The search results included lots of things that Bates didn’t need (like the side effects of the medication, which are listed on the package) and very little by way of information she did need: how people actually felt when taking it and whether those who’d experienced side effects from birth-control pills (like she had) had any issues with it. So, she instinctively turned to the women in her life, both in person and online, for help. The magnitude of the response awed her: People sprang into action, offering their firsthand experiences and advice in spades. These responses left Bates feeling far more comfortable buying and taking emergency contraception than when she was armed with just Google results.

Now, Bates is bottling the unique benefits of social crowdsourcing into the search engine she wishes she’d had then— powered by many, many more friends. Enter: Diem, the “social search engine” that draws on the collective knowledge of women and non-binary folks, as well as artificial intelligence (AI), to create a friendly, informative knowledge hub. Bates and Diem co-founder Divia Singh launched Diem in public beta in October 2021, and after refining through beta testing with thousands of users, they just launched the final product.

How Diem blends AI with community-generated content to offer accurate, applicable info

Designed for women-identifying and non-binary folks in their mid-twenties to early thirties, Diem aims to take all the knowledge, wisdom, and relatable humor that lives in so many individual group chats, organize it in one easily searchable spot, and supercharge that database with AI. The goal is to return simple answers to questions folks pose.

Think of Diem like a mix of Quora, Reddit, and ChatGPT: Users can ask their questions to the community and answer others’ questions, and they’re encouraged to interact to make answers as detailed, funny, personal, and insightful as possible

Think of Diem like a mix of Quora, Reddit, and ChatGPT: Users can ask their questions to the community and answer others’ questions, and they’re encouraged to interact to make answers as detailed, funny, personal, and insightful as possible. At the same time, the AI component collects data from those interactions among Diem users, as well as the broader internet, and uses it all to spin out comprehensive, yet super-relevant answers to questions.

For example, let’s say you want to know about how much it costs to freeze your eggs. You’d type that question into Diem, and the AI component would utilize its broader internet database and Diem user-contributed content to generate both a one-sentence answer and a longer one. And you’d receive both, alongside all the community-generated posts on the topic, in case you were interested in scrolling through them.

In this way, Diem combines the ease of AI with the personalization of knowledge from actual women and non-binary folks—the very kind of anecdotal information and life experiences and gossip often deprioritized by search engines due to bias (more on that below). It’s the combination, Bates says, that makes the information on Diem both useful and directly applicable to people from these communities. “The way we’ve always thought about building is, ‘How can we create a space where you could search for the collective insights of your communities?’” she says. “If you can build collectively with your community, it shapes the voice, data, and experience, and it ends up feeling different.”

The issue of gender bias on search engines and AI platforms

Because gender bias is prevalent in society as a whole, it also exists within internet search-engine algorithms, and fuels the gender information gap. It’s the same gap that Bates confronted when trying to find applicable, relatable information on the morning-after pill in 2018.

As evidence, consider the results of a 2022 study, for which researchers looked to determine whether Google Images searches in countries with higher gender-inequality scores (assessed with the Global Gender Gap Index) would also demonstrate a gender bias. To do so, they conducted a search for the word “person” in the local language of 37 countries in their first study and 52 countries in their second. In all cases, the Google search results in countries with greater levels of societal gender inequality also revealed greater gender disparity (meaning that a higher percentage of the first 100 image results showed a man versus a woman).

New AI bots have also been found to perpetuate gender bias. For example, Bloomberg reported that a computational scientist got ChatGPT to spit out code that said only Asian or white men would make good scientists; the company’s CEO responded to the scientist on Twitter, encouraging users to “thumbs down” such answers in order to help the program learn not to propagate bias.

When I asked ChatGPT a similar question, it said it’s not appropriate to use someone’s gender or race to determine whether they’d excel in a profession. But while it seems like the AI is currently learning to be less biased, it’s still relying on objective, compassionate users to train it to be that way. (Whereas Diem’s AI is largely trained on information created by and for women and non-binary people, and thus isn’t subject to the same issue of anti-women bias from the jump.)

“AI is only as good as the data it’s trained on, and because all humans have bias and prejudice, when their data is used, that bias and prejudice becomes a part of the AI.” —Nina Vasan, MD, psychiatrist

These findings illustrate how the biases we maintain as people naturally transfer to the products we create and the datasets to which we contribute. “AI is only as good as the data it’s trained on, and because all humans have bias and prejudice, when their data is used, that bias and prejudice becomes a part of the AI,” says psychiatrist Nina Vasan, MD, chief medical officer of digital therapy platform Real and founder and executive director of Brainstorm: The Stanford Lab for Mental Health Innovation.

How Diem aims to become a fun, informative search engine specifically for women and non-binary people

Given Diem’s intended user demographic, Bates says she thinks of the information shared on the platform and generated by the chatbot as answers to the questions people have when they’re in the “friend stage” of their lives; people absorb lots of information from friends when they’re in their mid-twenties and early thirties, she says. The idea with Diem is that you’re gaining perspectives from a variety of people of your age and gender identity with whom you may not have otherwise interacted, and that collective understanding benefits everyone on the platform.

Because Diem’s AI is fed with information directly from people of this demographic, it’s a representative platform by design. As of now, thousands of women and non-binary people have asked questions and shared answers on Diem about topics relevant to them, especially in the categories of personal health, money, and relationships—which is where Diem’s AI is best trained.

While it’s still learning, it pulls from a broader proprietary dataset (similar to the one that powers ChatGPT) to find information about questions that people in the community haven’t yet discussed. A point of differentiation, though, is that it still spins out a “summarized Diem-y answer” for these questions, says Bates, using actual Diem convos to inform the answer’s style and tone.

However, because Diem is still an AI relying on both user-generated content and that broader dataset, it is certainly not immune to the problems faced by other search engines and AI chatbots, including false, misleading, and, yes, even biased content. In turn, there’s a button within the app and on the desktop version to report abuse, and the platform has published a set of community guidelines—which promote things like “kindness and curiosity” and “empathetic engagement”—to ensure its users’ safety and the quality of the information.

Diem launches during a time when government officials in both the United States and European Union are exploring ways to regulate AI, largely because of the above concerns. In the U.S. specifically, President Joe Biden’s office released a draft of an AI Bill of Rights in October, a bipartisan group of U.S. senators led by Senator Chuck Schumer is working on legislation to establish guardrails around the industry, and four government agencies released a joint statement last month outlining the powers they hold to regulate the industry more robustly, particularly against discrimination resulting from bias.

But Bates isn’t deterred by entering this landscape. She predicts that there will be an “interesting shift in the future of the internet,” where people will seek out information that caters specifically to where they are in their lives. Rather than asking Google for dating advice, for instance, she hopes you’ll soon go to a platform like Diem, which will give you answers derived from people with a similar lived experience to your own.

“Right now, we exist in monopolies, and that impacts how we use the internet and what we expect of platforms,” says Bates. After all, those monopolies often reflect bias in favor of men. “I think the future of the internet is going to offer more niche experiences,” she says. And who’s to say a niche is necessarily small? As Bates points out, women-identifying folks make up a near equal share of the people on the planet. And now, there’s a giant group chat waiting for their input.

This week’s episode of The Well+Good Podcast delves into how competitive athletes can create a balanced life off the court or field, with stress relief being a big piece of that. Host Taylor Camille speaks with Nina Westbrook, LMFT, a former Division I college basketball player turned therapist and founder of digital wellness platform Bene by Nina, and sports psychologist Angela Charlton, PhD, who have recently partnered on a workshop designed to teach athletes how to boost their mental fitness.

Listen to the full podcast episode here:

“Typically, in competitive sports, the focus is the physical output—what we’re achieving physically, whether we’re winning games, whether we’re injured,” says Westbrook. “But what it really takes is a balance between the psychological and the emotional, the social wellness and the physical wellness. You have to be physically healthy to be able to compete, but in order to compete at a high level constantly and continuously, you also have to be mentally strong and mentally fit.”

That reality applies to any high achievers who may find themselves defending against a high-stress environment. And just like athletes, anyone who is looking to perform at their peak level will benefit from equipping themselves with stress-management tools—and practicing using them—before they wind up facing off with stress. “It’s important to have practical tools to be able to balance [everything on your plate] so that when you face those tremendous times of stress or those stressful transitions, you know how to handle them,” says Dr. Charlton.

Below, find Westbrook and Dr. Charlton’s top tips for how to manage high stress like a star athlete, even if you don’t have an athletic bone in your body.

How to manage high stress like an elite athlete, according to an athlete-turned-therapist and sports psychologist

1. Bolster your social ties, and build a life you love outside of work

Strong relationships, like those with friends and family, are essential to both mental and physical wellbeing and can lend support when it comes to handling stress. As a former college athlete herself, Westbrook emphasizes that people who hold a high-stress position or one that’s deeply wrapped up with their identity, need to enrich their lives outside of their jobs. That means maintaining friendships and relationships with family members, and doing things outside of your work that you bring you joy (yes, even if your work itself is joy-sparking). After all, your job isn’t the entirety of who you are.

2. Make time (even if it’s just a few minutes) for mindfulness

No matter what your day looks like, it’s key to fit stress-busting mindfulness practices into it. Yoga is Westbrook’s mindfulness activity of choice because of how it combines breathwork, mindful meditation, and movement. Dr. Charlton recommends diagphragmatic breathing, which can have a physically de-stressing effect—research has shown it can lower cortisol levels—and grounding techniques to really orient yourself to the present.

All of these practices can be effective for stress management and relief even in short bursts. If you really feel strapped for time, though, consider working mindfulness into your shower, says Dr. Charlton, “and just really utilize all their senses.”  To do this, simply turn your focus toward the sounds, smells, sights, and textures you’re experiencing in the shower; this has a way of distracting your mind from the other stressful thoughts that might occupy it.

Another tip for people low on time and high on stress? Try simply turning the lights off for 10 minutes and focusing on being present where you are to ground yourself, says Dr. Charlton.

3. Redirect stressful thought patterns

Thoughts can feed and exacerbate stress, particularly when they distort your perception of reality into something much more negative or upsetting than it really is. These kinds of thoughts are called cognitive distortions and include things like, “If I make a mistake, I will lose my worth and value,” and “I must get everything on my list done to be or feel accomplished.”

To avoid these negative spirals, it’s important to first recognize that “the way you think about something is going to significantly impact how you behave,” says Dr. Charlton. Being aware of this reality could help you identify when you’re stuck in a stress-inducing thought pattern.

If you do catch yourself thinking in negative circles, pause to examine the factual information of the situation, and assess whether your thoughts are truly rooted in those facts. Dr. Charlton gives the example of passing by a friend at a shopping mall who doesn’t say “hi” to you, and then resorting to thinking that they are mad at you or don’t like you—both of which are conclusions that could cause stress. By instead thinking through the facts of the situation, you’d also realize that it’s possible this friend never actually saw you. This realization can help reframe the interaction from something upsetting to something much more benign.

For more tips from Westbrook and Dr. Charlton on how to get ahead of and manage stress in high-stress environments, listen to the full podcast episode here.

How to use a sleep cycle calculator

In general, most adults need between seven and nine hours of sleep per night. Someone who gets this recommended amount will generally go through between four and six sleep cycles (all of the sleep stages), according to Shelby Harris, PsyD, director of sleep health at Sleepopolis. “Each stage of sleep plays a different role in promoting physical and mental health, so it’s important to fully cycle through all of them,” she says. “For example, deep sleep is important for physical restoration and muscle repair, while REM sleep is important for cognitive function and memory consolidation.”

“Each stage of sleep plays a different role in promoting physical and mental health, so it’s important to fully cycle through all of them.”—Shelby Harris, PsyD, director of sleep health at Sleepopolis

Here’s how this sleep cycle calculator works: You input the time you’d like to wake up, and then it will produce some times you could consider falling asleep, and also roughly how many sleep cycles you’d go through for each time.

For example, if you want to wake up at 7 a.m., the sleep cycle calculator says you could achieve about six sleep cycles through nine hours of sleep if you go to bed at 10 p.m., versus only three cycles if you go to bed at 2:30 in the morning.

The importance of getting enough sleep and setting a consistent wake time

Waking up at the same time as much as possible is an integral part of good sleep, according to Jade Wu, PhD, sleep psychologist and author of Hello Sleep. Dr. Wu says the most important part of ensuring good sleep is to set that anchor on the back end (i.e. a regular wake time) to be sure you’re not jet lagging yourself by creating inconsistent sleep/wake times.

You can always go to bed earlier if you’re tired, but changing your wake time (even to try to catch up on sleep over the weekend) can throw your circadian clock out of whack; however, staying on a steady schedule for the appropriate number of hours will ensure you stay on track and hit all the stages of sleep you need. It’ll also make this process easier.

“If you get enough sleep most of the time—and sleep at about the same time every day—then your sleep cycles will naturally sort of fall into place and be pretty consistent from night to night and your brain will sort of wake you up at the correct time,” says Dr. Wu.

While these are some general rules of thumb for better sleep, ultimately, sleep is highly individualized, says Raj Dasgupta, MD, pulmonologist and sleep medicine specialist with Keck Medicine of USC. So if you’re utilizing tools like a sleep cycle calculator, it’s best to use them as a general information source and not a rigid guideline.

