1. Failure to follow the law or social norms
2. Repeated lying or deceitfulness
3. Impulsivity
4. Aggression and irritability
5. Disregard for their own safety or that of others
6. Consistently irresponsible
7. Lack of remorse for hurting or mistreating others.

However, that doesn’t mean that the other 24 fish-holding, selfie-taking cuties who cross your screen are all paragons of empathy and respect. Some of these folks may not have antisocial personality disorder, but still display sociopathic tendencies. After all, “an individual must meet three or more of the [above] criteria for antisocial personality disorder in order to receive a diagnosis,” explains psychotherapist Courtney Glashow, LCSW, founder of Anchor Therapy LLC. Thus, it’s possible for someone to consistently have a few sociopathic traits without having the diagnosable condition. Someone with sociopathic tendencies might, for instance, lack empathy for others, but still be a law-abiding, job-holding individual, she says.

Dating folks who have any number of these traits can be quite painful. And healing from the wounds they leave in their wake requires self-compassion, as well as a sound support system. Ahead, learn more about why dating someone with sociopathic tendencies can be so disorienting, and how to recover from dating a sociopath (or someone with those traits) after calling it quits.

Why dating someone with sociopathic tendencies can be disorienting

Experts say it is common for people with sociopathic tendencies to use a number of manipulation tactics to wrap people—particularly lovers and romantic partners—around their fingers.

In the beginning, sociopaths and people with those traits commonly use mirroring (mimicking or matching someone else’s verbal cues and body language) or love bombing (employing over-the-top affection, flattery, gifts, and attention) to make you feel instantly connected to them, says Naiylah Warren, LMFT, therapist and clinical content manager at Real. “In romantic connections, it can be hard to distinguish between performative intimacy—such as the intimacy created by those who love bomb or mirror—and genuine intimacy,” she says. As a result, these tactics are unfortunately effective at making someone feel like they’ve met their soul mate.

“It is common for people with sociopathic tendencies to gaslight that the issue is made up in your head, or that your emotions are not grounded in reality.” —Courtney Glashow, LCSW

Later on in the relationship, someone with sociopathic tendencies might gaslight you when conflict arises. “It is common for these people to gaslight that the issue is made up in your head, or that your emotions are not grounded in reality,” says Glashow. The intent of a person with sociopathic tendencies here, she says, isn’t to resolve whatever conflict has arisen or to soothe your emotions, but rather to control their partner. As you might guess, “over time, these tactics make you doubt your own feelings, instincts, and ultimately your view of reality,” Warren says.

Signs it’s time to reconsider the relationship

A relationship with someone with sociopathic tendencies is likely not a healthy one, according to Glashow. Healthy relationships, she says, are marked by mutual empathy, respect, and open communication. These are things that many people with sociopathic tendencies are not able to provide.

As a result, “these relationships often end up feeling one-sided, and result in the person without these tendencies being manipulated,” she says. In extreme situations, the person with sociopathic tendencies may abuse their partner. “If you are dating someone with these tendencies, it is very likely that you experienced emotional abuse at some point in that relationship,” adds Glashow.

As much as you may love this individual, you probably need to leave this relationship, she says, adding that in order for this person to change their sociopathic ways, they would need to get professional help to gain some empathy.

“There is no right or wrong way to get out of a relationship with someone with sociopathic tendencies,” says Glashow. But, she suggests consulting a licensed mental-health therapist who can help you come up with a break-up plan based on your current financial and housing situation, as well as the particularities of your partner. Likely, your plan will involve going no-contact, a whole lot of self care, learning how to trust again, and leaning on your support system. (More on these things below).

How to recover from dating someone with sociopathic tendencies

Yes, dating someone with sociopathic tendencies can be incredibly disorienting. But trust, you won’t feel disconnected from reality forever. These strategies can help.

1. Seek therapy if you’re able

If you’ve been in a relationship with someone who has exhibited sociopathic tendencies and haven’t already reached out to a mental health provider, consider doing so ASAP, suggests Glashow. You’d ideally find a provider who specializes in relationships, trauma, grief, and domestic violence, says Glashow.

“The right provider will be able to validate your experience, teach you how to cope with the psychological impact of the relationship, and help you rebuild both trust in others as well as trust in yourself,” Warren says.

This provider will, for example, remind you (as often as you need to be reminded) that it is not your fault that you fell for that person’s shenanigans. Nor is it any family members’ or friends’ fault that they didn’t see this coming. After all, people with sociopathic tendencies are savants of manipulation.

2. Lean on your support system

Being romantically and/or sexually entangled with someone with sociopathic tendencies can make you feel like you’re living on another planet. Warren says talking to and leaning on the people in your life who don’t have these tendencies can help bring you back to reality. These are the people who have repeatedly proven to be steady, compassionate fixtures, she says.

In addition to helping you learn how to trust again, “your support system [helps] you rebuild the parts of your life that might have been affected by this relationship,” she says. For instance, if you were living with this individual, healing from the relationship will require a relocation. Your support system will be able to put you up for a few days, weeks, or months—or simply help you haul boxes of stuff from your old place to a new one.

3. Connect with others who have been in the same boat

Sadly, you are not the first person who has experienced hurt at the hands of someone with sociopathic tendencies. After having your entire reality called into question, Glashow says finding others through social media who have experienced what you have can be both stabilizing and soothing to have it reiterated that you’re not the only person who has ever gone through this devastation.

It can also re-instill hope, she says. “Likely, you will find someone was able to get out of this type of relationship and grow into an even better person after getting out of the relationship.”

4. Educate yourself

“Reading about a topic can always be helpful,” says Glashow. And that stands when the topic is sociopathic tendencies and antisocial personality disorder.

Educating yourself about sociopathic tendencies and antisocial personality disorder, “can validate what you are going through,” she says. “It can help you understand that they need professional help, it’s not your fault, and it also not on you to change them.”

This article is a great place to start! Other popular books on the topic include: The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, Confessions of A Sociopath by M.E Thomas, and The Sociopath at The Breakfast Table by Dr. Jane McGregor.

2 key differences between a rough patch and a relationship-ending event

The presence—or absence of—trust and respect is a good metric to distinguish between an obstacle to work through together or something that breaks a couple up. Many issues can be worked through if you still trust and respect your partner, according to relationship coach Adelle Kelleher, founder of Coaching Hearts Consulting. For example, even something that can seem major, like if someone was unfaithful, can just be a rough patch if the trust and respect is still there or can be recovered.

The presence—or absence of—trust and respect is a good metric to distinguish between an obstacle to work through together or something that breaks a couple up.

When evaluating whether an event is a bump in the road or the end of the road, Kelleher advises asking yourself how you feel about your partner. “If you are able to communicate through it and afterwards are still able to trust and respect that person from a non judgmental standpoint that could be a rough patch you can move past,” she says. “But if you feel like no matter what, at the end of the day, you’re always going to question them, then that may be the reason for ending the relationship.”

Understanding and accepting your partner’s motivations

Another key piece of distinguishing between a rough patch and a reason to break up is knowing about the motivations behind your partner’s actions, says Jess Carbino, PhD, former sociologist at Tinder and Bumble. If you know what drives your partner’s behaviors, that can help you figure out if something is able to be worked through or not.

Another key metric to look at is whether your partner accepts you for who you are. Dr. Carbino says this doesn’t mean partners have to like everything about their S.O., and that pushing one another and growing together is part of a healthy partnership. But if you feel like your partner is always judging and disrespecting who you fundamentally are and what you value, that’s a relationship red flag you don’t want to ignore.  “If you feel like this person will never fully accept you for who you are or is being critical of you on a regular basis and doesn’t respect you, I think that is the sign that it is not a rough patch, but rather an unbridgeable conflict or issue in the context of the relationship,” she says.

Dr. Carbino adds that everyone has a relationship signature that follows them around in their partnerships—like struggles with intimacy or fears about commitment. Whether or not these patterns become stumbles or end points in relationships is about whether both partners can accept and work through their own signature issues, plus those of the other person. To Dr. Carbino, this is the difference between what’s bent out of shape and what’s broken.

How to differentiate between disagreements and deal-breakers

As Logan Levkoff, PhD, sex and relationship expert, previously told Well+Good, “a deal-breaker is something that challenges your core values.” These are the types of conflicts that will be difficult to sort through because they signal vastly different desires and needs; anything can be a dealbreaker, depending on the person.

For example, would be if two people disagree about wanting children or if they come from vastly different religions, says Laura Louis, PhD, psychologist and founder of Atlanta Couple Therapy. If you find that the boundaries around your values are constantly being pushed or violated, that could be a sign it’s time to head for the exits instead of something to work through together. (Dr. Carbino adds that any kind of abuse, whether physical, emotional, or verbal should be considered a dealbreaker.)

Beyond the presence of trust and respect, conflict resolution is a key indicator of the viability of a relationship

Remember: The presence of conflict itself is not a reason to break up, necessarily because conflict in any relationship—even healthy ones—is inevitable, according to Dr. Louis. And arguing and fighting fairly can actually benefit a relationship by bringing any lingering issues to the surface. Where people run into trouble however, Dr. Louis says, is when conflict happens without communication. She says that if someone stonewalls, or shuts down without communicating, the problems can fester. And not communicating can cause these issues to warp into relationship problems.  But it’s also important to recognize if you find yourself constantly fighting with your partner in a draining, damaging way.

As you progress in your relationship, you may discover that you want different things than your partner. According to Dr. Louis, this also doesn’t necessarily have to mean it’s time to break up, and could signal that it’s a rough patch that can be worked through. “Most couples have perpetual problems where there’s not necessarily going to be a solution, but they can come to an understanding and a place of respect for each other and compromise,” she says. For example, disagreements about money aren’t inconsequential, but they may be able to be worked through if both people make compromises. “It may not ever be completely resolved,” Dr. Louis says, “but if they can compromise, those couples are able to stand the test of time.”

Dear Lia Love,

My girlfriend is jealous and paranoid about me being romantically and sexually interested in other people. She wants to know what I am up to at all times, and feels anxious if I don’t respond to her texts or look at another woman. I find this all irrational and it’s making me become more secretive, even though I am not doing anything wrong. I just want to avoid setting her off again, so I’m withholding. I love her, but her possessiveness is really unattractive to me. Any ideas for how to deal with a jealous partner when you haven’t done anything wrong?

Sincerely,

In Love but Fed Up

***

Dear In Love but Fed Up,

One of the reasons jealousy is so tricky to address is because the emotion itself isn’t a problem, but how we react to it can create major problems. It sounds like what is making you “fed up,” is not your girlfriend’s feeling, but how the feeling is resulting in her attempt to veer into the lane of your autonomy and control your behavior.

Sometimes when we feel threatened, we try to control the world around us to manage the insecurity within us. And while I totally validate that this is a strategy that may pose harm to relationships, it doesn’t absolve you from looking at the part you play in what might be making you fed up. Given that you are the one who is writing in about your distress, I will speak to your responsibility in taking action.

Sometimes when we feel threatened, we try to control the world around us to manage the insecurity within us.

In our relationships, we wish the other person would change their behavior to ease our pain or suffering. But since you cannot control your girlfriend or her behaviors, you must look at your role in the pattern. If we hit an impasse repeatedly or run into the same conflict, we can assume the dynamic is being co-created, and if you don’t change your role, my guess is you will continue to feel stuck and fed up. Exploring how her feelings potentially involve you could be the very thing that helps you deal with a jealous partner.

First, though, a bit on jealously in relationships, because the emotion is often misunderstood: It’s something that arises when we are afraid of losing someone very important to us. I still remember the sunken feeling of the first time I saw my college ex with his new girlfriend. Or when I became a mom and saw my single friends frolicking in the world, meanwhile I was chained to the sofa, breastfeeding and exhausted.

Jealousy can also function as a a sign that someone has an unmet need in the relationship, and they just don’t know how to own and express these needs. Our culture tells us to respond to negative emotions by squashing them, ignoring them, or denying them—but it’s actually when we get closer to them that they loosen their grip. In fact, it’s often the qualities coded as negative that, when investigated, have the most valuable hidden treasures.

Here’s how to deal with a jealous partner and protect your relationship

1. Move toward jealousy rather than away from it

I can see you’ve come to dislike your girlfriend’s response to her jealousy, and therefore might try to distance yourself from it. But what if you do the opposite?

Consider when you’ve experienced jealousy. How did it feel to worry about something being at risk? What ultimately made you feel safe or cared for that enabled you to work through the emotion?

You might also want to get to know more about your girlfriend’s jealousy: What triggers it? Has she had any experiences of her trust being betrayed in the past that might be arising in the present? What is she most afraid will happen if she doesn’t control your behavior? The more space you can create to talk about your lived experiences and how they have shaped you, the more opportunity you have to heal the wounds that may be keeping you stuck in this loop of offense/defense.

2. Be open to your partner’s vulnerabilities and survival strategies by sharing your own

We all have vulnerabilities and survival strategies to protect those vulnerabilities from being exposed. Survival strategies might look like lashing out, trying to control, eye-rolling, or getting defensive. Oftentimes our survival strategies trigger our partner’s vulnerability, and therefore their own survival strategy. Unity can only happen when both parties take down their guards, so let’s help you and your girlfriend do this.

Perhaps your girlfriend’s vulnerability is rejection or being unlovable. If this is the case, she might be masking it with her survival strategy of control. This then this kicks up your survival strategy—perhaps its “fixing” the problem by denying its reality?

Oftentimes our survival strategies trigger our partner’s vulnerability, and therefore their own survival strategy. Unity can only happen when both parties take down their guards.

Regardless of the specifics, it might be helpful to consider: How do you protect yourself when you feel criticized or attacked? What is the vulnerability that might be underneath your protection strategy? Have you expressed what it feels like when you’re accused of things you did not do? Does this remind you of any aspect of your past?

Consider how can you tell her this part of your story instead of trying to convince her not to feel what she feels or reassure her that there is nothing going on. After all, it’s her job to reassure herself. Typically when we feel accused, we try to convince the other that their belief or feeling is irrational in order to make it go away, but this just amps up their emotion.

By being more transparent about your experience, rather than attempting to defend yourself, you are not trying to fix the situation, but instead offering the possibility to be with it in a new way.

3. Create a new story together

When we are in conflict, we often get caught up in the content and neglect to look at what’s really happening between us. In fact, research shows that we’re worst at listening to those we love the most. This might be due to a belief that we can already predict what they are going to say.

Rather than seeing a need for learning how to deal with a jealous partner as what will save your relationship, consider the opportunity you have to ask new questions that elicit new storytelling. The couples that fare the best are not the ones that are the same or have the most in common, but rather the ones that negotiate their differences with deep respect and curiosity.

With care,

Lia Love

While there’s a mountain of evidence showing that social connection is paramount to good mental and physical health and key to fighting off loneliness, it’s certainly possible to have too much of a good thing: Socializing to the point of running out your energetic battery can lead to social exhaustion or burnout, particularly if work or other obligations are also filling up your plate. In turn, a (digital) stack of invitations can quickly go from exhilarating to exhausting—no matter how appealing and fun each one may sound. After all, these invites are all bids for your time, of which you only have a finite amount.

Read on for why you may find yourself with more social obligations in the spring, plus expert advice for managing your social life this season, so you can have fun without burning out.

Why the arrival of spring can make people more social

A tendency to imitate nature

Part of the reason why you may find your phone blowing up with more invites in the spring is because of the ways we, as humans, follow nature’s seasonal cycles—that is, on a biochemical level, according to Viktoriya Karakcheyeva, MD, director of behavioral health at the Resiliency and Well-Being Center at George Washington University’s School of Medicine & Health Sciences.

In general, just as winter brings a slow-down and a hibernation season for nature, it does so for us, too; and as plants bloom and animals return to their full activity in warm weather, so do we. “Winter is a time for turning inward, and there’s less movement and more stagnation in the body,” says psychotherapist Lia Love Avellino, LCSW. “Once spring comes around, we see the flowers bloom, and the weather is more inviting, so it makes sense why we would have the inclination to be out more [with friends].”

“Once spring comes around, we see the flowers bloom, and the weather is more inviting, so it makes sense why we would have the inclination to be out more [with friends].”—Lia Love Avellino, LCSW, psychotherapist

Shifts in our circadian rhythm, which is influenced by light exposure, also play a role in changing our behavior with the seasons; as evidence, consider the fact that we actually get less sleep in the summer months (when there are more daylight hours for socializing and activities) than we do in the winter months (which is also when we tend to feel more sleepy).

The mood-boosting effects of sunlight

Another reason why people may be inclined to be more social in the spring and summer is the opportunity to be out in the sun and reap all its health-supportive benefits.

For starters, sunlight exposure has a powerful effect on mood, triggering the brain to release more serotonin, a neurotransmitter that can influence your happiness and promote calm. The sun also stimulates the production of Vitamin D, which may play a role in mood regulation that helps fend off depression. All of this positive sun-boosted energy could also “make you more open to new information and social experiences, and thus more likely to make plans with friends,” says Dr. Karakcheyeva.

More opportunities for social activities

The fact that it may simply be easier to get together with your friends when it’s not snowing, raining, or freezing may also have something to do with the avalanche of invites come spring and summer, according to psychologist Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD.

Just think about the broader potential for activities in the warmer months as compared to the dark, cold, and sometimes wet winter ones: Enjoying a barbecue, spending time at the beach or hiking up a mountain, having a picnic in a park, and dining al fresco are all fun and often social activities that are much more feasible to do when it’s warm out. And the more you choose to engage in these outdoor activities, the more you might feel inclined to do so (and to invite friends along, too) because of the ways in which spending time in nature can boost your mood and work wonders for your mental health.

The happy nostalgia of warm-weather months

Dr. Rubenstein also points out that many people may associate spring and summer with positive memories from their childhoods—think: spring break or summer vacation, for example. “This can motivate people to seek the same positive experiences and emotions in adulthood by planning events and socializing during the warmer months,” she says.

Certainly, some folks may connect the winter months with just as many happy social memories—for example, memories made with family members around the holiday season—but the nostalgic ties between summer and carefree socializing, in particular, are often deeply ingrained. And this may lead folks to concentrate their social plans during spring and summer months in adulthood, says Dr. Rubenstein.

How to manage your social life as spring arrives in order to avoid social burnout

Don’t ramp up too quickly

If you’re getting an influx of invites all at once, resist the urge to accept them as they arrive, says Avellino. By, instead, easing more slowly into a busier schedule, you’ll be able to more effectively decide how you want to spend your time with friends and clearly evaluate the necessary trade-offs you may need to make in order for that to happen.

In general, it’s important to leave some breathing room in your schedule, at least in the beginning of the warm-weather season. “Our bodies have been more at rest in the winter, so ramping up might actually take a bigger toll than we would like or anticipate,” says Avellino.

Set boundaries

Dr. Karakcheyeva advises taking some time to set clear boundaries for your social life during this period of greater social obligation. To do so, decide what kinds of social activities you’d most like to do, and what days or time periods make the most sense for you to work them into your schedule, taking into consideration other commitments and priorities.

From there, you can set a social boundary around a particular activity or a timeframe. For instance, you might choose to avoid late-night or early-morning hangouts because you want to prioritize sleep; or, you might decide to schedule only one big-group outing during any given week or month, if you know that those kinds of hangouts are more draining for you. Whatever your reasoning, stick with it as a means to determine which social invites you accept and which you turn down.

Once your boundaries are in place, communicate them to your friends and loved ones, says Dr. Rubenstein, so they know the kinds of activities you’ll be interested in doing this season and can hopefully adjust their invites accordingly.

Naturally, these boundaries can—and should—shift with time, particularly if they don’t seem to be working. That’s likely the case if you’re no longer enjoying the company of friends; you feel more sad, irritable, or anxious; you’re unable to make decisions; or you feel physically exhausted after interacting with others, says Dr. Rubenstein. These are all signs that you may be on the brink of social burnout, and you need to ramp things down.

Evaluate each invitation individually

Once your social boundaries are in place, you can more effectively evaluate any invite against those boundaries. Because every invite reflects a choice to be made, you may initially be tempted to make the decision that will avoid disappointing a friend or loved one. But Avellino suggests reframing each invite, instead, in terms of what you want and your boundaries.

To do this, consider conducting a cost-benefit analysis, says Dr. Karakcheyeva. “It might sound selfish, but think about what you would gain from the interaction versus what you would lose—because you might be paying more emotionally than the benefit you’re receiving in return.”

For example, if you’re recovering from a stressful work week and need to sleep, but a friend you haven’t connected with in a while really wants to hang out, you need to decide whether the benefits of seeing them outweigh the costs—and if not, whether there’s the potential for a more balanced compromise. Perhaps that means prioritizing your sleep that night, but making a plan to get coffee or go on a walk with your friend the next day.

Schedule time to yourself

Jamming your calendar full of activities without leaving any free time for you to spend alone is a surefire route to social burnout. Alone time is an essential component of mental health and emotional wellbeing, so Dr. Rubenstein recommends actually penciling it into your schedule.

During that time, “prioritize activities that help you recharge and rejuvenate, such as exercise or meditation,” she says. “This can help prevent burnout by ensuring that you have the energy and motivation to socialize when you do choose to do so.”

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, everyone is a little different in terms of how they like to initiate sex (if at all) and what kinds of sex initiation styles they find, well, sexy. For example, physical cues, like a soft caress or a hand on a lower back, or a verbal mention of sex may be a turn-on to one person and a turn-off to another.

After talking with clients and conducting polls, Marin identified six common sex initiation styles, all of which are detailed below and in her book Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. These distinct categories, though certainly not inclusive of every possible way to initiate sex, can help you better understand how you want someone to approach sex with you and to communicate that in order to really get those sparks flying.

Why it’s worth identifying your specific sex initiation style

The basic idea behind the six different sex initiation styles, Marin says, is to make people more excited and empowered to initiate sex; if you have a good idea of how you and a partner like to initiate sex, you can then do so in a way that improves your sexual experiences and makes you more likely to look forward to sex.

