like you’re spreading yourself thin when therapy and work, unavoidably collide. If you’re a parent or caregiver, the workday may offer the only block of uninterrupted time for you to focus on your needs. Fortunately, there are things you can do to get the most out of your therapy session while still tending to your to-do list.

Resuming work after a therapy session

It’s common to experience a range of emotions following a therapy session. Sometimes you’ll feel relieved, perhaps after gaining some insight into a problem or learning new strategies to reduce stress. Other times you may feel emotionally drained, or have a therapy hangover, so it can be helpful to develop practices to ease the transition between therapy and your work commitments.

“Having a tangible or physical change can help your brain make space between the session and work,” says Daryl Appleton, EdD, MEd, psychotherapist, and Fortune 500 executive coach. For example, you can stretch or move around, listen to a song, splash cold water on your face, grab a snack or cup of tea, change your clothes, or go into a different room. The idea is to find something calming and rejuvenating that can provide a reset.

If you can, try to avoid scheduling anything for one to two hours after your appointment. “Allow post-session time to be one of reflection and transition,” Dr. Appleton says. She suggests keeping a list of reflections or concerns that you can then unpack in therapy.

Even if you’re short on time, “setting aside 60 seconds for a mindful minute can offer a supportive buffer,” says Michelle Felder, LCSW, MA, founder and CEO of Parenting Pathfinders. “Refilling your emotional cup before taking on tasks from work is a great way to take care of yourself.” She also suggests working with your therapist to create a plan that includes coping skills to manage this transition.

Preparing yourself emotionally for therapy

Depending on your goals for therapy, there are benefits and drawbacks to scheduling an appointment during your workday. For example, if your goal is to “address situations and dynamics related to work, it can be helpful to have a break to process your work life so you can reenter your workplace in a better frame of mind,” Felder says. Conversely, if you’re working through grief or trauma, it’s probably wise to avoid therapy on a day that requires you to focus your emotional energy on work.

Ultimately it may come down to a matter of time and personal preferences. To the extent possible, avoid booking an appointment during the middle of your day or a busy week, Dr. Appleton says. She suggests doing therapy first thing in the morning with transition time or, if needed, at the end of the day when you have a lighter workload.

If your appointment is later in the day, you may be feeling anxious about what you’re going to discuss. “Having a pre-session ritual to collect your thoughts can be immensely helpful,” Dr. Appleton says. She encourages her clients to keep a running list of topics and to go through them and identify the top three before they meet.

Another pre-session ritual is using mindfulness to engage your senses so that you feel calm and grounded. As Felder explains, you can spend a few minutes sitting still and focusing on your breath, journaling your thoughts and feelings, doing a body scan of the sensations you’re experiencing, or taking a walk and noticing what you see, hear, and smell.

Deciding what to share with your employer or coworkers

What you share with your boss or coworkers will depend on your relationship, workplace culture, and environment (i.e., working remotely, the physical layout of the office). “If you feel comfortable, talking about therapy can be a great way to connect with those around you professionally and personally,” Dr. Appleton says. While no one should pressure you to talk about therapy, sharing your experience “can help normalize caring for your mental health and perhaps inspire others to prioritize their own,” Felder says.

When blocking off time for therapy, you can mark it in your calendar as a doctor’s appointment or private appointment. If your appointment is during your lunch break or you’ve received approval for the time off, “you are under no obligation to disclose what you’re spending your time doing,” Felder says. Ideally, your colleagues will respect your privacy and refrain from asking questions.

If they do inquire about your private appointment, Felder suggests saying, “I have something private to take care of at that time” or “I have an appointment, but it’s not interfering with any of my responsibilities at work.” If available, speaking to human resources is an option if their questions persist, Dr. Appleton adds.

Following therapy, if you find yourself unable to focus or be fully present in your personal or professional life, “it can be helpful to share this with a close friend or family member,” Felder says. Both she and Dr. Appleton recommend discussing any challenges you’re having with your therapist to explore ways to navigate this transition and alleviate your distress.

Unless you expect your colleagues to be understanding and supportive, it’s probably wise to avoid putting yourself into a vulnerable position, especially at a time when you’re experiencing heavy emotions, Felder says. Her advice is to develop a consistent routine for how you begin and end therapy to better support your mental health.

That feeling of warmth and delight that comes from experiencing little bursts of happiness has a name: joy snacking. Coined by Dr. Richard Sima, PhD, neuroscientist and columnist at The Washington Post, the idea is that experiencing sustained joy through encountering small wonders throughout the day will contribute to an overall sense of calm and happiness. He cites research published last February in the journal Nature of Human Behavior, which found that appreciating even the small occurrences of joy we encounter throughout the day can be beneficial and lend meaning to our lives.

And there are evidence-based reasons why something seemingly small, like a favorite song playing on shuffle or petting a cute dog, lifts moods.

The science of joy snacking

While the scientific study of happiness and joy is relatively new, studies have found that experiencing joy causes the brain to release chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins, and norepinephrine that are responsible for pleasurable feelings and happy associations with certain activities. And there are numerous mental and physical health benefits to experiencing the positive emotions that fall under the broad category of joy, like gratitude, optimism, amusement, and awe, such as lower risk of cardiac events and increased longevity.

It’s human instinct to chase these feelings because “intuitively and evolutionarily we approach things that we predict or anticipate will be pleasurable and will result in joy, and we withdraw or try to escape from things that are threatening or unpleasant,” says Emiliana Simon-Thomas, PhD, science director at the University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.

However, according to Dr. Simon-Thomas, another reason joy feels so good to us is because it’s a salve for the fast pace of modern life. Because of all the commitments people have, even leisure activities—like reading for a book club—can be made more weighty by being tied up with commitments.

Additionally, Dr. Simon-Thomas adds that American society can make it feel like joy comes from material possessions primarily; she says deriving joy solely from material goods and circumstances doesn’t work as a long-term strategy because it requires certain privileges to attain these things.

The fast pace of life means it’s not always possible to make time for big events and happenings that make us happy, and it also means it can be tough to appreciate small joys in the moment as well. So it’s important to slot in even the little moments of awe and wonder (aka joy) whenever you can.

Aside from simply experiencing the joyful moments themselves, it’s key to take time to reflect and appreciate them. Studies have found that savoring, or appreciating and marinating in happy thoughts, benefits sleep and overall well-being. Reflection is an essential piece of Dr. Simon-Thomas’ research through the Big Joy Project, a program that presents people around the world with brief, joy inducing exercises for seven days, and helps them learn to incorporate joy into their daily lives; part of the program involves reflections on how the micro-acts of joy made participants feel. “Taking a minute to really dwell and savor rebalances the landscape of the mental experience so you can have those important, positive moments,” says Dr. Simon-Thomas. It helps to reinforce the happy emotional response you’re feeling. Over time, the more you focus on small moments of joy in your day to day, the more likely you are to seek them out and recalibrate your attention on these little moments of bliss.

How to find and recognize joy in your life

So how does one find joy exactly? According to Dr. Simon-Thomas, through practice and repetition—you don’t make a habit of opening yourself up to experiencing joy without practice. And it doesn’t have to be complicated; she says it could be as simple as deciding to take a 10 minute break from work to go outside and examine a cool tree, if that makes you happy.

“If you purposefully and intentionally create experiences that are more in the direction of savoring joy and social connection those experiences are going to come more readily without effort over time.”—Emiliana Simon-Thomas, PhD,

The first step is to make time for it in your schedule. Block off time in your calendar, if that’s what it takes. The key, Dr. Simon-Thomas says, is to build this into your routine repeatedly so that eventually you won’t have to schedule it. “If you purposefully and intentionally create experiences that are more in the direction of savoring joy and social connection those experiences are going to come more readily without effort over time,” she says.

How joy snacking for 2 weeks helped me feel happier and more fulfilled

Because the goal of joy snacking is to evaluate how tiny, unexpected things that bring me joy, make me feel, I thought it would be useful to pinpoint what these are in advance. So I started by making a list of all the little things that make me happy that I encounter in my day-to-day life.

I went as granular as I could, and ended up with a list that included some experiences I often overlook such as: opening my window to the sun in the morning, seeing my neighbors walking their dogs on my daily walks, the tulips starting to open in the garden at the end of my block, the smell of espresso and freshly-baked pastries at my favorite coffee shop, the happiness I feel when I spot my friend across the street before meeting up, etc.

Once I had an idea of what to look for, I made sure to structure my schedule so I would encounter at least several of these each day. However, I didn’t want to alter my behavior too much. I also decided to include time at the end of each week to reflect on how these little encounters with joy made me feel, and to jot down some notes at the end of each day to remember what I did. With these parameters in place, I set out to see how appreciating the little things would make me feel.

Week 1

The experiment got off to a good start as I have a set morning routine that is fairly simple, but makes me happy. Parting the curtains and letting the sun through my bedroom window got me off to a great start each morning—the mood-boosting effects of sunlight being what they are.

On my daily walks, I specifically rolled by houses and neighborhoods known to have beautiful plants and architecture. Plants were starting to bloom all around Washington D.C. where I live, and I particularly find botanicals and gardens mood-boosting, so I made sure to walk on routes that would take me past artfully arranged gardens and flower beds. I also took time to sit on the patio at my local café instead of heading straight home with my coffee, and found myself chatting with other patrons and especially their dogs tied up outside. These interactions made me happy so early in the morning, and like I’d built tighter community bonds, too. I got home a bit later than usual, but that was okay because I felt more energized once I did return. I also invited my friends to join me when they could which was a nice pick-me-up.

As work ramped up during the day, it became a bit tougher to appreciate the little things. In the afternoon when I became super busy, I tried to turn to the little joys that I know make me happy, like lighting a scented candle, preparing a nourishing lunch, and tossing laundry into the machine to get a head start on my post-work to-do list. I made sure to incorporate daily walks and ate lunch away from my desk, too.

When afternoons rolled into evenings, the stressors of the outside world tested me, too—I tried to see the particularly long line at Trader Joe’s not as an annoyance or inconvenience, but as an opportunity to listen to more of my podcast, catch up with my mom over the phone, and browse through the seasonal items on display more closely.

Week 2

I was encouraged after a successful first week, but I found it tougher to appreciate the little things over the second half of this experiment because I was quite stressed before heading out on vacation. Staying up late tossed me off my routine, so I found that I spent one day not going outside much at all and totally locked into my computer. Cold, miserable weather didn’t help motivate me, either.

Not going outside for a few days, however, greatly decreased my opportunities to experience simple pleasures, so I adjusted and made sure to put myself in the best position to encounter joy by getting back to my routine and making sure to leave the house. I repeated many of the same activities as I did in the first week, but added some new ones.

During a several-day stretch of rain, I pulled my coziest knit blanket out of my winter clothes box and put new batteries in my twinkle lights to create a comfy, amber-hued vibe in my bedroom that was perfect for watching TV and drifting to sleep. On another day after Pilates class, I decided to shower at the gym and use the available fancy bath products and salon-quality hair tools rather than sprint home to my own bathroom.

Even just this small swap had me feeling refreshed and like I’d emerged from a spa. I also made time to make my comforting meals, like soups and stews, and FaceTimed my friends while I cooked. And on my walks, I tried to savor the smell of the rain on the plants and pavement, and how it made everything sparkle.

Making these adjustments when the other small joys I’d learned to love and appreciate weren’t available turned the week around quickly. By reorienting to what was accessible to me and not focusing on what wasn’t, I salvaged things.

The takeaway

Overall, I found myself feeling lighter and more at ease during the two week period I tried joy snacking. At the end, I felt a greater sense of relief and calm than I had before I started. Experiencing these small pings of happiness helped alleviate some of the stressors of daily life, and taking time to notice and appreciate them as they came along made me feel fulfilled.