What’s better, according to Dr. Dasgupta, is to listen to your body’s needs and try to sleep when you feel tired. Don’t force anything that doesn’t feel right. “If my calculator tells me to go to bed at 8 p.m. and I’m not sleepy, that could be counter-productive,” he says.

Remember that the quality of your sleep is also important. To ensure a good night’s rest, both Dr. Wu and Dr. Dasgupta say to follow good sleep hygiene practices: Limit screen time and exposure to blue light before bed; make your room dark, quiet, and cold (specifically between 60 and 68 degrees F) to ensure the best environment for drifting off; and do soothing activities like meditation to get yourself in the mood to wind down. If you do all the things that ensure you’re getting the recommended amount of good sleep you need each night, you’ll be floating off to dream land and cycling through all the sleep stages in no time.

2 key differences between a rough patch and a relationship-ending event

The presence—or absence of—trust and respect is a good metric to distinguish between an obstacle to work through together or something that breaks a couple up. Many issues can be worked through if you still trust and respect your partner, according to relationship coach Adelle Kelleher, founder of Coaching Hearts Consulting. For example, even something that can seem major, like if someone was unfaithful, can just be a rough patch if the trust and respect is still there or can be recovered.

The presence—or absence of—trust and respect is a good metric to distinguish between an obstacle to work through together or something that breaks a couple up.

When evaluating whether an event is a bump in the road or the end of the road, Kelleher advises asking yourself how you feel about your partner. “If you are able to communicate through it and afterwards are still able to trust and respect that person from a non judgmental standpoint that could be a rough patch you can move past,” she says. “But if you feel like no matter what, at the end of the day, you’re always going to question them, then that may be the reason for ending the relationship.”

Understanding and accepting your partner’s motivations

Another key piece of distinguishing between a rough patch and a reason to break up is knowing about the motivations behind your partner’s actions, says Jess Carbino, PhD, former sociologist at Tinder and Bumble. If you know what drives your partner’s behaviors, that can help you figure out if something is able to be worked through or not.

Another key metric to look at is whether your partner accepts you for who you are. Dr. Carbino says this doesn’t mean partners have to like everything about their S.O., and that pushing one another and growing together is part of a healthy partnership. But if you feel like your partner is always judging and disrespecting who you fundamentally are and what you value, that’s a relationship red flag you don’t want to ignore.  “If you feel like this person will never fully accept you for who you are or is being critical of you on a regular basis and doesn’t respect you, I think that is the sign that it is not a rough patch, but rather an unbridgeable conflict or issue in the context of the relationship,” she says.

Dr. Carbino adds that everyone has a relationship signature that follows them around in their partnerships—like struggles with intimacy or fears about commitment. Whether or not these patterns become stumbles or end points in relationships is about whether both partners can accept and work through their own signature issues, plus those of the other person. To Dr. Carbino, this is the difference between what’s bent out of shape and what’s broken.

How to differentiate between disagreements and deal-breakers

As Logan Levkoff, PhD, sex and relationship expert, previously told Well+Good, “a deal-breaker is something that challenges your core values.” These are the types of conflicts that will be difficult to sort through because they signal vastly different desires and needs; anything can be a dealbreaker, depending on the person.

For example, would be if two people disagree about wanting children or if they come from vastly different religions, says Laura Louis, PhD, psychologist and founder of Atlanta Couple Therapy. If you find that the boundaries around your values are constantly being pushed or violated, that could be a sign it’s time to head for the exits instead of something to work through together. (Dr. Carbino adds that any kind of abuse, whether physical, emotional, or verbal should be considered a dealbreaker.)

Beyond the presence of trust and respect, conflict resolution is a key indicator of the viability of a relationship

Remember: The presence of conflict itself is not a reason to break up, necessarily because conflict in any relationship—even healthy ones—is inevitable, according to Dr. Louis. And arguing and fighting fairly can actually benefit a relationship by bringing any lingering issues to the surface. Where people run into trouble however, Dr. Louis says, is when conflict happens without communication. She says that if someone stonewalls, or shuts down without communicating, the problems can fester. And not communicating can cause these issues to warp into relationship problems.  But it’s also important to recognize if you find yourself constantly fighting with your partner in a draining, damaging way.

As you progress in your relationship, you may discover that you want different things than your partner. According to Dr. Louis, this also doesn’t necessarily have to mean it’s time to break up, and could signal that it’s a rough patch that can be worked through. “Most couples have perpetual problems where there’s not necessarily going to be a solution, but they can come to an understanding and a place of respect for each other and compromise,” she says. For example, disagreements about money aren’t inconsequential, but they may be able to be worked through if both people make compromises. “It may not ever be completely resolved,” Dr. Louis says, “but if they can compromise, those couples are able to stand the test of time.”

While there’s a mountain of evidence showing that social connection is paramount to good mental and physical health and key to fighting off loneliness, it’s certainly possible to have too much of a good thing: Socializing to the point of running out your energetic battery can lead to social exhaustion or burnout, particularly if work or other obligations are also filling up your plate. In turn, a (digital) stack of invitations can quickly go from exhilarating to exhausting—no matter how appealing and fun each one may sound. After all, these invites are all bids for your time, of which you only have a finite amount.

Read on for why you may find yourself with more social obligations in the spring, plus expert advice for managing your social life this season, so you can have fun without burning out.

Why the arrival of spring can make people more social

A tendency to imitate nature

Part of the reason why you may find your phone blowing up with more invites in the spring is because of the ways we, as humans, follow nature’s seasonal cycles—that is, on a biochemical level, according to Viktoriya Karakcheyeva, MD, director of behavioral health at the Resiliency and Well-Being Center at George Washington University’s School of Medicine & Health Sciences.

In general, just as winter brings a slow-down and a hibernation season for nature, it does so for us, too; and as plants bloom and animals return to their full activity in warm weather, so do we. “Winter is a time for turning inward, and there’s less movement and more stagnation in the body,” says psychotherapist Lia Love Avellino, LCSW. “Once spring comes around, we see the flowers bloom, and the weather is more inviting, so it makes sense why we would have the inclination to be out more [with friends].”

“Once spring comes around, we see the flowers bloom, and the weather is more inviting, so it makes sense why we would have the inclination to be out more [with friends].”—Lia Love Avellino, LCSW, psychotherapist

Shifts in our circadian rhythm, which is influenced by light exposure, also play a role in changing our behavior with the seasons; as evidence, consider the fact that we actually get less sleep in the summer months (when there are more daylight hours for socializing and activities) than we do in the winter months (which is also when we tend to feel more sleepy).

The mood-boosting effects of sunlight

Another reason why people may be inclined to be more social in the spring and summer is the opportunity to be out in the sun and reap all its health-supportive benefits.

For starters, sunlight exposure has a powerful effect on mood, triggering the brain to release more serotonin, a neurotransmitter that can influence your happiness and promote calm. The sun also stimulates the production of Vitamin D, which may play a role in mood regulation that helps fend off depression. All of this positive sun-boosted energy could also “make you more open to new information and social experiences, and thus more likely to make plans with friends,” says Dr. Karakcheyeva.

More opportunities for social activities

The fact that it may simply be easier to get together with your friends when it’s not snowing, raining, or freezing may also have something to do with the avalanche of invites come spring and summer, according to psychologist Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD.

Just think about the broader potential for activities in the warmer months as compared to the dark, cold, and sometimes wet winter ones: Enjoying a barbecue, spending time at the beach or hiking up a mountain, having a picnic in a park, and dining al fresco are all fun and often social activities that are much more feasible to do when it’s warm out. And the more you choose to engage in these outdoor activities, the more you might feel inclined to do so (and to invite friends along, too) because of the ways in which spending time in nature can boost your mood and work wonders for your mental health.

The happy nostalgia of warm-weather months

Dr. Rubenstein also points out that many people may associate spring and summer with positive memories from their childhoods—think: spring break or summer vacation, for example. “This can motivate people to seek the same positive experiences and emotions in adulthood by planning events and socializing during the warmer months,” she says.

Certainly, some folks may connect the winter months with just as many happy social memories—for example, memories made with family members around the holiday season—but the nostalgic ties between summer and carefree socializing, in particular, are often deeply ingrained. And this may lead folks to concentrate their social plans during spring and summer months in adulthood, says Dr. Rubenstein.

How to manage your social life as spring arrives in order to avoid social burnout

Don’t ramp up too quickly

If you’re getting an influx of invites all at once, resist the urge to accept them as they arrive, says Avellino. By, instead, easing more slowly into a busier schedule, you’ll be able to more effectively decide how you want to spend your time with friends and clearly evaluate the necessary trade-offs you may need to make in order for that to happen.

In general, it’s important to leave some breathing room in your schedule, at least in the beginning of the warm-weather season. “Our bodies have been more at rest in the winter, so ramping up might actually take a bigger toll than we would like or anticipate,” says Avellino.

Set boundaries

Dr. Karakcheyeva advises taking some time to set clear boundaries for your social life during this period of greater social obligation. To do so, decide what kinds of social activities you’d most like to do, and what days or time periods make the most sense for you to work them into your schedule, taking into consideration other commitments and priorities.

From there, you can set a social boundary around a particular activity or a timeframe. For instance, you might choose to avoid late-night or early-morning hangouts because you want to prioritize sleep; or, you might decide to schedule only one big-group outing during any given week or month, if you know that those kinds of hangouts are more draining for you. Whatever your reasoning, stick with it as a means to determine which social invites you accept and which you turn down.

Once your boundaries are in place, communicate them to your friends and loved ones, says Dr. Rubenstein, so they know the kinds of activities you’ll be interested in doing this season and can hopefully adjust their invites accordingly.

Naturally, these boundaries can—and should—shift with time, particularly if they don’t seem to be working. That’s likely the case if you’re no longer enjoying the company of friends; you feel more sad, irritable, or anxious; you’re unable to make decisions; or you feel physically exhausted after interacting with others, says Dr. Rubenstein. These are all signs that you may be on the brink of social burnout, and you need to ramp things down.

Evaluate each invitation individually

Once your social boundaries are in place, you can more effectively evaluate any invite against those boundaries. Because every invite reflects a choice to be made, you may initially be tempted to make the decision that will avoid disappointing a friend or loved one. But Avellino suggests reframing each invite, instead, in terms of what you want and your boundaries.

To do this, consider conducting a cost-benefit analysis, says Dr. Karakcheyeva. “It might sound selfish, but think about what you would gain from the interaction versus what you would lose—because you might be paying more emotionally than the benefit you’re receiving in return.”

For example, if you’re recovering from a stressful work week and need to sleep, but a friend you haven’t connected with in a while really wants to hang out, you need to decide whether the benefits of seeing them outweigh the costs—and if not, whether there’s the potential for a more balanced compromise. Perhaps that means prioritizing your sleep that night, but making a plan to get coffee or go on a walk with your friend the next day.

Schedule time to yourself

Jamming your calendar full of activities without leaving any free time for you to spend alone is a surefire route to social burnout. Alone time is an essential component of mental health and emotional wellbeing, so Dr. Rubenstein recommends actually penciling it into your schedule.

During that time, “prioritize activities that help you recharge and rejuvenate, such as exercise or meditation,” she says. “This can help prevent burnout by ensuring that you have the energy and motivation to socialize when you do choose to do so.”

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, everyone is a little different in terms of how they like to initiate sex (if at all) and what kinds of sex initiation styles they find, well, sexy. For example, physical cues, like a soft caress or a hand on a lower back, or a verbal mention of sex may be a turn-on to one person and a turn-off to another.

After talking with clients and conducting polls, Marin identified six common sex initiation styles, all of which are detailed below and in her book Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. These distinct categories, though certainly not inclusive of every possible way to initiate sex, can help you better understand how you want someone to approach sex with you and to communicate that in order to really get those sparks flying.

Why it’s worth identifying your specific sex initiation style

The basic idea behind the six different sex initiation styles, Marin says, is to make people more excited and empowered to initiate sex; if you have a good idea of how you and a partner like to initiate sex, you can then do so in a way that improves your sexual experiences and makes you more likely to look forward to sex.

This may be especially beneficial in long-term partnerships, which are subject to what sex therapist and neuroscientist Nan Wise, PhD, calls the “desire curve:” After the honeymoon period wears off—taking the libido-boosting “new relationship energy” with it—your desire for sex with your partner tends to dip, at least a little bit. Pair that with the stress of things like cohabitating and coparenting, which are more common in long-term relationships, and sex can fall even further to the back burner.

When sex becomes less of a regular experience in a relationship, understanding how to initiate it effectively becomes all the more important for actually having it. Unfortunately, Marin says, many couples aren’t very direct about what they want or how they’d like a partner to get things going, and can’t articulate exactly how their partner would like them to initiate, either. The result? Initiating sex gets confusing or tiresome, which just leads you to have even less of it. “It could be that you’re just grabbing at each other, or you’re trying to give each other a signal, but the other person is just not picking up on it,” she says.