This may be especially beneficial in long-term partnerships, which are subject to what sex therapist and neuroscientist Nan Wise, PhD, calls the “desire curve:” After the honeymoon period wears off—taking the libido-boosting “new relationship energy” with it—your desire for sex with your partner tends to dip, at least a little bit. Pair that with the stress of things like cohabitating and coparenting, which are more common in long-term relationships, and sex can fall even further to the back burner.

When sex becomes less of a regular experience in a relationship, understanding how to initiate it effectively becomes all the more important for actually having it. Unfortunately, Marin says, many couples aren’t very direct about what they want or how they’d like a partner to get things going, and can’t articulate exactly how their partner would like them to initiate, either. The result? Initiating sex gets confusing or tiresome, which just leads you to have even less of it. “It could be that you’re just grabbing at each other, or you’re trying to give each other a signal, but the other person is just not picking up on it,” she says.

That’s where understanding your sex initiation style comes into play. Knowing exactly how you like sex to be approached and communicating that with a partner can help bridge the initiation gap and make sex a more seamless, frequent experience in your relationship.

“When we’re initiating sex, we want our partner to say, ‘Yes,’ which is why it’s helpful to appeal to them in a way that feels welcome and exciting.”—Vanessa Marin, LMFT, sex therapist

While not everyone will subscribe to just one of Marin’s sex initiation styles, the idea is to create a starting point for a conversation about what welcome and pleasurable initiation looks like to you and to a partner. Naturally, these answers might not be the same—but that’s totally okay, she says.

The key here is to identify each person’s sex initiation style (or version of a style), so that both of you can initiate sex in a way that’s pleasurable to your partner. “When we’re initiating sex, we want our partner to say, ‘Yes,’ which is why it’s helpful to appeal to them in a way that feels welcome and exciting—and not like a bother or an annoyance,” says Marin.

6 sex initiation styles, according to a sex therapist

1. “Excite me”

The people who identify with this sex initiation style want sex to be an event they can look forward to and get excited about in advance. Marin says drawing out the anticipation of sex is part of the reward here. “Initiation for these folks is a slow burn,” she says.

Scheduling sex may really resonate for people who have this initiation style, as will “teasing looks and knowing touches” to get them going, says Marin. These folks also typically enjoy openly talking about having sex, as a way to ramp up their mental excitement for it.

2. “Take care of me”

People who fall in this bucket need to feel fully safe with and nurtured by a partner before they get busy. Especially if they’ve had a stressful day, they’ll want to be cared for by a partner in order to get in the right headspace to be intimate. To be sure, that doesn’t have to be a huge lift; even a partner offering to do a couple chores or errands could do the trick, says Marin.

“You have a hard time closing all the tabs in your brain and shifting into sexy mode, so you appreciate when your partner takes over and gives you a few minutes of time for yourself beforehand,” says Marin, of people who resonate with this initiation style.

3.”Play with me”

Sex is at its best for people with this initiation style when it’s fun and light-hearted. “The fastest way to get into your pants is to make you laugh,” says Marin, of folks who fall into this camp. “You don’t want sex to feel serious all the time, and your partner definitely does not need to seduce you.”

Inside jokes signaling that it’s time for sex—for example, sending each other a specific emoji via text or cueing up a particular song—are good ways to get things going with people who enjoy making play an element of sex.

4. “Desire me”

Someone with this sex initiation style needs to feel their partner’s clear and unwavering desire for them and know, deep down, that they’re wanted and needed. “It’s an intensity of emotion that they’re looking for,” says Marin. This might include explicitly telling them how badly you want and need them to get their engine revving.

5. “Connect with me”

This type of person needs some version of emotional connection before physical connection can get started, says Marin. “If you just touch them, or you try to pull some sort of physically sexy move, they likely won’t respond to that because they want to feel emotionally intimate with you first.” This might just look like asking about their day (and really listening to the response) or choosing to put your phone down and engage in a fully present conversation.

6. “Touch me”

By contrast to the last initiation type, this one refers to the kind of person who will respond well to physical touch (with their consent). Words aren’t the best method to initiate with someone who identifies with this style. “You like [your partner] to appeal to your body first,” Marin says, of a person in this bucket.

This is someone who will respond well to passionate touching, such as surprise kisses and back rubs. “For this person, it’s not so much about feeling desired by a partner,” says Marin. “It’s more about feeling like their partner is willing to put the time into awakening their body.”

This study, which was conducted by researchers from the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP), adds to the mountain of evidence about the impacts of positive parental/child relationships on our lives. It found that the participants who reported higher levels of communication, warmth, academic expectations, time spent together, relationship or communication satisfaction, and inductive discipline (i.e. positive reinforcement and natural consequences) with both their parents also reported having much higher levels of general health than those who rated these relationships low.

The study was conducted over a period of 14 years and involved more than 15,000 adults. They filled out questionnaires about their relationships with their primary caregivers when they were between 12 and 17 years-old. When these same people were between 24 and 32 years old, they self-reported their current levels of depression, optimism, stress, substance abuse, nicotine dependence, and other measures of general health. The study also found lower levels of unexpected pregnancy among the people who reported positive relationships with their parents.

You may be thinking back to your teenage years and shuddering in embarrassment, but you did a lot of growing during that period. The study examined this chapter of life because “there is stunning physical growth, remarkable brain maturation, and so many tremendous new opportunities for learning about the world and how to function in it” when people are between 10 and 20 years-old, says Carol A. Ford, MD, chief of the Craig-Dalsimer Division of Adolescent Medicine at CHOP and lead researcher of the study. “Young people are developing emotional maturity and making decisions and choices about behaviors that can influence lifelong trajectories of health,” she adds.

Dr. Ford and her colleagues looked at people who functioned in parental roles as well, not just mothers and fathers. (Dr. Ford says 75 percent of the participants were at home with their biological parents and 25 percent were not.) What mattered wasn’t necessarily the biological relationships, but rather the consistent love, support, role modeling, and guidance people received (or didn’t) from the people who fulfilled the roles of their primary caregivers. These “strong relationships with grandparents, adoptive parents, or other adults functioning as parents in the home are important and helpful,” Dr. Ford adds.

But what if healthy parent-adolescent bonding wasn’t your reality?

If you grew up in a home with tough family dynamics and a difficult relationship with your parents, don’t fret because Dr. Ford says that the findings do not in any way mean that people with poor parental relationships are destined for poor health outcomes down the road—just that teens who didn’t have these positive bonds require extra support.

Dr. Ford points out that community interventions and the presence of other adults like extended family members or other trusted adults in the community like schools, after-school programs, sports, and churches can also positively impact teens and their health in real time, as well as in the future.

“Sometimes there are other adults who really step up to help, and it is important to appreciate their roles,” she says. She also points out that adults who have been able to “successfully navigate challenging times during their adolescence are sometimes exceptionally understanding of adolescent hardships and choose to help other young people on their journey.”

“Even those who experience significant childhood trauma can—with appropriate support and perseverance—create new patterns that lead to better mental and physical health in the short and long-term.”—Carla Marie Manly, PhD, clinical psychologist

This extra support can also help adults, too. With work and support, it’s possible to mend wounds from difficult family dynamics. Carla Marie Manly, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Joy From Fear, focuses much of her work on healing from past traumas, including difficult childhoods, and says that she’s seen many people do so.

“Although negative childhood environments and a lack of connective parenting certainly take their toll, humans have the capacity to be incredibly resilient,” Dr. Manly says. “Even those who experience significant childhood trauma can—with appropriate support and perseverance—create new patterns that lead to better mental and physical health in the short and long-term.” She says that it’s possible to create positive patterns and behaviors in the brain that promote better overall health, physically and mentally, and recommends working with a therapist to begin.

How to get support to heal from tough family dynamics as an adult

Healing as an adult from trauma you experienced as an adolescent or teen takes work, but is possible with help and guidance. Kara Kays, LMFT, regional clinic director at Thriveworks, emphasizes that while it’s important to think about the past, what really matters is focusing on the future. “We are the creators of our own experience, so if you’re looking at childhood and adolescence what’s really important for decreasing the risk now is taking care of yourself,” she says.

What does that look like? Therapy, including inner child and inner teen work, can help. According to Dr. Manly, parenting-related childhood wounds that are “mild or moderate” can heal over time through a combination of healing processes like journaling, mindful self-reflection, and forgiveness. She also says reading self-help books can help, too. Kays suggests working on self-awareness and emotional regulation skills to decrease the risk of childhood trauma haunting you later in your life.

However, Dr. Manly says psychotherapy is a better fit for those working through deeper, more-intense trauma related to their childhoods. “In my clinical practice, I find that an attachment-based method blended with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) can work wonders for healing childhood wounds,” she says. “As an EMDR clinician, I also find this a very helpful approach when trauma has occurred.”

If you grew up with difficult family dynamics, Dr. Manly emphasizes that it’s not your fault and that you should not blame yourself because the kind of home you grew up in is beyond your control. However, you do have some degree of control of the future. “We can’t change the past, but we certainly have the power to change our inner and outer worlds to foster health, well-being, and joy,” she says.

When my husband James and I first got together eight years ago, it was in a monogamous relationship. But after we built a loving, trusting partnership—one that alleviated the emotional baggage I carried from a prior abusive relationship—I found that I was able to access parts of myself that I’d previously closed off. I discovered that I was a cuckquean (a woman who is aroused by her partner having an affair with another woman) and that I wanted to open up our relationship.

The idea of James sleeping with other women drove me mad with jealousy, and yet that jealousy felt so intensely good. The best way to describe this experience is that, because I felt emotionally secure within my relationship, I could sit in the fiery sensation that jealousy conjures without burning alive; it warmed and exhilarated me rather than consuming me.

The prospect of actually engaging in this fantasy, however, sparked loud, conflicting voices in my head. One voice promised that this lifestyle would make our relationship all the more fulfilling, while the other warned of the opposite. I was fighting with myself, but one feeling remained consistent: I loved James, and I also wanted to explore pleasure beyond ourselves.

Over the past four-plus years together, we’ve done just that, carefully weighing the pros and cons of non-monogamy and crafting a version of it that suits us both. The process has been a gateway to personal and relationship growth and enhanced pleasure. But it certainly hasn’t always been easy or linear.

Mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure and offers little guidance on anything outside of it, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark.

I’ve noticed non-monogamy becoming increasingly popular, but even so, mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure that offers little guidance on anything outside of that, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark. Below, I share how I’ve learned to navigate the fear and jealousy that can arise with non-monogamy and the advice I offer clients who aim to do the same.

5 tips to manage fear and jealousy when embracing non-monogamy with a partner

1. Discuss both the upsides of non-monogamy and of your individual relationship

Clear communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but it is especially important when you’re aiming to open up a relationship or fundamentally change its structure. By talking candidly about why you have the desire for a particular version of non-monogamy or a monogamish relationship with a partner, you also have the chance to address the what-ifs, which can help quell fears that arise naturally because of what is still unknown.

Here are a few questions that my husband and I considered when we discussed opening our relationship:

• What sides of non-monogamy interested me? And why?
• Was he interested in a monogamish relationship? If so, why?
• What were our biggest fears when it came to embracing non-monogamy?
• What role would each of us play?
• What boundaries needed to be established?

In figuring out how you and a partner could both stand to benefit from non-monogamy, it’s equally important to reiterate what you value in the relationship you share with each other, according to sex and intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau. “Maybe you two nest and co-parent really well together, but sexually you’re both dominant,” she says. “You may then want to get that need met somewhere else, while still recognizing that you have these other terrific connection points.”

The clear recognition that your current monogamous relationship has real value can help mitigate some of the natural fear and jealousy that can come with inviting others into the fold.

2. Define how you’ll each continue to be included in each other’s pleasure

When my husband and I were first embracing non-monogamy, I felt jealousy at the realization that I would no longer be the singular or even primary source of his sexual pleasure.

Beneteau defines this type of jealousy with an equation: turn-on + exclusion. “You don’t get jealous if your husband is doing their taxes with someone else,” she says, of exclusion without the turn-on.

Because our version of non-monogamy would involve sex acts with others, the antidote to jealousy was in figuring out how we could reduce feelings of exclusion and continue to be included in each other’s pleasure, both sexually and otherwise. This involved adopting the fundamental understanding that love and sex aren’t innately or always connected, and setting clear boundaries around our sexual relationships with others, so each of us felt included in those decisions.

3. Use self-reflection to examine the true source of your fears around non-monogamy

Typically, pain and fear are survival mechanisms that spring from perceived threat. The important thing to note, though, is that many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy—that “real” love is monogamous love, that we should search for “the one,” or that we should be able to have all our needs met by one person.

Many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy.

By taking “an intellectual look at the fears we feel [surrounding non-monogamy],” or following them with an objective lens, we can determine whether they’re actually true to us or are just stemming from the monogamous narratives that have been imparted onto us (and no longer serve us), says sociologist and relationship consultant Elisabeth “Eli” Scheff, PhD.

To do that, try implementing a self-reflection practice, such as journaling, to track your fears to their cores, and decide whether or not they have real merit. Understanding that the root of my fears around non-monogamy was in the societal narratives I once harbored has helped liberate me from those stories—and it could do the same for you.

4. Take small steps toward non-monogamy

Trial and error can feel intimidating when it comes to transitioning a monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous one—which is why gradual steps are key to success. Here are a few exercises from my personal tool kit to help you test the waters when you’re managing feelings of fear and jealousy:

1. People-watch with your partner with the intention of sharing whom you find attractive.
2. Have an ethical porn date during which you watch porn and play together or separately (be it in different rooms or through mutual masturbation).
3. Explore online dating apps, either as a couple or separately. Start by chatting only, increasing engagement as you both see fit.

These items are meant to be entry-level actions you can take, with low emotional risk, to gauge how each of you feel when your partner is thinking about or engaging with someone else. The point is to communicate at every stage what works and what doesn’t so you can either continue forward or recalibrate accordingly. This way, you don’t risk accidentally pushing things too far too quickly in a way that leaves one or both partners feeling hurt.

5. Remember that *you* are always your primary partner

Being your own primary partner means “you are not willing to lose yourself for the sake of any relationship, and that anybody coming into your space just has the power to enhance it and bring something juicy, new, and fun,” says Beneteau.

What I love about this concept is that it shifts the focus from feelings of fear and potential inadequacy to individual empowerment.

The structure of your relationship has less to do with the success of it than the quality of the relationship itself.

When my husband and I transitioned from monogamous to monogamish, I navigated some frustration. I could feel that this was the right path for me, and yet, I was terrified of the consequences. What I learned, however, is what you bring to a relationship—trust, honesty, communication, love, respect—will best determine the longevity of that partnership and how satisfied you are within it (not whether it’s monogamous or non-monogamous or somewhere in-between).

As a result, it’s especially important to tend to your relationship with yourself if you find that you’re facing fear and jealousy in the pursuit of non-monogamy. “The relationship you have with yourself is foundational in how you move through the world,” says Beneteau.

One way to strengthen that relationship to self is to set your own pleasure as your compass. By reflecting on your desires for non-monogamy and following the path that you believe will bring you the most pleasure—even in the face of your fears—you’ll move toward your authentic self and a more fulfilling relationship, too. The journey will likely involve ample communication and trial-and-error, but remembering that it’s ultimately all in the name of your pleasure can help mitigate emotional setbacks and make it that much more rewarding in the end.

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m a writer and a reader, a rom-com-drama watcher and a sunbather. I find competition difficult to enjoy because I feel sad that one person or team has to lose. I founded my high school recycling club and my college sustainable fashion collective, I give monthly to the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), and I have only ever lived in California or New York. I grew up next to a golf course, but never set foot on it until I was a full-fledged adult. So, yeah, sports and rain and country clubs and, well, golf were just never my thing for most of my life.

So when I chose to travel from Los Angeles to attend the Masters golf tournament with my husband this April, I was reminded of something my sister asked when I was enthusiastically zipping up my vest (vest!) one of the few times I’ve gone golfing: “Who even are you?”

Hobbies and interests are something that individuals in a couple might share or do separately. Shared hobbies may be a way to spend time together, while solo hobbies can be a vehicle for some much-needed solitude. I, for one, aim to understand and participate in some of my partner’s hobbies to get to know him better and spend time with him. To me, that’s an act of love that comes with the upside of sometimes having some really fun days.

But while you’re enjoying those days at the golf course—or the soccer pitch, the rock concert, pottery studio, scuba-diving lesson, or crochet club—how do you know whether in the act of embracing your partner’s hobbies, you might actually be losing yourself?

How I came to tolerate, nay, enjoy golf

It all began on my couch five years earlier, to the exact weekend in Brooklyn, New York. My then-boyfriend, now-husband Ryan was watching the Masters in our small Williamsburg apartment. “It’s peak golf!” he said, while I grumbled about the constant sound of subdued sports that I was unable to escape because of said small apartment. Then I spotted someone: a ruddy-faced, polo shirt-wearing golfer with an uncanny resemblance to a 1980s high school movie villain. “Who’s that?” I asked. It was Patrick Reed, the frontrunner for the tournament. Soon, I found myself on the couch, yelling at the screen for Reed to miss, dammit! I wondered how all the other players were letting this total Steff McKee run away with this?

When Reed ended up winning the 2018 Masters and donning “the green jacket”—perhaps the most iconic perk of coming in first place at the tournament, which also includes snagging millions of dollars—I think I might have thrown something.

Throughout the next half-decade, my stance on golf changed. I started to learn the names of the golfers. I call my favorites—Jordan Spieth, Collin Morikawa, and Viktor Hovland—my “boyfriends.” I still won’t, you know, actively put a golf tournament on TV myself. But if Ryan has one playing, I’ll contentedly watch it, comment, and root for my boyfriends. That golf course at the end of my family’s street? Yeah, I started attending the annual tournament there, and found watching golf in person to be genuinely enjoyable, what with the walking around outside, cheering with the crowds, seeing famous golfer butts (golfers have good butts, you heard it here), and plopping down on the grass with a refreshing beverage.

During the pandemic, I even started playing golf a bit, since it was a safe outdoor way to see our friends. Now, the restaurant/bar at our local nine-hole course is one of my favorite places to hang out. You won’t catch me on a full 18-hole course, though. That’s still just Ryan’s thing.

Undeniably, golf has become a part of not just Ryan’s life, but our life as a couple, too. So much so that when I got the opportunity to attend the Masters tournament at the Augusta National Golf Club thanks to an experience provided by tournament sponsor Mercedes-Benz, RSVP-ing yes wasn’t even a question. The Masters is the most important golf tournament in the world, and it is such an exclusive sporting event for spectators that you can’t just buy tickets for it—to even have the privilege to buy a ticket, you have to enter a lottery that many people go their whole lives entering every year and never winning.

I knew Ryan wanted to go, and I deeply wanted to grant him that opportunity. Making him that happy would make me happy. But I wanted to go, too.

So there I was, sitting in the rain in Georgia, glad that my boyfriend Collin Morikawa birdied the fourth hole, but bemoaning with Ryan and some chatty poncho-wearing ladies behind us that he really didn’t have a chance. That it looked like Brooks Koepka was going to run away with it.

Had I gone too far in taking on my husband’s hobby as my own? Am I actually really enjoying this? Am I still me?

Had I gone too far in taking on my husband’s hobby as my own? I’d flown across the country and road-tripped from Atlanta to Augusta in the new Mercedes-Benz luxury EQS SUV on just four hours of sleep (luckily, the seats have massage settings and driver assist cruise control to keep you comfortable safe even when you’re sleepy). I’d given up the distraction of my iPhone since there is a policy of absolutely no cell phones on tournament grounds. I’m dropping hundreds of dollars on merch, I am braving a torrential rain storm, and I am walking 20,000 steps a day, all in the name of golf. Am I actually really enjoying this? Am I still me?

The value of a hobby—particularly common hobbies with your partner

“Hobbies are really important to developing our sense of self, our sense of agency, to knowing that we can learn new skills, and learning that we can practice something and be consistent,” says couples therapist Sara Stanizai, LMFT. “There are so many benefits to having hobbies that people forget to mention.”

Your hobbies and interests are a part of who you are and can also play into the way you spend your time. That means they’re part of what you bring to your relationship and the life you build as a couple. Bringing a sense of curiosity to the way your partner wants to spend their time is important, because it’s a way to truly know and see them. “Having a conversation about the purpose, the function, what the hobby means to each person, can help develop empathy,” Stanizai says. “You might be surprised by what you learn.”

There are a couple of things that can happen when you choose to actually participate in a partner’s hobby: The first is that maybe you really are just doing this for your person as a way to spend time with and bond with them, and not for the activity itself. That can be a healthy part of the give-and-take of a relationship.

“Showing up for your partner, doing the things we don’t want to do just because we care about this person, is a sign of flexibility and the ability to compromise.” —Sara Stanizai, LMFT

“We definitely want to make sure that when we’re doing [a partner’s hobby], we’re doing it with the intention of like, okay, this is important for my partner,” Games says. “I want to support them, I want to be encouraging of them, and I want to bond with them.” Furthermore, says Stanizai, “showing up for your partner, doing the things we don’t want to do just because we care about this person, is a sign of flexibility and the ability to compromise.”

While taking an interest in your partner’s hobbies is reflective of give-and-take in a relationship, Stanizai points out doing so is not akin to quid pro quo or the presumption that there will be reciprocation. “In relationships, when you start doing something and are expecting something in return, it sets you up for failure and disappointment,” she says. However, if you communicate to your person that you are doing something to be with them, to understand them, and to make them happy, it’s reasonable to ask (with “ask” being the operative word here) that they do the same for you, further enriching your bond.

How to ensure you don’t lose yourself in your partner’s hobbies

Games thinks of a relationship like a Venn diagram: your circle, your partner’s circle, and the overlapping relationship oval. Ryan playing 18 holes once or twice a week is in his circle, as is skiing and waterskiing (which I have tried and resolutely not clicked with, as my sore butt and pulled hamstrings can attest). But going to tournaments, hanging out at our local nine-hole course, and sometimes watching golf on TV is in the center. So is going to the beach and to concerts, hiking, traveling, doing yoga, and making up nicknames for our dog. On my side: going to opera with my sister, running, nightly journaling and writing, and watching Gilmore Girls for the umpteenth time. I wouldn’t be opposed to playing nine holes with a girlfriend, even without Ryan, but it hasn’t happened yet. I guess golf hasn’t quite made it to just my side of the circle.