Removing the pressure to feel a sense of accomplishment felt good—building in small joys that didn’t require a lot of effort or energy had a therapeutic effect on me, too. Reflecting on how this made me feel is also going to be part of my routine from now on as well. I found myself looking forward to recounting which small experiences made me happiest. I don’t plan to stop joy snacking just because the experiment is over, either. I plan to continue to fill my days with the little things that make them brighter.

Unhealthy forgiveness refers to a type of forgiveness that may seem positive on the surface but can be harmful in the long run. It can look like continuously forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts you without any change in their behavior; forgiving someone without acknowledging the harm they caused or minimizing the impact of their actions; or accepting an apology too quickly, without taking the time to process and heal from the hurt the person caused.

Forgiveness is a choice after all, and there’s power in knowing that you get to choose what you allow, tolerate, and deserve. If you’re not ready to accept someone’s apology, it’s important to communicate your feelings in a clear, direct, and respectful manner. Here are some tips you can follow.

3 steps to take when you’re not ready to accept an apology

1. Take time to process your emotions

Before speaking to the person, allow yourself some time to reflect on why you’re not ready to accept their apology. It’s important to understand your feelings and make sure you’re not reacting impulsively or out of anger.

2. Be honest and direct

When you’re ready to have the conversation, be clear and honest with the person. Let them know that you appreciate their apology, but you’re not ready to accept it yet. Explain why you feel this way, and use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame.

What to say to someone from whom you’re not ready to accept an apology:

Here are some scripts to help you brainstorm what you may want to say so you don’t wind up accepting an apology or telling someone you forgive them for something you’re not actually ready to forgive.

• “I appreciate you apologizing but I need to see changed behavior before we can move forward.”
• “I am not ready to go back to the way things were. I need some time before I can forgive you.”
• “I am not ready to forgive you. I am still deeply hurt by your actions and I would like for you to respect how I feel and give me the space that I need.”

3. Set boundaries

If the person continues to apologize or tries to pressure you into accepting their apology, it’s important to set boundaries. Let them know that you need more time to process your emotions, and that you’ll reach out to them when you’re ready to talk more.

Be open to future conversations

While you may not be ready to accept the person’s apology now, it’s important to be open to future conversations. Let them know that you value your relationship with them, and you’re willing to work toward a resolution when you’re both ready.

Remember, it’s okay to process your emotions and decide if you’re ready to accept an apology. While forgiveness can be a powerful and healing experience, it’s important to remember that it’s a personal choice and not something that should be forced or expected of someone. Ultimately, the decision to forgive someone should be based on your own values, beliefs, and emotional needs.

You should be over the moon for your BFF’s huge win, but instead, you’re more than just a little bit salty. This may leave you feeling like a jerk for not being more excited, but according to licensed therapist Deborah Vinall, PsyD, author of Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal from Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships, this reaction is completely normal. While you shouldn’t feel guilty or strange for experiencing envy, you should know that not all forms of the emotion are created equally.

Before diving into the two main types of envy and how they can impact your friendships, it’s important to understand why envy and its close cousin jealousy are not the same thing.

The difference between jealousy and envy

Jealousy typically occurs when you already have something but feel threatened at the prospect of someone taking what’s yours. It typically stems from fear of being replaced. Jealousy is the feeling you get when your romantic partner flirts with someone else or when your parent gives extra attention to your sibling.

Envy is the painful emotion you feel when you wish you had what someone else has. Unlike jealousy, envy stems from desire, not fear, says Dr. Vinall. While jealousy is external and revolves around attention from others, envy is internal and involves coveting someone’s possessions or life situations.

“When you allow unhealthy envy or jealousy to simmer, you draw energy and attention away from focusing on furthering your own goals.”— Deborah Vinall, PsyD

Benign vs. malicious envy

Despite its infamously negative connotations (it’s one of the seven deadly sins, after all), modern psychological research suggests that envy isn’t always so bad. Back in 2009, Tilburg University researchers proposed that there are two types of envy that humans can experience: malicious envy and non-malicious, or benign, envy.

What is benign envy?

Benign envy, says Dr. Vinall, is rooted in personal security and self-confidence. With benign envy, we become fixated on what others have and how they got it. Studies show that this form of envy can spark inspiration from within yourself to improve your own life and motivate you to change for the better.

“The primary difference between benign and malicious envy is personal security or insecurity,” says Dr. Vinall. “You may envy a friend for her success, wanting the same for yourself, and be inspired to increase personal efforts in that direction.”

Because this form of envy allows us to recognize that the accomplishments of others don’t lessen our own, we’re able to use it as a source of inspiration to better ourselves. Seeing others reach their goals, then, becomes a source of motivation: When we see our friends crushing it, we feel energized, not defeated, or bitter.

“When you are secure, others’ success is not threatening,” adds Dr. Vinall. “You can both desire to have what they have while feeling genuinely happy for them.”

What is malicious envy?

Alternatively, malicious envy is rooted in insecurity and occurs when we feel angry about the successes of others. Malicious envy is much more sinister than simply wanting what another person has: It involves believing that the other person doesn’t deserve it as much as we do. This type of envy can lead to feelings of resentment and even result in us rooting for our friend’s downfall, according to Dr. Vinall.

“It causes you to feel unhappy at the success of others, believing it dims your own star,” she says. “If your envy is fueled by insecurity, you may feel threatened by others’ success, and be driven to tear down your friend, sabotage her success, or minimize the accomplishment.”

Besides poisoning close friendships, this form of envy can keep us from reaching our full potential, Dr Vinall adds. Unlike benign envy, which can foster internal motivation and help propel yourself toward your goals, malicious envy fails to move you forward, directing your energy instead in an unfruitful direction.

How to deal with envy from others

If your friend seems a little green with envy lately, your first instinct may be to write them off as a bad friend. Instead, try to recall a time where you felt envious of them. Being on the receiving end of envy can be a huge test of empathy, according to Dr. Vinall.

“If they contributed in any way to your success, communicate that with gratitude,” she says. “Empathize with your friend’s feelings, and express hope that they, too, will experience their own heart’s desires.”

That being said, Dr. Vinall says you shouldn’t allow their envy to dull your shine. If a friend constantly attempts to undermine your accomplishments, it may be time to re-think your relationship.

“Know that it is not your job to manage others’ emotions,” adds Dr. Vinall. “You don’t need to minimize or hide your good fortune or accomplishments.”

How to deal when you feel envious of others

It’s normal to feel envious of our friends from time to time, especially when we’re going through a rough patch personally. What’s important is that we acknowledge that their good fortunes are wholly independent of our own, says Dr. Vinall. Dwelling in our envy draws energy and attention away from furthering our own goals and “holds you in a negative mind space, which extinguishes creativity, optimism, and goal-directed behavior,” she says.

Understanding the difference between the circumstances of your friend’s life and your own can help contextualize their successes, as well as any possible feelings of inferiority you may be experiencing. Consider the factors that led up to their good fortunes and where they are today. Was it sheer luck, or the product of all their hard work? Did they have access to resources you didn’t? Are they simply at a different stage in their career or life than you are?

When envy rears its ugly head, try to center the love, admiration, and awe you feel toward your friend, and use those feelings to fuel your celebration of them. “Remember that few things in life are truly winner-takes-all, and your own life path has limitless potential of its own,” adds Dr. Vinall. “Then get back to work at making your own dreams come true!”

But a new tool in the anti-burnout toolbox has emerged that takes the pressure off the first day of the week and alleviates the ‘Sunday scaries,’ or the forboding feeling of returning to work. Enter: Bare minimum Monday, the concept of creating a soft landing pad for yourself at work post weekend to preserve your mental health and avoid burnout.

What is a bare minimum Monday?

Coined on TikTok and proliferated by Gen-Z workers, the phrase refers to starting the week slowly by putting in the bare minimum amount of effort to get through the first day back after the weekend. This means accomplishing only the very essential tasks needed for the day (rather than hitting the ground running) as a means of preserving your energy and preventing running out of gas before Friday.

Keren Wasserman, organizational development program manager at mental health benefits company Lyra Health, says this is actually a good practice because it lets workers prioritize balancing their own well-being with their workloads.

“It’s important to put the caveat that it isn’t about trying to get out of work; it’s about making work better.”—Jennifer Moss, author of The Burnout Epidemic: The Rise of Chronic Stress and How We Can Fix It

And putting in the bare minimum doesn’t necessarily mean not doing anything, or even necessarily being unproductive (rest is in fact productive and necessary for our overall health). This practice gives employees the power to decide for themselves the best way to utilize their time. “It’s not that you’re not doing anything,” says  Jennifer Moss, author of The Burnout Epidemic: The Rise of Chronic Stress and How We Can Fix It, says. “It’s important to put the caveat that it isn’t about trying to get out of work; it’s about making work better.”

This idea also hits back directly at some of the detrimental practices that can emerge at work, like toxic productivity or the idea that one needs to be productive at all times. “I don’t think it’s a matter of can I allow my to-do list to slip or not, but it’s more about what strategic activities can I plan at certain times of the week so I can accomplish my to-do list in the most efficient way possible that’s supportive of my mental health and well-being,” Wasserman says.

Why is bare minimum Monday needed?

Workplace burnout is rampant among American workers. The World Health Organization (WHO) even recognizes workplace burnout and pinpoints three tell-tale signs someone is experiencing it: feeling depleted and exhausted; cynicism about one’s job and increased mental distance from it; and reduced professional efficacy.

Many studies have found that burnout and the factors that contribute to it, like high job stress and unmanageable workloads, contribute to both physical and mental health issues, and make workers less productive. You can’t pour from an empty cup, as they say.

Lyra Health’s 2023 State of Workforce Mental Health Report, which surveyed 2,500 employees and more than 250 employee benefits leaders in the U.S. over a period of three months, found that the employees reported feeling “increasingly stressed and burned out.”

According to Wasserman, this practice aligns with organizational development best practices, which allow employees to have some control over their own time to balance their tasks and well-being. “Really what this is saying is ‘how can we create a work experience that allows people to ease into their week so that they can strategically prioritize their to-do list to give them some brain space to do more deep work at the beginning of the week before hitting the ground running instead of getting pulled into a state of overwhelm where they’re not able to perform at their best,” she says.

For too long, Wasserman adds, the onus on preventing burnout has been on individual workers. “Companies and managers have an opportunity with this concept of a bare minimum Monday to help their employees manage their workloads and prevent burnout,” she says.

Plus, according to Moss, it’s worth trying out any new methods that could prevent burnout among workers. “The only way we’re going to get [workplace burnout] under control is by looking at different strategies to attack these problems because what we’ve been doing so far is not working,” she says.

She also adds that uproar over the names of recent work trends that have to do with employees setting boundaries around work and disengaging from toxic productivity—bare minimum Monday, quiet quitting, rage applying—are unproductive and pull focus from the very real issues in the workplace that these behaviors push back against.

How to plan a bare minimum Monday

To give yourself the best possible set up for the rest of the week, Moss and Wasserman suggest taking some time to pinpoint which tasks are most essential to set you up for the week. Prioritize the most pressing and time-sensitive tasks first, and then use the rest of the day to orient yourself for the week ahead.

Each person’s bare minimum Monday will look different, depending on their specific role. For some, the best way to ease into the week may be getting admin-related tasks out of the way, or scheduling meetings. For others, the day may be a heads-down working day. Or, it may look like networking calls or coffees with coworkers to touch base about ideas—look at your workload, and figure out how your first day back would best be spent.

Moss even practices this herself: she likes to leave her Mondays clear of meetings, except for a call with her business manager, to allow her to ramp up and prepare for the rest of the week.