That’s where understanding your sex initiation style comes into play. Knowing exactly how you like sex to be approached and communicating that with a partner can help bridge the initiation gap and make sex a more seamless, frequent experience in your relationship.

“When we’re initiating sex, we want our partner to say, ‘Yes,’ which is why it’s helpful to appeal to them in a way that feels welcome and exciting.”—Vanessa Marin, LMFT, sex therapist

While not everyone will subscribe to just one of Marin’s sex initiation styles, the idea is to create a starting point for a conversation about what welcome and pleasurable initiation looks like to you and to a partner. Naturally, these answers might not be the same—but that’s totally okay, she says.

The key here is to identify each person’s sex initiation style (or version of a style), so that both of you can initiate sex in a way that’s pleasurable to your partner. “When we’re initiating sex, we want our partner to say, ‘Yes,’ which is why it’s helpful to appeal to them in a way that feels welcome and exciting—and not like a bother or an annoyance,” says Marin.

6 sex initiation styles, according to a sex therapist

1. “Excite me”

The people who identify with this sex initiation style want sex to be an event they can look forward to and get excited about in advance. Marin says drawing out the anticipation of sex is part of the reward here. “Initiation for these folks is a slow burn,” she says.

Scheduling sex may really resonate for people who have this initiation style, as will “teasing looks and knowing touches” to get them going, says Marin. These folks also typically enjoy openly talking about having sex, as a way to ramp up their mental excitement for it.

2. “Take care of me”

People who fall in this bucket need to feel fully safe with and nurtured by a partner before they get busy. Especially if they’ve had a stressful day, they’ll want to be cared for by a partner in order to get in the right headspace to be intimate. To be sure, that doesn’t have to be a huge lift; even a partner offering to do a couple chores or errands could do the trick, says Marin.

“You have a hard time closing all the tabs in your brain and shifting into sexy mode, so you appreciate when your partner takes over and gives you a few minutes of time for yourself beforehand,” says Marin, of people who resonate with this initiation style.

3.”Play with me”

Sex is at its best for people with this initiation style when it’s fun and light-hearted. “The fastest way to get into your pants is to make you laugh,” says Marin, of folks who fall into this camp. “You don’t want sex to feel serious all the time, and your partner definitely does not need to seduce you.”

Inside jokes signaling that it’s time for sex—for example, sending each other a specific emoji via text or cueing up a particular song—are good ways to get things going with people who enjoy making play an element of sex.

4. “Desire me”

Someone with this sex initiation style needs to feel their partner’s clear and unwavering desire for them and know, deep down, that they’re wanted and needed. “It’s an intensity of emotion that they’re looking for,” says Marin. This might include explicitly telling them how badly you want and need them to get their engine revving.

5. “Connect with me”

This type of person needs some version of emotional connection before physical connection can get started, says Marin. “If you just touch them, or you try to pull some sort of physically sexy move, they likely won’t respond to that because they want to feel emotionally intimate with you first.” This might just look like asking about their day (and really listening to the response) or choosing to put your phone down and engage in a fully present conversation.

6. “Touch me”

By contrast to the last initiation type, this one refers to the kind of person who will respond well to physical touch (with their consent). Words aren’t the best method to initiate with someone who identifies with this style. “You like [your partner] to appeal to your body first,” Marin says, of a person in this bucket.

This is someone who will respond well to passionate touching, such as surprise kisses and back rubs. “For this person, it’s not so much about feeling desired by a partner,” says Marin. “It’s more about feeling like their partner is willing to put the time into awakening their body.”

This study, which was conducted by researchers from the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP), adds to the mountain of evidence about the impacts of positive parental/child relationships on our lives. It found that the participants who reported higher levels of communication, warmth, academic expectations, time spent together, relationship or communication satisfaction, and inductive discipline (i.e. positive reinforcement and natural consequences) with both their parents also reported having much higher levels of general health than those who rated these relationships low.

The study was conducted over a period of 14 years and involved more than 15,000 adults. They filled out questionnaires about their relationships with their primary caregivers when they were between 12 and 17 years-old. When these same people were between 24 and 32 years old, they self-reported their current levels of depression, optimism, stress, substance abuse, nicotine dependence, and other measures of general health. The study also found lower levels of unexpected pregnancy among the people who reported positive relationships with their parents.

You may be thinking back to your teenage years and shuddering in embarrassment, but you did a lot of growing during that period. The study examined this chapter of life because “there is stunning physical growth, remarkable brain maturation, and so many tremendous new opportunities for learning about the world and how to function in it” when people are between 10 and 20 years-old, says Carol A. Ford, MD, chief of the Craig-Dalsimer Division of Adolescent Medicine at CHOP and lead researcher of the study. “Young people are developing emotional maturity and making decisions and choices about behaviors that can influence lifelong trajectories of health,” she adds.

Dr. Ford and her colleagues looked at people who functioned in parental roles as well, not just mothers and fathers. (Dr. Ford says 75 percent of the participants were at home with their biological parents and 25 percent were not.) What mattered wasn’t necessarily the biological relationships, but rather the consistent love, support, role modeling, and guidance people received (or didn’t) from the people who fulfilled the roles of their primary caregivers. These “strong relationships with grandparents, adoptive parents, or other adults functioning as parents in the home are important and helpful,” Dr. Ford adds.

But what if healthy parent-adolescent bonding wasn’t your reality?

If you grew up in a home with tough family dynamics and a difficult relationship with your parents, don’t fret because Dr. Ford says that the findings do not in any way mean that people with poor parental relationships are destined for poor health outcomes down the road—just that teens who didn’t have these positive bonds require extra support.

Dr. Ford points out that community interventions and the presence of other adults like extended family members or other trusted adults in the community like schools, after-school programs, sports, and churches can also positively impact teens and their health in real time, as well as in the future.

“Sometimes there are other adults who really step up to help, and it is important to appreciate their roles,” she says. She also points out that adults who have been able to “successfully navigate challenging times during their adolescence are sometimes exceptionally understanding of adolescent hardships and choose to help other young people on their journey.”

“Even those who experience significant childhood trauma can—with appropriate support and perseverance—create new patterns that lead to better mental and physical health in the short and long-term.”—Carla Marie Manly, PhD, clinical psychologist

This extra support can also help adults, too. With work and support, it’s possible to mend wounds from difficult family dynamics. Carla Marie Manly, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Joy From Fear, focuses much of her work on healing from past traumas, including difficult childhoods, and says that she’s seen many people do so.

“Although negative childhood environments and a lack of connective parenting certainly take their toll, humans have the capacity to be incredibly resilient,” Dr. Manly says. “Even those who experience significant childhood trauma can—with appropriate support and perseverance—create new patterns that lead to better mental and physical health in the short and long-term.” She says that it’s possible to create positive patterns and behaviors in the brain that promote better overall health, physically and mentally, and recommends working with a therapist to begin.

How to get support to heal from tough family dynamics as an adult

Healing as an adult from trauma you experienced as an adolescent or teen takes work, but is possible with help and guidance. Kara Kays, LMFT, regional clinic director at Thriveworks, emphasizes that while it’s important to think about the past, what really matters is focusing on the future. “We are the creators of our own experience, so if you’re looking at childhood and adolescence what’s really important for decreasing the risk now is taking care of yourself,” she says.

What does that look like? Therapy, including inner child and inner teen work, can help. According to Dr. Manly, parenting-related childhood wounds that are “mild or moderate” can heal over time through a combination of healing processes like journaling, mindful self-reflection, and forgiveness. She also says reading self-help books can help, too. Kays suggests working on self-awareness and emotional regulation skills to decrease the risk of childhood trauma haunting you later in your life.

However, Dr. Manly says psychotherapy is a better fit for those working through deeper, more-intense trauma related to their childhoods. “In my clinical practice, I find that an attachment-based method blended with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) can work wonders for healing childhood wounds,” she says. “As an EMDR clinician, I also find this a very helpful approach when trauma has occurred.”

If you grew up with difficult family dynamics, Dr. Manly emphasizes that it’s not your fault and that you should not blame yourself because the kind of home you grew up in is beyond your control. However, you do have some degree of control of the future. “We can’t change the past, but we certainly have the power to change our inner and outer worlds to foster health, well-being, and joy,” she says.

What is an anxiety-related thought trap?

A thought trap that triggers or worsens anxiety is one kind of cognitive distortion, “an exaggerated or irrational thought that has the power to negatively distort how we see reality,” clinical neuropsychology PhD resident Nawal Mustafa previously told Well+Good. In particular, an anxiety-related thought trap, or anxiety trap, will distort your reality in a way that makes you feel more anxious about the future, even to the point of keeping you from taking action or moving forward with your life.

Indeed, according to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of Joy from Fear, these negative thinking patterns have “incredible power to affect us physically, mentally, and emotionally.” For starters, the activation of your fight-or-flight nervous system triggered by anxiety can leave you sweating, nauseated, feeling jittery, or short of breath with a racing heart. And on the mental-emotional side of things, maintaining even a baseline level of anxiety can lead to self-doubt and low self-esteem.

How anxiety traps can become especially ingrained in our thinking

Because feelings of anxiety can often get intertwined with healthy striving and wanting to be the best version of yourself, it can be easy to gloss over them—particularly in the workplace where you’re being counted on to succeed, says Morra Aarons-Mele, author of The Anxious Achiever: Turn Your Biggest Fears into Your Leadership Superpower and host of The Anxious Achiever podcast. This is especially poignant for the people with high-functioning anxiety who may feel like if they don’t feel anxious, nervous, or agitated at work, they’re somehow letting themselves off the hook or at risk of becoming a slacker.

“[Anxiety thought traps] can become so habitual that we don’t consider their harm.” —Morra Aarons-Mele, author of The Anxious Achiever

“When you’re an anxious achiever, you can sort of forget how to operate without anxiety, especially because in our very productivity-driven world, you often get rewarded for operating with anxiety if you’re getting your work done,” says Aarons-Mele. In turn, the thought traps that fuel anxiety can become a part of your regular thinking—something you just learn to push through, rather than investigate and dismantle. “These thoughts become so habitual that we don’t consider their harm,” she says.

But, as noted above, harboring anxious thoughts is detrimental to both body and mind. Not to mention, operating with constant anxiety at work can fuel fatigue and burnout; trigger crippling perfectionism and imposter syndrome; and reinforce the damaging idea that your worth is based on what you can achieve.

In turn, it’s important to both identify and disrupt anxiety thought traps whenever they creep up. Below, find five of the most common anxiety traps to watch out for, plus advice for how to escape them.

5 thought traps that fuel anxiety, and how to combat them

1. Catastrophizing

This anxiety trap is characterized by always assuming that any situation will result in the worst-case scenario, even if you have little or no evidence to think so. To make matters, well, worse, it’s also possible that believing the worst will happen becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading to self-sabotage and other behaviors that fuel a negative outcome, says Dr. Manly.

The fix: A powerful tool to stop catastrophizing in its tracks is to simply call it out and redirect your brain to a more productive path by considering the other possible outcomes. That is, if you find yourself thinking the worst, instead push yourself to envision what would be the best or even a neutral outcome of the situation. You don’t necessarily have to believe that these positive or neutral things will happen; simply considering them can help pull you out of the anxiety spiral, says Dr. Manly.

Factual information can be a powerful tool, too. It’s harder to believe in a theoretical worst-case outcome if you’re looking at facts that prove something different may be true. For example, if you’re catastrophizing about your financial situation, Aarons-Mele says getting some concrete numbers together and seeking advice from a financial expert can help put your worries into more realistic perspective.

2. All-or-nothing thinking

When you’re caught in this anxiety trap, there isn’t any nuance. Everything is the worst or the best; you’re either blessed or doomed. But in reality, life isn’t so cut and dried—and falling into the all-or-nothing trap can prevent you from seeing all of the interesting variations and subtleties of things, says Aarons-Mele. Plus, believing that things are either great or terrible can lead you to think that if you don’t do something perfectly, it’s not worth trying at all. Cue: damaging perfectionistic behaviors.

The fix: This thought trap springs, in part, from a tendency toward judgement—both of yourself and of others. So, Dr. Manly advises trying to consider at least one or two alternative perspectives from your own whenever the all-or-nothing tendency rears its head. Keeping an open mind to other perspectives can help you realize that there’s a lot of distance and opportunity between the worst and best outcomes, which can be a useful tool for neutralizing such extreme thinking.

3. Labeling

This anxiety trap is marked by calling yourself extreme negative names like lazy, undeserving, or incompetent—especially in scenarios where self-criticism is entirely unwarranted. (Consider receiving a constructive comment on a work project, and instantly assuming that this makes you a terrible employee.)

In addition to fueling anxiety, such negative self-talk can spark a spiral of negativity, potentially triggering depressive thoughts and lowering your self-esteem. “When we listen to the inner critic—the voice that wants to tell us we are unworthy or unlovable—we punish ourselves in the unkindest of ways,” says Dr. Manly.

The fix: When you catch yourself calling yourself an unkind name, pause for a few deep breaths to acknowledge the label, and then redirect to a more positive one. This is a technique called thought-stopping that can help you remember that you’re not your worst moments and that it’s important to give yourself grace. In other moments, it’s also helpful to actively practice positive self-talk as a means to bolster your self-esteem against more critical scenarios.