But in general, having a full center of the Venn diagram, as well as robust separate sides, is the key to both investing in each other, and maintaining individuality.

“Really be intentional about nourishing your circle,” says couples therapist Genesis Games, LMHC. “As much as we want to bridge our lives together, and that is absolutely healthy…we still want to hold on to our side of the circle. Even if some things in that circle become irrelevant or obsolete as we change, there should still be some other things on our side of the circle. Our side of the circle should not be empty.”

Stanizai notes that it’s easier to achieve this balance when you come to a relationship with a strong sense of self in the first place. And while she doesn’t think the balance of activities has to be 50/50 “as long as both people are getting their needs met,” if you find your circle a little bit anemic, that’s the time to examine whether you are staying true to yourself.

Part of that sense of self is not just what you do, but what you believe. For me, that meant being at this specific tournament made sharing in this hobby with my husband tricky. Country clubs are exclusionary by nature, and until relatively recently at Augusta National and many other clubs, that has meant mostly only white men have been granted membership thanks to “unspoken” policies and “silent pressure,” according to Golf Digest.

Augusta admitted its first Black member in 1990, and its first female members in 2012 . Previously, women were allowed to accompany men, but not become members themselves. Not to mention, the name of the tournament itself doesn’t quite sit well: Despite the fact that “Masters” may refer to “mastery” over the sport of golf, it’s hard to disconnect the word from its association with slavery and racism. I also have trouble making sense of the not-so-eco-friendly maintenance of the fairways and greens, and the fact that golf requires expensive equipment and course fees, rendering it financially inaccessible to many.

Taking on new hobbies you share with your partner to any magnitude of enjoyment may indeed reflect a change in you—but is that okay?

So even as I was taking in the splendor of it all while at the tournament, I felt uncomfortable fully buying in. But, according to Stanizai, it is not a prerequisite to agree with every aspect of something in order to participate. Even so, when some of the values associated with an activity are out of whack with your own, it can be an opportunity to pause and reflect about your identity. Herein lies the crux of the matter: Taking on new hobbies you share with your partner to any magnitude of enjoyment may indeed reflect a change in you—but is that okay?

The value in being open to personal growth and change

As I cheered for golfers making impossible putts and watched the scores roll in on analog scoreboards, I wondered how much I earnestly cared about it all and how much was performative, in support of Ryan’s hobby? We’d spent the final tournament day watching 37 holes of golf over 12 hours in the crisp and gorgeous sunshine. Clinking champagne flutes at the end of the day with the president of Mercedes-Benz back at the sponsor’s luxurious hospitality cabin to celebrate the ultimate victory of Mercedes-Benz sponsored player Jon Rahm made us feel like we were actually part of the winning team, and I certainly did not feel that sadness for the losing runner up I usually experience while watching sports. I was clearly teetering toward being more earnestly invested in golf. Is that a form of self-erasure for having previously not cared at all? Or is this just a somewhat unexpected and maybe even fun part of who I am now?

The people we surround ourselves with are constantly having an impact on our interests, personalities, and values.

Both Games and Stanizai say that the people we surround ourselves with are constantly having an impact on our interests, personalities, and values. My husband and I overlap on a lot of those points, and on the things that we want out of life, but we are also different people and we diverge on some of those things, too. Our differences, in fact, are one of the reasons that our relationship contains growth.

If your partner is one of the biggest relationships in your life, it makes sense that they would have an impact on you. You can still be you even if you’re not living your life in 100 percent the same way you were before your partner came into the picture. “Parts of us evolve with different people in our lives,” Stanizai says.

As another guest of Mercedes-Benz and I picked our way through the mud and shielded ourselves from the rain with giant umbrellas, she mused “oh, the things we do for love.” She was also attending in part because it was a dream of her partner’s.

We laughed and I thought, Yes. The things we do for love. But also, the things love does to, and for, us.

With regard to shared hobbies—or even dipping your toe into kind-of, sort-of enjoying a hobby that is squarely your partner’s—there’s value in embracing the personal shift as an opportunity to open your mind and deepen your relationship’s bond. “It’s a part of joining life together and building a life together,” Games. “It can be nice that you get to talk, and you get to bond, and you get to see this other side of your partner and how passionate they get.”

After officials called an end to Saturday’s tournament early because of rain, Ryan had to dash out of the Mercedes-Benz clubhouse and back to the 12th hole where we had placed our chairs (at the Masters, you can put small golf chairs down on the sidelines any time anywhere with the expectation that you will come back to them later, and they will still be there. Because, like, “courtesy and decorum”). Our chairs were at an area called “Amen Corner” because the idyllic view contains a grass covered bridge over a serene lake and verdant old trees over which the sun sets. Though it was raining so hard that golfers could no longer continue playing, Ryan shared later that when he got to the mostly deserted Amen Corner, he just sat there, alone in the rain, letting the view and the moment wash over him. When I picture him there, taking that moment for himself, my heart swells.

“Anger is an easier emotion to grasp rather than true sadness,” says Christie Kederian, EdD, a psychotherapist and dating coach. “Often, anger is described as the secondary emotion whose root is sadness. In breakups that aren’t someone’s fault, the primary emotion of sadness is easier to access than anger. When there is no one to blame, you are left confronting the true grief of the loss.”

“In breakups that aren’t someone’s fault, sadness is easier to access than anger. With no one to blame, you confront the true grief of the loss.” —Christie Kederian, EdD, psychotherapist

No-fault breakups sometimes may have a complete lack of any emotion at all, though. A mutual breakup can be easier to move on from, according to Lisa Lawless, PhD, an AASECT-certified psychotherapist specializing in clinical psychology, relationships, and sexual health. Whether due to a lack of chemistry, different life goals or values, or an unwillingness to commit, a truly joint decision can be easier to accept because “both partners see that it was not a good match,” she says.

What’s more likely, however—even in the event of clear incompatibility—is that one person initiates the breakup, and an emotional disparity is what remains. “It is crucial to recognize that the person who decides to end the relationship often has had the opportunity to accept the decision and may be more at peace,” says Nazanin Moali, PhD, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist. “This discrepancy in emotional processing can create an imbalance in the healing process, making it more challenging for the person who did not initiate the breakup to move on.”

Dr. Moali also says this dynamic can create a sense of powerlessness—and the endless replaying of “what if?” scenarios. “This lack of control can lead to increased anxiety and distress, as the experience implies that such an event could happen to us again, and it’s harder for us to identify ways to prevent or mitigate the risk of similar situations in future relationships,” she says.

Another negative-leaning result of a nebulous ending to a relationship is self-blame. “People end up blaming themselves because when there is someone to blame, it’s easier to release difficult emotions,” says Dr. Kederian.

Dr. Kederian adds that self-blamers often take the negative thought-processing a step further: “The other person can often feel like there’s something wrong with them and not that they did something wrong, which ends up leading to shame rather than guilt.” Whereas guilt results from feeling as though you made a specific mistake, shame stems from feelings that you, in general, are the problem. “The shame that lingers after a no-fault breakup can be very detrimental.”

How to move on from a no-fault breakup

Acceptance is often the hardest step for those on the receiving end of a no-fault breakup. “Accepting the breakup is vital, and your willingness to accept the split will make the grieving process much shorter,” says Dr. Lawless. Still, she adds, these breakups “can cause people to feel lost and unclear about what they want in a partner” and suggests self-exploration as a first or early exercise following the event.

Dr. Kederian recommends revisiting what you’re looking for in a relationship. “Be clear about how that person fit and didn’t fit your criteria,” says Dr. Kederian. “Often we overlook certain things that are important to us about a person we are with, but when we are honest, the relationship may not have actually been what we hoped.”

If possible, Dr. Kederian also suggests not waiting too long to continue to date. For some, Dr. Moali notes, “one loss might trigger memories of previous losses and lead to a sense of despair.” A therapist who can help guide them with navigating this mental process.

No matter how quickly or slowly someone accepts the breakup and starts dating again, though, it’s important to be patient as they “feel the emotions associated with the breakup to process them effectively,” says Dr. Moali.

Nevertheless, the seemingly unending grieving process in these relationships can also be compounded by the fact that, because there was no “villain,” the exes may have a higher likelihood of remaining in each other’s orbit—either thanks to commingling social circles and social media, or, in some cases, an attempt to carry on as platonic friends. It can be difficult to know the best path forward—but the following four steps can help.

4 tips for processing and moving on from a no-fault breakup

1. Set boundaries with mutual friends

It’s possible to preserve shared friendships while avoiding potentially uncomfortable situations. “Reach out to mutual friends and let them know that you are still interested in maintaining contact but would prefer one-on-one interactions due to the circumstances,” says Dr. Moali.

She also suggests informing them up-front that you would prefer not to hear updates about your ex: “Sometimes friends may feel obligated to take sides or share information about the other person, which can reopen old wounds for everyone involved. By setting clear boundaries, you give both yourself and your friends the opportunity to respect your healing process.”

2. Unfollow your ex

At least in the short term, Dr. Moali calls it a “form of self-preservation” to make a clean digital break, which means unfriending and unfollowing them online and resisting the urge to call or text. “Staying in communication or checking their social media profiles can create an inaccurate perception of their lives and might lead to illusory closeness,” says Dr. Moali.

3. Be realistic about potential encounters

Dr. Lawless encourages making a conscious effort to “avoid hanging out in the same places or with the same people during the initial stages of a breakup.” In doing so, it can allow you to process emotions without constant reminders of your ex.

However, a chance meeting may happen. “People sometimes fantasize about how things might be different when they run into their ex, but in reality, most of the time, these encounters may serve as reminders of the heartbreak without offering any real benefits,” says Dr. Moali. “Acknowledge this possibility and prepare yourself emotionally for any unplanned meetings with your ex.”

4. Assess the real need to remain friends

“Unless there is a compelling reason to maintain communication, such as shared property or co-parenting, it is generally not advisable for people to remain friends immediately after a breakup,” Dr. Moali says. She suggests creating a pro-con list of the potential benefits and drawbacks of maintaining a friendship, while Dr. Kederian recommends waiting until you’ve fully healed to even begin determining if you’d like to be friends.

“Many individuals would like to maintain a long-term friendship, but it’s best to allow a minimum of six months before resuming the friendship,” says Dr. Kederian. “You need to allow time to heal and for your brain to process the clear difference—much of a relationship is a friendship, after all.”

While both new and long-term relationships can fizzle out, fizzling is more common in the newer ones, according to relationship expert Jess Carbino, PhD, former sociologist at Tinder and Bumble. “In those new relationships, there’s less at stake and fewer obligations and ties to the other individual, which makes fizzling more accessible,” she says. “If, for example, you’ve dated someone for just a couple of months or gone on five or six dates, those ties [aren’t very strong], so you’re able to move back or fizzle the relationship more seamlessly than someone who is more intimately connected to their partner.”

“In new relationships, there’s less at stake and fewer obligations and ties to the other individual, which makes fizzling more accessible.” —Jess Carbino, PhD, relationship expert

In that sense, a casual relationship that’s fizzling out could feel like something on the verge of getting ghosted. Your partner isn’t outright cutting off communication á la ghosting, but they are retreating, perhaps by calling or texting less often or not initiating dates or actively making plans to spend time together. Whereas, in a long-term relationship, fizzling might look more like the creation of distance, says Dr. Carbino, whether physical (perhaps, a live-in partner starts spending more time outside the house) or emotional (for instance, a partner choosing to engage less in conversation).

Why might a relationship start fizzling out in the first place?

Fizzling often happens when one or both people in the relationship don’t fully know what they want—that is, whether to stay in the relationship or go, says dating coach Adelle Kelleher, founder of Coaching Hearts Consulting. So, the unsure person opts for a murky middle ground by halfway checking out of things or choosing to invest only partially, holding onto the chance that someone or something “better” might appear around the corner.

In other cases, a person may be genuinely unhappy in their relationship and yet doesn’t want to have the conversation to actually end it, whether because they feel uncomfortable doing so, struggle with emotional vulnerability, or just think being in any relationship is better than being alone. “They might think, ‘Yes, I’m stuck in this kind of lackluster relationship, but at least when I’m bored, I have someone to do things with,'” says Kelleher. “This is not a healthy approach, but could be a reason someone might just string a relationship along without being fully in it.”

Fizzling can also happen in a long-term relationship when someone in the couple is no longer having their needs met, says psychologist Laura Louis, PhD, founder of Atlanta Couple Therapy. It could be their physical needs or emotional needs that are getting neglected, for example, but in either case, they may choose to just distance themselves from the relationship, rather than bring up the problem outright, says Dr. Louis.

This kind of complacency is almost like quiet quitting the relationship because it typically results in contributing just the bare minimum to keep the relationship going. While quiet quitting can certainly be a strategy for setting boundaries at work, the nature of a romantic relationship is such that it’s only as good as the energy put into it. So, even just one partner pulling back can decrease what both people are getting out of the partnership, eventually leading the other person to distance themselves, too. The end result? No one in the relationship is investing the kind of energy necessary to really keep the fire going.

3 signs your relationship may be fizzling out

1. You feel as if you and a partner are just going through the motions of coexisting

If most of the excitement, energy, or enthusiasm has drained from your relationship, there’s a good chance things are fizzling, according to Kelleher. That might look like either person reducing the amount of effort they’re putting into the relationship or otherwise not really trying to be an active participant in it anymore.

Naturally, this might mean that big, deep conversations are no longer happening; but also, it could just mean that you’ve stopped asking each other about how your days are going—and really listening to the answers, says Kelleher.

While most relationships will transition, at some point, from the honeymoon phase into something a little less lovey-dovey, that’s not the same thing as the kind of disengagement that happens with fizzling. “It might not be hot fire and sparks all the time, but [with a solid relationship], a partner is still showing effort and that they care about you, and that they want to know what’s going on with you,” says Kelleher. Whereas, with fizzling, all of those things start to feel less salient.

2. You and/or your partner are choosing to spend less and less time with each other

Any major changes in behavior that build distance can be a signal that something has changed, says Dr. Louis. Consider, for example, a partner’s decision to spend significantly more time without you, filling their calendar with work events, friend hangouts, or other activities.

To be sure, this isn’t to say your partner shouldn’t have hobbies or close relationships outside of yours (they definitely should), but if it feels like the time their devoting to things outside of your relationship is leaving scarce time for you, that’s a red flag for fizzling.

3. Your level of communication has significantly decreased

If you’re having trouble getting into consistent contact with your partner, or you’re finding that more of your phone calls or text messages are going unanswered, that’s a clear sign that things may be fizzling, says Dr. Louis.

While some communication stumbles are a part of every relationship, the key to deciphering them from the kind of communication gap that could signal fizzling is that a committed partner will want to solve or minimize these lapses, says Kelleher. Whereas, someone who is fizzling things may not seem to notice or care about their reduced communication.

What to do if you suspect your relationship is fizzling out

The first thing to do if you feel your relationship grinding to a slow halt is figure out how you feel about the prospect of it potentially ending.

If your partner is the primary fizzler, you may certainly feel insulted by their disengagement, but that’s not the same thing as wanting to actively continue the relationship. Even if they started the distancing, it’s possible that you’re participating, too, or that you’ve since realized that you’d also rather end the relationship. On the contrary, you might find, upon introspection, that you really want to continue in the partnership—but the fizzling is putting a damper on things.

Once you’re clear on how you feel about the situation and your hopes for the future, all the experts say it’s best to initiate a conversation with your partner, rather than speculating. “You don’t want your mental energy and space to be occupied with wondering if things are fizzling out or why you feel this way,” says Dr. Carbino.

Though it may be tempting to call out a partner for what may seem to be fizzling behaviors, it’s better to approach the conversation by sharing how you feel, instead, using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel uncared for when you don’t respond to my messages for several hours”), and allow them to respond, says Kelleher. Letting the other person to speak to the motivations behind their actions will give you important information on whether your ultimate goals for the relationship are aligned or…not so much.

From there, you can work together to determine an action plan for moving out of the grey area created by fizzling. To do so, Kelleher suggests asking your partner, “Do you see a future for us?” to gauge where they see the relationship headed. Or, if you would like to continue the relationship and see if they feel similarly, Dr. Carbino suggests trying something along the lines of, “I really enjoy spending time with you, but I’ve been sensing some distance between us. How are you feeling?”

Maybe they communicate that they do want to end things, or that there is something else going on in their life, like illness in their family or a busy period at work, that is dominating their attention and focus, but they’d like to continue the relationship. In any case, it’s only with an open conversation where you both share your feelings that you can come to a mutual decision to either break up or forge ahead (in this case, with clear expectations in place to make sure no one feels like things are fizzling).

This way, both people will feel like they have some level of say in and control over what happens. “Even if the outcome is breaking up, you’re still on the same [page] and deciding together,” says Kelleher.

The zodiac signs most compatible with Taurus will also be grounded and practical, or can understand and appreciate the bull’s steadfast, and, at times, slow and steady approach to life and love.

Key Taurus traits

“Venus rules Taurus, and Taurus is an earth sign with a fixed zodiac attribute,” says Emily Newman, psychic reader, spiritual healer, counselor, and astrologer at The Best of Psychic Reader. With romantic Venus as their ruling planet, “they are sensual, tactile, and sensory-oriented beings,” astrologer Courtney O’Reilly of Vibrant Soul told Well+Good, and as one of the earth signs, they particularly crave tangible pleasures.

Whatever earthly pleasures befall a Taurean, it’s likely they’ve earned it. Key among Taurus’ traits is their persevering spirit, a quality that’s common among all of the zodiac’s fixed signs, the bull being one of them. Taurus likes to see things through to completion—and few things, if anything at all, can stand between them and their pursuits. This commendable determination extends to their relationships. They may take a slow and steady approach to love, but once they’ve committed themselves to a partner, Taurus will have their partner’s back through thick and thin.

Their bullheadedness is at once their strength and their weakness. “Taurus is hardworking, reliable, passionate, romantic, and consistent, but Taurus is also blunt, traditional, possessive, assertive, unidirectional, a homebody, and stubborn,” says Newman, and not everyone can take the bull by the horns, so to speak.

Taurus compatibility in relationships

Typically, the zodiac signs that will be most compatible with Taurus are fellow earth signs Virgo and Capricorn, as they are also practical and grounded by nature. Taurus is also compatible with water signs Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces, as water and earth are known to be complementary astrological elements. “The elements [of] earth and water together are fertile—flowers grow,” O’Reilly told Well+Good.

Ahead, learn more about which zodiac signs are the most (and least) compatible with Taurus.

Taurus and Aries compatibility

Aries and Taurus are on the cusp of and next to each other on the zodiac calendar, and the two neighboring signs aren’t usually compatible. Fiery Aries is a thrill-seeker who craves adventure and spontaneity, while, according to Newman, “Taurus values comfort and peace of mind above all else.” The fast-moving Aries might be too much for Taurus, while Taurus may be too predictable for Aries.

For an Aries and Taurus couple to work, they will have to learn how to compromise with one another. Unfortunately, the two can also be stubborn. “Both are stubborn by nature,” says Newman. “Taurus is so uncompromising and rigid,” she says, which could likewise apply to a headstrong Aries who is set in their ways.

Taurus and Taurus compatibility

When two Tauruses come together, they are likely to have a “very cozy and comfortable partnership,” says astrologer and spiritual coach Tenae Stewart, author of The Modern Witch’s Guide to Magickal Self-Care. They will inherently understand each other, and they won’t have much to argue about in terms of what they want in a relationship, including but not limited to, a comfortable sense of security.

However, she mentions that there is potential for a Taurus couple to “get stuck in a rut.” They find comfort in familiarity, which if left unchecked, can quickly turn into monotony. To avoid stagnancy, they will have to make an active effort to practice deliberate spontaneity in their relationship, says Stewart.

Taurus and Gemini compatibility

Taurus and Gemini are on the cusp of and next to each on the zodiac calendar, and the two signs couldn’t be more unalike. Airy Gemini is adaptable, which may come off as fickleness to Taurus, who prioritizes consistency. Plus, Taurus isn’t usually keen to leave their comfort zone, whereas Gemini can thrive—and even enjoy—unpredictability.

Another potential issue for Gemini and Taurus is communication style. Neither will shy away from expressing their emotions, but Taurus isn’t one to take constructive feedback lightly. “Taurus is more stubborn than Gemini, yet Taurus cannot appreciate Gemini’s honesty, which leads to misunderstandings,” Newman told Well+Good.

Taurus and Cancer compatibility

Cancer is a water sign, and much like Taurus, they appreciate a partner who will put as much effort as they will in a relationship. However, this won’t be a problem for either sign. “They both have the same traits, including being loyal, loving, emotional, and homely,” says Newman, all of which are important qualities for a loving and long-lasting partnership.

One potential issue that might arise is Taurus’ controlling tendencies, which can manifest as possessiveness, jealousy, or untoward judgment of their partner. According to Newman, this might be off-putting for Cancer. With this in mind, Taurus will have to learn how to rescind control and trust their partner to make the relationship work.

Taurus and Leo compatibility

According to Stewart in a previous interview with Well+Good, a relationship between Leo and Taurus won’t be without inherent conflict. For one, they form a square angle to each other, she says, which indicates major differences between the two. Elementally speaking, they can also clash—Leo’s fiery temperament may run too hot for earthy Taurus.

Their one major commonality would be that they’re both fixed signs, but even this could give rise to conflict in their relationship. They both have a tendency to be stubborn and set in their ways—and compromise isn’t a strong suit for either sign. “Leo is forward-moving while Taurus won’t move without a lot of provocation, and they can really butt heads in the way,” says Stewart.

Taurus and Virgo compatibility

Virgo and Taurus can make a compatible zodiac match, and it’s not only because they share the same element. “Both Taurus and Virgo are earth signs and both place a value on stability and security,” says Newman. “This makes it easy for them to understand each other.” What’s more, Virgo can appreciate Taurus’ hard-working nature, and vice versa.