However you choose to layout your bare minimum Monday, the point is always the same: Structure it in a way that keeps the Sunday scaries at bay.

But something changed, or clicked, rather, the first time I went to a baseball game—go Giants!—with friends in college. The cheers, the jeers, the chit-chat with the people sitting around me was fun. As we put our arms around each other, swayed, and belted out the lyrics to Journey’s When the Lights Go Down in the City, I felt warm and fuzzy feelings for my adopted city, and the notion that maybe I might like watching sports dawned on me.

Since then, I’ve taken in baseball, basketball, and football games, watched golf and tennis and volleyball tournaments, and even traveled to Oregon for a track meet. Watching sports on TV is still not really my jam (with the exception of golf—the interpersonal drama just can’t be beat!), but I’ve found that a few hours in a stadium among a buzzing crowd of people is one heck of a good way to spend my free time.

And it turns out, science agrees. A new study of over 7,200 people published in Frontiers in Public Health has found that watching live sports increases feelings of well-being. Specifically, study subjects reported that attending live sporting events came with increased life satisfaction, a greater sense of life being worthwhile, and reduced loneliness. Those are some serious mental health benefits—and they held true for professional and amateur events alike.

The correlation makes sense. Watching people perform incredible feats of personal and collective excellence before your very eyes just drives home how incredible the human body is, and maybe even how lucky we are to be alive. Rooting in a crowd collectively gets your blood pumping, and, more often than not, silly chants or jokes will have you laughing while riding that will-they-or-won’t-they emotional roller coaster, in a good way. The feeling of being a part of something—and part of a community all rooting for the same thing—is undeniable.

“Watching live sport of all types provides many opportunities for social interaction and this helps to forge group identity and belonging, which in turn mitigates loneliness and boosts levels of well-being,” lead author Helen Keyes, PhD, head of the school of psychology and sport science at Anglia Ruskin University, said in a press release.

Researchers are interested in the mental health benefits of watching live sports because decreased loneliness and increased life satisfaction are associated with longevity. The study authors hypothesize that their findings could perhaps support public health initiatives to provide more access to live sports.

And at the very least, these findings could serve as an extra incentive to take yourself out to a ball game, or maybe try something new, even if you’re “not into sports.” You don’t have to be the one playing to get the mental health benefits. And who knows, you might like it!

Keep in mind that the lines between what is a narcissist and what is NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder, can blur together, and to be clear, psychologists differentiate narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder.

What is a narcissist?

“A narcissist is someone who has a pathological level of narcissism,” says psychotherapist Alena Scigliano, LPC, founder of Coastal Light Counseling and Psychotherapy and author of Swimming with Sharks: Surviving Narcissistic-Infested Waters. However, notes Scigliano, narcissism is “inherently within all of us and it’s inherently healthy.” She points to the example of adolescents, who “need to have a healthy level of narcissism, so they can focus on themselves and become their own person separate from their parents.” It’s when the characteristics of narcissist behavior interfere with a person’s relationships and daily life that it becomes pathological.

What Is NPD or narcissistic personality disorder?

Conversely, narcissistic personality disorder is “the diagnosis that is prescribed within the DSM-5, which is what therapists or anyone in the field of counseling or psychology use to diagnose patients with NPD,” says Scigliano. She adds that an individual must exhibit five out of nine common narcissist traits—and to the point where they interfere with an individual’s relationships and daily life—for them to be considered to have NPD. These traits can include an inflated sense of self-importance, a persistent need for praise and admiration, and an inability or unwillingness to empathize with others.

That said, Scigliano says that what is presented in the DSM-5 about narcissistic personality disorder is limiting. “It only addresses the grandiose or overt types of narcissists,” she says, and thus leaves out information about covert narcissists (more on that later).

All that is to say, narcissism shows up in varying degrees and frequencies in a person who can likely understand some of the consequences of their self-absorbed actions, while the latter show up consistently and severely in a person who cannot recognize or take accountability for the harm they’re leaving in their wake. While there’s only one clinical diagnosis for narcissistic personality disorder in the DSM-5, there are various shades of narcissism, all of which can be problematic to encounter in a relationship.

Why should you look out for narcissists?

Narcissists are generally grandiose people with an unending need for admiration and a lack of empathy, says psychologist Danielle Forshee, PsyD. These core qualities can be most harmful in a relationship—whether it’s a platonic or romantic relationship or otherwise.

“Relationships with narcissists often involve significant difficulty with managing conflict and disagreements, and arriving at joint decisions or solutions.”—Danielle Forshee, PsyD, psychologist

“Relationships with narcissists often involve significant difficulty with managing conflict and disagreements, and arriving at joint decisions or solutions, since narcissists are unreasonable and require compliance with what they believe is correct,” says Dr. Forshee. As a result, any conversation that doesn’t align with their preexisting opinion is bound to go south—and fast. “I like to think of narcissists as doing the ‘D’s’,” says psychologist Rachel Hoffman, PhD, LCSW, chief clinical officer at mental wellness platform Real. “They deny, devalue, and get defensive.”

This also means that a relationship with a narcissist can leave you feeling insecure and unworthy. “Their defensiveness and inability to take criticism can quickly turn into gaslighting behavior that leaves you doubting yourself,” says Dr. Hoffman. And that’s precisely the goal of the narcissist—to be recognized consistently as “superior,” regardless of their actual achievements or behaviors in the relationship, says Dr. Forshee.

Over time, having your wants and needs repeatedly sidelined by a narcissist can convince you that they just aren’t as important as your partner’s wants and needs. “Your whole relationship can become centered around pleasing this person, as opposed to addressing your needs and the needs of the relationship itself,” says Dr. Forshee.

By the same token, your constant need to stroke their ego or confirm their worth can make it tough to get to know the person on a deeper level, says Dr. Forshee, restricting the relationship from ever reaching the intimacy necessary for long-term success.

Why is it often so difficult to identify the different types of narcissists?

If you’re curious to learn how to identify a narcissist, should you suspect you have one in your life, it typically won’t be without difficulty. “Many times, people can’t believe a person is that self-centered and lacking in empathy,” says therapist Lesli Doares, LMFT. “They are given the benefit of the doubt because the narcissist can act in ways that seem generous, but it’s only a ploy to keep someone connected to them or to get something specific in return.” It’s easy to latch onto those moments as “proof” that the narcissist actually cares, she adds, but cautions that this earnestness is not only false and manipulative but also unlikely to last.

Particularly in the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist, there’s typically a lot of love-bombing, says Dr. Hoffman: “They’ll give you compliments and inflate your ego, so you take it and internalize that they’re making you feel good or loved, but really it’s just a manipulation tactic to ensure that you choose to date them.”

Narcissist traits can also be cloaked by the narcissist’s preoccupation with ideal love, says Dr. Forshee. And in service of that ultimate goal, “they’ll usually be very adept at showing you only the parts of themselves they want you to see—like success, power, brilliance, or beauty.”

And even if you catch on to the narcissistic pattern, it can be tough to escape it. “When a narcissist feels like they might be losing you, they’ll revert to their earlier ways and try to make you feel really good about yourself again through love-bombing,” says Dr. Hoffman. “But again, it’s always all about them in the end, making this nothing more than an emotional roller coaster.”

What are the different types of narcissists?

While, again, the DSM-5 does not distinguish among types of narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism can certainly present in different ways. Dr. Hoffman and Scigliano see these types of narcissists as fitting into two overarching categories, overt and covert narcissists.

“Overt narcissists are the people whom you can tell are narcissists from a mile away,” Dr. Hoffman says. “They’re super into themselves, super competitive, and super arrogant, and when you talk to them, the conversation only moves forward if it’s about them.” These are the same folks who don’t ever think to ask you a question about yourself.

By contrast, the covert types of narcissists are less easily identifiable. “These people typically have very low self-esteem or a deep fear of never being ‘enough,’ which ends up manifesting as narcissism because they refuse to accept any criticism about themselves,” says Dr. Hoffman. “Essentially, they already have such low self-esteem, they don’t know where to place any new criticism, so they’d rather walk away from a situation where they may be at fault, rather than be seen as having messed up.”

Each of these two categories can be divided into a few further types of narcissists, outlined below.

Overt types of narcissists

1. The toxic narcissist

There’s a range of toxic narcissism, and none of it is good. A toxic narcissist “continually causes drama in others’ lives at the very least and causes pain and destruction at the very worst,” says clinical psychologist John Mayer, PhD.

If you happen to have a friend who constantly demands all of your time and attention—and doesn’t respond well when you don’t meet those demands—you may be dealing with a toxic narcissist. Likewise, if someone in your life has caused more extreme issues, like gotten you fired from your job, physically abused you, or led to the end of a relationship, they may be a toxic narcissist as well.

One particular type of toxic narcissist is the psychopathic narcissist, who will embody some of the unstable, aggressive qualities of psychopathy. This person will often be violent and show no remorse for their behavior. “Serial killers largely make up this type of narcissist,” says Dr. Mayer. Scigliano also refers to this type of narcissist as malignant narcissists, and what makes them so dangerous is that “they want to do harm to other people or take pleasure out of doing harm to others,” she says.

2. The exhibitionist narcissist

The exhibitionist narcissist is very obvious about their self-interest. “This is the narcissist who lets everyone around them know that they are narcissistic,” says Dr. Mayer, adding that this person takes advantage of other people and is often haughty and arrogant. They’re also blatant about their self-centered behavior. “They need to be in the spotlight and get uncomfortable when they’re not,” says psychotherapist Alisa Ruby Bash, PsyD, LMFT.

3. The bullying narcissist

This person combines two terrible traits: bullying and self-absorption. Bullying narcissists build themselves up by trashing other people, Dr. Mayer says. They’re often fixated on winning and will mock or threaten others to get their way. They ultimately get joy from making other people feel bad, small, or unworthy. This is different from a “regular” bully who tends to put people down for social gain, whereas a bullying narcissist does it for personal motivation.

While Scigliano agrees that bullying narcissists fall under the overt category of narcissism, she also says that they can also be covert narcissists—particularly if their tendencies fly under the radar.

Covert types of narcissists

1. The closet narcissist

Often trickier to spot than other types of narcissists, “a closet narcissist is one who doesn’t inflict their personality upon others or society but firmly believes in the characteristics of narcissism,” says Dr. Mayer. Closet narcissistic behavior examples can include feeling entitled, constantly needing other people to admire them, being preoccupied with success, being jealous of other people, and lacking empathy for others.

“They’re more codependent,” says Dr. Bash. “They often try to pretend that they’re really selfless, but like to associate themselves with someone that they admire and ride their coattails.”

2. The seducer narcissist

This type of narcissist relies most heavily on love-bombing to get the attention that they so desperately crave from others. The seducer will “make you feel great about yourself just to ‘win’ you over as a sexual or love conquest,” says Dr. Mayer. They will often seem to admire or fawn over you, only to write you off once they no longer have a use for you.

3. The vulnerable narcissist

This type of narcissist’s obsession with self manifests more directly as an assumption that everyone is always out to get them. Like a classic narcissist, they can’t accept criticism, but in this case, it’s because their warped sense of reality makes them feel as if they’re always being victimized and life has always been uniquely unfair to them. “But no matter how much empathy they might receive from a partner, it’s never enough,” clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, PhD, previously told Well+Good.

Among the variations of narcissist types, Scigliano refrains from using the term “vulnerable narcissist.” “When a lot of people hear the word ‘vulnerable,’ they might think of vulnerable populations, or they think, ‘Oh, this is someone I need to take care of’—and that to me is where the risk is,” she says. Rather than think of pathological narcissists as vulnerable, she prefers to think of them as sharks. “We accept sharks as they are, we don’t expect them to change, and if there’s a shark in the water, we stay out of the water because they can be dangerous,” she says. “So, if we start thinking about narcissists that way, people will stop getting so hurt by narcissists because what perpetuates the cycle of narcissistic abuse is people hoping they’ll change.”