4. Ruminating and overthinking

Aarons-Mele calls this anxiety trap “an anxious person’s best friend” for how commonly it surfaces. Also known as “stewing,” ruminating or overthinking is all about revisiting the same situations over and over again in your mind and marinating on them. Because carefully thinking things through before acting is often something that high-achievers do, it can be difficult for these folks, in particular, to identify when this helpful thinking takes a turn into rumination territory, says Aarons-Mele.

Often, overthinking also involves thinking about something negative that happened in the past and that you can’t change, which just makes the process even more futile and steers you away from resolution. “When we use our energy to engage in unhelpful repetitive thoughts, we are robbing ourselves of the ability to put our thoughts toward positive directions,” says Dr. Manly.

The fix: To stop yourself from overthinking, start by grounding yourself using your five senses (try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique to home in on things you can see, hear, touch, taste, and smell) or embrace a distraction that’ll pull you out of the thinking spiral, like listening to a favorite song or zoning out to a comforting TV show, says Dr. Manly.

From there, practice psychological distancing by considering the situation you were (over)thinking about from a third-party perspective, like that of a friend, or by scheduling time to consider it tomorrow or on another day. You can also try purposefully shifting your thoughts to something else “in a direction that feels right to you,” says Dr. Manly.

5. Discounting the positive

You’ve fallen into this thought trap when you find ways to make the positive experiences in your life not really “count,” either by rejecting them outright or convincing yourself that any success or achievement happened purely by chance.

The fix: The best way to fight this negative thinking loop is to actively savor any positive moment—however small it may be—whenever it arrives, says Dr. Manly. Instead of writing off your own role in this good thing happening, also take the time to consider how your actions and skills made this positive event or feeling possible, she adds.

It’s also helpful to keep a physical file of positive moments or wins, including compliments or praise from others and personal moments of strength that you record. Being able to reference your capabilities at any point can help you build confidence and reduce the tendency to write off successes.

How the traits of your zodiac sign can inform your biggest fear

The key characteristics underscoring your sun sign—aka the zodiac sign for which you’d read a horoscope—including its element (Earth, fire, water, or air) and modality (cardinal, mutable, or fixed) play a role in shaping your outlook on life. And it’s that unique outlook that can help determine what really scares you more than anything else, aka your biggest fear.

For example, Taurus is a fixed Earth sign, which means that Taureans love the grounded security that comes with planning and predictability; it makes sense, then, that the exact opposite of all that, spontaneity, could be something they fear deeply. By a similar token, Aries is a cardinal fire sign, which means that Aries is an intense self-starter that leads with gusto; in turn, being trapped in any scenario that inhibits their forward momentum may be one of their biggest fears.

“‘[The twelfth house] includes the unconscious realms that deal with dreams, nightmares, and anxieties.”—Maria Sofia Marmanides, astrologer

To understand just how the biggest fear of your zodiac sign may manifest, it’s also helpful to note the sign that rules its 12th astrological house (which is also the one that comes right before it in the zodiac calendar). This house is all about what’s hidden underneath the self we present to the world, says astrologer Maria Sofia Marmanides. “It includes the unconscious realms that deal with dreams, nightmares, and anxieties.” In turn, the sign that rules over it can inform your deepest fears and concerns.

To return to the Taurus example, Taureans fear spontaneity in part because they value planning so deeply and in part because brash, impulsive Aries is the ruler of their 12th house—and in turn, Aries traits inform their fears. Similarly, Aries’s fear of being slowed down comes not only from Aries’s fiery nature, but also the presence of Pisces in their 12th house. An empathic water sign, Pisces is all about dreaming, letting go, and submitting to the collective unconsciousness (rather than taking control)—and it’s precisely these things that Aries most fears.

An important caveat: There’s plenty more that goes into the formation of our fears beyond astrology alone. In addition to personality, your genetics, upbringing, life history, and current life experiences can shape your fears, says clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of Joy from Fear.

Though learning what is typically the biggest fear for your zodiac sign can help you better identify this fear in action (or notice when you might be succumbing to it), you’re also not necessarily doomed to feel this fear, either right now or in the future. “Given our capacity for free will, we are able to shift aspects of ourselves that we might fear,” says Dr. Manly. That said, if you’re finding that a fear of yours is disrupting your daily life, it’s worth seeking the care of a mental-health professional, who can help dismantle it or make it more tolerable.

With this in mind, read on for insights into what your biggest fear may be, as determined by the traits of your zodiac sign, as well as star-sanctioned advice for facing and overcoming it.

Your biggest fear, based on your zodiac sign

Aries: fear of being stuck

The perception of not being able to gain forward momentum is your biggest fear, Aries, especially as it relates to accomplishing goals, says astrologer Celeste Brooks. Bold and dynamic, yours is a sign with serious self-starter energy, so it only makes sense that not being able to work toward something or be a trailblazer would be scary to you.

As noted above, this fear is also rooted in the fact that water-sign Pisces falls in your 12th house. “Pisces is fluid and dreamy, and not really prone to taking charge,” says Marmanides. “Pisces energy invites us to surrender control, which is likely very uncomfortable and scary for an Aries.”

To work past this, it’s important to remember that you don’t need to do everything yourself, says Brooks. If you’re struggling with making progress on a personal project, you can—and should—ask for support.

Taurus: fear of unpredictability and spontaneity

Material security is very important to you, Taurus, as the ruler of the second house of resources. Any threat against that may be terrifying to you, says Brooks. “No matter how many resources you have, you could still harbor this feeling of concern about having enough,” she says.

Your deep-seated appreciation of security could also stoke in you a fear of spontaneity, says Marmanides. And as noted above, you can thank impulsive Aries in your 12th house for this. “Aries energy is like jumping off the cliff and dealing with the consequences later, whereas Taurus would never do that because they always like to think things through,” she says.

Even so, it’s helpful to get comfortable with leaving some things up to chance; after all, you can’t control everything in life. That’s why Brooks suggests figuring out ways to take more (low-level) risks as a means to put your fear of spontaneity aside.

Gemini: fear of boredom

Above anything else, you’re bound to fear boredom, curious Gemini. In large part, that’s because you’re a mutable (aka change-loving) air sign that takes a cerebral approach to the world. Chances are, you feel this “constant need to be intellectually stimulated or to find any number of distractions to stave off boredom,” says Brooks.

Also fueling that fear is the presence of grounded Taurus in your 12th house. Taurus is all about a steady, well-plotted climb with no surprises—which is not how you prefer to operate at all. “You have a ton of ideas and are a social chatterbox, which makes the idea of stagnation something you can’t easily tolerate,” says Marmanides.

To get more comfortable without constant entertainment or stimulation, try spending more time sitting still and keeping your own company with a meditation practice, suggests Brooks.

Cancer: fear of not being needed

Nurturing loved ones and making them feel safe is one of the key ways you derive meaning in life, Cancer. So, not being needed and loved in return is likely a major fear of yours. “Cancer is a very sentimental, nostalgic sign full of emotions and feelings,” says Marmanides. In turn, you really value strong bonds among your loved ones and may be deeply afraid of anything less.

Gemini, which resides in your 12th house of the unconscious, is basically the polar opposite of all that. While Gemini is social, it’s also a fun and frivolous sign and doesn’t hold onto anything too tightly. These loose bonds are precisely what you’re bound to fear. “If something doesn’t feel like it lasts or like it’s meaningful, that’ll be tough for you to handle,” says Marmanides.

To lessen this fear of not being deeply connected to or needed by your loved ones, practice an exercise of self-love or self-compassion (like positive mirror talk), and let your family know how they might reassure you of their love.

Leo: fear of not being noticed and admired

Your greatest fear is being perceived as ordinary and not worthy of admiration, Leo. One of your strongest traits is confidence, and your fire-sign energy is what gives you the drive to go after what you want—but you also may feel like it doesn’t really matter if nobody notices. (After all, you’re the zodiac’s performer, and you require an adoring audience to feel good.)

Part of that fear is informed by the presence of caring Cancer in your 12th house. “Deep inside and underneath the layers of outward performance, there’s this inner Cancerian need to be loved,” says Marmanides. In other words, you can’t be the true-Leo center of attention unless there are people on the sidelines willing to give that attention to you.

To manage the fear that your presence will go unappreciated, Brooks suggests taking up a new hobby that involves a key strength of yours. The process of embracing something new—and being good at it—will help you create some self-recognition.

Virgo: fear of making mistakes

Given your meticulous and detail-oriented nature, it may come as no surprise to you that your biggest fear is that of making mistakes, Virgo.

Part of the reason for that fear comes from performer Leo in your 12th house. Because Leo is all about being seen, you especially fear having your mistakes be perceived by others, says Marmanides. More broadly, “any scenario in which you’re being put into the spotlight” may be a scary one for you, she says. (But that’s especially the case if the spotlight reveals to others a rare mistake or lapse in judgment on your end.)

To lessen your fear of imperfection, Brooks actually suggests trying to embrace small mistakes as evidence of your humanness and reminding yourself of how inconsequential many of these mistakes really are.

Libra: fear of being alone

As a deeply social being, your biggest fear is likely that of being totally alone, Libra. Yours is a relationship-focused sign, and you derive serious value from both existing among other people and creating balance within those relationships. In turn, the concept of not being able to connect with others or find social harmony is likely a very scary one.

The presence of meticulous Virgo in your 12th house only fuels that fear of imbalance with or disconnection from others. “How things appear is very important to Libra, so when things get out of whack, it’s going to be triggering and destabilizing for you,” says Marmanides. Indeed, the desire for perfect balance in relationships—and the fear of anything less—is where Virgo in your 12th house shows up.

To lessen the hold of that fear, it’s important to get comfortable with being alone, says Brooks. Rather than an indication of relationship problems, try reframing aloneness as a purposeful choice you’re making for yourself, perhaps by planning solo outings (aka self-dates).

Scorpio: fear of vulnerability

Complete vulnerability is your biggest fear, Scorpio. Of all the zodiac signs, you are perhaps the most emotionally deep, which is also why you tend to be the most secretive, says Brooks. The idea of not having any method of concealment—having to put all those emotions and thoughts out into the open—likely terrifies you. (After all, this kind of vulnerability requires ceding some control to others, and that’s something you’re not typically willingly to do.)

Part of the reason why stems from the presence of social Libra in your 12th house. It’s the very need among Libras to be in the company of others that fuels your fear of being fully perceived, says Marmanides. “Libra’s modus operandi is, ‘How can I find my other half, or balance my scale?’ which is precisely what you are so afraid of doing, for the fear of losing yourself in another person.”

To get more comfortable laying your cards on the table, practice being emotionally open with the people whom you know you can trust, says Brooks. Actually vocalizing how you feel can help chip away at your internal wall and allow you to realize that enacting total control over your life is an illusion, anyway.

Sagittarius: fear of restricted freedom

As the zodiac’s resident explorer, you really relish the freedom to see the world and do as you please, Sagittarius. Which is why, a lack of freedom and flexibility to act as you wish is likely your biggest fear, according to Brooks.

Intense Scorpio in your 12th house can stoke that fear, often making you feel as if something internal is holding you back from the adventures you’re looking to take. “Sagittarius is the philosopher of the zodiac, meaning you can get a little bit trapped in your thoughts, and especially with Scorpio in the 12th,” says Marmanides. The resulting insecurities and self-doubt could keep you from exercising your freedom, thus bringing to fruition your deepest fear.

To work through this, Brooks recommends frequently making new commitments—and sticking to them—just to prove to yourself that you do have the ability to act on your own devices and pivot accordingly.

Capricorn: fear of failure

As the zodiac’s signature high-achiever, your biggest fear is failure, Capricorn. “You have real concern about status, reputation, and achievement,” says Brooks.

In that way, you’re just the opposite of Sagittarius, which resides in your 12th house. While Sagittarius is sometimes affectionately called the “vacation sign,” you really struggle to let loose and deeply fear falling short at work. In turn, everything that Sagittarius stands for—adventure for adventure’s sake—is really what you fear most, says Marmanides. “You are afraid of things being frivolous and aimless, and you want what you do to matter.”

Mitigating this deep-seated fear of failure isn’t about trying to care less, but instead, re-contextualizing any mess-ups that you do make as stumbles, rather than major failures, says Brooks. In the same realm, it’s important to recognize when you’re engaging in toxic productivity, and take steps to disentangle some of your self-worth from your achievements.

Aquarius: fear of being seen as unoriginal

Your value is deeply tied to your intellect and creativity as the zodiac’s renegade. For this reason, your greatest fear is not being seen as original, Aquarius.

That fear also springs from the presence of Capricorn in your 12th house. Whereas Capricorn respects and admires the status quo, Aquarius loathes it. It’s Capricorn’s strict adherence to existing norms that impedes your ability to think outside of the box, fueling your fear of being ordinary, says Marmanides.

To address that fear, it’s important to focus on how, exactly, you’re working to bust the status quo—rather than just being original for originality’s sake, says Brooks. These kinds of “rebel without a cause” actions won’t actually help you feel like you’re making any real difference, which can just allow your fear of being ordinary to creep in.