Compatible as they are, Virgo and Taurus will have their own challenges they may have to overcome as a couple. They are both stubborn, and Taurus will have trouble persuading Virgo about their opinions—and, should a conflict arises, neither of them will admit their wrongdoings. However, “if both signs prioritize their connection above all else, [they] will last,” says Newman.

Taurus and Libra compatibility

“Both Taurus and Libra are ruled by Venus, planet of love. They both value their relationships and having connections with other people is important to them,” Stewart previously told Well+Good. “However they have nothing else in common,” she says, and since they are more different than they are similar, this might lead to conflict between the two in the long run.

To note, “Libra is a cardinal sign and Taurus is a fixed sign,” says Stewart. While Libra is a cardinal sign with self-starter energy, they have a reputation for being indecisive, which can be frustrating for the bull if taken too far. On the other hand, Taurus has the tendency to be stubborn and immovable, which might cause an imbalance with a Libra partner, who is agreeable to a fault, if only to keep the peace.

Taurus and Scorpio compatibility

If there’s further proof that opposite zodiac signs can attract, look to Scorpio and Taurus—and they work precisely because their differences complement each other well. “Taurus may provide a calming influence, while Scorpio can assist Taurus in spiritual growth,” Newman told Well+Good. “However, they must understand each other.”

Scorpio and Taurus are fixed signs that value loyalty, and while it might take time for them to commit to a relationship, it can last a long time if they learn to trust one another. If anything, they are both stubborn, so it might be hard for them to compromise if they are on opposite sides of an argument. That’s why mutual understanding and respect is key if they want their relationship to thrive.

Taurus and Sagittarius compatibility

Sagittarius is a fire sign, which already connotes major differences from earthy Taurus. Add to the fact that they value different things in a relationship, and it’s easy to see how the two would make an incompatible match. To note, Taurus craves stability in love and Sagittarius prefers to live freely and rebel against norm, according to Newman.

Their differences also extend to lifestyle.“Sagittarius enjoys adventure and discovering new things, whereas Taurus prefers to stay at home and enjoy the comforts of life,” says Newman. Sagittarius’ need to live wild and free may trigger a Taurus’ controlling tendencies, which will only push the archer further away—and if they can’t meet in the middle, they won’t last.

Taurus and Capricorn compatibility

As earth signs, Capricorn and Taurus will have a natural affinity for one another—so much so, they could be the other’s soulmate, Newman told Well+Good. “Taurus is continuously looking for a trustworthy mate,” she says, and Capricorn can fulfill Taurus’ needs as the sea-goat also values security and stability in a relationship.

However, Capricorn and Taurus can butt heads because they both want to take charge. If an issue arises, this may make arguments cumbersome as neither is likely to concede. With this in mind, they will have to practice more patience with one another and learn how to compromise. If they learn how to work together, they can go the distance.

Taurus and Aquarius compatibility

An Aquarius and Taurus relationship will usually take a lot of work as they are considered incompatible zodiac signs. For one, air and earth sign pairings won’t always make an ideal match. They may also struggle to find common ground when it comes to their different lifestyles, according to Newman.

“Taurus prefers to stay at home, and in addition, Taurus is possessive, inflexible, and introverted, whereas Aquarius is intellectual, gregarious, and values freedom,” she says. Plus, both are fixed signs that can be emotionally stubborn, which can lead to power struggles. “To make this relationship work, both parties must be willing to change,” says Newman.

Taurus and Pisces compatibility

Pisces and Taurus can balance each other out in a relationship. “Pisces is a water sign and Taurus is a sensible and down-to-earth person,” says Newman. What’s more, “they will get along well due to their similar interests,” she told Well+Good, adding that as a couple, they will “prioritize their love over anything else.”

One issue that might occur is Pisces’ emotional extremity, which can cause conflict if they express their hurt to Taurus, who, at their most stubborn, won’t listen or take their Piscean partner’s point of view into consideration. Although Taurus may be off put by Pisces’ sensitivity, the fish can offer the passion, loyalty, and love that they need, says Newman.

Frequently asked questions

What is Taurus attracted to in a partner?

Taurus will typically appreciate a partner who is also practical, reliable, and grounded. As an earth sign, they also value straightforward communication and, since they often take a slow and steady approach to love, assurance that a relationship is worth their while.

What is the worst match for Taurus?

Taurus are typically incompatible with fire signs Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius, as well as air signs Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius. Fire signs might be too fast-paced for the slow and steady bull, while air signs may not provide Taurus with the sense of consistency and security they long for in a partner.

In truth, some passive-aggressive people might not ever reach this point of introspection because the very passive nature of their actions could lead them to believe that they aren’t contributing to the conflict at all. Instead of tackling conflicts head-on, passive-aggressive people prefer to beat around the bush and ignore the reality of their own feelings, says psychotherapist Peter Schmitt, LMHC, associate clinical director at Kip Therapy.

Ahead, read on to learn more about what passive-aggressive behavior is, how to spot it in yourself and others, and ways to stop it from derailing your relationships.

What is passive-aggressive behavior?

Passive-aggressive behavior is when someone indirectly expresses their feelings rather than directly communicates their negative emotions. A passive-aggressive person “often says things that are incongruent with what they do,” says psychotherapist Anita Astley, LMFT, author of the forthcoming book Unf*ck Your Life and Relationships. In other words, passive-aggressive people might say they’re fine, but their actions won’t show it.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Communication

If you’re the type of empath that can easily pick up on the emotions of others, it might be glaringly obvious to you when someone is masking their unhappiness with passive aggression. For the rest of us, some passive-aggressive manipulation tactics aren’t as easily discernible; sometimes they’re even masqueraded as acts of good faith to repair the relationship, or evidence that the other person is “over it”.

Some of the most common examples of passive-aggressive communication include:

• The silent treatment
• Sarcasm
• Indirect bids at sympathy
• Unrelated complaints
• Huffing and puffing
• Subtle put-downs
• Indirect attacks or mentions online (see also: cyberbullying vs. bullying)

How Passive-Aggressive Behavior Impacts Relationships

Those on the receiving end of passive aggression might feel frustrated by their partner’s cryptic behaviors. “Dealing with someone’s passive aggression can feel like trying to read the proverbial mixed signal,” says Schmitt. Just think about a time when someone insisted that “it’s fine” when you could tell deep-down that it wasn’t—and yet you still couldn’t parse what was actually wrong for them. “The frustration over this lack of direct communication or someone else’s denial of their own aggression can serve to escalate a conflict,” he says.

The person being passive probably isn’t going to be feeling great, either. “The passive-aggressive person can become even more frustrated and angry as they are not able to effectively express their negative feelings, leading to further confusion about what is actually happening that makes it virtually impossible to move from problem to solution,” says Astley.

That just means that the initial issue triggering the passive-aggressive behavior isn’t able to be resolved, leaving the passive person continually stewing. “Someone who is passive aggressive can miss out on having their emotional needs met,” says Tania DeBarros, LICSW, psychotherapist on the mental-health platform Alma. “If people don’t know how you’re feeling, it’s harder for them to know what will help you feel better.” And the longer that the passive person waits for the other person to read their mind, the more disconnection and resentment can build, she adds.

Eventually, those feelings are bound to come out in one way or another—since stifling or couching anger in passive actions does not erase it. “Because passive-aggressive people are not able to express and manage their aggression, they are more likely to once in a while have disproportionate emotional outbursts,” says Astley.

Over time, passive aggression can create a cycle of mistrust between both parties: mistrust that the aggressor will effectively communicate their needs, and mistrust that the receiver will be able to fulfill them.

What causes a person to be passive aggressive?

Like many behavioral tendencies, passive aggression typically arises first during childhood as a result of how a person is conditioned to perceive anger and aggression. “Passive-aggressive people have often learned from an early age that expressing negative thoughts and feelings is never an acceptable nor safe thing to do,” says Astley.

When someone sees or hears this message repeatedly, whether implicitly or explicitly, they can internalize it, “which creates a blueprint around the expression and management of aggression within the self and with others,” says Astley. Over time, the person may not even recognize or acknowledge anger when it arises or could learn to suppress it out of a fear of conflict, she says.

In the same realm, a passive person may have been “emotionally invalidated” as a child, or had their feelings minimized or dismissed to the point that, later in life, they invalidate their own feelings. “If a person doesn’t believe that their feelings are important, it can be difficult or seem pointless to express them to someone else,” says DeBarros. “Their internal dialogue may sound like, ‘It’s not that big of a deal,’ ‘I’m overreacting,’ ‘I’m being emotional,’ or ‘I shouldn’t feel X emotion because they didn’t mean it that way.’”

It’s also possible for this dialogue to develop in a particular relationship, in response to another person’s behavior, says Kate Deibler, LCSW, psychotherapist at Alma. “The person that someone feels angry with may have shown themselves previously to respond negatively toward anger,” she says, leading the other person to then conceal it at all costs. Or perhaps the passive person “lives or works in an environment where strong emotions are punished,” thus teaching them to mask these emotions, which then ultimately emerge in a passive way instead, says Schmitt.

Alternatively, passive aggression could be part of a fawning trauma response, says DeBarros. “This happens when a person develops appeasing [aka people-pleasing] behaviors to avoid conflict and to establish a sense of safety,” she says. “If someone feels that it is unsafe to directly address how they feel, they may turn to passive-aggressive behaviors instead.”

According to licensed therapist Deborah Vinall, PsyD, author of Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal from Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships, passive-aggressive behavior often stems from insecurity. Expressing our desires is difficult without self-confidence, so instead, passive-aggressive people will attempt to manipulate the desired outcome through non-confrontational communication.

How To Tell if Your Behavior Is Passive-Aggressive

While you might be able to easily pinpoint these signs of passive-aggressive behavior in someone else, it can be harder to recognize when you might be the passive-aggressive one, says Schmitt. Suppressing your anger takes a lot of focus—so much so that you might not even realize you’re being passive aggressive in the moment.

The more that other people around you respond to your passive-aggressive behavior in a way that reinforces it, the tougher it’ll be for you to identify for yourself that it’s happening, too, says DeBarros.

“For example, if every time I sulk, someone gives me attention, asks me what’s wrong, or does something to make me feel better without me having to communicate my needs clearly, I will learn that if I sulk, I get support,” she says. But of course, this ignores the underlying tendency to act passive aggressively and the harm that this lack of clear communication can do to a friendship or relationship over time.

Worried that *you* might be the passive-aggressive person in the relationship? Keep reading to see five telltale signs of passive aggressive behavior.

5 Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior To Look For in Yourself

1. You consider yourself a non-confrontational or non-angry person in an absolute way

Maintaining a very antagonistic relationship with angry feelings—as in, “I don’t ever get angry with people”—can be a sign that you typically express your anger passively. “The truth is that we all contain aggressive feelings at times, and so an attempt to suppress that part of ourselves will ultimately come through as passive aggression or something worse,” says Schmitt.

In the same vein, feeling like you have “almost no experience with anger or irritation is a fair indicator that it’s being sublimated into something else or releasing through another pathway,” says Deibler.

That may also be the case if you consider your approach to conflict to be wholly non-confrontational but then find that people on the other end often react as if you had said something aggressive or hurtful, says Schmitt. (This just means that they could sense your passive-aggressive behavior, and they’re upset or confused by your failure to express what you’re feeling directly.)

2. Others accuse you of being indirect with your feelings

In the same way that you can probably pinpoint passive aggression in someone else more easily than you could in yourself, your close friends and loved ones probably have a better read on your passive aggression than you do. If others accuse you of beating around the bush with your feelings or label you as upset when you feel that you’ve been non-confrontational, that’s a good indicator that you’re engaging in passive-aggressive behavior.

3. You say things that you don’t really mean

One of the most transparent signs of passive aggressive behavior in others is also a habit you might miss in yourself: saying yes when you mean no (or vice versa) in any context, says Astley. It can be tempting to say something just in an effort to avoid a conflict, but if the words that come out of your mouth are in direct opposition to how you feel (e.g., the now-infamous faux “I’m fine”), chances are that passive aggression will leave you stewing.

4. You often use sarcasm to express your feelings in an argument

While sarcasm isn’t always about deflecting the conversation from how you’re actually feeling or being passive about your feelings, if you find yourself using it mostly when you’re upset or having difficult conversations, that’s usually a sign of passive-aggressive behavior, says DeBarros.

5. You expect others to just “get” how you’re feeling

If you find yourself frustrated by someone’s lack of understanding before you’ve taken the time to explain your feelings, you’re likely acting passive aggressively, says DeBarros. The expectation that a loved one can mind-read your feelings by way of your passive actions is a surefire route toward miscommunication and conflict—whereas expressing your feelings directly, however difficult that may seem in the moment, can put you on a path toward mutual understanding.

How To Stop Yourself From Being Passive-Aggressive

Before you can express upset or angry feelings to others in a productive way, you need to acknowledge that you do, in fact, have these feelings. “The best antidote to passive aggression is to embrace our genuine experiences of aggression,” says Schmitt.

To do that, make time each day to actively check in and identify how you feel using feeling words, says DeBarros (e.g., nervous, excited, happy, tired, upset, etc.) When creating that list for any given moment, be sure to allow room for negative feelings to surface. “Once you can identify them, practice being comfortable with them by telling yourself, ‘It’s okay; I am allowed to have these negative thoughts and feelings, and it doesn’t mean I am a bad person, but rather that I am a healthy person,’” says Astley.

While it’s certainly wise to be mindful about how you act on negative feelings, “there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having them, and they can provide valuable information as to what we need from others, and where others may be falling short of our expectations in relationships,” says Schmitt. For example, it’s only through feeling upset or disappointed with how a relationship is going and being able to acknowledge that reality that you’ll then also be able to assert your needs to your partner and have those needs met.

When sharing your feelings, recognize that the other party might not react in the way that you’d hope; acknowledge that just like you, they’re entitled to their own feelings, adds Dr. Vinall. Confrontation is scary, but avoiding the rift at hand with passive-aggressive behavior will only make things worse.

”Notice the fear of vulnerability that comes with being honest about your heart’s desires,” Dr. Vinall says, “and with self-compassion, bravely press through.”

Passive-Aggressive Communication FAQs

What is passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD)?

Passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD), as defined by the American Psychological Association, is a personality disorder that involves chronic ambivalence towards yourself and others. Those with PAPD regularly contradict themselves: They might say that a situation doesn’t bother them, but in reality, they’re deeply upset by it. People with PAPD often fall into cycles of negativism and brew in their own skepticism about themselves and others.

According to Vinall, this official classification is outdated. Passive-aggressive personality disorder was omitted from the most recent version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) due to its lack of sufficient research.

“We no longer consider this behavior as stemming from an intractable personality disorder,” Dr. Vinall says, “but as a behavior pattern that is learned and can be unlearned.”

What are the traits of a passive-aggressive person?

Low self esteem and a lack of self confidence are two of the most common traits of passive-aggressive people, says Dr. Vinall. Despite this, Vinall says that chronically passive-aggressive people often believe that they deserve special treatment, similarly to narcissists.

Additionally, passive-aggressive people often lack emotional maturity and are unable to process their anger in a healthy manner. Other passive-aggressive traits include looking down on others, general hostility, stubbornness a lack of respect for others’ wishes, and a persisting negative outlook on life, says Vinall.

Is ‘silent treatment’ passive aggressive?

One of the most common examples of passive-aggressive behavior is the ‘silent treatment’. The silent treatment is when one person completely shuts down all forms of communication with a person or party they’re unhappy with, leaving the other party to cope with unanswered questions and unresolved conflict.

This form of conflict avoidance is particularly harmful, and in practice, is actually a form of emotional neglect.

How do you outsmart passive-aggressive people?

When dealing with passive-aggressive people, it’s important to hold self-respecting boundaries, says Dr. Vinall. Without bending to passive-aggressive manipulation, take notice of avoidant behaviors and consider taking the first step toward direct communication with them.

Explore the initial rift and what feelings might be driving their behaviors. A little digging might uncover the root of the insecurity that’s driving their passive aggressiveness: Do they feel left out? Do they feel undermined? Do they feel unloved, or unimportant?

“Such an approach may soften the guarded communicator and make space for a genuine connection,” says Vinall.

But while medication might be absolutely necessary for me, it’s not without some low-key side effects. Most symptoms of SSRIs aren’t all that challenging or noticeable, but one important one definitely is: Orgasms are harder to, ahem, come by.

Sexual side effects can vary, but the most common ones are lower libido and trouble climaxing. Nina Vasan, MD, MBA, chief medical officer at Real and founder and executive director of Brainstorm at Stanford University, says most of those side effects are because SSRIs increase serotonin. “Serotonin decreases orgasms and vaginal lubrication for women and erection and ejaculation for men,” Vasan says. “It also inhibits the production of nitric oxide, which is responsible for blood flow to sex organs during sexual response.”

As a 37-year-old single mom who is dating and, yes, sometimes having sex, I find not being able to orgasm while taking SSRIs the most inconvenient thing about them. I mean, if I don’t keep my brain healthy, I won’t be that much fun to share appetizers and witty banter with. But dating without orgasms feels like a really unfair trade-off.

A lot of people, given their SSRI has rendered them less interested in sex anyway, don’t worry about a lack of orgasms. More power to them. But I’m not willing to let this slip away from my life, especially as a divorced woman who only started having more consistent sex a few years ago! I still view it as a deeply important part of my overall health.

Ashleigh Renard, author, sex expert, and creator of the viral video series Keeping It Hot, agrees. She says that while it’s important for sex to never feel like “an obligatory act,” feeling fulfilled matters. “No one needs sex, but really wanting it and enjoying it can lead to a higher quality of life for many of us,” she says.

Renard also says that while transitioning onto medication, taking a break from sex can be beneficial, for the purpose of not adding any additional stress to the situation. While, at times, over the last five years, I had to focus purely on my mental health and not worry too much about my sex life, these days I have the bandwidth to prioritize both, so I am. Luckily, I’ve found there can be ways to still get down, even on brain medication.

5 ways to still have an orgasm while taking SSRIs

1. Practice on your own first

For a lot of people, having orgasms is easier when getting it on solo. While ideally, you’d like to be able to share that experience with a partner, knowing what you need to make it happen on your own after the introduction of medication, is really important. There’s no pressure to orgasm, so it may be easier to figure out what it takes. If you do, you’ll know that it’s not impossible, so you’ll be in a better headspace once you’re with a partner. Plus, you’ll be better equipped to tell them exactly what to do.

2. Emphasize the “warm up”

Renard suggests starting a relaxation routine about 30 to 60 minutes before sex to prepare for intimacy. “Take a bath. Light a candle. Listen to relaxing or feel-good music,” she says. “Many of my audience members love listening to erotic audio stories to help get them in the mood.” She recommends using the Dipsea app.

3. Ask about switching medications

If making changes to your medication is an option, lowering the dose or getting on a new drug that still does what it needs to for your mental health could alleviate the unwanted sexual side effects, Dr. Vasan says. Some SSRIs are less likely to interfere with the ability to climax, so talk to your doctor about what your options may be.

4. Use a vibrator

Sometimes, adding a little battery power can seriously get things moving in the right direction. Incorporating a vibrator, either for foreplay, or clitoral stimulation during sex, could have big gains.

Liz Tracy, a 43-year-old mom who has been on a handful of different SSRIs since she was a teenager, says that a vibrator has been key to her ability to climax. She recommends women “buy a high-quality vibrator” or even a few, “and experiment with them,” both on your own and with a partner.

5. Talk to your doctor about adding a new drug

If you’ve exhausted your options in the bedroom, and changing your medication altogether is not an option, adding a drug can have positive impacts. Dr. Vasan says that a low dose of Bupropion (aka Wellbutrin) is an option that she has personally seen “work well in some patients” who are not ready to kiss orgasms goodbye.

Remember, taking care of your brain is hard work, but it doesn’t have to mean giving up one of the best parts of your sex life.

Viktorin helped me understand out how I could gauge whether my future salary (which I assume will be about $35,000 less than what I make now) could fit my family’s needs. Furthermore, she helped me approach the shift with excitement instead of dread.

That mindset is where things got tricky; my plan is very on-the-horizon. I can’t fully use the financial knowledge I’ve gained with the help of Viktorin until I land a new job, which initially left me feeling a bit deflated. But as the weeks have progressed, I’ve realized the impactful moves I can make. My mindset shift that has allowed me to cultivate a sense of financial confidence has made planning for my immediate future more manageable, and worries about my long-term future and retirement less riddled with stress.

How developing financial confidence has helped me develop better financial health

For starters, I’ve noticed myself feeling more comfortable and less anxious with regards to my finances. I’ve also found time to tackle small financial tasks that set me up for long-term financial health, like budgeting and organization, which has made me feel even more financially confident.

This increased comfort has translated into newfound assurance in my future plan. During a recent job interview, a concern came up about whether I was overqualified for the role in question. I was able to be able to confidently say, “You don’t have to worry.” I was able come from a place of actual confidence, with less worry about the salary reduction.

The financial value I bring to our family beyond just my take-home salary.

I also better realized the financial value I bring to our family beyond just my take-home salary. My partner and I share our dual income to afford our lifestyle of having a home and three children. I initially worried that with a smaller income, I’d be bringing less to the table, but after talking with Viktorin, I better understood that salary isn’t all I contribute. Since I’ll likely be working at a larger company, it could make more sense for our family to be on my health insurance plan, which would be subsidized by my company, rather than on my wife’s, who is the CEO of a small company and pays for her insurance out-of-pocket. That’s a massive contribution that I shouldn’t downplay.

A not-so-fringe benefit of my financial confidence? Improving my marriage

Taking more ownership of the ways my work will continue to bolster my wife and kids has also improved conversations my wife and I have about our financial situation. I’m projecting more confidence, which is coming from real confidence, and that has led to a welcome elevation in our dynamic.