What are traits exhibited by different types of narcissists?

According to Scigliano, both overt and covert narcissists have many traits in common, save for a few differences. Both are typically “antagonistic, argumentative, conflictual, contemptuous, and struggle to regulate their emotions,” she says. They can also be “entitled, egocentric, highly reactive, and manipulative, selfish, and, sometimes, tyrannical.”

Also, she adds, they are empathy atypical, which means that they aren’t devoid of empathy but, rather, exhibit a different kind of empathy. “Let’s say their kid is getting picked on. It’ll seem like they have empathy for their kid because they can seem really upset,” she says. “But what I believe is that they see their child as an extension of them—as with their other family members—and what is really happening is that they’re empathizing with themselves.”

What an overt narcissist might have that covert types do not is charm, charisma, and an outgoing nature that is often exemplified by extroverts, says Scigliano. Interestingly enough, she adds that “overt or grandiose narcissists are typically extroverts that gain a lot of energy from being around other people.” Conversely, “the more covert narcissists are often more introverted.”

What is the most dangerous type of narcissist?

Ultimately, it’s not good to have any type of narcissist in your life, if you can help it, says Doares. But among the types of narcissists, the malignant ones may be the most dangerous to engage with. “Other kinds of narcissists aren’t going to go out of their way to hurt somebody—they’re just obsessed with themselves,” says Dr. Bash. “But a toxic narcissist may actually set out to hurt someone.” This element of bad intention can make a relationship with a toxic narcissist particularly damaging to your psyche and sense of self.

If, for any reason, you feel the desire or have a need to stay in a relationship with any type of narcissist—perhaps they are a family member or the parent of your child—Dr. Hoffman has an important word of caution: Do not forget who you are outside of the relationship. “What so often happens with people in relationships with narcissists is that they become a corpse of themselves, as they become laser-focused on constantly pleasing their partner,” she says. “The best thing you could possibly do for yourself in this situation is to create a life for yourself outside of your partner.” That means consciously engaging in hobbies you love and seeing friends and family members who lift you up, she adds. “This way, you can grow and maintain your sense of confidence and identity.”

Scigliano adds that with all the types of narcissists, the best way to cope with them is to first set strong boundaries—and stick with them. “This is the number one way to cope with having a narcissist in your life,” she says. She adds that if a conflict arises, she recommends sticking to the objective facts—“avoid sharing your emotions because they can use those against you.” Finally, she says to maintain a healthy level of wariness around the narcissist, but not to the point it can cause you undue stress.

Can you tell a narcissist they are a narcissist?

Short answer? Probably not. While there’s a chance that someone with narcissistic tendencies can acknowledge the gravity of their actions and perhaps even commit to acting differently in the future, a true narcissist is not going to accept feedback that is a reflection of anything other than their own greatness, says Dr. Forshee.

In this way, telling a narcissist that they’re a narcissist is almost always futile. “Even as a therapist, to be transparent, I find it very hard to work with narcissists, so it’s tough for me to see how someone untrained would get a narcissist to change their ways by alerting them to the fact that they’re a narcissist,” says Dr. Hoffman.

Not to mention, doing so could create some serious backlash, in some cases. “Be prepared for some type of war in response to criticism, whether it be the silent manipulative and coercive-control type of war, or outright disdain wrought with counterattacks, and possibly rage,” says Dr. Forshee.

What is the root cause of narcissism?

No one cause can be proposed as the sole explanation of something as complex as narcissism. But experts point to several reasons for it. For one, people can be born with certain personalities that are predisposed to being less empathic and socially aware, according to Scigliano. This can often happen when a child is raised within a certain environment that engenders a focus on self.

Commonly, a narcissistic person is often a product of a narcissistic parent. “If a child is raised by a narcissist, then they’re being repeatedly failed empathetically by their parent and hurt over and over and over,” she says. “That leads them to not be able to develop a healthy attachment to their parents but also a healthy sense of who they are—as result, they become really insecure and their sense of self is really fragile.” Scigliano uses the analogy of a glass orb to describe a narcissist’s sense of self. “Because it’s so fragile, they wrap it in bubblewrap over the years to try and protect it from being broken—and the bubblewrap is a combination of defense mechanisms and offense tactics,” she says.

Does narcissism run in families?

In the case of narcissistic personality disorder, as with any personality disorder, there could certainly be a genetic component. “It also might not be the case that a parent has narcissistic personality disorder, but it’s possible that they have a different personality disorder, which could still make it more likely that a kid has narcissistic personality disorder,” says Dr. Hoffman.

In the case of narcissism and narcissistic tendencies, it’s also possible for someone to learn or pick up these behaviors in response to childhood trauma. “Someone who never felt like they never got enough attention or affirmation or praise when they were younger can develop a need for excessive praise when they get older,” says Dr. Hoffman. And in other family dynamics, it’s possible that a person grew up witnessing narcissistic behavior in a caretaker or sibling and saw this behavior rewarded with additional praise, leading them to pick up this narcissistic streak themselves, she adds.

Can a narcissist be a good person?

Psychologists often identify something called “healthy narcissism” in the context of early childhood development—largely referring to the process of “individuation” in children around two to three years old, says Dr. Hoffman. “Kids this age start to learn that what they do has an impact on the people around them, and they begin to test this out,” she says. “So, you’ll tell them not to touch something, and they do it anyway on purpose. And honestly, what they’re doing is developing their own perception of self and self-esteem, which therapists sometimes say is a healthy dose of narcissism.”

But when we’re talking about narcissism in adults, and particularly narcissistic personality disorder, it’s not typically healthy or good. “This happens when, again, there’s such an inflated view of the self that you’re not able to process and respect the needs, wants, and feelings of others,” says Dr. Hoffman.

This lack of empathy in narcissists is what makes their behaviors so inherently hurtful, whether they’re “trying” to be hurtful or not. “Narcissists are wounded individuals,” says Dr. Forshee, “and they can be very treatment-resistant, too, because of the superiority complex and lack of insight into the areas where they could stand to grow.”

But for all its utility as a job board and networking tool, LinkedIn is fundamentally a social media platform, which we know can be tough on your mental health, if you use it without guardrails. The ill effects of social media use on self-esteem are well-documented. And while we may associate a correlation between use and lower self-esteem with platforms such as Instagram and Facebook, they extend to LinkedIn, too.

A study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking evaluated 1,780 people in the U.S. between ages 19 and 32 who used professional networking sites and found a correlation between increased LinkedIn use and feelings of depression and anxiety (however, the study couldn’t determine directionality).

Why it can feel stressful to use LinkedIn

It can fuel a compare-and-despair mindset

Part of why going on LinkedIn can feel like an emotional minefield is because of social comparison, a natural instinct to see how you stack up against the people around you. This can be positive and motivating, but it can also negatively impact self-esteem.

“In some cases, we upwardly compare [ourselves] to others,” Anjali Gowda Ferguson, PhD, LCP, a licensed clinical psychologist and trauma expert, previously told Well+Good, while in other cases “we might [downwardly] compare ourselves—that is, we compare to others worse-off than ourselves.”

A propensity to compare and despair is largely why Kristin Lee, a 26 year-old tutor and travel blogger, doesn’t use LinkedIn anymore. After graduating in June 2021, she used LinkedIn to apply for several positions but found the algorithmically generated information about how many other applicants applied—and the feature that tells you how you measure up to them—messed with her confidence, she says.

Lee stopped actively using the site last January. And while she briefly considered updating her page to reflect that she’s been tutoring and building her travel blog, she says she hasn’t had the courage, adding that there is something intimidating about sharing her success—or perceived lack thereof—on LinkedIn because it looks different than what she expected.

“We all know that on Instagram and Facebook people are posting the best versions of themselves, but it’s just a very brief moment and it’s more whimsical and not as serious,” she says. “But what you’re talking about [on LinkedIn] are things [like my career and school] that I’ve put a lot of time and effort into. It’s associated with your identity and who you are. You’re putting yourself out there to be judged, and it’s like, ‘Did I live up to your expectations?’’’

“It’s associated with your identity and who you are. You’re putting yourself out there to be judged, and it’s like, ‘Did I live up to your expectations?’”—Kristin Lee, 26, travel blogger

The highs and lows of your LinkedIn feed can create a rollercoaster of emotions

Going on LinkedIn can be jarring because it feels like a collection of high-highs and low-lows. For many (I received numerous responses to my inquiry about peoples’ experiences on LinkedIn for this story) the economic uncertainty of the past several years has meant their feeds are filled with posts from workers who’ve lost their jobs, interspersed with people who have new jobs or promotions, which creates this anxiety-producing experience where it seems like you should be able to thrive at work, even though you know the market is against you at the moment.

“Right now LinkedIn feels much more like a platform for being in your feelings, and it’s just tiring to filter through that.” —Natalie Cantave, 29, hiring manager

Among those affected by recent layoffs is Natalie Cantave, 29, who was let go from her startup job in December. She’d previously used LinkedIn both as an applicant and as a hiring manager, and didn’t find it stressful to use before. Although she just accepted a new role at the end of February, Cantave noticed a change in how using the platform felt when she was job-searching.

“Everything has just felt so heavy and I know it’s a social media platform, but especially for people who have experienced layoffs like myself and really want to be able to use it for finding opportunities, right now LinkedIn feels much more like a platform for being in your feelings, and it’s just tiring to filter through that,” she says.

Lee echoes this sentiment, saying that while LinkedIn users post about their career wins and losses, it feels like “it’s only the extreme ends of the spectrum like ‘I just got fired today,’ or you get, ‘Oh my god, I’m so excited to announce [a new job], and this is the greatest honor of my life.'” Both Lee and Cantave said seeing these posts so close together was stressful and made them anxious.

As widespread as some of this sentiment can be, it’s important to note that while layoffs are happening in white-collar sectors, like tech and media, they aren’t happening in large numbers to other workers. The unemployment rate for college graduates, for example, has hovered at around two percent over the last year.

But what we see influences our perception of reality, which is why setting boundaries around your social media consumption is so important.

How to protect your mental health while using LinkedIn

First off, try to remember that like many other social media platforms, LinkedIn profiles are curated and don’t show the full picture of someone’s life. Career coach Ashley Stahl cautions that everyone’s professional path has highs and lows, and you can’t be sure of where they are based on what they post for everyone to see.

So while LinkedIn can be a useful tool to network and search for jobs, Stahl advises using the platform in a targeted way and avoiding scrolling the feed. Instead, she recommends users looking to make connections join targeted professional groups and use the search bar to find contacts in specific industries and companies rather than wading through all the available information.

Here are a couple of other things you can do to make using LinkedIn better for your mental health.

Tailor your experience

Catherine Fisher, LinkedIn’s career expert, says you can fine tune your feed to be more relevant to you and hide posts or notifications that aren’t useful. You can also unfollow or mute people, companies, and hashtags.

Set parameters for your personal use

If you decide to keep using LinkedIn, create some guardrails for how you use it. Rather than doomscrolling the feed, make a plan for what you’re going to do on the site before you use it, do it, and sign off.

“If it’s really becoming a problem and you’re not waiting for some news [or a message], you can honestly take it off your phone and just check it on your computer when you feel up for it,” says Tracy Livecchi, LCSW, who also recommends emoving yourself from email lists and turning off or minimizing notifications.