Pisces: fear of not being loved

You are the sensitive empath of the zodiac, Pisces. In turn, you want nothing more than to love and be loved by someone else—and your biggest fear is not finding that love.

This fear is only deepened by the emotionally closed-off sign of Aquarius in your 12th house, says Marmanides. The independent, go-it-alone vibe of Aquarius in this part of your chart may feel deeply troubling to you. “Aquarius cares about facts and not feelings and often approaches the world with indifference, all of which reflects your deepest fears of being unloved or uncared for,” says Marmanides.

To counteract these fears, it’s important to build your self-esteem and sense of personal value, says Brooks. This way, you can become less deeply reliant on the affection of others. “Consider how you can meet your own needs for care,” says Brooks, “because in order for others to love you, it’s important to love yourself, too.”

Dr. Ho is the author of Stop Self-Sabotage: Six Steps to Unlock Your True Motivation, Harness Your Willpower, and Get Out of Your Own Way, and her quiz is a series of 20 questions designed to pinpoint one of four specific factors, or elements, that fuel self-sabotaging behaviors. She says that she created the quiz to serve as a jumping off point for the ideas explored in her book because in her years of clinical practice, she’s found that self-sabotage is a widespread issue that often goes unresolved—even if people are able to spot the signs of self-sabotage, which can impede personal growth.

“When we look at how people talk about self-sabotage, oftentimes they’ll just say, ‘Yeah, I sabotaged that,’ and they’ll just kind of move on and there’s no solution,” says Dr. Ho. The point of the quiz is to identify which of the four self-sabotage drivers someone may have in order to guide them toward solutions to help stop the behavior in its tracks.

The 4 ‘L.I.F.E.’ factors that may be getting in your way and contributing to self-sabotage

1. Low or shaky self-esteem

Oftentimes when we have a lower belief in ourselves to achieve positive outcomes in a specific area of our life it will lead to certain self-fulfilling prophecies,” Dr. Ho explains. “You may not even commit to goals at all, and when you do, you have less belief that you’re able to accomplish what you set out to do,” she says.

This feeling of low self-esteem isn’t necessarily evenly distributed across all realms of someone’s life, though. For example, Dr. Ho says someone who is very successful and confident at work may suffer from low or shaky self-esteem when it comes to their romantic life.

2. Internalized beliefs

According to Dr. Ho, the people who have this driver have adopted and internalized the same fears, beliefs, and insecurities as the adults they grew up around. This may happen through watching adults model behavior or being told by others what to fear. “If one of your parents was seemingly anxious about different types of risk-taking and always worried about what could happen, you may find that as an adult you adopt that very cautious mentality and pull back from dreaming bigger or putting yourself out there,” she says.

This can manifest as intense self-criticism and judgement, and may prevent someone from trying new things. Another component of this L.I.F.E. factor to watch for is negative self talk, which Dr. Ho says can fuel self-sabotage. For example, you may tell yourself that you don’t have the skills and drive to accomplish a goal because judgmental adults made you think you couldn’t. If you hear this enough times from yourself and others, you may come to believe it.

3. Fear of change or the unknown

While change can be difficult for anyone, the people who have this as their self-sabotage trigger are especially unmoored by it. They may find comfort and calm in sticking to a routine, and any unexpected pivots have the potential to toss them off track. To prevent this, they may avoid making any changes by sticking to the same habits, places, and patterns—even if the familiar isn’t going that well. According to Dr. Ho, this behavior is self-limiting because it can prevent someone from engaging in something potentially positive and rewarding because they’re scared.

4. Excessive need for control

Dr. Ho says this self-sabotaging cause often plagues people who identify as Type A personalities or perfectionists. The traits that make someone a go-getter, like being ambitious, organized, and motivated, can be great for accomplishing a lot in life, for example if you want to advance at work. However, these same traits can act as a double-edged sword, Dr. Ho says, because they can hold someone back from trying if they aren’t certain they’ll be successful and can’t guarantee their desired outcome.

This excessive need for control can be self-sabotaging and limiting. “When there is a situation where you can’t control everything or see all of the steps in advance, it may actually cause you to self-sabotage because you’re not able to let go, delegate, or understand that certain things are worthwhile even if you can’t control everything,” she explains. One way this could manifest is not advancing or taking risks in romantic relationships because you can’t control the outcome and risk rejection.

Why and how to stop self-sabotaging behaviors

Unchecked, Dr. Ho says self-sabotaging behavior can make it difficult to accomplish your goals and move through the world with confidence—it can even contribute to a number of mental and physical health conditions, and can make it tougher to build and maintain social connections.

And because it’s happening in the background, or subconsciously, self-sabotage can be tough to recognize. But Dr. Ho emphasizes that it’s important to identify and surface these triggers so they don’t become repetitive. And while thinking about all the ways you harm yourself sounds stressful and upsetting, self-reflection is key to stop doing it.

“It’s like the monster under the bed when you’re five years old: It’s scary when you don’t look, but then it’s like, there is no monster,” she says. “When we actually do the deeper work and follow up on self-assessment and go toward change, it’s never as bad as you think it is.”

“It’s like the monster under the bed when you’re five years old: It’s scary when you don’t look, but then it’s like, there is no monster.”—Judy Ho, PhD, neuropsychologist and author

You can use the results of the quiz as a beginning of your exploration. Dr. Ho says it’s important to “de-stigmatize” the idea of self-sabotage so it no longer lingers in the background. One way to do that is to chat with a trusted friend or loved one about it. Also, she advises being on the lookout during times of particular stress or major change, because that’s when these thought patterns creep up most. Another way is to use guided tools, like the ones available on Dr. Ho’s website, to work through these issues on your own.

And remember that building new habits takes time. Dr. Ho advises trying this out for at least one month before giving up.

“Bathrooms are typically high-moisture areas that can promote the growth of bacteria, mildew, and mold,” says Angela Brown, cleaning expert and host of the Ask a House Cleaner show. Though you might not think of the floors as being subjected to much water, condensation from a hot shower or splashes from the sink can also make them wet breeding grounds for the above microbes, “which can cause unpleasant odors and even pose a health hazard if left unattended for too long,” says Brown.

What can make a bathroom floor dirty—and in need of regular cleaning?

Though a bathroom floor can accumulate dust and dirt like any other floor (and especially if you walk on it while wearing shoes that you also wear outside), it can also get grimy or mildew-laden with repeated exposure to moisture, as noted above. Additionally, all of the human activities that go on in the bathroom—from face-washing to teeth-brushing to, naturally, peeing and pooping—can coat the floor in a layer of microbes associated with the human body.

Indeed, it’s likely that “some of the microbes found on your bathroom floor come from your gut or urogenital tract,” says Erica Hartmann, PhD, microbiologist and associate professor of environmental engineering at Northwestern University. As for how? Consider the errant drop of pee that misses the bowl, for example, or the slight spray of toilet water every time you flush.

“Some of the microbes found on your bathroom floor likely come from your gut or urogenital tract.” —Erica Hartmann, PhD, microbiologist

As a consolation for those who are already grossed out, know that the aerosols flying out of your toilet are likely not the primary source of germs on your bathroom floor, says Dr. Hartmann. In fact, a small 2022 study conducted across 10 households found that 40 percent of the microbes sitting on bathroom floors were associated with skin, compared to just 30 percent with “fecal, vaginal, or urinary” origin.

Before you run to clean your bathroom floor right now, also know that all those microbes, while gross to think about, don’t necessarily pose a risk to your health. For starters, it’s important to remember that every surface in our homes is teeming with microbes at all times; and while the bathroom floor might contain a particularly large and diverse quantity of them (thanks to all those body-based activities), exposure to microbes doesn’t always lead to sickness, says Dr. Hartmann.

Also, it’s possible that you’re not even directly exposed to the microbes on your bathroom floor, given, well, you’re not exactly licking it. Though some particles may be “resuspended” when you walk on the bathroom floor—meaning, they’re kicked back up into the air—they also still may not make it into your breathing space, adds Dr. Hartmann. (Phew.)

All of that said, there’s certainly a major ick factor to contend with: A big accumulation of human-associated microbes on the bathroom floor can make it appear dirtier and grimier more quickly. And that’s certainly a reason to clean it regularly.

Exactly how often do you need to clean your bathroom floor?

How often your bathroom floor needs to be cleaned largely depends on who uses your bathroom, and how they use it. According to Cindy Inman, a housekeeping expert with more than 35 years of experience and founder of cleaning business and consultancy Ask Cindy Shop, someone who lives alone, doesn’t wear shoes in their house (that they also wear outdoors), and generally keeps their bathroom tidy can vacuum and wipe down their bathroom floor with soap and water every two weeks.

By contrast, if you share a bathroom with other people or own a pet that you walk outside, or perhaps, you’re often running into the bathroom with your outdoor shoes on, you should clean your bathroom floor more often—about once a week, says Inman. Doing these frequent cleans will also help minimize the need for longer deep-cleans by preventing excess accumulation of dirt and grime, “which can become more difficult to clean over time,” says Brown.

Separately, it’s also important to clean the bathroom floor—and the rest of the bathroom—with a disinfectant like bleach whenever someone in your household gets sick with food poisoning or a stomach virus (that leads them to vomit), or any other contagious virus, like COVID-19 or norovirus, says Dr. Hartmann, as all of these are microbes that can easily lead to sickness with exposure.

What should you use to clean your bathroom floor?

Dr. Hartmann suggests sweeping or vacuuming to remove dirt and dust particles, and then just using soap and water, or a detergent-based cleaning product, for normal maintenance. These products are effective at neutralizing most microbes—which is also why it’s such a beneficial practice to regularly wash your hands.

For heavy-duty cleans, such as after someone is sick or if it’s been a long time since you’ve cleaned, Dr. Hartmann says to use products that’ll disinfect and sanitize, which include bleach- and alcohol-based solutions. Inman especially likes Clorox’s Anywhere Hard Surface Spray and Multi-Surface Cleaner, which is bleach-based.

If you have young children or pets that crawl or hang out on your bathroom floor, however, it’s important to take certain precautions around using these harsher chemicals, given the likelihood that these little ones could ingest or inhale them, adds Dr. Hartmann. In particular, if you need to use a bleach- or alcohol-based solution for a deeper clean, Inman recommends keeping kids and pets out of the bathroom until the area has totally dried and you’ve gone back over it with water.

It’s also worth considering the type of bathroom floor you have when choosing a cleaning product. If you have a tile or stone floor, the regular soap or all-purpose cleaner and water will work well, according to Brown. But for vinyl and linoleum floors, she advises seeking out pH-neutral cleaning products formulated specifically for those surfaces. For marble, Inman suggests a mixture of a few drops of Ivory soap and water, “which will keep everything clean without compromising the floor’s luster.”

How to clean your bathroom floor

1. Circulate air: Open the window(s) in your bathroom, if you have, to allow for ventilation (both to help the floor dry quickly and to filter out the chemical components of any harsher cleaning product you may be using). If you don’t have a window, turning on a fan can help, too, says Inman.
2. Get particles and dust off the floor: According to Inman, you want to start with either a vacuum or a broom and dustpan to get any particles off the floor and prepare it to be effectively washed. “I like vacuuming because when you sweep, loose particles tend to disperse in the air and then you have to recapture them,” she says. She likes a slim-profile vaccuum that can swivel and move easily, like the models from Miele.
3. Use water and soap to address dirt: After getting anything loose off the floor, Inman says to go in with a clean microfiber cloth and a mixture of soap and warm water (or any of the specific cleaning products noted above) for a maintenance clean. You can also use a mop with a telescopic handle to get in all the nooks and crannies without getting down on the floor. (For deeper cleans with an alcohol- or bleach-based solution, follow the directions on the package.)
4. Let it all dry: Inman recommends staying out of the bathroom (and keeping others out, too) until the floor is dry, especially if you’ve used a chemical solution that needs more time to dry and dissipate.

While both new and long-term relationships can fizzle out, fizzling is more common in the newer ones, according to relationship expert Jess Carbino, PhD, former sociologist at Tinder and Bumble. “In those new relationships, there’s less at stake and fewer obligations and ties to the other individual, which makes fizzling more accessible,” she says. “If, for example, you’ve dated someone for just a couple of months or gone on five or six dates, those ties [aren’t very strong], so you’re able to move back or fizzle the relationship more seamlessly than someone who is more intimately connected to their partner.”

“In new relationships, there’s less at stake and fewer obligations and ties to the other individual, which makes fizzling more accessible.” —Jess Carbino, PhD, relationship expert

In that sense, a casual relationship that’s fizzling out could feel like something on the verge of getting ghosted. Your partner isn’t outright cutting off communication á la ghosting, but they are retreating, perhaps by calling or texting less often or not initiating dates or actively making plans to spend time together. Whereas, in a long-term relationship, fizzling might look more like the creation of distance, says Dr. Carbino, whether physical (perhaps, a live-in partner starts spending more time outside the house) or emotional (for instance, a partner choosing to engage less in conversation).

Why might a relationship start fizzling out in the first place?