By walking me through a few models of how couples might approach finances, chatting with Viktorin helped me realize that my wife and I don’t have to fully combine our finances. A specific takeaway for me is that you can have all the love and trust and closeness and even shared priorities and it can still be healthy, valid, and good to have separate finances to some degree. For example, I have my own checking account, but we also have some joint ventures as well.

I’ve associated any separation of the finances with being the beginning of the end for us and assumed it couldn’t possibly be good for us. And now I’m seeing some separation of finances as beneficial our marriage; we both have our own separate things in addition to our joint assets: I’ve opened a separate bank account, so when I start my next job, I will have a portion of my paycheck deposited to my account first and then whatever we designate after will go towards the joint account.

Modeling financial health for loved ones

Now that I’m more confident in my personal finances, I’ve also been more open about money with my kids. A big part of my “why” with all of this is that I want my kids to grow up with a healthier relationship with money than what I’ve had. And I feel better positioned to include them in conversations about budgeting and talking to them about numbers. I want to lead by example, modeling how to live without financial anxiety, investing in yourself via things like taking jobs at a pay cut (after doing your homework to make sure you can afford to do so, as I did), and still keeping an eye on retirement savings. They’re at a point where they’re curious, and I am excited to entertain that curiosity.

My newfound financial confidence has spurred great conversation among my six closest friends, in that we’ve agreed to start naming numbers. We’ve long talked about everything: births, deaths, and everything in-between. But until recently, when we’re talking about salaries, savings, and retirement plans, we didn’t broach numbers. What’s up with that?

It’s neither shameful nor boastful to specify your salary. Social transparency of salary will only add to the greater good of helping to diminish the gender pay gap, which holds all women back, impacting our salaries, and, by proxy, lifestyle and retirement plans. So I’m excited about this shift, as well.

Overall, working with a financial professional has helped me realize that finances—both planning for the short-term and long-term—aren’t as scary as they seemed. I’m no expert, but even gaining a little more understanding has made my own financial situation feel attainable. I’m excited to move into the next phase of my financial journey armed with know-how and confidence.

As told to Kara Jillian Brown.

Take asthma, for example. According to a survey by Amgen and the Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America regarding people with asthma,

• 56 percent don’t tell their partner they have asthma if they “don’t have to”
• 47 percent feel that loved ones—from friends to family to partners—don’t consider the limitations that come with asthma when planning gatherings
• 46 percent agree their condition interferes with important moments shared with a partner

Especially considering how dangerous asthma can be (resulting in over 4,000 deaths per year, plus other complications) and how common it is (more than 25 million Americans have it), the number of people keeping it to themselves is concerning. Yet we can’t help but understand. Dating with a chronic illness can be tough.

“People can be reluctant to talk about chronic health conditions because they are scared it will frighten their partner, or in worst-case scenarios, think that their partner might abandon them because they are sick,” says Christopher Hansen, LPC, a therapist with Thriveworks in San Antonio who specializes in relationships, chronic illness, and coping skills. “Many times, people do not want to feel like a burden to their partners and do not want them to worry or feel sorry for them.”

Individuals in all kinds of relationships can struggle with this

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together; it can be uncomfortable to be vulnerable, or to know you’re worrying your partner. “A lot has to do with the quality and nature of the relationship, as even older relationships can be strained by a chronic problem if the relationship is not close and bonded,” Hanson says. “Conversely, a new relationship where the partnership is strong and secure may do better.”

This phenomenon is present in friendships and other kinds of relationships, too. “I will say a true test of the relationship, whether it be intimate or friendship, is definitely a chronic illness,” Hanson says. “It is very easy to be friends and partners when times are good, but I believe the true nature and character of a relationship is revealed by challenges.”

Why telling your partner is crucial

Even if you’re not experiencing a flare-up at the moment, proactively informing your partner is not only the best thing to do for your health, but also the health of your relationship.

“By not sharing your health status with loved ones and other important people in your life from the start, there’s an increased risk of being forced to share when your health is in danger, which can lead to confusion and lack of preparedness in case of an emergency,” says therapist and New York Times bestselling author Lori Gottlieb, MFT, who recently joined a campaign called The Air Between Us All to help people living with chronic conditions, such as asthma, navigate conversations about their individual health needs.

Gottlieb has found that open, early conversations can “make your relationships even stronger, and even create an opportunity for your partner to share what they may need from you as well.”

Telling your partner may go better than you think. “It can really help to lighten the mental burden when you are able to actually talk about it with someone,” Hansen says. “I believe many people discover how empathetic and supportive others can be in these situations.” (And hey, if they aren’t supportive, that’s good information to have, too.)

Tips for sharing your status and advocating for your needs

Talking about your health won’t necessarily be easy, so allow yourself to feel that discomfort as you share. While you may never feel 100 percent ready to have this conversation, Hansen emphasizes the importance of not feeling forced but not putting it off forever. “Usually, when the thought of telling your partner does not elicit anxiety or another negative emotion, or in fact you feel eager to share, it’s a great sign you are ready,” he says.

Once you decide to open up, what should you include? Hansen suggests sharing what you’re comfortable with, adding it may be important to address your prognosis, how your partner can support you, what treatment or management looks like, and how your condition affects your daily living. If you aren’t sure how they’ll take it, Hansen says “sometimes sharing a small amount may give some insight into the mindset of a partner.”

He also encourages talking this through ahead of time with a mental health provider or other trusted support person. They can help you plan how, when, and where you want to say it, as well as what you want to say. “I think it’s imperative to find a place and time that is comfortable for you where you will not be disturbed, and [where] you feel safe in case there are emotional questions,” Hansen adds.

If your partner doesn’t keep your needs in mind later down the road—such as parking far from buildings despite your pain and breathing troubles, or not giving you gentle love when a flare-up messes with plans—it’s okay to bring that up with them. “There is nothing wrong with a polite reminder if someone forgets about your condition,” Hansen assures. Although your pain might be something you simply can’t ignore, remember that it might not always be top of their mind even after you’ve told them.

This (brave!) step helps you build a broader support system, which Gottlieb says is essential to taking care of your condition—even if it seems counterintuitive at times. “So often we try to hide things that make us feel different, but we’re all going through something,” Gottlieb says. “I’ve found the more my clients talk openly about their chronic conditions, like asthma, the less alone they feel.”

Because many people say they want their partner to be their BFF, the idea of losing a friend (not just a S.O.) can make the transition from lovers to strangers even tougher. As a result, the idea of staying friends with your ex may come up as you uncouple, or even later on. But relationship experts say pursuing—and maintaining—a healthy friendship with your ex is challenging under the best of circumstances. So before you slap a new label on your relationship, it’s worth taking some time to determine whether or not it’s in your best interest.

What to consider when it comes to being friends with your ex

Numerous factors go into whether a friendship with an ex is possible, such as: who dumped who, the reasons for the breakup, how each partner took the breakup, and how long the couple was together, according to Jess Carbino, PhD, former sociologist for dating apps Tinder and Bumble.

Dr. Carbino says whether it’s possible to be friends with an ex has a lot to do with how serious the relationship was to begin with and how much “connective tissue” remains. For example, it’ll be a lot easier to establish and maintain a friendship with someone you casually dated briefly because there isn’t as much history, responsibility, and potentially pain there, compared to someone you dated for years or lived with.

“As people age and relationships become more serious, particularly with relationships involving cohabitation, that type of friendship becomes very much an impossibility in my mind,” says Dr. Carbino, though she does add that it’s potentially easier to be friends with someone you’ve had a lot of time away from, like a high school sweetheart.

There’s also a difference between being friends and being friendly. Dr. Carbino points out that couples who have deep ties to one another, for example through sharing kids, have more reason to remain friendly with each other than others.

Regardless of whether they are parents as well as partners, “a couple takes on a shared identity while they’re together, with shared friends and activities, and breaking up severs that identity,” Dr. Carbino says. In the aftermath of a relationship running its course, you may find yourself splitting friends and activities—a normal part of the process—but trying to stay friends to keep these bonds intact can get messy fast, so be mindful about your intentions. Seeing friendship as a softer landing pad after partnership may inadvertently lead to harder feelings down the line.

“The process by which people uncouple is a social process and involves creating separate identities from that other person, which would involve the cessation of contact.”—sociologist Jess Carbino, PhD

Plus, truly healing and moving on after a breakup requires introspection and time to yourself—a process that may be impeded if your ex is still in the picture. “The process by which people uncouple is a social process and involves creating separate identities from that other person, which would involve the cessation of contact,” says Dr. Carbino.

What to consider before deciding to stay friends with your ex

According to Kara Kays, LMFT, regional clinic director with the mental-health platform Thriveworks, a healthy relationship that adds to your life is one built on trust, honesty, and respect. If it’s not possible to have that with your ex, don’t pursue friendship, so advises. She also recommends really considering what you’re asking for when extending or accepting an offer of friendship with an ex. Are you trying to keep the bond intact because you’re not ready to let go? Or maybe you’re the one breaking up with your partner and you want to soften the blow to be polite? Ask these questions to decide what you want out of the relationship, and use the answers to evaluate whether it makes sense or not.

The most important thing, she says is to not offer to be friends if you don’t mean it. Breaking up is a painful, tough process, and extending an offer of friendship may seem like a kindness—but it isn’t if it’s not genuine. Dr. Carbino recommends not offering to remain friends if you don’t really mean it because an inauthentic offer of friendship can be hurtful, confusing, and disingenuous—not the goal if you’re trying to break up with someone respectfully and effectively.

If you’ve decided you’d like to pursue a friendship with your ex, see below for the do’s and don’ts of this new type of connection.

The do’s and don’ts of staying friends with an ex

Do: Decide what kind of relationship you want to share

There are different types of friends, as well as different levels of friendship. Determine what type of relationship you’d like to pursue with you ex and then clearly communicate the nature of the new dynamic you’re looking for to ensure that you’re both on the same page upfront. Figuring out what role you want this person to play in your life will be helpful to set boundaries and dictate the grounds of the friendship, Kays says.

Do: Give yourself time

Time may not heal all wounds, but it can certainly soften them. Kays says you don’t have to make a decision immediately after the breakup about whether you want to attempt a friendship with your ex. The passage of time will make it easier to gain perspective and make a decision that feels best to you. “Give yourself as much time as necessary to redefine what this new relationship is going to look like with this old person,” she advises.

And on the flip-side, if you’ve tried being friends with an ex and it’s not working, you’re not obligated to continue. Just like any other platonic relationship, a friendship with an ex can run its course, too.

Do: Understand that they have a say, too

Even if you’ve decided you’d like to stay friends with your ex, remember that they also have a say in whether there’s a relationship moving forward. Even if you want to maintain a friendship, your ex has every right to reject that offer. “At the end of the day, you can ask for what your need is, but somebody else doesn’t have to oblige and they don’t need to step into that role,” Kays says.

Do: Set (and respect) boundaries

Take some time to set boundaries to guide how you’ll engage with your ex as a friend. Is this person going to be someone you go to coffee with alone, or someone you see only on outings with your wider friend group like a trivia night or house party? Kays recommends deciding this ahead of time.

Part of setting healthy boundaries is redefining this person’s role in a platonic context. It’s not fair to expect the same things from your ex in friendship as you did when they were your partner. And remember that this goes both ways.

Two boundaries Dr. Carbino recommends setting are agreements to only meet in public places and to not drink together to eliminate any chances of hooking up or being physical, which would move the relationship back into the romantic arena and muddy the waters.

Don’t: Do all the activities you did as a couple together

You know what they say about returning to the scene of the crime—don’t do it. Don’t slot your former partner, now friend, into their previous role just without the romance. For example, if you had a standing farmer’s market date, returning there together may be confusing and weird; calling your ex when you’re sad because you relied on them to cheer you up when you were a couple probably won’t work, either. Instead, interact in a way that won’t bring up old and potentially painful memories or resurface old habits.

Don’t: Let them hold you back from exploring new romances

One important consideration to make when deciding whether your ex belongs in your life as a friend is whether their presence will discourage you from pursuing new romantic relationships. Dr. Carbino recommends really thinking about whether seeing your ex as a friend is influencing you to avoid or slow walk coupling up with someone else. “If [the friendship] is diminishing [your] likelihood of getting together with someone else, I think that that would be an issue,” she says.

Key Leo traits

Leo’s ruling planet is not an actual planet but the sun itself, which represents identity, creativity, and vitality. As one of the brightest, boldest signs of the zodiac wheel, the sun’s influence on Leo’s characteristics are clear. The celestial lions are renowned for their warm aura and a magnetic presence that commands the spotlight, and as a fire sign through and through, they are bold, authoritative, and confident in their expression.

While Leo’s energy tends to run hot, they are also a fixed sign, and therefore, “understand how to ground or root their fire,” astrologer Corina Crysler previously told Well+Good. This fixed and fire combo makes Leo steadfast, reliable, and stalwart. As such, they always pour their heart into everything, be it their career, creative pursuits, or their relationships. (The sign is associated with the heart, after all.)

“Leos are sympathetic, big-hearted, conscientious, natural leaders, and tend to be popular, protective, energetic, self-sufficient, and motivating,” says Emily Newman, psychic reader, spiritual healer, counselor, and astrologer at The Best of Psychic Reader. Their vivacity can bring sunshine to those around them, and they have a natural way of making others smile and enjoy life, which can make for a lot of fun and adventure.

While Leos will happily share the spotlight with their mates, their ego, pride, and jealousy can take over when they start to fear they will be eclipsed. “Leos can also be possessive, narrow-minded, self-conscious, approval-obsessed, and attention seeking,” says Newman. At their lowest, they’ll prioritize themselves at the expense of others to maintain their need for recognition and esteem.

Leo compatibility in relationships

Typically, people most compatible with Leo can match their energy and passion, and just as important, invest the same amount of effort and attention Leos look for in their relationships. The zodiac signs who will be most drawn to Leo will seek out a bold, bright “star” of the zodiac to show off, and they’ll be able to handle any theatrics that may come with dating the lion.

Fellow fire signs Aries and Sagittarius will have the easiest time relating to Leos as they can match their passion and their heat. Leos can also find a complementary match in air signs such as Gemini and Libra. As Juliana McCarthy, astrologer and author of The Stars Within You, told Well+Good: “Air signs can fuel fire signs with brilliant ideas and intellectual stimulation, while fire signs help bring air signs’ mental energy into action.” Air sign Aquarius can bring balance to Leo too, proving that opposite zodiac signs can attract one another.

Ahead, learn more about which zodiac signs are the most (and least) compatible with Leo.

Leo and Aries compatibility

Clever and understanding with a fiery energy to match, Aries is an ideal match for Leo—and it seems that the stars are ever in their favor, as Aries is trine, or four signs apart, from Leo, which can make for a harmonious relationship between the two fire signs. While they are forces in themselves, they can emit an even brighter flame when paired together.

“Aries can readily meet Leo’s requirements and they can do great things in life if they work together,” says Newman. They possess similar standards and vigor for life, and they likewise have an unwavering drive to make their aspirations a reality. If anything, both are highly competitive and like being in charge, which can result in ego conflicts. However, as long as they work together, they can overcome diversity as a dynamic duo.

Leo and Taurus compatibility

Fixed earth sign Taurus is square, or three signs apart, from Leo—and this astrological aspect can breed conflict and tension between the two signs, says Tenae Stewart, astrologer, spiritual coach, and author of The Modern Witch’s Guide to Magickal Self-Care. While both are fixed signs that are loyal and commitment-oriented, this also means that they can be rigid and inflexible in their behaviors and beliefs.

What’s more, “Leo is forward-moving while Taurus won’t move without a lot of provocation, and they can really butt heads in that way,” says Stewart. If neither is willing to be flexible or compromise, this can ruin their chances of forging a long-lasting partnership. However, that isn’t to say that they can’t overcome adversity. “They just have to honor and respect each other’s differences,” Stewart says.

Leo and Gemini compatibility

Gemini, the third sign of the zodiac, and the mutable air sign, is often compatible with Leo. “Both are pleasant and welcoming personalities, and they may quickly capture the hearts of each other,” says Newman. Gemini is also sextile, or two signs apart, from Leo, and their respective astrological elements can result in a complementary relationship between the two signs.

Gemini is infamous for getting bored quickly and more easily than other signs. However, they’ll never experience a dull moment with a Leo, who thrives on adventure and fun. Plus, Leo likes to shine and stand out, which will keep Gemini entertained. “Another thing to consider is that Gemini is an air sign, which means they never compete with a Leo partner, and instead, assist them in achieving their success,” says Newman.

Leo and Cancer compatibility

Cancer is a cardinal water sign that is semi-sextile, or one sign apart, from Leo, and though Cancer and Leo are on the cusp of each other on the zodiac calendar, Cancer is generally too emotional for a Leo. “Leos are sensible and enjoy trying new things, whereas Cancer is conventional in thinking and in matters of relationships, and so this relationship often appears one-sided,” says Newman.

What’s more, Leo loves attention and can be self-absorbed at times, so they are more unwilling to try and understand or worry about Cancer’s sensitivity and emotional mood swings. Although Leo and Cancer have unique approaches to life and relationship, they’re likewise loving, loyal, and commitment-oriented, and if they learn to understand one another, they can forge a relationship with lasting potential.

Leo and Leo compatibility

When two Leos come together, you can expect a passionate and fiery relationship. Both are romantic and value loyalty, and it’ll likely be easy to create an emotional bond because they will understand one another’s wants and needs. While a Leo-Leo couple will have what it takes for a long-lasting bond, it’s important that each continues to cultivate their heart’s passions outsidethe relationship.

Stewart also mentions that a Leo pairing needs to honor their partner’s mode of self-expression. “This is true for any relationship, but it’s paramount for two Leos,” she says. Things can take a tumultuous turn if Leos end up competing for the same spotlight or they refuse to compromise their own aims or demands, making it all the more important for them to maintain their sense of self while honoring what their partner brings to the table.

Leo and Virgo compatibility

Virgo, the mutable earth sign, and Leo are semi-sextile, which as mentioned, can indicate difficulties or challenges between the two signs. While Leo and Virgo share a cusp, it seems they have more differences than similarities. Intelligent and practical, Virgos have a forward-thinking attitude that’s intentional and analytical, which unfortunately, won’t always resonate with Leo. “Leos want to live in the current moment,” says Newman.

As such, Leo places greater emphasis on having fun and seizing the present opportunity, while Virgos can be all business and move forward with deliberate caution. Newman adds: “Virgo is highly intellectual, and it may be too much for Leo, who might view them as competitors.” As a result, they might struggle to form a positive connection.

Leo and Libra compatibility

Cardinal air sign Libra is known to offer their partners unconditional love and comfort—two things that Leo lovers want and value most in a relationship. As such, Libra and Leo are sextile, or two signs apart, from each other, which, as mentioned, can make these two signs a complementary match. “All of Leo’s wishes may be fulfilled with Libra, and they become a power couple when they get together,” says Newman.

What’s more, “Libras are givers who like gratifying their partners, which Leo will value,” she says. They also have the foundation for a lasting friendship. “The friendship is strengthened by their commonalities and heightened by their variances in personality,” says Newman, adding, “they both are hard workers and complement one another.”

Leo and Scorpio compatibility

Astrologically speaking, it seems that Leo and Scorpio have the odds stacked against them. They have opposing elements (Scorpio is a fixed water sign and Leo is a fixed fire sign), and they are square, or three signs apart, which often denotes struggles and difficulties. While these signs do share some similarities—both are ambitious, bold, and love being in the spotlight—their differences might push them further apart than pull them closer together.

As Newman told Well+Good: “The true challenge occurs when both partners begin to compete for power rather than working together, and both partners in a relationship must be on the same page for it to work.” And indeed it will take work seeing as they are fixed signs who can be inflexible in terms of their thinking and actions. Otherwise, “both will be unable to comprehend each other,” says Newman.

Leo and Sagittarius compatibility

Fellow fire sign Sagittarius is trine, or four signs apart, from Leo, and with much in common, it’s easy to see why they’d be drawn to one another. Both maintain an optimistic approach to life and both value excitement and novelty. As Newman told Well+Good: “One of the key elements that make Leo the ideal companion for Sagittarius is their shared perspective on making life and love interesting and joyful.”

Still, this relationship isn’t without its fair share of challenges. Sagittarius can be non-committal as a result of their mutable nature, while Leo values commitment and loyalty as a fixed fire sign. For their relationship to flourish, “Sagittarius must take their feelings toward Leo seriously,” says Newman, as Leo typically seeks the same amount of commitment they offer their partners.

Leo and Capricorn compatibility

Capricorn is a cardinal earth sign that is quincunx from Leo, and much like the celestial lion, the sea goat also enjoys the spotlight and can be very persistent in keeping the attention to themselves, rather than sharing it with a partner. As a result, “both partners would begin the battle for power,” says Newman, which can create jealousy and unhealthy competition, and over time, resentment and obstacles in their relationship.

Even if there’s not a present situation that calls for comparison, such feelings tend to linger and become more chronic by nature. “Because they are holding grudges against each other, both partners fail to understand each other’s feelings,” says Newman. If they can’t reach a place of mutual respect and understanding, it’s hard to see how Capricorn would be compatible with Leo, and vice versa.

Leo and Aquarius compatibility

Fixed air sign Aquarius sits opposite to Leo on the zodiac wheel. “They are natural opposites,” says Stewart. According to astrologer Rachel Lang in a previous interview with Well+Good: “For Leo, passion is extremely important. For Aquarius, intellectual stimulation is important.” Their relationship can go one of two ways— either they balance each other out, or they clash more often than they get along.

In the best-case scenario, “Leo can help Aquarius find themselves and their own unique value as an individual, while Aquarius can help Leo see the value of the people around them,” says Stewart. They also work well when they play together, adds Lang, and it’s important for the two signs to focus on keeping things fresh, fun, and light to truly thrive as a pair.

Leo and Pisces compatibility

Mutable water sign Pisces and Leo are quincunx, or five signs apart, from one another—and while this can point to irreconcilable differences within their relationship, they can find commonality in their shared passion for self-expression. As Stewart previously told Well+Good, “Self-expression is vital to both Pisces and Leo.” What’s more, the signs are similarly heartfelt and sensitive.