Because LinkedIn is an important networking tool in her industry, Cantave still uses it, but mostly to reach out to others—she deleted the app off her phone, set usage time limits for herself (for example, she doesn’t use it on Fridays), and has been using other job boards like Pallet and ones specific to startups.

Stahl also recommends taking note of which features on the platform make you feel bad, naming the feeling, and making adjustments to your behaviors. Finally, if you feel like your LinkedIn mental health toll is still too high, don’t be afraid to disengage.

Even though I love them, sometimes my breasts seem to have a mind of their own. Ever since I can remember, I’ve experienced strange, random bouts of sadness, anxiety, and shame when touching them. To be clear, I don’t feel sad about touching them; I touch them and then feel sad, without moral provocation.

Turns out, there’s a name for it: sad nipple syndrome. Throngs of women have taken to TikTok (or NipTok, perhaps?) and Reddit within the past few years to sing the blues about their boobs and how grazing their nipples will occasionally evoke feelings of deep despair.

Excuse me, but… what the hell is going on? Why exactly does this happen? And does this mean my nipples are… sad?

What is sad nipple syndrome?

‘Sad nipple syndrome’ is a phenomenon that occurs when someone (primarily people who were assigned female at birth, more on that in a bit) experiences a wave of intense negative emotions after touching their nipples. Some people, including software engineer and lifestyle influencer Thaovy Van, describe feeling an uncontrollable sense of sadness. Some report feeling guilty or ashamed, while others express feelings of loneliness, homesickness, or nostalgia. As for myself, it kind of feels like a mix of deep dread, guilt, and anxiety á la the common nightmare of being naked in public, or getting called to the principal’s office in grade school.

It seems that not all women experience sad nipple syndrome the same way. For some, the feeling comes about randomly and suddenly and is brought on by nonsexual nipple contact. For others, nearly all forms of nipple stimulation spark feelings of unease.

Why does sad nipple syndrome happen?

To put it simply: We don’t know.

There’s yet to be any medical research conducted about how and why sad nipple syndrome occurs. Sad nipple syndrome as an idea is still incredibly new; the earliest online mentioning of it are open-ended discussion threads that date as far back as 2014. Without proper research, medical professionals, then, can only speculate as to why this phenomenon occurs.

The connection to dysphoric milk ejection reflex (D-MER)

While the medical community has yet to explore the whys and hows of sad nipple syndrome, board-certified OB/GYN and founder of HPD Rx Monte R. Swarup, MD, says we can look to other diagnoses for clues. “The closest condition to look at is D-MER, or Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, which is a medical condition which affects women when breastfeeding,” says Swarup.

Breastfeeding mothers with D-MER, Swarup says, report the similar feelings of sadness that are shared amongst people with sad nipple syndrome. For new moms, this steep dip in emotion occurs right before releasing milk from her breast. An abrupt drop in the happy hormone dopamine happens when milk release is triggered, resulting in a short dopamine deficit for the mom. This feeling of dysphoria, reports show, typically last for only a few minutes, and can range in severity from “wistfulness” to “self-loathing.”

Okay, but… what if I’ve never breastfed?

While a diagnosis of D-MER can help explain a new mother’s dysphoria while breastfeeding, it fails to explain the nipple dysphoria felt by those of us who have never lactated. Without the physiological trigger of milk release, as stated above, how, then, are non-mothers experiencing comparable levels of emotional discomfort?

Outside of dysphoria caused from milk release, Swarup says that “there is a theory that very sensitive nipples have endorphins that release when touched, which could be causing the dysphoria.”

This theory poses that what *actually* causes the dysphoria is a drop in feel-good chemicals, regardless of the cause. Nipple stimulation has been proven to result in oxytocin secretion, which would explain the intense wave of emotion us sad nipple sufferers experience on contact, as the love hormone’s been shown to also increase survival emotions like fear and anxiety. Still, as Swarup noted, it’s just a theory.

Is there a cure for sad nipple syndrome?

At present, there is no official treatment protocol for sad nipple syndrome, since we still don’t know very much about it. Without understanding exactly why and how it occurs, medical experts can’t properly prescribe one cure for all patients.

According to Dr. Swarup, more scientific evidence needs to be collected to determine if sad nipple syndrome is hormonal, psychological, physiological, or potentially, a mix of all three.

If you have especially sensitive nipples, wearing an extra layer of padding in your bra can help create a barrier between your nipples and the material of your shirt. If you experience anxiety, depression, or loneliness, consider talking it out with a licensed professional; meditative breathwork, exercise, and spending quality time with people you love may help lighten the emotional load, too.

There’s still a lot to be learned about sad nipple syndrome, and until an official diagnosis comes, I’m taking some comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one who has nipples that get a little sad. I hope you do, too.

Psychologist and astrologer Jennifer Freed, PhD, explains that your birth chart can help identify patterns and challenges you are meant to navigate in this lifetime, or as she puts it, your “cosmic lesson plan.” To blend the two practices of astrology and therapy, Dr. Freed recommends working with someone with a therapy license and astrological knowledge. But as a starting point, below she shares four ways astrology and therapy can work together. 

1. Identifying short-term and long-term challenges

Dr. Freed says one of the many cool things about astrology is that it can help pinpoint the chronic, long-standing challenges that you’ve dealt with since birth (for instance, maybe you’ve always had a hard time expressing your feelings), as well as acute issues that come up for a period of time and relate to a particular transit or cycle you’re going through, such as your Saturn return, for example. So looking at your natal chart as a whole—plus what’s happening currently in the cosmos at any given moment—can help pinpoint what issues would be helpful to work through in therapy. 

2. Reflecting on your inner and outer realities

Unpacking your sun, moon, and rising signs (aka your big three) is another great way to mix astrology and therapy, as they reveal important aspects of who you are. As a refresher, your sun sign represents your identity. Your rising sign, Dr. Freed says, is your persona, kind of the role you are given in your family, while your moon sign is your non-negotiable emotional needs.

So as a starting point in therapy, Dr. Freed recommends discussing these different parts to understand yourself better. Who do you think you are? (sun sign) What do you need to feel emotionally satisfied? (moon sign) What face do you show the world? (rising sign) Your moon sign, in particular, she says, is very important as it represents your inner world and can reveal a lot about what you need to work through in therapy. 

If you’re a Pisces moon, for instance, “it means that you need to be able to say how sensitively you feel about things, how hurt you are, and also to learn to take a step back and not personalize everything,” Dr. Freed says. So in therapy, a Pisces moon would benefit from working on discerning what they’re feeling. 

3. Decoding the subconscious

If you don’t already keep a dream journal, start one ASAP. “Dream work is very powerful for all signs,” Dr. Freed says. “It requires some discipline because you have to write down or record your dreams, but dream work can be an extraordinary opportunity to marry astrology with psychology.” 

If you pay close attention, Dr. Freed adds, themes of whatever astrology cycle you’re going through will pop up in your dreams that can help decode what’s going on in the unconscious mind. To help with this, she suggests noting the general theme of your dreams and looking to what planet rules that theme. Mercury, for example, rules communication, and Pluto rules death and rebirth. Then reflect on what that planetary energy wants you to become aware of in your conscious state. 

4. Choosing what type of therapy tools work best for you

There is no shortage of therapy types available. There’s reparenting therapy, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), and hypnotherapy, to name a few. However, not all styles will work for everyone, and astrology can help find a type of therapy that would work best for you. To do so, Dr. Freed recommends noting the elements of your sun, moon, and rising signs. 

For instance, if you’re heavily an air person (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius), Dr. Freed suggests grounded, slow-moving therapies that will help bring you more into your body, such as CBT which focuses on how to be more mindful and aware.

Folks with a lot of earth energy in their natal chart (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) will benefit from cathartic and expressive therapy “so you can get out of the mud,” Dr. Freed says. Think rebirthing therapy or breathwork, which can help move stuck energy. 

If you’re a fiery person (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius), on the other hand, “work with therapies that help you be more contemplative, mindful, and reflective, and actually slow your roll [and] not be so tempestuous, impulsive, and easy to anger,” Dr. Freed says. “You want to work with therapies that help you actually organize and mature and be more intentional.” Examples include self-object therapy and attachment therapy. 

Lastly, Dr. Freed says water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) need therapy that helps them assert themselves, establish strong boundaries, and help manage their flood of emotions. For this, she suggests highly structured therapies, such as brief or goal-oriented therapy, where you choose a goal and the therapist helps keep you accountable.

Whether you choose to use all of Dr. Freed’s advice, or focus on just one tool at a time, figuring out a way to combine astrology and therapy can help you deepen your understanding of both practices and how to apply them to your personal growth journey.

Once again, I’ve forgotten to text back my mom, and once again, I’ve found myself frantically crafting a “Sorry it took so long to reply, but…” text, hoping she’ll understand. (Spoiler alert: She’s an angel and always does.)

Regardless of my intention, replying late to texts can send an unintentional negative message to the recipient that the lapse in time was deliberate or even loaded, says licensed professional counselor Theresa Libios, LPC. This, then, can have the effect of folks filling that blank space of communication with reasons they think you’re not responding. “Texting is seen as a quick response,” says Libios. “When there’s a long silence, it can be seen as, ‘oh, that person doesn’t like me’, or ‘oh, I’m not important’.”

“Sometimes you have to focus on loving yourself more than replying to texts; your mental health has to come first.” —Theresa Libios, LPC

As a habitual late text responder, this narrative fills me with guilt. I’m aware that my phone is essentially an extension of my body; it’s with me at all times. But just because I can drop whatever I’m doing and respond immediately doesn’t mean I must or even should. And according to experts, the only thing I should do is avail myself of that guilt. “Sometimes you have to focus on loving yourself more than replying to texts; your mental health has to come first,” says Libios. Furthermore, adds clinical psychologist Andrew Kahn, PsyD, of Understood.org, “a phone call, a text, and an email are invitations to an interaction—they’re not requirements in that moment.”

There are reasons—including my ADHD, the need to protect my mental energy and health, and competing demands for my attention—why I’m a chronic late texter. What I wish folks knew is replying late to texts has nothing to do with the them—certainly not how much I value them—and everything to do with me. I also contend there’s nothing wrong with texting back late, and believe there’s a need to accept the different ways people may interact with text messaging in general.

3 valid reasons for replying to late to texts

1. Sometimes, I just forget to hit send

If you have ADHD like I do—or if you’re human, really—you might relate to typing out a detailed response to a text, only to realize hours later that you forgot to hit “send.” Forgetfulness happens to all of us, says Dr. Kahn.

Pressing tasks have the ability to pull our attention away from something else and can interrupt our train of thought. For those of us with ADHD, external stimuli of any kind (pressing or not) have the power to pull us away from the task at hand due to our hypersensitivity. “The problem for many of us [with ADHD] is that, especially in the modern world, our ability to focus on something and sustain attention requires some of the neurological skills that maybe we don’t have as naturally,” says Dr. Kahn.

Once your attention is pulled away, forgetting that initial task is super-easy. “Texts are great when they’re immediate, because they give you notification,” says Dr. Kahn. But “as soon as you decide in that moment not to pay attention to it, the next stimulus takes over, and [the text] gets buried under all of the other things that you notice more rapidly, which is part of what ADHD is: the difficulty in shifting your attention and focus.”

2. Other times, texting can feel like a chore

As someone who works from home and spends her days toggling between internet browser tabs and Zoom meetings, digital burnout plays a part in my lateness.

Spending over 10 hours a day in front of a computer for my job can spark serious screen fatigue, and replying to personal messages can feel like a second job. After a long workday, responding to a lighthearted message from a friend can end up feeling like another assignment. Libios says this form of social exhaustion has been especially evident among her younger clientele. “It becomes overwhelming because there are so many communication methods to check,” says Libios. “I’ve had teenagers—not their parents, but they themselves—take a total reset, take away their phone and shut it down, because it became too much.”