Fizzling often happens when one or both people in the relationship don’t fully know what they want—that is, whether to stay in the relationship or go, says dating coach Adelle Kelleher, founder of Coaching Hearts Consulting. So, the unsure person opts for a murky middle ground by halfway checking out of things or choosing to invest only partially, holding onto the chance that someone or something “better” might appear around the corner.

In other cases, a person may be genuinely unhappy in their relationship and yet doesn’t want to have the conversation to actually end it, whether because they feel uncomfortable doing so, struggle with emotional vulnerability, or just think being in any relationship is better than being alone. “They might think, ‘Yes, I’m stuck in this kind of lackluster relationship, but at least when I’m bored, I have someone to do things with,'” says Kelleher. “This is not a healthy approach, but could be a reason someone might just string a relationship along without being fully in it.”

Fizzling can also happen in a long-term relationship when someone in the couple is no longer having their needs met, says psychologist Laura Louis, PhD, founder of Atlanta Couple Therapy. It could be their physical needs or emotional needs that are getting neglected, for example, but in either case, they may choose to just distance themselves from the relationship, rather than bring up the problem outright, says Dr. Louis.

This kind of complacency is almost like quiet quitting the relationship because it typically results in contributing just the bare minimum to keep the relationship going. While quiet quitting can certainly be a strategy for setting boundaries at work, the nature of a romantic relationship is such that it’s only as good as the energy put into it. So, even just one partner pulling back can decrease what both people are getting out of the partnership, eventually leading the other person to distance themselves, too. The end result? No one in the relationship is investing the kind of energy necessary to really keep the fire going.

3 signs your relationship may be fizzling out

1. You feel as if you and a partner are just going through the motions of coexisting

If most of the excitement, energy, or enthusiasm has drained from your relationship, there’s a good chance things are fizzling, according to Kelleher. That might look like either person reducing the amount of effort they’re putting into the relationship or otherwise not really trying to be an active participant in it anymore.

Naturally, this might mean that big, deep conversations are no longer happening; but also, it could just mean that you’ve stopped asking each other about how your days are going—and really listening to the answers, says Kelleher.

While most relationships will transition, at some point, from the honeymoon phase into something a little less lovey-dovey, that’s not the same thing as the kind of disengagement that happens with fizzling. “It might not be hot fire and sparks all the time, but [with a solid relationship], a partner is still showing effort and that they care about you, and that they want to know what’s going on with you,” says Kelleher. Whereas, with fizzling, all of those things start to feel less salient.

2. You and/or your partner are choosing to spend less and less time with each other

Any major changes in behavior that build distance can be a signal that something has changed, says Dr. Louis. Consider, for example, a partner’s decision to spend significantly more time without you, filling their calendar with work events, friend hangouts, or other activities.

To be sure, this isn’t to say your partner shouldn’t have hobbies or close relationships outside of yours (they definitely should), but if it feels like the time their devoting to things outside of your relationship is leaving scarce time for you, that’s a red flag for fizzling.

3. Your level of communication has significantly decreased

If you’re having trouble getting into consistent contact with your partner, or you’re finding that more of your phone calls or text messages are going unanswered, that’s a clear sign that things may be fizzling, says Dr. Louis.

While some communication stumbles are a part of every relationship, the key to deciphering them from the kind of communication gap that could signal fizzling is that a committed partner will want to solve or minimize these lapses, says Kelleher. Whereas, someone who is fizzling things may not seem to notice or care about their reduced communication.

What to do if you suspect your relationship is fizzling out

The first thing to do if you feel your relationship grinding to a slow halt is figure out how you feel about the prospect of it potentially ending.

If your partner is the primary fizzler, you may certainly feel insulted by their disengagement, but that’s not the same thing as wanting to actively continue the relationship. Even if they started the distancing, it’s possible that you’re participating, too, or that you’ve since realized that you’d also rather end the relationship. On the contrary, you might find, upon introspection, that you really want to continue in the partnership—but the fizzling is putting a damper on things.

Once you’re clear on how you feel about the situation and your hopes for the future, all the experts say it’s best to initiate a conversation with your partner, rather than speculating. “You don’t want your mental energy and space to be occupied with wondering if things are fizzling out or why you feel this way,” says Dr. Carbino.

Though it may be tempting to call out a partner for what may seem to be fizzling behaviors, it’s better to approach the conversation by sharing how you feel, instead, using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel uncared for when you don’t respond to my messages for several hours”), and allow them to respond, says Kelleher. Letting the other person to speak to the motivations behind their actions will give you important information on whether your ultimate goals for the relationship are aligned or…not so much.

From there, you can work together to determine an action plan for moving out of the grey area created by fizzling. To do so, Kelleher suggests asking your partner, “Do you see a future for us?” to gauge where they see the relationship headed. Or, if you would like to continue the relationship and see if they feel similarly, Dr. Carbino suggests trying something along the lines of, “I really enjoy spending time with you, but I’ve been sensing some distance between us. How are you feeling?”

Maybe they communicate that they do want to end things, or that there is something else going on in their life, like illness in their family or a busy period at work, that is dominating their attention and focus, but they’d like to continue the relationship. In any case, it’s only with an open conversation where you both share your feelings that you can come to a mutual decision to either break up or forge ahead (in this case, with clear expectations in place to make sure no one feels like things are fizzling).

This way, both people will feel like they have some level of say in and control over what happens. “Even if the outcome is breaking up, you’re still on the same [page] and deciding together,” says Kelleher.

When is Taurus season?

Taurus season begins when the sun moves into Taurus on April 20 and lasts until May 20, after which point the sun shifts into Gemini. Given Taurus is a headstrong fixed sign, this period of time brings fierce planning and determination coupled with an appreciation for the beauty and experiences life has to offer. It’s a season marked by “this sense of everyone orienting to the practical and the sensual,” says astrologer Stephanie Gailing, author of The Complete Guide to Living By the Moon.

Overall mood and energy of Taurus season 2023

Ruled by Venus, the planet associated with love and beauty, Taurus is all about a slow, steady climb to accomplish its goals. Whereas Aries is more likely to act on passions with rapid-fire speed, Taurus will go after what it wants with gusto, but will also pause to consider the best way to achieve success over a long period of time. “Taurus can keep going through any storm because it’s got its eye on a goal,” says astrologer Alexandria Lettman. And we can expect to feel that determined energy this Taurus season, especially as the slow roll of Mercury retrograde may challenge us to persevere through communication snafus.

At the same time, however, Taurus is also an Earth sign, which, on the one hand, gives it a practical and grounded vibe, and on the other, pairs with the influence of ruling-planet Venus to give it a sensual side. “Tauruses are very much oriented through their senses, and that’s how they experience and move through the world,” says Gailing, “whether it’s through taste, smell, touch, sight, or sound.” In turn, you’d be wise to lean into your senses this season, and embrace the natural beauty of spring.

The fact that Taurus can both work hard and play hard—often following up a tough day of work with a fancy happy hour or dinner reservation—also means that this season is a time to find balance between practicality and indulgence. When it comes down to it, Taurus loves luxury, beauty, and romance, and all of the above could figure big over the next month.

Key transits affecting every zodiac sign during Taurus season 2023

Planetary movements

A couple key planetary transits could give this Taurus season a difficult edge for every zodiac sign—namely, Mercury retrograde in Taurus, which lasts from April 21 to May 14 (aka nearly the entire season).

Because Mercury is the planet of communication, its retrogrades make misunderstandings and miscommunications more likely; this is why it’s paramount to move with caution and avoid making hasty or new decisions during the next few weeks. Paired with Taurus’s careful and considerate nature, this transit could make the season feel even slower than usual, says Lettman. “Mercury retrogrades already slow down our thought processes, but in Taurus season, it’s like we’re being extra, painstakingly cautious.” It’s a time to review, reassess, reimagine, and generally go back over past decisions to see what may need to be revised.

“Mercury retrogrades already slow down our thought processes, but in Taurus season, it’s like we’re being extra, painstakingly cautious.” —Alexandria Lettman, astrologer

That reflective energy is further deepened by another key transit: Though Pluto shifted into Aquarius in March, it retrogrades from May 1 to October 10, shifting back into taskmaster Capricorn. Pluto has a lot to do with rebirth and renewal, so especially when it retrogrades, the transformative planet offers us a chance to consider what is working in our lives and what isn’t—and how we might let go of the less-supportive things in order to make room for something new, according to Lettman.

On a more positive note, Taurus’s ruler Venus also moves into nurturing and caring Cancer on May 7 and will remain there through the rest of Taurus season. “This energy is all about nurturing others and wanting to be cared for and protected in return, so naturally, we’re all likely to feel more sensitive and sentimental,” says Lettman.

As the season nears its end, abundant Jupiter enters Taurus on May 16, kicking off a portion of the year during which Taureans, especially, can expect to come upon some luck. More broadly, Jupiter in Taurus is all about manifesting material and financial gains. So, you’d be wise to start thinking now about any new monetary goals you might want to achieve, so that you can go after them with intention…that is, once Mercury ends its retrograde on May 14 and Jupiter has made its moves on May 16.

In fact, this end-of-May timing is especially aligned for action as Mars, planet of motivation and energy, enters fiery Leo on May 19. Leo’s bold, passionate energy could encourage you to take a lion-like leap toward your goals, says Lettman. “This is like a rush of courage right at the end of Taurus season,” says Lettman. “It’s like the mind had to recenter itself before we could physically be ready to take a leap and just go for things.” However, Mars in Leo is a pretty powerful combo, so it could also trigger some people, especially if they feel like their achievements aren’t being properly recognized or appreciated.

Lunar transits

The moon’s movements add another dimension to the unpredictable Mercury-retrograde vibes. In particular, a set of solar and lunar eclipses will affect every zodiac sign during Taurus season in 2023; the first occurs in Aries on April 19 (just before the sun shifts into Taurus), and the second, in intense Scorpio, on May 5. Eclipses are times of upheaval, and Gailing says the period in between these two eclipses could feel stressful and emotional. “There’s this sense that the ground underneath our feet is shifting, but we don’t yet know where we’re going,” she says.

“Keep a little bit of the mystery and magic, and don’t push forward too fast right now because eclipses tend to reveal things over time.” —Stephanie Gailing, astrologer

The important thing to remember is that some uncertainty right now is okay; we’re not supposed to have all the details figured out, says Gailing. She advises resisting any desire to fixate on outcomes and staying open to what may present itself, instead. “Keep a little bit of the mystery and magic, and don’t push forward too fast right now because eclipses tend to reveal things over time,” says Gailing. “This period is about seeing what happens, and then going back over things, and reassessing, if need be.”

On May 19, just before Taurus season comes to a close, a new moon in Taurus gives us a sigh of relief and a chance for renewal, says Lettman. If you used the forced cosmic slowdown of the Mercury retrograde to review and reassess, the arrival of the new moon marks a time to act on what you’ve learned and put new plans in motion accordingly.

Which signs are most affected by Taurus season in 2023?

Because the sun is in Taurus, naturally, Taureans will be the most affected by the goings-on of Taurus season. “They will feel more like themselves and find it easier to take the spotlight, but they could also struggle with some self-doubt and deep self-reflection because of the coinciding Mercury retrograde,” says Lettman.

The other fixed signs—Aquarius, Leo, and Scorpio—will also deeply resonate with Taurus season’s energy because they share its steadfast modality. These signs can expect an increase in determination, focus, and empowerment, according to Lettman.

Additionally, the energy of Taurus season lends both Virgo and Capricorn, Taurus’s fellow Earth signs, a feeling of grounded consistency that will make it easier for them to work toward their goals and be productive.

And because Venus is not only Taurus’s planetary ruler, but also Libra’s, the Librans will also get a little boost this season, says Lettman. In particular, they could feel more inspired than usual to pursue (or re-up) luxurious or artistic endeavors, and will be more motivated to take care of both themselves and their loved ones.

As for everyone else? The energy of Taurus season in 2023 may not hit as powerfully but will still uniquely affect every zodiac sign, given that the sun in Taurus occupies a different astrological house for each. Below, find your sign’s Taurus-season horoscope, along with star-sanctioned advice for making the most of it.

Taurus season 2023 horoscopes for every zodiac sign

Aries

We’re fresh off your season, Aries, and heading into a time that’s pretty much the opposite vibe of your preferred operating mode (which is to charge ahead). Though it may not come naturally, methodical planning can do you some good this Taurus season, according to Lettman. Remember: Progress doesn’t have to come all at once, or in a linear fashion, to be worthwhile.

Taurus

Happy (almost) birthday, Taurus! It’s your season. But while you may be particularly in your groove when it comes to your personal life, Lettman advises not to get distracted at work; as Mercury’s retrograde journey spans nearly your entire season, communication-based mishaps are inevitable if you don’t take extra precautions. Once this transit passes, things will seem more stable, and it’ll feel more possible to push through any work challenges.

Gemini

Get ready to dive deep, Gemini. For you, this season is dedicated to self-reflection and healing, as the sun in Taurus moves through your 12th house of the inner psyche. Take all the time you need to tend to your mental health, and embrace activities like breathwork and meditation that help to quiet worries and anxieties.