While they can forge a lasting relationship over their shared characteristics, it won’t be without conflict. “Pisces and Leo’s mode of expression are so different from one another that they may rub each other the wrong way at times,” says Stewart. If they can’t understand echo other’s communication style or keep their emotions in check, even the smallest issue can send their romance into a tailspin.

Frequently asked questions

What does a Leo need in a relationship?

Passionate and heartfelt, Leos seek loyalty and commitment in a relationship with those they love. As they will often shower their partners with attention and affection, they likewise want their loved ones to offer them the same.

Who is Leo not compatible with?

Astrologically speaking, Leo are not usually compatible with water signs Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio. They can often dampen Leo’s fire, and conversely, Leo might come off as harsh for the emotional water signs. However, this isn’t to say that a fire-and-water partnership is off the table—as with any relationship, it can thrive with mutual respect and understanding.

Key Aquarius Traits

Aquarius is known as the humanitarian of the zodiac sign, as well as the sign of friendship. For these reasons, people born in the sign of Aquarius often possess a desire to help others and make a difference in the world. Aquarius’ ruling planets Uranus and Saturn also make them forward-thinking. “As a [fixed] air sign, they’re confident, analytical, progressive, self-reliant, and intelligent,” Emily Newman, astrologer, psychic reader and spiritual healer at The Best of Psychic Readers, says.

“[Aquarius is] confident, analytical, progressive, self-reliant, and intelligent.”—astrologer Emily Newman

One of the zodiac’s deepest thinkers, Aquarius is in constant search of “life purpose,” and they’ll keep searching for answers and clues for self-discovery, as well as for new ways in which they can touch the lives of others and to make them brighter and better—it’s Aquarius’ way to find their “why” and role. They routinely question their role in the world and try to extend a helping hand to others. “Aquarius values independence, and they don’t seek help readily from others or let their inner strife show, and keep emotions inside and hidden behind their tough exteriors,” says Newman.

But while Aquarius can be clever and imaginative, Newman explains that they can also be pessimistic, rebellious, absent-minded, and aggressive. And they tend to overthink and get overwhelmed by incessant thoughts and don’t seem to handle stress and anxiety well.

Aquarius Compatibility in Relationships

Aquarius and Aries Compatibility

Two of the most independent signs in the zodiac, Aquarius and fire sign Aries make a great and strong pairing. Free-spirited Aquarius is drawn to fiery and assertive Aries. For these reasons, Aquarius is very compatible with Aries.

Communication shouldn’t be much of a challenge either, because both signs are up-front and honest. “In terms of connections and relationships, both zodiacs are highly mature,” Newman says, where they know what they want and go after it with direction and force—they can work together to get after their goals, too.

The one place communication may falter has to do with emotions because it takes time for Aquarius to open up emotionally and Aries wears many of their emotions on the surface. However, once Aquarius decides they’ve found their “person” and the one that’s worth committing to, they’re loyal and refuse to give up. Aries’ passion and commitment are a great balance to this, Newman says.

One potential hiccup is that both signs may struggle with emotional availability so they’ll have to work together to meet each other in the middle. But because Aries is so forward-charging, they must be careful not to let their emotions get the better of them when they’re angry and to act too hastily. Aquarius does expect the same commitment and loyalty in return, so they might become disappointed and sad when there’s lack of reciprocation or presence of apathy, where they aren’t given the attention or priority they feel they offer and thus too deserve.

Aquarius and Taurus Compatibility

Despite both being fixed signs, Aquarius and earth sign Taurus will butt heads and are not very compatible. “When these signs interact, they will activate each other’s more stubborn inclinations,” astrologer Maria Sofia Marmanides says. “Aquarius will not want to budge on what they think or believe and Taurus, who is slow to display their emotions or reveal their thoughts, will not match Aquarius’s energy and may be too “chill” for [them].” Aquarius wants a debate partner and someone who will engage with them—Taurus isn’t this person. “These two may just push each other’s buttons in uncomfortable ways,” she adds.

Aquarius and Gemini Compatibility

A fellow air sign, Aquarius and Gemini, go well together. “Gemini, like Aquarius, is ruled by the air element and is a talkative sign with two personalities, and is known for being the sign representative of the twins,” says Newman. Aquarius is quirky and loves to laugh, play and embrace life’s new experiences and unexpected adventures. There’s enough movement to keep Gemini occupied and having fun.

“An issue may be that Gemini often have difficulty staying with a single individual for long periods of time, since they tend to grow bored quickly and easily,” she says. However, Aquarius also craves space and independence, which suits Gemini well, and has an open-minded attitude and approach to life, in general.

Plus, their similar communication styles add benefits for making it easier to discuss more serious matters  and understand each other in order to grow stronger together, as a couple. “Aquarius can provide ground for various discussions,” Newman adds, to stimulate Gemini’s mind and to steer serious talks, to help them find a sense of perspective and common ground.

Aquarius and Cancer Compatibility

Cancer, a water sign, is one of the least compatible signs with Aquarius. “In this case, the opposite attracts and fails, as Cancer needs emotional support from their spouses, while Aquarius is more rational or logical and much less emotional,” says Newman.

Cancer’s whole world revolves around the home and family, and they desire to be with their loved one and partner all the time, where they do pretty much everything together. Sometimes called the “aliens” of the zodiac, Aquarius needs alone time to recharge and reflect by themselves, and to have a bit of space from others, including their partner.

They also have vastly different worldviews and ways of behaving. “Cancer is a conservative sign, whereas Aquarius is a rebellious one,” Newman says. Cancer is much more reserved and restrictive and Aquarius’ is wild, open-minded, and spontaneous. Newman says the difference is too great for the relationship to ever really work.

Aquarius and Leo Compatibility

According to Marmanides, Aquarius and Leo are a case of opposites attracting.  A luminous, confident fire sign, Leos share Aquarius’  need to help and please others. However, they totally differ in their approaches. “Leos want to entertain and bring people joy and achieve that by putting themselves at the center,” Marmanides explains. “Aquarius wants to help people by making systems better and does so by centering other people.” These two could balance each other nicely if they do the work to understand each other, Marmanides says.

Aquarius and Virgo Compatibility

Virgo is an earth sign, and can be a good match with Aquarius if both partners really put in the work. However, it will have to be a lot of work because Virgos differ greatly from Aquarius due to their need for perfectionism, organization and extraordinarily high standards. Virgo is neat, technical, and detail-oriented—not traits Aquarius excels at.

But according to Newman, Virgo and Aquarius can actually be a very successful match because while they have totally different approaches, they’re both ambitious, hard-working, smart, and curious. They may make great friends.

Romantically, however, problems could arise because of how they go after what they want. Newman says that because Virgos tend to imagine visions and goals with their ideals in place and then set high, exacting standards to achieve them, they’re hard on themselves— and even more so on their partner (even if unintentional or not understood). This behavior may come off as judgmental and unaccepting and whileAquarius is already not apt to open up emotionally, they could be made to feel vulnerable and unloved.

Newman says that Aquarius doesn’t expect to be fully understood, but does wish to be listened to and not made to feel foolish or crazy. They want to belong and share in love, despite each other’s imperfections, and to find them endearing, instead—and they’ll want compassion and quick reassurance, at times where they feel they’ve failed in their duties and let others down. Virgo can be stern or cold if Aquarius doesn’t meet expectations for perfection, and so must be willing to work on lowering such high standards to become more humanistic and understanding.

Aquarius and Libra Compatibility

Libra is a pretty compatible match for Aquarius. Libra’s charm, kindness, and generosity make the fellow air sign care deeply about connecting with other people. This passion may lead them to developing a wide and vast network of social connections, or really putting their time and energy toward advocating for or giving back to others. Societal improvement is top of mind for Aquarius, so they’d feel right at home helping Libra—and debating and considering all the questions that come up along the way. “These two signs together can be quite a formidable force when it comes to social justice and community building,” Marmanides says. “Romantically, each will have to learn how to open up and share their personal feelings more but as friends or partners, they can easily succeed at whatever joint venture they put their minds together on.”

Aquarius and Scorpio Compatibility

While Aquarius and Scorpio would be intrigued by each other’s intelligence, this pairing would be intense. They are square to each other, which means tension exists between them; however, Marmanides says “passion and sparks will definitely be flying between the two, and they will naturally feed each other’s innate curiosity and fascination with other people.” They also have different communication styles. “What can happen is a battle of wills and trust issues can surface as Aquarius’s need for socializing will conflict with Scorpio’s desire to keep their circle small,” she explains. While Aquarius talks through topics at least but keeps feelings and emotions surface-level, water sign Scorpio dives deep and gets intimate which would be tough for Aquarius.

Aquarius and Sagittarius Compatibility

A fire sign, Sagittarius is one of the best compatible signs with Aquarius, as they both have a sense of passion and love of life that’s contagious. “Both of these signs are emotionally independent and complement each other, and they are similar in their enjoyment of new experiences and adventures,” says Newman. They’re also dedicated to improving and strengthening their own independence and personal development, and they can work together to be there for each other, without being too codependent and clingy (a turn-off for both signs).

Aquarius and Capricorn Compatibility

On its face an Aquarius and Capricorn pairing seems like a total mismatch because of how different the temperaments of these two signs are. “Where Aquarius is bold and innovative and willing to shake up the status quo, Capricorn as a sign is often designated as * the embodiment of the status quo or at least, ingrained, immovable structures and systems,” she says. Very different from Aquarius who will do anything to march to the beat of their own drum.

However, Marmanides says that while they’ll this pair will have its challenges, they could actually really work. Two Saturn-ruled signs that can share a cusp, Aquarius and Capricorn can find commonality in their shared pragmatism and efficiency. “If these two can be honest with each other, this will work,” she adds.

Aquarius and Aquarius Compatibility

According to Marmanides, two people who share the Aquarius sign would be very compatible together. “When an Aquarius meets another Aquarius, it’s often a symbiotic feeling, like recognizing a person from your home country while you’re traveling abroad, and there’s an instant recognition that you both deep down feel a bit like a fish out of water,” she says. “Two Aquariuses will celebrate each other’s eccentricities and quirks.” She adds that two Aquariuses together will find a willing and enthusiastic partner in exploring new places and ideas. “As long as they don’t compete with each other, this pairing can work very well,” she says.

Aquarius and Pisces Compatibility

Despite the fact that Pisces can share a cusp with Aquarius, it’s one of the least compatible signs with Aquarius because they’d have difficulty relating to each other’s sensitivities, mannerisms and emotional needs. Pisces is a water sign known to be very dreamy and emotional—pretty much the opposite of rational, logical Aquarius.

It’ll take real time and practice in order for this pairing to progress and work as a couple. Aquarius doesn’t like to be overly expressive and tends to hide their feelings, and so, they may feel awkward or unsure about how best to respond during those passionate bouts or emotionally-heightened moments with friends or loved ones—especially those with their partner.

Because there’s a difference in how these two signs cope with and express their emotions, Aquarius may hurt Pisces’ feelings. “It’s conceivable that Pisces may be hurt by Aquarius’ actions regularly, with the thinking that Aquarians do know and comprehend what is upsetting Pisces and is thus required of them, as a way to offer support; yet, they just choose to ignore it and don’t care,” says Newman. To bridge this gap, they’d really have to work to communicate and overcome their difference. Pisces may feel that Aquarius doesn’t understand them, while Aquarius might feel that Pisces is too emotionally demanding.

Frequently Asked Questions

Which Zodiac sign is an Aquarius’ best match?

In terms of soulmates, Marmanides says the one for Aquarius is Sagittarius. This powerful combination of intellect and drive has the potential to propel each sign forward, and both signs will feel accepted and understood while also being challenged enough to grow.  “Aquarius is a deep thinker and they want to be appreciated for their mind, how they think, and what solutions or innovative ideas they come up with,” Marmanides explains. “As a fire sign, Sagittarius is inclined to add fuel to creative thinking and is open-minded and adventurous enough to go along with any eccentric or out-of-the-box ideas Aquarius proposes.”

Which Zodiac sign is an Aquarius’ worst match?

It’s important to consider more than just someone’s sun sign to assess whether they’re a good or bad match for Aquarius; be sure to read your entire chart and dig into all its facets before ruling anyone out. However, Marmanides says that from a “purely sign-based, archetypal perspective,” Cancer is the worst match for Aquarius. “For Aquarius, an air-based, fixed sign, there is comfort in logical reasoning and pleasure in health debate and discussion, whereas Cancer, a water-based cardinal sign, is much more prone to need to process events through their feelings,” she says.

What signs does Aquarius get along best with?

According to Marmanides, Aquarius is most at home with fellow air signs Libra and Gemini, plus fire signs like Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius. “Whether in friendship, business, or in love, even if they don’t always agree or may compete to see who has the best idea, an Aquarius will at least understand where these signs are coming from and what motivates their thinking and their actions,” she says.

What signs does Aquarius not get along with?

Aquarius doesn’t really understand water (Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces) or earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn) so they get along with them the least, according to Marmanides. These signs have different values from Aquarius and different methods of mental processing that make it hard for them to see eye-to-eye. “With these signs, operating from a need for material or emotional security is the priority, and that’s just not where Aquarius starts from initially,” she says.

The idea first came to Marin, author of Sex Talks, when she confronted a dip in physical intimacy in her own relationship. In the first few months of the pandemic, when stay-at-home orders were in place, Marin realized that she and her husband of 15 years weren’t kissing each other hardly at all—which was unusual for them. “The night my husband and I met, we spent six hours making out, but then we got a couple years into our relationship, and I couldn’t tell you the last time we made out for more than a minute if it wasn’t around sex,” she says. When the pandemic hit, their kissing dry spell became a full-on drought.

“It has created this special connection and really brought the sense of intimacy and excitement back into our relationship.”—Vanessa Marin, LMFT, sex therapist

To regain some of that early physical excitement, Marin and her husband decided to try making out with each other every night, incorporating just a 30-second or minute-long make-out session as part of their nighttime routine before bed. And they enjoyed this quarantine ritual so much, they’re still going with the nightly make-outs three years later.

“The point was just to have a couple quick moments where we were fully present with each other and to try to channel some of that teenager energy,” says Marin, describing the unique hotness of a make-out session at an age when sex might not have been on the table. To similar effect, making out every night has become a way for Marin and her husband to engage in physical intimacy without necessarily tying it to the additional time and energetic burden of having sex. “It has created this special connection and really brought the sense of intimacy and excitement back into our relationship,” she says.

Below, Marin shares how and why making out with your partner every night before bed can help reignite the passion—and keep it burning—in a long-term relationship.

Why making out with your partner every night can boost your relationship

Many of the couples that Marin sees in her practice express to her that they miss the early stages of their relationship—when it was riddled with less shared responsibilities and more shared passion, and when the opportunity for kissing and sex wasn’t always a given. As life happens and connections deepen, raw physical passion can take a backseat.

And that’s where making out with your partner every night can come into play. These make-out sessions provide a dedicated opportunity for physical connection that might otherwise fall the wayside in long-term relationships, especially when the day-to-day tasks of work, cohabitation, and/or coparenting become all-consuming. “By the time you get into bed at night…the idea of having sex feels like this huge burden because you’re so disconnected from each other,” says Marin. “Making out is a way of keeping some of that sexual tension and excitement alive [without the added pressure of sex].”

Indeed, many long-term couples who’ve long graduated from the honeymoon phase only engage in passionate kissing or making out as a means to initiate sex, says Marin, which can create a strong link between any kind of physical contact and sex. Unfortunately, that tends to lead to less intimacy overall: If every passionate touch is linked with sex, you’re probably not going to kiss your partner unless you’re fully ready to get it on. And assuming that any physical contact from a partner implies a bid for sex could lead you to bristle or cringe upon being touched when you’re not in the mood for sex.

Adding more kissing into your partnership just for kissing’s sake can help detach physical intimacy from full-on sex, thereby lowering the barrier for participation. That is, it might just feel easier to kiss a partner more frequently if there’s no subtext of sex. And kissing more often can only do positive things for your mutual feelings of intimacy and connection.

That’s why Marin especially recommends the practice of making out with your partner every night to long-term couples who are feeling disconnected—but she also contends that any couple can benefit from it.

To get started, try it out for a month, and see where it leads without putting any pressure on yourselves. Just like anything you commit to doing every day, the result won’t always be the same. As for Marin and her husband’s experience? “Some nights, [the kissing] does lead to more,” she says. “But some nights, we’re exhausted, and we’re just like, ‘Great, that was 10 seconds of fun contact.'” On other nights, they might forgo the kissing altogether (for instance, if they’re having a fight or one of them is sick). But in general, they try to kiss for at least a few seconds each night with no expectations of it leading to anything else.

You can also adjust the practice to make it yours, adds Marin. For example, if you don’t like kissing with tongue, don’t, and if you’d rather make out in the morning instead of at night, go for that instead. And if kissing really isn’t pleasurable to you at all, she suggests trying some other form of daily physical contact, whether that’s cuddling, hugging, or holding hands on the couch. “The idea is to choose something that feels very practicable and doable, no matter how tired you might be,” she says.

“People-pleasers have a challenging time with conflict and being disliked,” says Steph Tuazon, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in trauma and shame. “So in day-to-day life, people-pleasing can show up as someone going out of their way to ensure the other person has a good time, in hopes that the other person will refrain from having any negative thoughts or feelings toward this people-pleaser. While this may be seen societally as selfless, kind, or accommodating, often, this can negatively impact the people-pleaser in never quite feeling like they can be themselves, trust themselves or trust others.”

How people-pleasing can impact your sex life

The implications on people-pleasing, then, can certainly extend to one’s sex and dating life. During sex, people-pleasers may be apt to prioritize their partner’s pleasure at the expense of their own. Many people-pleasers may not even consider their own needs, desires, or wants during sex, but instead focus solely on what their partner wants.

“People-pleasing in sex can look like someone having difficulty being in their body to receive pleasure unless they know the other person is satisfied.” —Steph Tuazon, LCSW

“People-pleasing in sex can look like someone having difficulty being in their body to receive pleasure unless they know the other person is satisfied. If the other person is unsatisfied in any way—or even if it’s perceived this person is unsatisfied—the people-pleaser can feel immense guilt and responsibility in disappointing this person,” says Tuazon.

As a people-pleaser, I’ve struggled with being overly concerned about what my partner thought of my performance during sex. I’d spend an entire sexual experience analyzing what my partner thought of me. Ultimately, this led me to seeing sex as a performance that was either a failure or success based on how satisfied my partner was and how they viewed me. For years, I didn’t even consider my own sexual desires or needs.

Similarly when it comes to dating, Justine Ang Fonte, MEd, MPH, sexuality educator, known as“Your Friendly Ghostwriter” on Instagram, says people-pleasing can result in a failure to communicate your needs and preferences in a relationship, cause a disconnect between you and a partner, and limit your understanding of each other’s needs.

“There are numerous and various reasons for people-pleasing: Most humans don’t want to seem difficult or cause conflict, and they foresee things to be easier if they just [people-please],” says Ang Fonte. Tuazon adds, “people-pleasing does not always have to be a learned response from coping with trauma, but it can be a trauma response.” This can be a result of childhood trauma in which you learned you had to be pleasing to your caregivers in order to have your needs met, or it can be a trauma response known as “fawning.”

With fawning, “when someone is triggered, rather than run away, become stuck, or try to fight, they will try to appease this person and try to earn their approval—often at the expense of their own well-being and usually as a way to create a sense of safety,” Tuazon says.

Best tips for moving past the people-pleasing cycle in bed, according to experts

While people-pleasing can be overwhelming and impact many different realms of your life—including sex and dating—there are ways to curtail its effects. “The best way to stop people pleasing during sex is to practice before sex starts,” Tuazon says.

Sex can be a high-stakes moment, where it may feel very intimidating to be honest about exactly what you do and don’t like, so instead, start by practicing in your everyday life. Next time your best friend asks what movie you want to watch, check in with yourself and take an honest inventory of what you actually want. Practicing noticing and asking for what you want in your everyday life does help you ask for what you really want in bed.

Tuazon adds that instead of leaving conversations about what you do and don’t want to unfold in the heat of the moment, talk with your partner before sex starts about your preferences and consent. Since people-pleasers typically want to ensure their partner has a good time, saying you don’t like something in the midst of a sexy interlude can be more intimidating, especially if you anticipate it will take away from your partner’s enjoyment.

You might also draft a yes/no/maybe list with your partner that denotes all of the sexual behaviors you want to try, might want to try, or don’t want to do. This gives your partner an entire list of your sexual preferences without you actually having to say them, and can also function as a conversation starter in its own right.

While people pleasing can be a difficult habit to break, you’re not alone on this journey, and there are ways to make sex more enjoyable.

Because, as a 2021 study published in the Journal of Counseling Sexology & Sexual Wellness points out, the idea of friends with benefits (FWB) simply involves having a consistent sexual partner without the commitment of a romantic relationship. And according to many experts, it can be a perfectly healthy partnership—despite what movies may have you believe.

“For most people, friends with benefits allows friends to enjoy sex while agreeing to avoid developing deeper feelings for one another,” says Lisa Lawless, PhD, a psychotherapist specializing in clinical psychology, relationships, and sexual health. “Some may choose to focus more on the sexual benefits, while others may focus more on the friendship aspect. And the dynamic can also allow people to explore sexual preferences and identities without the pressure of a committed relationship.”

Nazanin Moali, PhD, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist, notes that FWBs often stem from pre-existing friendships that evolve to include sexual activities, but for others, “it could involve previous partners or exes with whom they maintain a friendship and continue to engage in sexual encounters.”

Unlike “situationships”—as Dr. Lawless calls casual sexual encounters with few, if any, rules or agreements—a successful FWB setup requires greater care. Dr. Maoli adds that, “as with any relationship, communication and mutual understanding of well-defined boundaries are essential for maintaining a healthy and satisfying arrangement.”