According to licensed clinical psychologist Aimee Daramus, PsyD, texting back and forth lacks the exciting, engaging aspects of a face-to-face conversation, yet requires the same level of attention and involvement. “Digital communication is fantastic for staying connected in some ways,” Dr. Daramus previously told Well+Good, “but it takes up social energy without giving us things like touch or shared experiences that we can only have in person. You might be getting socially exhausted, just like you might at a party, but even more so because of the lack of physical sensation.”

Assigning weight to incoming texts, emails, and phone calls can lead to replying late to texts, too. When you’re receiving dozens (or more) of messages from work, family, and friends, picking which ones to reply to first can be hard, leading to decision fatigue, indecision, and procrastination.

3. Life happens

Sometimes I accidentally leave my phone at home while on a coffee run. Sometimes I forget to charge my phone before leaving the house, and it dies while I’m in the middle of an emotional text convo. Sometimes, I’m so engrossed in work that I can’t be bothered to send a quick reply at the risk of interrupting one of my rare streams of hyper-focused attention.

Despite my best efforts to stay in the driver’s seat of my life, sometimes various circumstances grab the steering wheel. And at the end of an especially chaotic day of twists and turns, I’m left trying to figure out how to get back on track. For me, late texts are sometimes just the result of a really, really hectic day.

Best practices for preserving your relationships if you’re a late texter

Setting healthy boundaries around texting and communicating them clearly with the people in your life can help you break free from the cycle of guilt, says Libios. For instance, if you simply don’t text during work, let your family and friends know; if you often forget to respond, let them know that they can definitely follow up with you 12 or 24 or 48 hours later (whatever time frame works for you and your mental health).

In addition to setting and communicating boundaries, Dr. Kahn recommends creating quick text shortcuts that you can fire off for when you don’t have the energy to craft a personalized response. Something as simple as “Hey! I can’t talk right now, but I will respond to this ASAP—thank you for understanding” can buy you the time you need without hurting your pal’s feelings.

You might also dedicate a specific times in your day to texting so that you can lend the task your full attention. Compartmentalizing this task into scheduled bursts can keep your inbox from overflowing at the end of the day and save you from feelings of guilt or overwhelm. It helps keep you prompt, too, resulting in fewer instances of replying late to texts.

As for me, putting communication guardrails in place is helping me preserve my relationships while also giving me the time, space, and grace I need—without any guilt. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to text my mom back real quick.

A love bomb refers to the form of emotional manipulation in which a person—and often a narcissistic person—“bombs” you with an over-the-top amount of affection, flattery, gifts, and praise early in the relationship in order to win over your attention for the purpose of being able to control you. “People with narcissistic personality disorder typically have such a low sense of security in themselves that they get their self-esteem from external validation,” says therapist Mallory Grimste, LCSW. “Since they feel so out of control, they try to control others in order to feel better about themselves.”

A love bomb refers to when a narcissistic person “bombs” you with an over-the-top amount of affection, flattery, gifts, and praise early in the relationship in order to win over your attention for the purpose of being able to control you.

But it’s tough to notice the early signs of love bombing since it generally takes place during the portion of a narcissistic person’s abuse cycle when things are great, says Grimste. (Remember, narcissistic folks do tend to be charming for a period of time.)

So below, experts outline the love-bomb signs to look for in any relationship. Because you definitely don’t want your heart mixed up in one of these highly manipulative situations.

8 signs your relationship is really just a string of love bombs

1. Your partner makes you believe you could do “better”

It’s normal for your partner to want the best for you, but that doesn’t mean criticizing everything in your life in the name of “helping you out.” According to licensed psychotherapist Michele Paiva, a love-bomber expresses what they love about you by placing you on a high pedestal, but when they want more of your attention, they’ll knock down people or things in your life to make you believe you deserve more.

“It’s all in the form of a compliment to you. For instance, they’ll tell you that your sneakers are all wrong, and they’ll teach you how to shop for them,” says Paiva. “Their romance is based on making themselves the hero of every page of their fairy tale that they are trying to create.”

2. They say what you want to hear

A love-bomber does everything in their power to get you on their side, including telling you exactly what you want to hear, even if that means bending the truth. This form of manipulation points reflects the love-bomber’s willingness to do anything to control the situation as a way to ensure they’re receiving affection and attention.

3. You receive expensive gifts—and know how much they cost

Of course, giving gifts isn’t inherently bad. But rather than spoiling you just because, a love-bomber will make you feel indebted. Love-bombers view gift-giving as an exchange, meaning they give to get, says Grimste. “By telling their romantic interest how much they spend on them, they are quantifying their investment in and value of the person,” she says.

4. Compliments are plentiful

Compliments are great, but when a love-bomber is doling them out, they come with a price. “Quid pro quo is the manipulator’s mantra. They know that if they continually compliment, sooner or later, you’ll feel obligated to compliment back—even if you don’t feel like doing so,” says Paiva.

Furthermore, the endless complimenting puts you at risk for being conditioned by the compliments themselves. “You start to become molded into what they want and what they need,” Paiva says, noting that developing this craving for adoration provides the love bomber with control that may lead to you isolating yourself from other people in your life.

5. PDA? Too much, in fact

In addition to the constant complimenting, a love-bomber will probably shower you with physical and digital affection. Think: Touching you and using warm body language in front of your loved ones and posting romantic-leaning posts on Instagram. “They are showing everyone concrete proof that you are ‘into’ them. This form of love bombing is a gaslighting setup to make you seem like a jerk once you try to pull away after you’ve been publicly syrupy yourself,” says Paiva.

6. Your partner may make you believe you did something wrong (when you haven’t)

Ah, gaslighting. Narcissistic people who throw love bombs use this tool to make you feel guilty or confused. “They’ll make you believe that you are responsible for their poor boundaries or behaviors,” says Grimste. “Since they haven’t developed a strong sense of self, any uncomfortable emotions, like fear of not being liked or loved, can feel intolerable. Making this discomfort your fault makes it your responsibility to fix, she adds.

7. You’re expected to supply the affection they want

They expect to always sit next to you, touch you, and see you when they want. And the minute you don’t reply to a text message or mention that you’re too tired to hang out on a given night, they “won’t just get mad, but take things to the extreme,” says Grimste. “[They may] threaten to end the relationship, telling you that you don’t value the relationship, or, in extreme situations, threaten harm to you, loved ones, or even themselves.”

8. That walking-on-eggshells feeling is common

This is another sign you’re dealing with a first-class love-bombing narcissistic person. Perhaps you tried to set personal boundaries, and your S.O. reacted emotionally, leaving you to tread lightly moving forward. “When the victim eases up on showing affection to their significant other who is love bombing, the victim gets berated or has to deal with dramatics in some way,” says Paiva. “They’ll walk on eggshells because anything else will be ‘punishable.’”

Being aware of these signs of love bombing can help you get out of the relationship sooner than later. Because if it feels too good to be true, there’s a good chance it probably is.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please seek help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-899-7323 or thehotline.org

In an effort to keep the mess at bay, I turned to CleaningTok to find a practical way to manage the mess. It was there that I came across a now-viral video from retired firefighter, lifestyle influencer, and busy mom Renee Alyse Belle. In the video, Belle, who also has ADHD, shares how the “one-hour cleaning method” has helped her clean and maintain her blended household of eight.

What is the one-hour cleaning method?

Belle’s one-hour cleaning method involves dedicating a single hour of your time to nothing else but cleaning. At the end of that hour, you can reward yourself with a timed break: Scroll away on socials, binge your favorite Netflix show, or whip up a snack. If you need to get more done, follow up that break with another uninterrupted hour of cleaning. Repeat this method as necessary, breaking up cleaning into focused, timed spurts.

What makes cleaning so overwhelming for some, especially adults with ADHD, is that it’s a never-ending task. Right when you *finally* finish cleaning one area of your home, another mess seems to pop up in its place. For Belle, creating a concrete boundary for cleaning and establishing a period of rest made tidying up more manageable.

“I don’t love cleaning, which is kind of crazy, because my whole TikTok is about it,” Belle says. “This breaks it into all these little bite-sized pieces that I can do and not get overwhelmed, not get too tired. But then I can still feel accomplished at the end of the day, because I know I did these three things and didn’t waste my whole day cleaning.”

One-hour cleaning method tips to try

1. Start with five minutes, then work your way up

Before tackling the full hour, Belle implemented bite-sized cleaning bursts into her routine, slowly working her way up to 60 minutes. If you’ve got a long week ahead and can’t dedicate a full hour to cleaning or find the length of time daunting, try implementing just a few uninterrupted minutes of cleaning into your day, rewarding yourself with a brief break afterwards.

Take it easy, and tack on more time as you go. The goal of this method is to make cleaning less overwhelming, so try it at your own pace.

“Yes, it’s a one-hour method, and that’s kind of your goal,” Belle says. “But if you can only do five minutes, because you have physical limitations, or because it’s upsetting, just start where you are.”

2. Begin cleaning where it matters most

You may have a laundry list (no pun intended) of areas that need some TLC in your house. What’s one area that, if cleaned today, would have an immediate positive impact on your life? Focus on that first, and work your way outwards, says psychotherapist, author, and ADHD expert Terry Matlen.

“Something that I found really helpful, and people I’ve worked with are finding helpful, is going inward and asking ourselves: What is it that I can do, that I need to do, that will make me feel better? Oftentimes, the answer is right there.”

Rather than stress about putting away Christmas decorations or organizing the garage, turn to tasks that will immediately improve your well-being, like washing the dishes, or running a load of laundry. If you end up having some time left over within the hour, you can then turn your attention to less pressing tasks.

3. Practice cleaning as you go

Beyond the one-hour cleaning method, try adopting a “don’t put it down, put it away” mindset, Belle says. Immediately after using something—body lotion, spices, sponges, you name it—put it back where it belongs.

“If I’m not in the one-hour cleaning window, throughout the day, I’ll do little things along the way,” Belle says. “I’m always putting stuff away instead of just putting it down.”

Not only does this small habit prevent larger messes in the future, it also aids the executive dysfunction common in adults with ADHD.

4. Be patient with yourself

If you’ve been putting off cleaning, you’re not alone. Life gets busy and messes happen; after all, we’re human. Plus, cleaning and organizing doesn’t come easy for everyone, and that’s okay.

“We’re so hard on ourselves,” Matlen says. “We don’t need to be fixed. We need to learn how to work with our difficulties, and celebrate our differences, and be around people who celebrate us.”

My experience trying the one-hour cleaning method

Before trying the method, I reflected on the looming cleaning tasks that were affecting my life the most. My growing junk corner was *seriously* interfering with my day-to-day life and had become a major distraction, so I decided to start there. Should I complete it within the hour and have time left over, I would then tackle the dishes, since those had become an eyesore, too.

I set a timer on my phone, asked Alexa to play my go-to workout playlist, and immediately went to work. I decided to work from top to bottom, knocking out the round tabletop first. I started working on the loose pieces of trash, gathering stray receipts and tags as I found them. I then began moving the smaller items on the table to their respective homes, clearing off small amounts of space as I went.

As the hour carried on, I felt laser-focused on cleaning. Setting out with a clear intention to *only* clean helped me stay focused on the task at hand. Usually by this point, I would have allowed myself to get distracted by an old tucked-away photograph or my phone, but the promise of a break kept me fully absorbed in cleaning.

The results

By the end of the hour, I had officially won the battle against my junk corner (hooray!) and even had time left to re-organize my skin care and perfumes. The full hour flew by, and I had become so focused on cleaning that I was genuinely startled by my phone’s alarm at the end of the hour. I felt so focused, in fact, that by the time my rewarded “break” period came around, I decided to keep cleaning for another 15 minutes.