Cancer

With values-rooted Venus moving into your sign this season, Cancer, you may feel more sensitive and reflective, especially when it comes to family matters. Prioritize spending time with those you love—however, don’t get too frustrated if they seem to not be making as much time for you, says Lettman. Remember: Emotions are high during eclipse seasons, and Mercury retrograde makes crossed wires all too common.

Leo

Mars moving into your sign this Taurus season will give you a boost of confidence and energy, Leo—not that you need it, though. (You’re quite literally the beating heart of the zodiac.) Take that poise into the workplace, and it could really pay off, says Lettman. This time is particularly supportive for your career with the sun in Taurus residing in your 10th house of reputation.

Virgo

You may love your rituals and routines, Virgo, but Lettman says this Taurus season will bring the necessary understanding that sometimes, it’s good to dream a little bigger. The sun in Taurus is transiting your ninth house of exploration and discovery, pushing you to envision the ways in which you might expand your horizons or embrace a little wanderlust. Just don’t make any big moves yet; you’ll be better served taking steps toward your future when Mercury completes its Taurean retrograde.

Libra

Taurus season activates a very deep part of your chart, Libra: the eighth house of sex, intimacy, taboos, and death. Though you might normally prefer to focus your energy on thinking (as a cerebral air sign), this season is asking you to embrace feelings. According to Lettman, you could spend this period “really healing from the past and rebuilding from the inside out.” Use this time to decide what makes you feel content and comfortable in your own skin—and act on that.

Scorpio

The emotional turbulence of the eclipses this Taurus season could hit you—and your relationships—extra hard, Scorpio. Not only does the lunar eclipse happen in your sign, but also, the sun transiting directly opposite your sign, in Taurus, highlights your seventh house of one-on-one partnerships. You could feel romantic or perhaps come to a clearer understanding of exactly what you want in a significant other, says Lettman. If you have one, also be prepared for what you do have to get more serious.

Sagittarius

As a gregarious fire sign, you may be naturally confident in yourself, Sagittarius. But this Taurus season, you could find that you’re really on the ball, says Lettman. The sun in Taurus moves through your sixth house of daily rituals and wellness, lending Taurean perseverance and determination to your everyday to-do list. Just be sure that you don’t use productivity to mask oncoming burnout. Remember: You don’t have to go it alone, and it’s okay to lean on others for support.

Capricorn

As a fellow Earth sign to Taurus, you could feel especially grounded this season, Capricorn. It’d be wise to use the firm foundation you’ve built to let loose a little bit. You know how to work hard for others; now, it’s time to put your own happiness front and center, says Lettman, as the sun in sensual Taurus moves through your fifth house of pleasure and play. If you’re single, you may also be motivated to start dating someone new who has the potential to be a serious partner, she adds—so, if you have any first dates on the docket, keep an eye out for keepers.

Aquarius

The energy of the sun in Taurus won’t hit you as intensely as that of Pluto retrograding in your sign, Aquarius. This planetary transit could cause you to consider whether you’re really hitting all the targets you’ve set for yourself and getting what you need to live the life you want, says Lettman. Though things may feel a bit existential, this kind of big-picture pondering likely isn’t too foreign for you—and if you lean into it, you might just learn something from it.

Pisces

The emotional waves of the eclipses this Taurus season could have you very in your feelings, Pisces. But while you’re typically a great judge of your own emotions as an empathic water sign, you may struggle to communicate them to those around you; after all, Mercury retrograde in Taurus falls squarely in your third house of communication and information, making things in that realm feel wonky. As a result, beware that your words and feelings might not be fully reflective of each other.

Swift seems to be saying that inauthenticity and narcissism are two traits of her shadow self, or the aspects of the personality that are difficult for her to accept. “The concept of the shadow self was first introduced by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung,” holistic-business and mind-set coach Amina AlTai previously told Well+Good. “He believed, studied, and demonstrated that we all have dark sides of our personality that we hide in order to stay safe, lovable, and accepted by our communities, families, and society.”

But shedding light on your shadow and learning how it presents itself can help you feel more integrated and connected to yourself—you can do so by taking a simple shadow personality test that can kickstart the exploration of your shadow self, which according to experts, is a key part of who you are.

What is the shadow self?

The concept of the shadow self is about what’s underneath the persona we present to others. According to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of Joy From Fear, it’s all about what’s underneath the surface. “The shadow aspect tends to be the part we are not familiar with that we tend to repress,” she says. “It often holds the pieces of the self that are filled with shame, guilt, inferiority, and unlovability—all of those critical pieces that we like to keep away from the persona that is very ego-driven,” she says. Everyone has a shadow, and Dr. Manly says what’s important is to recognize your personal shadow traits and to draw them out into the light to work on healing and integrating them.

Often, things you judge others for being are your shadow traits, or emotions you don’t allow yourself to feel, like anger, for example, are elements you’ve put into your shadow because you believe revealing them to others would lead to disconnection or rejection.

So where do these shadow traits come from? According to licensed therapist Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, co-founder of Viva Wellness and author of The Shadow Work Workbook: Self-Care Exercises for Healing Your Trauma and Exploring Your Hidden Self, for many people the shadow self is a result of their past experiences. “For most people a lot of it is historical, and sometimes it can be a present manifestation of a shadow that has long roots in a person’s history,” he says.

There’s no specific list of shadow traits, because any emotion can be part of someone’s shadow self. However, it’s important to note that the specific emotions that comprise someone’s shadow self aren’t necessarily only negative ones. What determines someone’s shadow trait isn’t the presence of an emotion, but rather how it’s expressed, Dr. Manly says. For example, I took the quiz and got anger. While anger can manifest in negative and damaging ways, it’s not itself a negative emotion because it can also have useful, positive applications like keeping you safe by enforcing your boundaries. Whereas a negative expression of anger would be erupting at people unexpectedly or demeaning others.

Similarly, even seemingly positive traits can be part of the shadow self. Going back to the Taylor Swift example, altruism and volunteerism are generally considered positive qualities; however, if someone only does good deeds for others to get something in return, like monetary compensation or admiration or recognition, that would be a shadow manifestation of that quality that isn’t necessarily positive. “If you are really just giving for givings’ sake that is a light quality, but if you’re doing it to get something back from it that would be shadow,” Dr. Manly says.

And through doing shadow work, it’s possible to bring these emotions into the light (meaning become conscious of them) so they don’t cause harm in the background (your subconscious). This work isn’t instant and can happen over a lifetime. According to Caraballo, the idea of shadow work is to identify and work on these emotions to the point that “those things won’t be sort of working subconsciously in the background creating these internal conflicts that may manifest in troubles in our everyday lives.”

How to use quizzes and assessments to learn about your shadow self

While Dr. Manly says short shadow personality tests like this one are overly simple and not a useful tool for definitively learning about your shadow self, they can serve as a jumping off point to explore further. In a session with a clinical psychologist or therapist, a more rigorous analysis takes place that can allow someone to actually do the work of contending with their shadow self.

“It’s not easy to face these parts so it’s really important that people take their time even if they’re really excited or hopeful about what they can learn and work through.”—Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, therapist and author 

And while many people can benefit from doing shadow work, it’s important to note that there are some for whom this work won’t be realistic or possible. Because this involves considering what some people may find to be the worst parts of themselves, Caraballo says it’s important to delve into this when you’re not in psychological or mental crisis mode.

Especially coming out of the pandemic he’s noticed people wanting to engage with their emotions more deeply, but that the idea of uncovering something potentially unpleasant can be unnerving to some. He emphasizes the importance of taking your time doing shadow work and not rushing through, and only doing it when you have “really solid and consistent sources to help ground [you].”

When it comes to grounding, guided meditations may help, and Caraballo personally uses a token ritual to do this. (“It’s where you sort of imbue a small token with a certain psychic energy through meditation, and you use that as a grounding tool moving forward to help you feel safe as you navigate a difficult situation,” he says.) The key is to have the supports in place before you start. “It’s not easy to face these parts,” he says, “so it’s really important that people take their time even if they’re really excited or hopeful about what they can learn and work through.”

In general, it’s important to keep in mind that when planets move forward, it feels like we’re progressing toward something, says astrologer Alexandria Lettman. So during the slowdown of Mercury retrograde, “it’s the universe telling us that we need to rethink or reconsider something or reassess what we’ve done,” she says. Astrologers generally advise not starting anything new and keeping watch for misunderstandings, cancellations, and delays, during these periods.

According to astrologer Maria Sofia Marmanides, author of The Oracle Card Journal, the Taurus energy infusing this particular Mercury retrograde may yield frustration about the pace. Taurus likes the opportunity to work slow and steady, but the Mercury retrograde will amplify this slowness. (Think: waiting for a returned text, or for an update on a job application.) But don’t counteract this energy by doing something hasty: “This will only lead to more errors, so be aware of reacting to slowness with impulsivity,” she says.

“If you don’t take this time to reconsider something and find a mistake that you completely overlooked, you would just keep pushing and wondering why nothing’s coming from your plans.”—astrologer Alexandria Lettman

However, a potential upside of this Mercury retrograde in Taurus, the second Mercury retrograde transit of the year, is a chance to thoughtfully examine and assess what’s working and what’s not when it comes to getting what you want. “You could be pushing forward with plans and ideas that are just never going to work,” Lettman says. “If you don’t take this time to reconsider something and find a mistake that you completely overlooked, you would just keep pushing and wondering why nothing’s coming from your plans.” And if you find that what you’re doing isn’t working? Switch gears.

Read on for how the Mercury retrograde in Taurus will specifically affect each zodiac sign, according to Marmanides.

What the 2023 mercury retrograde in Taurus means for each zodiac sign, according to an astrologer

Aries

Keep an eye on that bank account balance, Aries, because this Mercury retrograde touches your second house of value, possessions, ownership, and finances. According to Marmanides, you should be cautious about your spending habits and wait to make any consequential, expensive purchases or investments. Tech purchases aren’t a good idea, either, so consider holding off on that new TV, laptop, or Apple Watch.

Taurus

Mercury is retrograding in your sign and affecting your first house of the self, Taurus. Marmanides says it’s your chance at redemption: Spend time fixing any miscommunications, whether those are misspoken or unsaid words, or ways you’ve hurt someone.

Gemini

Mercury is your ruling planet, Gemini, and it’s retrograde in your 12th house, which has to do with the subconscious and what’s unseen. Even though you’re very social, Marmanides recommends giving yourself a break from being the life of the party during this transit. Go through your schedule and streamline it, so it only includes essentials, and be sure to build in time for stress-relief.

Cancer

It’s time for a phone cleanse, Cancer. Avoid getting into unnecessary spats in the DMs or on the wrong side of an argument happening on social media. Marmanides advises thinking long and hard before posting, in general, because Mercury retrogrades in your 11th house of friendships and networking.

Leo

Leo, now isn’t the time to make brash moves in the office, because this retrograde affects your 10th house of career. This extends to your digital communications, too. Marmanides says to keep an eye on your inbox—double, even triple, check every email you send to avoid potentially humiliating reply-all goofs.

Virgo

Mercury retrograde tosses itineraries into disarray, so it’s particularly important for you, Virgo, to double check the dates, times, and locations of every appointment you have coming up because your ninth house of travel and thoughts comes into play. Marmanides suggests leaving plenty of time in your schedule to get to and from every locale, and planning to be delayed.

Libra

Inadequate communication can hamper your relationships at this time, Libra, especially in terms of negotiations. This Mercury retrograde is happening in your eighth house of shared finances, taxes, and debts. Marmanides says to extend some understanding and patience to those around you and to remember that everyone is feeling a little off-kilter. Don’t read between the lines and find slights where there are none.

Scorpio

Scorpio, miscommunication with your romantic partner could happen and hurt your feelings because the retrograde touches your seventh house of partnership. Be extra careful to take time to be thoughtful and be mindful of your words so they don’t cause more harm. Marmanides says this disconnect is probably rooted in misunderstanding intentions—not malice or incivility.

Sagittarius

Sag, hold onto your planner, because Marmanides says you’ll feel the effects of this retrograde most on your schedule with Mercury retrograding in your sixth house of routines. Think: incomplete or missing paperwork, traffic delays, or missed appointments. To avoid logistical calamity, write down everything and then give it all another read.

Capricorn

Get ready to see some ghosts from your past, Cap: Marmanides says a fling or an ex could resurface during this Mercury retrograde, which happens in your fifth house of creativity and romance. Remember that it’s up to you whether they play a role in your life as it is now, so carefully think about whether they deserve it.

Aquarius

Aquarius, your mind is on your family issues because the Mercury retrograde touches on your fourth house of home, ancestry, and lineage. An event or person from your past will make a re-entrance into your life during this Mercury retrograde, but Marmanides encourages you to not be annoyed or plagued by their presence and to use it as an opportunity to heal and move forward.

Pisces

Now is the time for you to be careful with your words, Pisces, because this Mercury retrograde touches on your third house of neighbors and communications. Marmanides cautions to not partake in any unsavory comms that could be used against you if someone took a screenshot, whether in texts or on social media. Don’t get loose-lipped, because it could burn you later.

What is emotional stability?