4 rules for being friends with benefits in a healthy way

1. Establish your own intentions up front

Before embarking on a FWB relationship, Dr. Moali says, reflect on “why you are choosing this type of relationship with this person instead of pursuing a committed partnership.” Dr. Lawless, who is also the CEO of the sexual product line Holistic Wisdom, concurs: “It is essential to make sure to explore psychological factors that may drive a desire for this type of relationship, such as a fear of commitment from past traumas or negative relationship experiences. There’s nothing wrong with exploring a FWB relationship, but it’s critical to be honest with yourself about whether or not this is what you really want.”

2. Select your FWB partner carefully.

“Not everyone is cut out for a FWB relationship,” says Dr. Lawless. “If you suspect this person is in love with you and sees this as an opportunity to start a relationship, or vice versa, it is best not to start down this path.”

3. Communicate boundaries clearly and honestly

Casually entering into FWB territory won’t serve either of you—and neither will speaking in generalities. “Clear communication with your partner is crucial,” says Dr. Moali. “Share your intentions, preferred modes of communication, and any specific preferences you have for interactions before, during, and after engaging in sexual activities.”

If you want to cuddle or expect to spend the night and share a morning coffee the next day, make that known up front. Dr. Lawless also recommends deciding jointly if you will discuss the nature of your relationship with others, if you will spend time with one another’s friends or family, and if you will post about each other on social media.

It’s also vital to come to an agreement on additional sexual partners. “If you plan on being exclusive sexually until one of you finds a relationship, you need to express that,” Lawless says. “If not, neither of you should expect exclusivity.” No matter what, practice safe sex. Discuss STD testing and, if necessary, birth control.

4. Have periodic check-ins

Like a job with performance reviews, there are no drawbacks to touching base every so often with your FWB partner. “Keep checking in with each other to see how you’re managing participating in the relationship and if you would like to change anything,” says Dr. Lawless.

She also warns that participants should be prepared for these relationships, however healthy, to eventually end. “These types of relationships have a low long-term success rate—the bonds in FWBs are often temporary and conditional,” says Dr. Lawless. “It’s best to accept that as a possibility up front.”

3 common friends with benefits complications—and solutions

Even the most carefully orchestrated friends with benefits setups are not without risk. Like all relationships, they evolve in ways the participants might not expect—or want.

1. When jealousy strikes

It’s normal for people in FWBs to experience a range of emotions, but one that often comes as a surprise is jealousy, especially as it appears in the context of a non-exclusive arrangement. “Understanding the stories behind each emotion can help manage the situation more effectively,” says Dr. Moali. “For example, two people may see their ‘friend with benefits’ with another partner and both feel uncomfortable. One may feel disrespected while the other feels hurt.”

Understanding the underlying reason for the jealousy will also help inform how you reset boundaries within your FWB relationship. “Having those crystal-clear boundaries is one of the most important things you can do to prevent either of you from hurting one another,” says Dr. Lawless.

2. When you want to explore a new relationship

Having a FWB relationship can make dating other people challenging. “It may keep you from exploring a relationship that may be ideal for you, or it may be a turn-off to a potential romantic partner,” says Dr. Lawless. “If you want to explore a romantic relationship in the future, outside of your FWB, understand that it’s not without complications.” Again here, communication is key. The more open and honest you can be upfront with your FWB, the better the odds are that you can remain friends when your sexual relationship ends.

3. When romantic feelings develop

Even the most well-intentioned FWB partnerships can find themselves dealing with this scenario. “Despite the intention to remain just friends, it is possible, even common, for people to develop affection when they have regular sexual encounters,” says Dr. Moali. Although she cautions ever trying to change a partner’s mind or persuading them to commit, these emotions shouldn’t be swept under the rug. “If this happens, acknowledge the neurochemical changes in the brain that can lead to these feelings and approach them with self-compassion and curiosity,” she says. “Ask yourself what it is about the arrangement that is intriguing—are you interested in this particular person, or do you find the idea of being in this context attractive?”

Lawless adds that if one partner develops feelings that another can’t reciprocate, the lack of mutual feelings can be too painful to process.

“Sex with a friend will change your relationship and in some cases ruin it,” she says. “Understand the risks you are taking, and do some of that work up front. Consider ahead of time how you would like to manage such emotions if they arise. Determine whether you would feel comfortable sharing your feelings with your partner or prefer to process them independently. Open and honest communication with your FWB partner, and yourself, is the key to making it work.”

Now that it’s spring, I thought, “Oh, how lovely! We’ll be able to walk again.” When a Well+Good editor reached out to see if I’d be interested in walking for at least 15 minutes every day for a week to see how it felt, it seemed like a great opportunity to try to kickstart a new habit. Unfortunately, I forgot that living in Pennsylvania (or anywhere on the East Coast from Virginia on up) means you get the dreaded second winter.

On day one, it was beautiful—which got my hopes up for this little experiment even more. I loaded my daughter up in the car, lifted the stroller into the trunk, and we made our way to the nearby Bradford Dam. We crossed over the first hill to see the water and ambled along the walking trail over bridges and beneath the gorgeous trees to find the bench we love to sit on.

The sunlight danced on the water, and I thought, “Oh yes, we’ve made it.”

Then, the next day, the temperature dropped back down into the 20s. We had to put on our hats, gloves, scarves, coats, and everything in between for just a quick stroll around the neighborhood. It became cumbersome and difficult again. It was tempting to give up and just stay indoors—but I’d committed to at least 15 minutes, so I bundled up and did it.

Once we got outside, though, no matter how bitterly cold it was, I realized that even just a short time in the fresh air turns our day around. It gives us a chance to escape the mundane routines and reconnect with each other and nature.

Walking gives me time with my 3-year-old daughter, who points out the flowers people hang on their doors, the birds tweeting in the trees, and the puppies that go “woof woof.” Slowing down and seeing the world through her eyes with no distractions is a gift. Not to mention, pushing a 15-pound stroller containing a 34-pound toddler adds to the physical challenge of the walk in the best way.

When I wait until the evening, walking together gives my husband and me a chance at conversation that doesn’t always come easily with never-ending to-dos, technology, and housekeeping that needs doing when we are within our (albeit comfortable) four walls.

And on the days when my daughter is at childcare and my husband is at work, that simple walk lets me do something I enjoy, for just me. I can listen to a podcast, audiobook, or some of my favorite music and let myself escape, even if just for 15 minutes. It’s a reset. I can feel my muscles activating after being stationary at a desk for so long; it’s a welcome relief to be on the move and for my legs to be working.

Most days, since it’s been so cold, I’ve kept the walk to just 15 to 20 minutes. But on the nice days, we let ourselves get lost in the sunshine and walk until it’s mealtime, nap time, or time to do more work. Either way, my body is always thankful and full of so much more energy as we make our way up the driveway and back into the warmth of the house.

National Walking Day, established by the American Heart Association, is April 5. But it’s worth it to get out of the house to put one foot in front of the other, even if it’s colder than you want it to be—this is true any day of the year. As the weather truly does break, my family and I are excited to keep this up as a sacred ritual, a part of the daily routine for connection, time in nature, and proper relaxation.

To loosen up after a walk, try these foot stretches:

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, the bristle reaction is an involuntary response. It’s subtle, but it can be very confusing and even upsetting to both partners. “It’s someone you presumably love and trust, yet you’re having this very intense reaction to this very simple touch,” she says. But bristling doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, and it’s a reaction that can be rewired with time.

Why someone may develop a bristle reaction

Compared to the early days of courting, the amount of physical touch tends to lessen the longer a couple is together. A bristle reaction may develop if the only time partners initiate this type of affection is as a form of foreplay, which can make simple gestures feel loaded and like a means to an end—hence why someone may bristle at such advances if they’re caught off guard or not in the mood. “We start to make this association that when my partner touches me or tries to kiss me, it’s supposed to lead to sex, so it can lead us to develop this hyper-vigilance to our partner’s touch,” Marin explains.

“We start to make this association that when my partner touches me or tries to kiss me it’s supposed to lead to sex, so it can lead us to develop this hyper-vigilance to our partner’s touch.”—Vanessa Marin, LMFT

Coupled with this, many people in longer-term relationships may stop initiating sex clearly with their words, which means the hints that someone desires sex are mostly physical. They may know each other so well that they can read each other’s non-verbal cues, but relying only on this is imprecise and can even be jarring and confusing, especially when you’re not in the headspace for sex. “If you’re not in the mood at that moment and you feel your partner coming in for some contact, your walls are going to go up as a protective mechanism,” Marin says. In these moment’s it’s important to remember that the bristle reaction is an involuntary response, and may not reflect how you genuinely feel about bids for affection from your S.O.

What the bristle reaction means

While it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re no longer attracted to your partner, a bristle reaction is a good indication that there’s something worth examining. Marin says it could mean there’s some communication missing, it could indicate you feel disconnected, or that there is unresolved tension at play. And it’s not an inherently negative reaction, but more of a surprised one.

No matter the reason, Kiana Reeves, somatic sex educator and chief content officer of sexual wellness company Foria, recommends not pushing through the bristle reaction in the moment because involuntary bodily responses are chances to go deeper and examine what’s happening underneath that hasn’t been expressed. It could mean that you’re not in the mood for sex, or you don’t feel comfortable being touched in that specific way at that moment.

To figure out why you are bristling, Reeves recommends following this protocol in the moment: pause, notice the emotion, communicate the emotion, and identify the need. “Usually when you start to pay attention to the sensation, an emotion rises with it,” she says. For example, maybe you notice that you feel lonely, and you in turn communicate to your partner that rather than have sex, you’d like to be held or kissed instead.

This initial conversation can be with yourself, but it could eventually be an avenue for a longer, honest dialogue with your partner, which she says could increase intimacy. “It actually could be a beautiful opening in a relationship to say ‘I love when you touch me and kiss me, but you only do that when you want sex and it makes me feel objectified, or ‘I love when you kiss me, but when you come at me with your tongue it’s too intense,’” Reeves says.

3 ways to get over the bristle reaction

1. Ask your partner to use their words to initiate sex

A key cause of the bristle reaction is the element of surprise. Marin recommends couples initiate sex with their words, rather than by touching so the request is clear. “If we’re not clear with our communication there are so many opportunities to miss each other and miscommunicate,” she says. Direct verbal initiation takes any guesswork out of the equation. When you’re in the mood to have sex, tell your partner clearly.

2. Incorporate more touch in your daily life that isn’t tied to sex

Another key underlying factor of the bristle reaction is the association with physical touch leading to sex. Touching each other more often without sex involved helps disentangle this connection. “You want to break the connection that touch is supposed to lead to sex,” Marin says. Couples should try incorporating more kisses, hugs, back rubs, and massages into their day-to-day routine just because.

3. Tell your partner your favorite ways to be touched

Marin says that another cause of the bristle reaction is being touched in an unwelcome way or in a place you don’t like. For example, not everyone will appreciate being smacked on the butt or having their arm or leg grazed. But rather than listing all the things they’re doing wrong, she recommends letting your partner know exactly how you’d like to be touched; she says many couples don’t share this information with each other, and that this is a great opportunity to do so. “It’s easier and more fun to share your favorite ways you’d like to be touched,” she says. “Pick your top three and say, ‘I love it when you touch me in this place, in this way.’”

So to recap

If you find yourself involuntarily bristling at your partner’s touch, know that this doesn’t automatically mean you no longer love them or are attracted to them. Quite often, it’s an indicator that there is some underlying, unexpressed emotions at play—not totally atypical in long-term relationships. So before you go any further, the first thing you want to do is see if you can identify what feelings the physical touch is bringing up for you or what need is going unmet, then share that info with your partner. Chances are there is a breakdown in communication somewhere that needs to be sorted out. And remember that the most effective way to clear the air is through honest, clear, direct talking. It’s the fastest way to turn bristling back into butterflies.

To put it simply, mirroring means matching an individual’s verbal and non-verbal cues during an interaction, says licensed psychologist Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, PhD, a mental health provider with the Hope for Depression Research Foundation. Typically, it involves reflecting someone’s words, tone of voice, body language, or positions, he explains. “If you’ve ever seen two people in conversation sitting in the same position, crossing or uncrossing their arms or legs at the same time, leaning in toward each other, or even speaking in the same tone of voice, you’ve witnessed mirroring,” says Dr. de la Rosa.

Far more than a game of copycat, however, mirroring is a powerful communication technique that can make people feel really connected to one another. “It can create a sense of immediate intimacy,” says Dr. de la Rosa. But because of this, it can also create a false sense of security if you’re not careful.

Exactly how mirroring can fast-track closeness

It’s basic human nature to be drawn to that which is similar, and mirroring communicates similarity. When someone uses the same turns of phrases, accent, or gestures as you, it signals to your brain that you are alike, explains Dr. de la Rosa. In one study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that how similar the two people are, plays a significant role in the future of that relationship.

Despite the popular adage that opposites attract, researchers found that the desire to find like-minded folks is hardwired into us. “From the very first moments of awkward banter, how similar the two people are is immediately and powerfully playing a role in future interactions. Will they connect? Or walk away? Those early recognitions of similarity are really consequential in that decision,” said Angela Bahns, assistant professor of psychology at Wellesley College and a lead author on the study, in a press release.

Further, mirroring can be used to show that someone is listening to you, rather than just hearing you—and vice versa—says psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist Lee Phillips, PhD. During disagreements, this can be especially useful. When you re-use the words your partner just used to share their point of view, you can reveal that you really understand what they are saying “rather than just thinking about your next point in your argument” he says. In practice, this can decrease both people’s reactivity and replace it with a sense of a common goal: To get to the other side of the argument as a team.

These are all good things for fostering healthy relationships and forms of communication with someone you care about. But mirroring, like any powerful tool, can be used for good or evil, depending on how you deploy it, so it’s important to understand the downsides of mirroring to avoid being taken advantage of by the technique.

When the mirroring communication technique can backfire

Indeed, mirroring can create closeness—but it can also create the illusion of closeness. “Mirroring is a surface behavior,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist Heidi McBain, LMFT, LPC, PMH-C. So while it can reveal someone’s empathetic and compassionate intentions, “it can also be used to cloak more sinister intentions,” she says.

Psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths often actively mirror their victims’ communication style in order to manipulate them, according to Phillips. When they are mirroring you, they are doing so to gain your trust, and learn more about your identity and vulnerabilities, so they can use it against you for their own gain down the line,” he says.

Identifying well- vs. mal-intentioned mirroring

It can be challenging to determine when someone is using mirroring to manipulate us versus when they want to deepen our connection with it, according Dr. de la Rosa. “People who use mirroring in this malicious way are often good at it and may trick others into believing that they genuinely care,” he says.

That said it’s not impossible to spot the different—it just requires a strong gut instinct, as well as both self and relational awareness. Taking the below into account can help you decipher the underlying intentions of the action.

1. Well-intentioned mirroring can look someone providing you a service speaking your language (verbal or non)

If you have hired someone for a job (in exchange for money), there is a good chance that they are intentionally mirroring you. “Therapists, for example, often use mirroring with their clients in psychotherapy to build rapport and maintain a connection throughout therapy,” says Dr. de la Rosa. Here, he says, they are intentionally mirroring you to help you feel comfortable enough to share what you need to share in order to give you an effective therapeutic experience.

Waitstaff and sales folks will often also copycat your gestures and intonations in order to build rapport. Here, the goal is to create a relationship with you that is mutually beneficial. After all, you’ll leave the interaction feeling warm and fuzzy and they’ll leave with a hearty tip.

Generally speaking, this type of mirroring is well intentioned and not something to worry about, according to Dr. de la Rosa. Of course, there are times when sales people use mirroring in a way that feels, on a gut level, disingenuous — but more on that below.

2. Mal-intentioned mirroring will set off your spidey senses

Typically, when mirroring is coming from a pure place, you feel that you are in-sync with the other person, McBain says. However, when it’s coming from a less well-meaning source, you’ll often feel like there is a disconnect.

“If something is feeling ‘off’ to you, you may be reading the other person’s non-verbal cues and picking up on feelings, emotions, or intentions that are not heart-centered, caring, compassionate, or empathetic,” she says. If that’s the case, it could be a sign that their intent could be malicious or self-serving.

For example, say an interaction you have with an acquaintance at a cocktail party felt phony despite how closely you were talking, chances are it was phony! Similarly, if you feel like a pushy car salesman is trying too hard to connect with you, it could be because they are using mirroring tactics to make you want to buy something from them.

Your move: Ask yourself if—in the deepest part of your body— he interactions feel aligned, natural, and genuine. If not, listen to that inner-knowing and respond accordingly.

3. Things feeling too similar is typically a sign of suspect mirroring

Ask yourself: On a scale of one to 10 how much mirroring is happening here, exactly? “A sign that someone is using mirroring for evil is that they over-do it,” says Phillips. Like, wayyy over do it.

“When a narcissist is mirroring you, they go over the top with it,” he adds. For instance, they will mimic your body language and expressions and gestures, he says. According to him, someone who is not narcissistic, conversely, usually will only mirror one or two of these aspects. In other words, people who are mirroring out of a genuine place are more subtle.

If you feel like the person is literally your image’s mirror and mouth’s parrot, this person could be trying to intentionally manipulate you.

4. If it feels too good to be true, it probably is

Don’t hate the messenger, but beware of any situation that feels like you’ve met a carbon copy of yourself. Take pause if you find yourself, or the other person, saying things like:

• I’ve never met anyone who XYZ like me before…
• Oh my gosh are you my soulmate (or soul-sister)?
• Wow, we are so similar!
• I feel like I’ve known you in my whole life.

In particular, if you (or they) are saying them early on into your relationship. It is common for psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists to use phrases like this soon after you just met to hook you as a form of love bombing, says Phillips. “These phrases may suggest that they are similar to you and care about you, but they aren’t and they don’t.”

No doubt, it’s possible that you have met your soulmate! But if you can, try to slow down, learn more, and find out the truth about the person by meeting and talking to their friends and loved ones, asking them questions, and observing how they are when nobody’s watching. After all, your true soulmate won’t be put off by you asking to dial the intensity back a notch…or three.

Just to be clear, mirroring is a powerful communication practice that can help you show someone you’re listening and care, but because of it’s ability to make us feel connected to another person, it’s important to be aware that some people will use this technique for ulterior motives. Imitation, after all, is the most sincere form of flattery—and flattery is a subtle form of emotional manipulation.

Shortly after closing our laptops, we’d head out the door for up to 45 minutes, just strolling the neighborhood, finding neat homes or green spaces we somehow hadn’t noticed in the 12 years we’ve lived in the area. We took in our town with a kind of stillness and observation that we just weren’t able to pre-pandemic.

As the months, and then years, of the COVID-era rolled on, and WFH stuck around permanently for him, then part-time for me, the one thing that remained a constant were these long walks we’d take every evening as a family of three. (Yes, dogs are 100 percent family.) Even when I had to go into the office, we continued the habit, with him and Zoey meeting me after I got off the bus. Those days were even sweeter because it was a true decompression time post-commute.

It was subconscious at first, simply finding solace in the routine of it all, but with time, we began to realize the consistency of this half-hour or so spent together, phones tucked away and work set aside, allowed us to connect in a more mindful way.

Some days that meant simply relaxing after long hours on Zoom, laughing at Zoey’s antics, walking mostly in relative silence. Often, this time allowed us to check in with each other in a more measured way. Asking not just how our days were, but how we felt about an interaction, and honestly, what we hoped for our future, whether that was merely weekend plans, or something more existential. We’ve been dancing around the kids convo for a while, and while it’s still super tricky to navigate, talking about it while we’re walking has felt like a nice way to ease into scary territory.

“In an incessantly distracted and always-on world it can seem that you’re always ‘together’ but never truly there, especially when it comes to our intimate relationships,” says Katina Bajaj, co-founder and chief well-being officer of Daydreamers and a clinical psychologist with a masters degree from Columbia University’s Spirituality Mind Body Institute. “There are so many subtle cues that you send each other when you’re connecting in person, without distractions, that you miss when you don’t prioritize it.”

As my husband and I became more aware of how nice it was to have this time to be more present for each other, and how it seemed to move complex or difficult conversations forward, we made the interactions more intentional. We set aside one day a week where we’d specifically use our walk to “check in”—ask a probing question, talk about a topic on our minds, or clear the air about something that we felt was lingering. For instance, my husband had been feeling a little restless at work, while at the same time, my own career was taking more and more of my attention.

“Doing something enjoyable together, like walking your dog or creating a new recipe, increases your collective dopamine,” explains Bajaj. “Also, during a creative flow state, the part of your brain responsible for internal mental chatter begins to quiet down, leaving space for vulnerability and a reduction in self-consciousness—all important elements to building stronger, deeper connections.”

And I saw this work IRL for us, as the casual nature of a walk with the dog allowed for the right amount of mindfulness without feeling interrogative or combative, especially when a certain topic felt tricker to navigate. Plus, by the time we got home, we generally felt lighter emotionally, really ready to relax for dinner and couch time where we could comfortably zen out and totally unplug.

I don’t think either of us would have predicted a simple walk with our pup would have turned into something that mattered so much to us both, but we’re holding steady on our commitment to create space for each other and for Zoey—no matter what that looks like, it’s time well-spent together. I can honestly say, we still do everything in our power to stay committed to this time. We only skip our evening walk when we truly can’t move something to accommodate it.

For Bajaj, she says she’s not so surprised by the subtle yet positive effects. “Most [human] connection is happening subconsciously,” she says, “so being near each other, doing things you enjoy, is much more powerful than you think.”

Unhealthy forgiveness refers to a type of forgiveness that may seem positive on the surface but can be harmful in the long run. It can look like continuously forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts you without any change in their behavior; forgiving someone without acknowledging the harm they caused or minimizing the impact of their actions; or accepting an apology too quickly, without taking the time to process and heal from the hurt the person caused.

Forgiveness is a choice after all, and there’s power in knowing that you get to choose what you allow, tolerate, and deserve. If you’re not ready to accept someone’s apology, it’s important to communicate your feelings in a clear, direct, and respectful manner. Here are some tips you can follow.