By the end of it all, I had managed to clean my junk corner, the dishes, and the bathroom. Dedicating a short period of time to cleaning allowed me to focus and take care of my messes without feeling like I had lost an entire day to the chore.

“The Western pursuit of happiness has become very problematic,” says organizational psychologist and behavioral scientist, Michael Rucker, PhD, author of The Fun Habit. “It’s not because we value happiness or strive to flourish, but it becomes an over-concern with the many external messages of motivation. Folks who see happiness so far in the distance end up using time for introspection to commiserate the distance between where they are and where they want to be.”

This leads to not utilizing time efficiently and progressively beginning to identify as an unhappy person, according to Dr. Rucker. “Once you get on that downward spiral, it becomes an exercise of confirmation bias, and you start to see things in that negative way as well,” he says. Instead, Dr. Rucker says your time would be better spent focusing on having fun.

Our brains are wired for fun over happiness

“Happiness is a byproduct of fun,” Dr. Rucker says. When we do things that we see as fun, over time, we’ll perceive our lives as being happier. “We used to view happiness as a framework of cause and effect,” he says. “For example, ‘If I get a better job, I’ll be happier.’ But especially in the last 10 years, neuroscience has taught us the brain is algorithmic and more predictive. As we accumulate and index these infectious joyful experiences, we can bias ourselves and train the mind into realizing things are good and I do enjoy myself.”

When we seek happiness, we’re in a constant state of evaluation, which doesn’t benefit us in the long run. “As soon as we train our brains into accepting the agency and autonomy we have over ourselves, joy and overall happiness will slowly but surely automatically increase,” Dr. Rucker says.

How to focus on having more fun over happiness

Dr. Rucker highly recommends doing an audit of how you spend your time and eliminating or delegating anything that isn’t enjoyable wherever possible. “Depending on how many external responsibilities you have, we generally can take control and take back two to five hours a day,” he says.

You can start by looking at your calendar and removing activities or tasks that are no longer enjoyable but habitual. “It’s not about adding to your schedule, but swapping things out that don’t bring you joy,” he explains. “This is why a lot of workplace wellness initiatives don’t work—they’re additive.”

But the real change will come when you notice how great you feel after reclaiming some time for fun. “It’s not selfish,” Dr. Rucker says. “It allows you to show up as the best version of yourself.” If you need more convincing to get over any guilt you may feel, Dr. Rucker has some parting words of wisdom: “Remember, it’s not just for you, but also everyone around you.”

Amidst the social isolation and social distancing, I lost my best friend. A simple conversation got lost in translation and led to resentment, jealousy, and defensiveness. It was more than a friendship; it was a sisterhood with bonds so strong I would’ve bet my life on it lasting forever. But it wasn’t just her I lost. As a new addition to the social group when I moved, it meant in the breakup, I lost about 13 others, too. From needing multiple hands and feet to count my friendships to needing one—just as the old proverb said. I felt like an unlovable failure.

Why do we outgrow friendships?

“As life goes on, we are inevitably shifting and changing—not only personally, but how we relate and engage with other people,” says Madeline Lucas, LCSW, a therapist and clinical content manager at Real. Life changes are a big catalyst in how our friendships grow or end. When I think back to the dismantlement of my former friendship, change played a huge role. “A common reason people may outgrow friendships is that the things they once bonded over are no longer strong enough or present to keep the friendship going,” adds self-care and mental health educator Minaa B, LMSW.

There’s another saying about relationships: “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” While we may want our friendships to live in the ‘lifetime’ box, this isn’t always the case. “The person you were and the space you were in when you started the friendship could look like polar opposites compared to who you are now and the responsibilities you carry,” says Minaa. Lucas adds that many people have a hard time adjusting to our new needs, values, responsibilities, and stages in life—but a changing relationship doesn’t mean you’re a failure, it just means you’re growing. “The best way we can manage these moments is to make adjustments in how we engage, set expectations and boundaries, and stay true to where we’re at before reaching resentment or inner turmoil,” Lucas says.

Is there anything wrong with outgrowing friendships?

While it may be painful, outgrowing friendships is a part of life. There doesn’t always need to be a breakdown or bad blood behind it. “Our relationships play a big role in our mental health. If a person begins to feel a friendship is no longer healthy for them, it’s okay to cut ties or adjust the degree of closeness to honor your emotional needs,” Minaa says. As Lucas points out, the alternative will have greater effects on you. “Sticking with unfulfilling or unsatisfying relationships out of habit or obligation, even if one or both parties aren’t happy —no one, you or your friend, deserves that.”

If it’s a normal part of life, why does outgrowing friendships feel like a failure?

A survey of 1,000 US adults found that nearly 40 percent of respondents had lost touch with nine or more of their friends, with the average loss of seven close friends during the pandemic. While 2020 played a bigger-than-usual role in the drift and loss of relationships, it can happen at any time.

“We live in a society that honors and upholds longevity in relationships,” says Minaa. This misconception of lifetime bonds neglects to include how values, ethics, life stages, and people change—and therefore, so do needs, boundaries, and expectations. “It’s important to recognize that any relationship, regardless of how long you were in it, has value and it’s unrealistic to expect every relationship to last a lifetime,” she adds. “Some are seasonal and that’s okay.”

Outgrowing a friendship can also feel worse than breaking up with a partner, and that’s because of the lack of clarity and closure. “There can be a lot of ambivalence in friendships,” says Lucas. “We aren’t taught how to have tough conversations and set boundaries and potentially even end a friendship, especially like we are when speaking of a romantic relationship.”

What can we do when we feel like we’re outgrowing a friendship?

As we continue to grow within ourselves, it’s important to reflect on the energy and people around us. Minaa suggests assessing whether the relationship needs to end or its closeness needs to be recalibrated.  “It may look like stepping back and forming new boundaries that maintain both the friendship and your well-being,” she says. Lucas adds to reflect on what brought you together, and why it’s different now. “Give yourself some grace. You’re allowed to evolve,” she says. “Allow yourself to lovingly detach from dynamics that are no longer serving you. That doesn’t invalidate the friendship that was.”

I was recently scrolling through TikTok and came across a viral video from Yulia Rose, a Tantric coach. The clip saw her shaking out her body while at the beach, while she explained how just five minutes of daily shaking could help heal stored trauma. So for the past month, I’ve taken it upon myself to do just that.

Can shaking really release stress and trauma?

I am someone with stored trauma. For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled to process and express my emotions. (I’m also a Capricorn, if that helps paint a better picture.) I was quite intimidated before I started this experiment. Was it just another TikTok craze or was I actually going to feel a difference? According to Lucas and certified life coach Alyssa Herrmann, shaking out your body is no gimmick.

“Shaking your body to release stress and/or trauma is commonly referred to as somatic therapy,” explains Herrmann. “The saying of ‘shake it off’ actually holds so much power as it regulates your nervous system. [It] releases any built-up adrenaline, suppresses/oppresses emotions, and connects you to your body while decompressing your mind.”

Lucas describes our trauma and stress as something that clogs up our system. “This charged fight-or-flight energy gets locked up and keeps us stuck on high alert,” she says. “ Shaking out the body allows us to unclog some of that stored energy by completing the stress response and discharging that energy. Engaging our bodies physically through intentionally shaking, tapping, and stretching activates our parasympathetic nervous system and communicates that we are safe and the danger has passed.”

At first, I felt stupid

The first day I tried shaking out my body, I didn’t even know how to move. Five minutes felt like a lifetime. Was I meant to wiggle, jump, stretch, or do the robot? I had no idea. My ego and subconscious quickly got the better of me, and I felt ridiculous, which added to my stress.

Taking a step back to reevaluate, I put on some music and had a dance party, focusing on shaking. It was much more my speed. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. When I dance, I feel so happy, relaxed, and energized as it regulates my nervous system. Shaking does just that.

“Stress and trauma up-regulate the body’s automatic nervous system, which causes an increase in adrenaline, cortisol, heart rate, and blood pressure,” says Herrmann. The life coach, who recently shared a video on how to do it, added, “Shaking out the body helps to bring you back to the present moment, which is where you can connect to your breath and body, and find safety in the now.”

As I knew I was testing this for a month, the idea of daily shaking quickly became something on my to-do list. It was scheduled in my calendar, and while I felt fine at the time, it still felt like a chore. But a few days in, I had a morning where my anxiety was peaking high. I had tried my usual anxiety-relief exercises, but nothing was working, so I tried moving up my 3 p.m. shaking appointment to that moment. It worked. Even though I was moving about like a cardio workout, my heart palpitations decreased, my body started to reset, and my anxiety slowly drifted away. I was shocked and immediately converted.

Long-term shaking

I have to be honest: I’m still not in a formed habit of effortlessly incorporating shaking into my day. I also found it difficult to intentionally bring up my traumas each day to shake them out. I’m still a work in progress, but I know it works, and I know how important it is to deal with those experiences and emotions. “Holding onto stress and trauma can result in psychological and biological changes in our body, which impacts how we engage with the world,” says Lucas. “There is also an impact found in the brain in how we consolidate memories, perceive stress in our environment, how our nervous system regulates itself, and more.”

The good news is that shaking can be done by everyone and there are no dangers in trying it out. Just ensure you feel safe and continue the grounding moment following the exercise, choosing an activity such as enjoying a cup of warm tea. “The essential part of any work with our nervous system is to be able to slow down and reground ourselves,” shares the Real therapist. “Just make sure you are somewhere comfortable and safe in your physical space and have enough time to take a few deep breaths after shaking it out.”

Psychodermatology lives at the intersection of psychiatry and dermatology, studying how one’s mental and emotional health relates to their skin, and vice versa. With only a handful of established clinics across the U.S., psychodermatology is still a fairly new concept in American skin care, which makes sense: When most people have skin issues, they make an appointment with a dermatologist, and when they have mental health concerns, they make an appointment with a licensed mental health practitioner—it’s rare that the two are working together.

But over the past few years, as the conversation around mental health has shifted to the forefront, so too has our awareness of its impact on our complexions—and psychodermatology has emerged to help us keep them clear. Keep reading for what you need to know.

Unpacking the connection between the brain and the skin

The brain-skin connection starts before we’re born. Our skin and central nervous system are created from the same cells in-utero, and remain physically connected with nerves and blood vessels throughout our lives, explains Amy Wechsler, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist and dermatologist and author of The Mind-Beauty Connection.

“We know there is a very complex interplay between the skin and the neuroendocrine systems,” echoes Evan Rieder, MD, a board-certified dermatologist and psychiatrist based in New York City. “But we are still working out the details on all of that.”

While there’s still a lot to learn about how these systems work together, one of the most well-studied areas of psychodermatology to date relates to stress, which is known to exacerbate certain skin conditions. When you’re stressed out, it pushes your body into fight or flight mode and triggers a burst of cortisol (aka the stress hormone), which sharpens your mind and boosts your energy so that you can better navigate the stressful situation. While a quick cortisol spike is okay, chronic stress can throw your baseline levels out of whack. When this happens and your cortisol is spiked for long periods of time, it can trigger a whole host of stress-related skin concerns.

“The same hormones that prepare our bodies for stressful situations are also known to stimulate our oil glands. This leads to an increase in sebum production and inflammation, which translates to stress breakouts,” says Joshua Zeichner, MD, a board-certified dermatologist based in New York City.  “We know that stress has a significant impact on the skin, impairing skin barrier function, slowing wound healing, and worsening a variety of skin conditions, including acne and rosacea. Stress can also lead to facial flushing and rosacea, flares along with worsening of atopic dermatitis, including red, scaly, rashes and itching of the skin.”

From there, it becomes a vicious cycle. Your stress affects your skin, which affects your self-esteem (acne and eczema, for example, have been linked to increased instances of anxiety and depression), which in turn creates more stress.  “For better or worse, your skin can influence the way you feel about yourself and how you are willing to show up in the world,” says Jeshana Avent-Johnson, Psy.D, a licensed psychologist and advisor for Selfmade, a psychodermatology-based skin-care brand. “Not wanting to be seen physically can result in not wanting to be emotionally seen as well.”

Where psychodermatology comes in

Psychodermatologic conditions typically fall into one of three categories: psychophysiological, primary psychiatric, and secondary psychiatric. Psychophysiologic disorders are skin conditions that are worsened by stress (like eczema or acne, which respond to that cortisol spike mentioned above). Primary psychiatric disorders are skin conditions that are fundamentally psychological but have skin manifestations like trichotillomania, an hair-pulling disorder that falls under the obsessive compulsive umbrella. And secondary psychiatric disorders are skin conditions that start with the skin, but have profound psychological effects (like cystic acne and vitiligo). Though these conditions can have varying degrees of severity, it’s worth noting that making an appointment with a psychodermatologist isn’t incumbent on having a particularly difficult skin condition—even something as common as acne can benefit from this type of specialized treatment.

So what does this “specialized treatment” look like in practice? Because skin and mental health are so closely connected, psychodermatology takes a two-pronged approach to address them both for optimal results. Unlike visiting a traditional dermatologist, a psychodermatology appointment will likely include an in-depth line of questioning about your lifestyle in addition to a skin check.

“If you come to see me about a rash, I am not just going to ask you about your skin,” says Dr. Wechsler. With every new patient, she makes sure to inquire about their sleep schedule, mood, relationships, and much more.

Making an appointment with a psychodermatologist isn’t incumbent on having a particularly difficult skin condition—even something as common as acne can benefit from this type of specialized approach.

As far as treatments go, Robert Tausk, MD, a board-certified dermatologist who specializes in psychodermatology and serves as an advisor for LOUM Beauty, describes the process as threefold. The first pillar includes comprehensive dermatological medical treatment, the second is all about stress reduction and lifestyle changes, and the third focuses on topical treatments to address the skin effects of stress. This means that standard care can include a mixture of traditional dermatological practices, like oral and topical medications, combined with psychological interventions, like talk therapy, meditations, support groups, and in some cases, hypnosis.

Should you see a psychodermatologist?

“If you are at a point where you’ve exhausted all medical options and your skin is still flaring, or maybe you’re having depression associated with the skin condition and it is affecting your quality of life, it’s time to think about what else is going on there and look at alternative treatments,” says Dr. Rieder.

For many patients, addressing skin conditions with a psychodermatological approach can be life-changing. “Patients who have a psychological component to their skin condition respond more quickly, more robustly, and in a more sustained way to a combination of dermatological treatment along with psychotherapy and possibly psychiatric medications that address the whole person,” says Josie Howard, MD, a San Francisco-based psychiatrist with expertise in psychodermatology,

However, for the average patient, seeking out psychodermatologic care can be challenging. With only a few providers in the U.S. coupled with insurance difficulties, receiving this type of treatment is time-consuming and expensive.

“There are very few practitioners and limited training opportunities for physicians who are interested in the field,” said Dr. Howard. “Not to mention, there is also so much stigma around seeking mental health care.”

On top of that, “a lot of insurance companies do not pay for this type of treatment,” says Dr. Rieder, “It could be billed as a psychiatry or dermatology visit but with the amount of work required, a lot of people do not accept insurance in this field. If they did, they couldn’t afford to keep their business open.”

In the future, as the line between skin and mental health becomes increasingly central to the beauty conversation, there’s potential for psychodermatology treatments to become more accessible. “[Hopefully] there will be more mental health care providers working in dermatology offices for easy access to patients and better coordination of care between providers,” says Dr. Howard.

Until then, brands like Selfmade and Loum—which were founded with psychodermatologic principles at their center—are doing their part to give people the products and resources they need to deal with their stressed skin concerns at home. Although a serum or moisturizer can’t replace meeting with a professional, for those without access to psychodermatological care, they can help mitigate some of the impact of stress on the skin. Self-care practices that lower your stress levels can also help improve the condition of your complexion.

All’s to say, if you’re dealing with any of the above, know that you’re not alone, and that there are resources out there that can help.

In the sixth episode of the series, Ethan (Will Sharpe) briefly references mimetic desire to explain why his friend Cameron (Theo James) pursued every girl Ethan ever liked. “You have a bad case of something called mimetic desire,” Ethan says. “If someone with higher status than you wants something, it means it’s more likely you’ll want it, too.” This suggests that Cameron wants something not because he thinks it’s valuable but because others have deemed it as such.

As the plot progresses and tensions escalate between Ethan and Cameron, it becomes evident of just how influential mimetic desire can be and the ways in which it takes shape.

What is mimetic desire?

In Girard’s mimetic theory of desire, he posits that desire is fundamentally social. We want what other people want, and moreover that our aspirations are model-oriented, meaning that we desire objects as not an end to itself but as a means to an end, which is to emulate the people we admire or respect.

How does mimetic desire affect your mind?

Girard believed that mimetic desire could be a catalyst for social learning, much in the same way that children look to their caregivers to model behavior. He says, however, that it could also lead to “mimetic rivalry,” which typically occurs when there’s competition over the object of desire or if the object is in limited supply—which is what transpires in The White Lotus, according to neuropsychologist Karen Sullivan, PhD, ABBP, referring to it as the “Cameron Effect.”

“Cameron doesn’t just want Harper, he wants her because it puts him at a social advantage, and because she is already taken, this is where mimetic desire backfires and leads to mimetic rivalry.” —Karen Sullivan, PhD, ABBP, neuropsychologist

“Cameron doesn’t just want Harper, he wants her because it puts him at a social advantage, and because she is already taken, this is where mimetic desire backfires and leads to mimetic rivalry,” she says. She also mentions that mimetic rivalry, separates individuals into two groups—the haves (the people who have the object) and the have-nots (the people who can’t have the object)—“this is the essence of societal violence.”

As much as we like to think we are rational individuals, we can’t help it if we want something that someone else has. This, for example, is common among adolescents or people who are trying to figure out who they are, what they want to be, and how they want to be in the world, according to psychologist Barbara Burt, PsyD, program chair at the College Of Social and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Phoenix. Typically, these individuals look to others for guidance as they develop their identity.

“If you’re operating out of mimetic desire, then you’re looking at what I would call the external locus of control,” says Dr. Burt, as opposed to the internal locus of control. “What the internal locus of control says is, ‘Okay, it’s up to me and what I do versus what other people have or what they do.’” It’s when desires are exclusively motivated by what others have when things can become problematic—and, according to Dr. Burt, “There’s enough evidence out there that if we just do something for an external reason, we’ll ultimately be dissatisfied.”

Objects, too, can seemingly hold a tangible promise of closing the gap between a person and the individual they wish to emulate. Mimetic desire commonly serves as a way to sell products, which is valuable not only in terms of what it does, but it is often a “symbol” of who you are.

In an article written by Bradley Hoos in Forbes, he posits that mimetic desire is often at the crux of effective influencing marketing. “Marketing is the cultivation of desire at scale,” he writes. “If your audience’s role models begin advocating for a product, that audience becomes more inclined to purchase it.”

Dr. Burt thinks that this isn’t just limited to influence marketing, but marketing in general: “In a lot of ways, advertising is the application of mimetic desire.” Dr. Sullivan echoes this sentiment, adding that it is often hard for people to resist its lure and that it can even be “insatiable” because it is hardwired in our biology to have a sense of belonging. “Our biology is telling us, ‘Belong to the group you need’ or, ‘You’re safer in the group’—that’s the message it gives to our brain,” she says, and in this way Cameron’s shameless pursuit of Harper is almost “an animalistic, hardwired thing.”

What’s more, mimetic desire can also play out in ways that go beyond physical items. It can extend to ideas, beliefs, and the practices we associate ourselves with. And when you think about it in the realm of mimetic desire, you might wonder why we do the things we do. Again, the question arises: Is it because we ourselves enjoy it or because of what the doing says about us?

How do you avoid mimetic desire?

It seems mimetic desire is inherent to human behavior, and whether we know it or not, it can influence us in many ways that seem to fall out of our control. While Dr. Sullivan believes that we have free will as humans, it’s “heavily censored” by mimetic desire, as though it were an inescapable aspect of ourselves.

However, Dr. Sullivan says that there is power in knowing, and it can be helpful to acknowledge that mimetic desire, as pervasive as it is, is constantly at play within and around us. “When you bring it to awareness, you can override the unconscious push to do something that’s not in your best interest,” she says.

Dr. Burt says that it can also be helpful to turn inward and revisit what your true personal desires are. She poses some questions you might want to ask yourself, like “Would you still want what you want if no one else wanted it?” and on a deeper level, “Does this thing help you become who you want to become?”

While it will certainly take practice to separate our desires from what others want, especially because humans exist in a community and not in a vacuum, there’s merit in using your own internal senses as you make decisions and consider what external forces may be influencing you at any given time.

So how do Nordic people keep seasonal affective disorder (SAD), which affects 10 million Americans each year, at bay whilst living with so little daylight? To find out, I spoke with Swedish artist Celine Westlund of Studio Celine W, known for her abstract skies and landscapes on social media, about how Nordic people stay happy during winter.

“I’ve lived in Stockholm my whole life, and I am used to dark winters, but somehow I seem to be just as surprised every year,” she says. “Last November, we did not have one hour of the sun for the whole month. We can complain a lot about the cold and darkness, but just as we get surprised when the winter comes, it’s just the same when summer is around the corner—no one takes any season for granted, and I truly believe that we enjoy it so much more because of its contrast and variety.”

With these types of extremes, Westlund shares that it’s helpful to be living in a big city as there are others to rely on during the dark period. “It feels more cozy than just dark and depressing,” she says. “People are friendlier around the holidays, and all the restaurants and bars are always full of people.” Below are three more of her tips for making the most of dark winter months.

Mindset matters

Westlund says living with so little sunlight for many months can take a mental toll, but how you think about it can make things better or worse. It’s common in Nordic countries to try and spend as much time outside in the daylight as you can, depending on your work schedule. But that alone isn’t enough—they also focus on make the most of their evenings, as well. “I get more inspired to have nice dinners, game nights, or just an evening stroll in the city,” she says. “There are lights and music everywhere, and there are always a bunch of people wherever you go. Even when you’re outside the city, families are always out and playing in the snow or out on a walk with friends.” There’s even a Danish term for this outlook on life: hygge.

Here’s how to pronounce it properly: 

So does getting serious about self care

Westlund says the weather absolutely affects her mood, but by implementing tried and tested ways to boost her spirit and take care of herself, she not only gets through the season, but calls winter one of her favorite times of the year. “I burn a lot of candles, take long warm showers, long walks, long dinners with some good pasta, have a bunch of games ready to play when friends come over, and of course—red wine,” she says. “Winter is one of my favorite seasons because of how cozy every day gets. It feels like the weekend every day.” There’s even a

Adjusting your schedule around daylight is also a game-changer

“Since I’m a full-time artist, I can make my own schedule, but generally, I wake up around 7 and start my day slowly to rise with the sun,” Westlund says. From there, she gets to work capitalizing on the natural light for painting or shooting content. “It can be very stressful to have a full admin day when it’s sunny outside because you don’t know when you will have that again,” she says. So it’s not uncommon to prioritize enjoying a sunny day, and tweaking your schedule to soak up some vitamin D while you can.