3 steps to take when you’re not ready to accept an apology

1. Take time to process your emotions

Before speaking to the person, allow yourself some time to reflect on why you’re not ready to accept their apology. It’s important to understand your feelings and make sure you’re not reacting impulsively or out of anger.

2. Be honest and direct

When you’re ready to have the conversation, be clear and honest with the person. Let them know that you appreciate their apology, but you’re not ready to accept it yet. Explain why you feel this way, and use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame.

What to say to someone from whom you’re not ready to accept an apology:

Here are some scripts to help you brainstorm what you may want to say so you don’t wind up accepting an apology or telling someone you forgive them for something you’re not actually ready to forgive.

• “I appreciate you apologizing but I need to see changed behavior before we can move forward.”
• “I am not ready to go back to the way things were. I need some time before I can forgive you.”
• “I am not ready to forgive you. I am still deeply hurt by your actions and I would like for you to respect how I feel and give me the space that I need.”

3. Set boundaries

If the person continues to apologize or tries to pressure you into accepting their apology, it’s important to set boundaries. Let them know that you need more time to process your emotions, and that you’ll reach out to them when you’re ready to talk more.

Be open to future conversations

While you may not be ready to accept the person’s apology now, it’s important to be open to future conversations. Let them know that you value your relationship with them, and you’re willing to work toward a resolution when you’re both ready.

Remember, it’s okay to process your emotions and decide if you’re ready to accept an apology. While forgiveness can be a powerful and healing experience, it’s important to remember that it’s a personal choice and not something that should be forced or expected of someone. Ultimately, the decision to forgive someone should be based on your own values, beliefs, and emotional needs.

Overall, know this: Any efforts will likely be appreciated if you mean well and want to make your friend or loved one feel cared for. However, each person’s needs are different, so the more you fine-tune the role you play for them, the more helpful you’re likely to be.

How to support someone going through surgery

1. Be realistic about what you can offer

When supporting someone through a vulnerable time, we might be eager to make promises right off the bat. But one of the worst things we can do is offer a ride, money, childcare, or help, and then not follow through on that when it’s actually needed.

The first step to being supportive is looking inward at your own schedule, emotional bandwidth, and other commitments. Natali N. Edmonds, PsyD, ABPP, a board-certified geropsychologist (a psychologist specializing in care for seniors with dementia and their caregivers), stresses that it’s super important to ensure you’re meeting your own needs to take care of someone else on a full battery. It’s a classic “put your airplane mask on before your child’s” situation.

Remember: One of the main needs of someone going through a hard time is having a stable, low-stress environments. If you want to cook them dinner and bring it over during their recovery, that’s great! Or, if you are ready to take part in caregiving in a bigger way, like driving them to appointments, being present day-of, or even hosting them at your home, go for it. Just make sure anything you say you’ll do is something that’s actually going to be feasible for you to deliver on.

“You can decide ahead of time what you can and are willing to do to support them. You can also be clear on the signs and symptoms of your mounting stress that indicate it may be time for you to slow down or take a break,” says Dr. Edmonds. To be clear, there’s a difference between not following through on something you said you could do, and simply recalibrating your support most sustainably.

2. Don’t forget about what you can offer before surgery

“One of the biggest misconceptions I see people have is that support is only post-surgery,” says Brian Clark, CEO of United Medical Education and an emergency medicine nurse of 20 years. “There is a significant psychological impact pre-surgery that often goes ignored. Post-surgery has a lot of physical limitations and consequences, but the psychological aspect of knowing that you made it through makes those burdens easier to bear.”

Pre-surgery support could look like helping your friend go through insurance information, or taking on administrative tasks like making appointments. Sometimes the million little tasks get hard when it brings you closer to surgery—especially one you aren’t looking forward to. Some surgeries are exciting, like a gender-affirming procedure or something that will fix an injury. Other surgeries may not be guaranteed to solve a particular medical issue, or even may confirm if the problem is worse than they thought. Keeping in mind the bigger picture of what they’re going through can help you find that particular puzzle piece in which your care could fit.

3. Consider the skills you have

Maybe you’ve taken care of kids for years, so you are the perfect person to hold your friend’s hair while they throw up from post-op nausea. Or maybe you love to cook, or know just how to make your friend laugh. It can’t be overstated how okay it is to be realistic about your unique skills. Every friend is different, and being the one to text funny memes, FaceTime regularly as a distraction, or drop off food is just as valuable as the person who can be in recovery’s trenches.

In today’s world, there’s also a need to pay bills. If you’re a writer or a talented graphic designer, consider offering to author your friend’s GoFundMe or design the cover photo. Fundraisers can be emotionally easier for someone else to manage. (Think about going through surgery, and then consider putting yourself out there by asking for financial support. An exhausting combination, to say the least.)

4. Find out what they need, but also offer suggestions

Most of us aren’t great at asking for help. Get a sense of what might be useful, but don’t put the onus on your loved one to request it.

“Don’t just say, ‘What can I do to help?’ or ‘Let me know if you need anything!'” says Dr. Edmonds. “If you do, they will likely not have an answer or say nothing. Instead, you can say, ‘I was thinking of mowing your yard this weekend; would that be okay?'”

5. Know that even small gestures matter

Sometimes it feels like support is either just sending a card and a GoFundMe donation, or helping them shower while they’re hazy on pain medication, with no in-between.

However, there isn’t a hierarchy of value to these roles. The handwritten notes, the Grubhub gift cards for meals, and the help during post-op showers are all going to be appreciated. Any effort is part of an ecosystem of support. The cards that wish someone well are gestures of care that the primary caregivers may not have time to get to. Donating to a GoFundMe can feel impersonal, but might be what someone needs to pay for their surgery. Remember that your presence is valuable, even if that’s just a text or time spent watching a movie. These efforts work together to knit a supportive net that your friend or family member can rest in while they recover.

At the end of the day, it’s awesome that you’re researching ways to be more supportive of your friend. That alone is a sign your loved one is lucky to have you along for the ride.

Introvert vs. Extrovert Quiz

The Extroversion Introversion Test by Psychology Today, which you can take here, is composed of 81 questions. It claims to take 25 minutes, but it took me almost 40 minutes to complete. According to licensed clinical social worker Darcy Sterling, PhD, who holds her doctorate in quantitative research, it’s probably worth your time. Casting a wide net with numerous questions, she says, allows for multiple questions to test the same measure and, in turn, provide for more confident conclusions. The value here is that the findings of the test may help you ascertain whether you’re more introverted versus extroverted, which can help you understand yourself better.

“We need to know ourselves to manage our own moods and our own lives so that when we show up for others, we show up as our best selves.” —Darcy Sterling, PhD, licensed clinical social worker

“We need to know ourselves to manage our own moods and our own lives so that when we show up for others, we show up as our best selves,” says Dr. Sterling. For instance, if an introvert puts too many things on their calendar, they might not have all the energy they need to be fully engaged in those activities. Another related reason the results of the introvert-extrovert quiz may be valuable to folks is that mismatches in these traits can make navigating romantic relationships tricky, adds Dr. Sterling.

After completing the quiz, you’ll receive results that break down into four scores in different categories: sociability, cognitive orientation, self-disclosure, and a need for space. Read on to find out what each means as well as how they relate to introversion and extroversion.

4 Test Measures To Determine Your Status as Introvert or Extrovert

1. Sociability

Per the sample report of the Extroversion Introversion Test, sociability is defined as “the extent to which you are outgoing and enjoy socializing.” As you may already know, a hallmark trait of a classic extrovert is thriving in social situations (i.e., higher sociability), while introverted people may be more apt to enjoy a quiet evening at home or an intimate gathering with just their closest friends (i.e., lower sociability).

2. Cognitive orientation

Essentially, this measure denotes the way that someone processes thoughts, emotions, and life experiences. Introverts tend to use metacognition (thinking about what they’re thinking) more than extroverts, which basically means that the former likes to sort through their emotions before they share them with others. On the other hand, extroverted people tend to gravitate toward working through their thoughts as they’re talking about them.

3. Self-disclosure

Self-disclosure has to do with whether you freely express your thoughts and feelings to others or tend to be a more private person. “Best of luck trying to get an introvert to tell you their life story,” says Dr. Darcy. “You have to earn the trust of an introvert.” Someone who skews more extroverted in self-disclosure, though, may be more of an open book. They may very well answer all of your questions—assuming they didn’t already disclose a lot.

4. Need for space

Need for space has to do with the extent to which you’re the type of person who prefers and requires alone time. According to Dr. Sterling, extroverted people are adept at energetically recharging by way of hanging out with others, so they’re likely to not have a huge need for alone time or personal space. Alternatively, “an introvert is, [for the most part], somebody who refuels in the absence of company of others,” says Dr. Sterling.

Knowing where you fall in the four areas of the Extroversion Introversion Test can really be a game-changer in how you understand yourself and, in turn, the way you operate in the world. Once you know how sociable you’re comfortable being, how you process your thoughts and emotions, what you like to share with others, and how much alone time you need, you can start tailoring your self-care practices in alignment with that.

Frequently Asked Questions: Introverts vs. Extroverts

What are the key differences between introverts and extroverts?

“An introvert is a person who is most comfortable being alone and gets the most fulfillment and energy by being alone,” says clinical psychologist John Mayer, PhD. In general, introverts tend to spend time thinking about communicating to the point of overthinking and also skew sensitive. They also thrive from structure and enjoy deep conversations.

To that point, introverts can enjoy socializing, but often feel drained or exhausted as a result, says clinical psychologist Thea Gallagher, PsyD. “Having time to themselves is important for introverts.” Extroverts, on the other hand, often feel the opposite. “ get a lot of joy and pleasure from being with people,” Dr. Gallagher says, adding that extroverted people are commonly comfortable engaging in small talk and often feel crowds to be energizing rather than depleting.

“[Extroverts] love stimulation, communicating, talking on the phone and texting, and love social media,” says Dr. Mayer. Extroverts typically have a wide variety of interests, enjoy being the center of attention, thrive when working on group projects, feel at ease around others, and like to share their thoughts and feelings with others, he says.

Can you be both an introvert and an extrovert?

Introversion and extroversion are on a continuum, so while people do typically fall into one category, it’s certainly possible to have tendencies from the other side. “No one is really a complete introvert or extrovert,” Dr. Mayer says. “We are some degree along that continuum.” Think of this as a similar situation of being on the cusp of two zodiac signs: While you can, in fact, only have one single sun sign, you may exhibit characteristics common to the neighboring one.

“Introverts need to be more aggressive in finding ways to avoid all the rapid-fire stimulation that the world throws at them.” —John Mayer, PhD, clinical psychologist

And being an introvert or an extrovert generally look different for each person, Dr. Gallagher adds—but that may have to do with society’s shifting priorities and communication methods more than anything else because the basis for how you identify has to do with how your brain functions. This, says psychotherapist Mayra Mendez, PhD, hasn’t really changed over time. What has is how we use our brains to participate in the changing world. “Society can make these categories look different, and people who are introverted and extroverted act differently than they used to,” says Dr. Mendez.

For example, the advent of social media has made the world “the extrovert’s paradise,” Dr. Mayer says, explaining that the medium’s various platforms have allowed for “so many ways to communicate and participate in the world.” Extroverts, Dr. Mendez says, are more likely to be active on social media, share things with the world, and feel comfortable living out loud, Mendez says. “They don’t have to work as hard to connect with other people.”

This landscape of constant connectivity can skew tough for introverts, though. “Today’s world is flooded with noise and over-communication, therefore introverts need to be more aggressive in finding ways to avoid all the rapid-fire stimulation that the world throws at them,” Dr. Mayer says.

What introverts prioritize? What should extroverts prioritize?

If you’re an introvert, it’s crucial that you make sure to schedule alone time, says Dr. Gallagher. “Make it a priority to help you keep a happy and fulfilled life.” Also key for introverts is to set healthy boundaries as a means for saying no when necessary and recharging when they need to. And given that many coping mechanisms involve social situations and other people, it’s also crucial that introverts find creative, healthy strategies, like mantras.

Boundaries should also be top of mind for extroverts—more so in the the scope of respecting those of others, Dr. Mendez says. That doesn’t mean you can’t engage with other people—just don’t be offended if they aren’t as comfortable sharing information as you are. Dr. Mayer agrees. “The most common issue that I have seen clinically is that extroverts often have problems juggling boundary setting between themselves and others,” he says.

The most important thing to remember, though, is that neither personality is preferable to the other. Introverts and extroverts may be different, but in the most complex, nuanced, and personalized way—and it’s just part of what makes you, well, you.

Not to be confused with being funny, necessarily (though the two can go hand-in-hand), being goofy is more like being silly or, as Merriam-Webster would have it, being mildly ludicrous. But however you define it, exactly, goofiness is now becoming the attractive quality du jour.

This goofiness revolution first registered on my radar when I began to hear contestants proudly declare themselves as goofy or proclaim that they were looking for someone goofy or with whom they can “goof around” on recent episodes of The Bachelor, Love Island, and Perfect Match. But beyond this decidedly un-scientific research, relationship experts also confirm it’s a thing.

“Goofiness is really sexy these days,” says Michael Kaye, global director of brand marketing and communications at dating platform OkCupid. “People want to have fun with a partner, they want to let loose, and our data proves it: Ninety-two percent of the 95,000 people on OkCupid say they enjoy doing silly things, and those who do receive 34 percent more likes and have 16 percent more conversations than those who don’t.”

“Daters are looking for someone who isn’t afraid to show their goofy side and make them laugh.” —Logan Ury, director of relationship science at Hinge

Over on the dating app Hinge, daters demonstrate a similar proclivity for goofiness. “Daters are looking for someone who isn’t afraid to show their goofy side and make them laugh,” says Hinge’s director of relationship science Logan Ury. According to science, laughter can be as supportive of a relationship as it can be for individual well-being: “Laughter releases a happy cocktail of hormones, including the bonding hormone oxytocin, which can increase our trust in the other person,” says Ury.

But the reasons why being goofy is attractive go beyond the laughter that can often come as a result of it. Below, relationship experts break down why goofiness can be so alluring (including the deeper relationship needs that goofiness might satisfy) and why it may be increasingly common, among today’s daters, to go for the goof.

Why is being goofy attractive in a dating and relationships context?

A goofy person isn’t necessarily a fun person or someone whose comedic interjections leave you cracking up; what they are is someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously and isn’t too worried about portraying a perfectly buttoned-up image. “I think goofiness is synonymous with an ability to be self-deprecating or self-effacing, to be aware of and comfortable with your own quirks or idiosyncrasies,” says Jess Carbino, PhD, former sociologist for dating apps Tinder and Bumble.

“When someone says they want someone who is goofy…I think they’re saying they just want to be able to feel safe to be their true self.” —Erica Turner, LPC, therapist and dating coach

Dating someone with these kinds of qualities can lessen the pressure you might otherwise feel to maintain your own image. “When someone says they want someone who is goofy or someone that they can be goofy with, I think they’re really saying they just want to be able to feel comfortable and safe to be their true self and not have to put on any sort of façade,” says relationship therapist and dating coach Erica Turner, LPC.

In that way, goofiness can be a signal that someone is willing to let their guard down (at least a little bit), says Dr. Carbino. And that can feel particularly refreshing in the age of social media, where so much of our typical presentation to others is so carefully crafted and curated. “This kind of highlight reel sets the bar so high and can make people feel like who they truly are, isn’t enough,” says Turner. “The desire for goofiness can be a desire to get back to what’s real.”

Forgoing certain formal niceties in the dating process for something a little more goofy and natural can also grease the wheels of a relationship, speeding things along toward bonding, closeness, and mutual vulnerability. “Once you feel like you can be goofy or silly with someone, you also likely feel like you can be seen, known, and appreciated for your authentic self—your quirks, your uniqueness, your feelings, your ‘weird habits,’ or ‘out there’ interests,” says Turner. And feeling that way with someone can certainly increase your attraction to them.

The same goofy silliness can also be appealing once you’re in a relationship with someone. After all, a little joking around here and there can inject some much-needed levity into everyday life, especially in the troubling times we’re living through, says Dr. Carbino. Indeed, embracing playfulness in a relationship has been correlated with experiencing more positive emotions and less conflict and monotony. And other studies on playfulness in relationships (which isn’t far off from goofiness) have found it to be associated with stronger feelings of relationship closeness and satisfaction.

“Being goofy together means you’re sharing a dialogue, you’re sharing language, and you’re sharing activities.” —Jess Carbino, PhD, sociologist

Part of that relational benefit may spring from the intimacy of being goofy together with a partner, says Dr. Carbino. “That means you’re sharing a dialogue, you’re sharing language, and you’re sharing activities.” The resulting back-and-forth is the stuff of inside jokes and other silly little things that feel personal and private between the two of you—and therefore, special and intimacy-building.

Certainly, a whole host of other qualities beyond goofiness can affect your ability to bond with a prospective or current partner over time and to build upon your intimacy, caveats Dr. Carbino. On that list? Shared values, kindness, intelligence, and good communication and listening skills, to name a few. “In theory, having these foundational items in place will allow you to build that goofiness with each other over time,” says Dr. Carbino. “As you grow a relationship, you’ll have your moments, create your inside jokes, and get to know each other’s idiosyncrasies.”

But, it still stands that someone being naturally goofy from the jump may help shuttle that process along, allowing you to feel more comfortable being yourself in the dating stage. “You know that with that person, you won’t have to worry about being judged or shamed for showing the goofy side of yourself,” says Turner. And that’s a definite turn-on.

You should be over the moon for your BFF’s huge win, but instead, you’re more than just a little bit salty. This may leave you feeling like a jerk for not being more excited, but according to licensed therapist Deborah Vinall, PsyD, author of Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal from Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships, this reaction is completely normal. While you shouldn’t feel guilty or strange for experiencing envy, you should know that not all forms of the emotion are created equally.

Before diving into the two main types of envy and how they can impact your friendships, it’s important to understand why envy and its close cousin jealousy are not the same thing.

The difference between jealousy and envy

Jealousy typically occurs when you already have something but feel threatened at the prospect of someone taking what’s yours. It typically stems from fear of being replaced. Jealousy is the feeling you get when your romantic partner flirts with someone else or when your parent gives extra attention to your sibling.

Envy is the painful emotion you feel when you wish you had what someone else has. Unlike jealousy, envy stems from desire, not fear, says Dr. Vinall. While jealousy is external and revolves around attention from others, envy is internal and involves coveting someone’s possessions or life situations.

“When you allow unhealthy envy or jealousy to simmer, you draw energy and attention away from focusing on furthering your own goals.”— Deborah Vinall, PsyD

Benign vs. malicious envy

Despite its infamously negative connotations (it’s one of the seven deadly sins, after all), modern psychological research suggests that envy isn’t always so bad. Back in 2009, Tilburg University researchers proposed that there are two types of envy that humans can experience: malicious envy and non-malicious, or benign, envy.

What is benign envy?

Benign envy, says Dr. Vinall, is rooted in personal security and self-confidence. With benign envy, we become fixated on what others have and how they got it. Studies show that this form of envy can spark inspiration from within yourself to improve your own life and motivate you to change for the better.

“The primary difference between benign and malicious envy is personal security or insecurity,” says Dr. Vinall. “You may envy a friend for her success, wanting the same for yourself, and be inspired to increase personal efforts in that direction.”

Because this form of envy allows us to recognize that the accomplishments of others don’t lessen our own, we’re able to use it as a source of inspiration to better ourselves. Seeing others reach their goals, then, becomes a source of motivation: When we see our friends crushing it, we feel energized, not defeated, or bitter.

“When you are secure, others’ success is not threatening,” adds Dr. Vinall. “You can both desire to have what they have while feeling genuinely happy for them.”

What is malicious envy?

Alternatively, malicious envy is rooted in insecurity and occurs when we feel angry about the successes of others. Malicious envy is much more sinister than simply wanting what another person has: It involves believing that the other person doesn’t deserve it as much as we do. This type of envy can lead to feelings of resentment and even result in us rooting for our friend’s downfall, according to Dr. Vinall.

“It causes you to feel unhappy at the success of others, believing it dims your own star,” she says. “If your envy is fueled by insecurity, you may feel threatened by others’ success, and be driven to tear down your friend, sabotage her success, or minimize the accomplishment.”

Besides poisoning close friendships, this form of envy can keep us from reaching our full potential, Dr Vinall adds. Unlike benign envy, which can foster internal motivation and help propel yourself toward your goals, malicious envy fails to move you forward, directing your energy instead in an unfruitful direction.

How to deal with envy from others

If your friend seems a little green with envy lately, your first instinct may be to write them off as a bad friend. Instead, try to recall a time where you felt envious of them. Being on the receiving end of envy can be a huge test of empathy, according to Dr. Vinall.

“If they contributed in any way to your success, communicate that with gratitude,” she says. “Empathize with your friend’s feelings, and express hope that they, too, will experience their own heart’s desires.”

That being said, Dr. Vinall says you shouldn’t allow their envy to dull your shine. If a friend constantly attempts to undermine your accomplishments, it may be time to re-think your relationship.

“Know that it is not your job to manage others’ emotions,” adds Dr. Vinall. “You don’t need to minimize or hide your good fortune or accomplishments.”

How to deal when you feel envious of others

It’s normal to feel envious of our friends from time to time, especially when we’re going through a rough patch personally. What’s important is that we acknowledge that their good fortunes are wholly independent of our own, says Dr. Vinall. Dwelling in our envy draws energy and attention away from furthering our own goals and “holds you in a negative mind space, which extinguishes creativity, optimism, and goal-directed behavior,” she says.

Understanding the difference between the circumstances of your friend’s life and your own can help contextualize their successes, as well as any possible feelings of inferiority you may be experiencing. Consider the factors that led up to their good fortunes and where they are today. Was it sheer luck, or the product of all their hard work? Did they have access to resources you didn’t? Are they simply at a different stage in their career or life than you are?

When envy rears its ugly head, try to center the love, admiration, and awe you feel toward your friend, and use those feelings to fuel your celebration of them. “Remember that few things in life are truly winner-takes-all, and your own life path has limitless potential of its own,” adds Dr. Vinall. “Then get back to work at making your own dreams come true!”