The idea behind the Big Five personality model, created by psychologists Gerard Saucier and Lewis R. Goldberg, is that each person’s personality is a mix of various levels of five key facets: extraversion, emotional stability/neuroticism, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and openness to experience.

Within each trait, people who take the test can score high or low; for example, someone who scores high in the extraversion category is very outgoing and probably finds social interactions easy and nourishing, while someone with a low score is much more reserved. Someone who scores high on the conscientiousness portion is quite thoughtful and attentive, while someone with a low score in that category is much less so.

Emotional stability/neuroticism, the trait that was found to be most correlated with life satisfaction, refers to “the frequency and intensity of negative emotions like fear, anger, sadness, and anxiety,”says  Manon van Scheppingen, PhD, an assistant professor at Tilburg University and co-researcher on the study. So the more emotionally stable you are, the better able you are to handle these emotions, while someone who is less stable is less able to cope with them.

However, the word stability may conjure some misunderstanding. Dr. van Scheppingen says being more emotionally stable doesn’t mean you experience more positive emotions, just that you experience less negative emotions and are better able to cope with them when they do arise.

It’s important to note that all of these personality traits exist on a spectrum. “If you think about this like a continuum, most people are in the middle where they are not completely neurotic and not completely emotionally stable,” Dr. van Scheppingen says.

The connection between emotional stability and life satisfaction

In the study, which was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in March, researchers assessed 9,100 Dutch people ranging in age from 16 to 95 years-old over 11 years to see which of the Big Five personality traits corresponded most to higher levels of life satisfaction across their lifespan, regardless of changes in their social roles and responsibilities. The participants answered questionnaires that evaluated how satisfied they were with their social relationships; they also had the 5,928 employed participants answer questions about how satisfied they were at work.

Other previous studies have already shown that people who score high on certain Big Five personality traits—emotional stability, extraversion, conscientiousness, and agreeableness—have higher levels of life satisfaction at different stages of their lives than those with lower scores in those areas, says study co-author Gabriel Olaru, PhD, an assistant professor at Tilburg University in the Netherlands. But this new study examined how the personality traits played a role over the entire course of someone’s life.

“Our main goal with this research was to look at where the personality is relevant for life satisfaction across the entire lifespan because we thought maybe in young age you have different roles or different tasks in your life than old age,” Dr. Olaru says. For example higher extraversion is connected with more life satisfaction in adolescence because of how that trait lends itself to making friends. “Later on it’s more about being emotionally stable or conscientious because you may already be married and have children and your social relationships are already more fixed, so we were interested in to what degree that plays a role,” he explains.

Even despite changing life circumstances, they found that the most emotionally stable people had high life satisfaction throughout the duration of their lives and the study. They also found that highly conscientiousness people reported more satisfaction with work, and more extraverted and agreeable people were more pleased with their social connections. Plus, people who increased their levels of these qualities  over time said they were more satisfied in their work and social lives.

How to become more emotionally stable

So what if you take the Big 5 personality test and find that you score low on emotional stability—does that mean you’re doomed to be less satisfied with your life? No, not at all. Although studies have found that personality is to some extent genetic, it’s not set in stone. “If you can train and you can build habits and keep it up long enough until you can do them without effort, then that may lead to a personality change,” Dr. Olaru says.

“If you can train and you can build habits and keep it up long enough until you can do them without effort, then that may lead to a personality change.”—study co-author Gabriel Olaru, PhD, assistant professor at Tilburg University

According to Viktoriya Karakcheyeva, MD, director of behavioral health at the Resiliency and Well-Being Center at George Washington University’s School of Medicine & Health Sciences, it’s important to remember that everyone is starting from somewhere different from others. But positive skills, like regulating your emotions, can eventually be learned. “Maybe you’re starting at the point where you have more vulnerabilities than someone else, but you can practice those skills,” she says. “It’s about functionality and figuring out what functions best for you as an individual.”

Managing your response to negative emotions and the stress that comes with them is something that can be worked on. One way to think about this, according to Dr. Karakcheyeva, is the stress bucket model, created by psychologists Alison Brabban and Douglas Turkington. The model is a simplified way to think about each person’s capacity for stress and negative emotions as a bucket that gradually fills up as you go about your day.

“Over the course of the day we fill that bucket with different things and those stressors come in gradually or they may come in a big chunk that can fill the bucket up pretty fast,” Dr. Karakcheyeva says. “People who can better handle stress have some sort of well-regulated tap that releases what comes into the bucket gradually.” And luckily, there are plenty of ways to strengthen and create new outlets to help you deal with what life throws your way.

Enriching your life in ways that can alleviate your stress and make it easier to respond to tough emotions looks a lot of different ways, such as creating and maintaining strong social connections. And Dr. Karakcheyeva says that even seemingly basic practices, like time outside in the sun, nourishing your body with food, and getting adequate sleep are part of emptying our buckets.

So how do you make these positive behaviors part of your routine and turn them into lifelong habits that can change your perosnality? Dr. Karakcheyeva says the best way is to “start where you are” and begin incorporating new habits and practices in a way that’s realistic and doable. If they’re achievable, you’re more likely to consistently do them which is key. For example, if you’d like to start meditating and doing mindfulness exercises like joy snacking, don’t start with carving out an extended period of time or deciding it has to be done in a specific, special place.

Instead, try out a quick mindfulness break to see how it goes, and adjust from there. “You can start with one minute a day, and you can even do it sitting in your office where you maybe close your eyes, take a deep breath, pause, and notice what’s going on within your body and scan it for the points of tension, or maybe you get in touch with it just by noticing it and you may just leave it at that,” she says. The point is, don’t set yourself up to fail before you start by making it unachievable.

Because many people say they want their partner to be their BFF, the idea of losing a friend (not just a S.O.) can make the transition from lovers to strangers even tougher. As a result, the idea of staying friends with your ex may come up as you uncouple, or even later on. But relationship experts say pursuing—and maintaining—a healthy friendship with your ex is challenging under the best of circumstances. So before you slap a new label on your relationship, it’s worth taking some time to determine whether or not it’s in your best interest.

What to consider when it comes to being friends with your ex

Numerous factors go into whether a friendship with an ex is possible, such as: who dumped who, the reasons for the breakup, how each partner took the breakup, and how long the couple was together, according to Jess Carbino, PhD, former sociologist for dating apps Tinder and Bumble.

Dr. Carbino says whether it’s possible to be friends with an ex has a lot to do with how serious the relationship was to begin with and how much “connective tissue” remains. For example, it’ll be a lot easier to establish and maintain a friendship with someone you casually dated briefly because there isn’t as much history, responsibility, and potentially pain there, compared to someone you dated for years or lived with.

“As people age and relationships become more serious, particularly with relationships involving cohabitation, that type of friendship becomes very much an impossibility in my mind,” says Dr. Carbino, though she does add that it’s potentially easier to be friends with someone you’ve had a lot of time away from, like a high school sweetheart.

There’s also a difference between being friends and being friendly. Dr. Carbino points out that couples who have deep ties to one another, for example through sharing kids, have more reason to remain friendly with each other than others.

Regardless of whether they are parents as well as partners, “a couple takes on a shared identity while they’re together, with shared friends and activities, and breaking up severs that identity,” Dr. Carbino says. In the aftermath of a relationship running its course, you may find yourself splitting friends and activities—a normal part of the process—but trying to stay friends to keep these bonds intact can get messy fast, so be mindful about your intentions. Seeing friendship as a softer landing pad after partnership may inadvertently lead to harder feelings down the line.

“The process by which people uncouple is a social process and involves creating separate identities from that other person, which would involve the cessation of contact.”—sociologist Jess Carbino, PhD

Plus, truly healing and moving on after a breakup requires introspection and time to yourself—a process that may be impeded if your ex is still in the picture. “The process by which people uncouple is a social process and involves creating separate identities from that other person, which would involve the cessation of contact,” says Dr. Carbino.

What to consider before deciding to stay friends with your ex

According to Kara Kays, LMFT, regional clinic director with the mental-health platform Thriveworks, a healthy relationship that adds to your life is one built on trust, honesty, and respect. If it’s not possible to have that with your ex, don’t pursue friendship, so advises. She also recommends really considering what you’re asking for when extending or accepting an offer of friendship with an ex. Are you trying to keep the bond intact because you’re not ready to let go? Or maybe you’re the one breaking up with your partner and you want to soften the blow to be polite? Ask these questions to decide what you want out of the relationship, and use the answers to evaluate whether it makes sense or not.

The most important thing, she says is to not offer to be friends if you don’t mean it. Breaking up is a painful, tough process, and extending an offer of friendship may seem like a kindness—but it isn’t if it’s not genuine. Dr. Carbino recommends not offering to remain friends if you don’t really mean it because an inauthentic offer of friendship can be hurtful, confusing, and disingenuous—not the goal if you’re trying to break up with someone respectfully and effectively.

If you’ve decided you’d like to pursue a friendship with your ex, see below for the do’s and don’ts of this new type of connection.

The do’s and don’ts of staying friends with an ex

Do: Decide what kind of relationship you want to share

There are different types of friends, as well as different levels of friendship. Determine what type of relationship you’d like to pursue with you ex and then clearly communicate the nature of the new dynamic you’re looking for to ensure that you’re both on the same page upfront. Figuring out what role you want this person to play in your life will be helpful to set boundaries and dictate the grounds of the friendship, Kays says.

Do: Give yourself time

Time may not heal all wounds, but it can certainly soften them. Kays says you don’t have to make a decision immediately after the breakup about whether you want to attempt a friendship with your ex. The passage of time will make it easier to gain perspective and make a decision that feels best to you. “Give yourself as much time as necessary to redefine what this new relationship is going to look like with this old person,” she advises.

And on the flip-side, if you’ve tried being friends with an ex and it’s not working, you’re not obligated to continue. Just like any other platonic relationship, a friendship with an ex can run its course, too.

Do: Understand that they have a say, too

Even if you’ve decided you’d like to stay friends with your ex, remember that they also have a say in whether there’s a relationship moving forward. Even if you want to maintain a friendship, your ex has every right to reject that offer. “At the end of the day, you can ask for what your need is, but somebody else doesn’t have to oblige and they don’t need to step into that role,” Kays says.

Do: Set (and respect) boundaries

Take some time to set boundaries to guide how you’ll engage with your ex as a friend. Is this person going to be someone you go to coffee with alone, or someone you see only on outings with your wider friend group like a trivia night or house party? Kays recommends deciding this ahead of time.

Part of setting healthy boundaries is redefining this person’s role in a platonic context. It’s not fair to expect the same things from your ex in friendship as you did when they were your partner. And remember that this goes both ways.

Two boundaries Dr. Carbino recommends setting are agreements to only meet in public places and to not drink together to eliminate any chances of hooking up or being physical, which would move the relationship back into the romantic arena and muddy the waters.

Don’t: Do all the activities you did as a couple together

You know what they say about returning to the scene of the crime—don’t do it. Don’t slot your former partner, now friend, into their previous role just without the romance. For example, if you had a standing farmer’s market date, returning there together may be confusing and weird; calling your ex when you’re sad because you relied on them to cheer you up when you were a couple probably won’t work, either. Instead, interact in a way that won’t bring up old and potentially painful memories or resurface old habits.

Don’t: Let them hold you back from exploring new romances

One important consideration to make when deciding whether your ex belongs in your life as a friend is whether their presence will discourage you from pursuing new romantic relationships. Dr. Carbino recommends really thinking about whether seeing your ex as a friend is influencing you to avoid or slow walk coupling up with someone else. “If [the friendship] is diminishing [your] likelihood of getting together with someone else, I think that that would be an issue,” she says.

Below, gynecologist and sexual-wellness expert Christie Cobb, MD, breaks down what you need to know about STI testing and answers the top questions she gets from patients in her practice about STIs.

Why it’s important to get tested for STIs if you have sex

According to preliminary data published last April from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), there were a record 2.5 million reported cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis in 2021—an increase from the 2.4 million reported in 2020. And though these high numbers may reflect, in part, a lack of access to screening and testing during the pandemic, they also build on a concerning trend of rising cases of STIs well before the pandemic.

Because of the widespread prevalence of STIs (and the shame and stigma that work against open disclosure), Dr. Cobb emphasizes the importance of getting tested regularly, so you know where you stand.

Regardless of your results, it’s also a smart idea to take preventative measures against contracting an STI whenever you have sex. Though no method (beyond abstinence from sex) is a 100-percent guarantee against transmission, consistent use of condoms can significantly reduce your risk. The key word there, though, is consistent. “It’s like wearing a seat belt; you just have to wear it every single time [you have sex] like a habit,” says Dr. Cobb.

“It’s like wearing a seat belt; you just have to wear [protection] every single time [you have sex] like a habit.”—Christie Cobb, MD, gynecologist

While the CDC also recommends reducing your number of sexual partners and engaging in mutual monogamy (meaning you and a partner agree to only be sexually active with each other) as a means to limit STI transmission, it’s certainly possible for folks in non-monogamous relationship structures and others with multiple sexual partners to enjoy safe sex. It just requires more frequent STI testing and open communication about results.

In particular, Dr. Cobb encourages her patients to “get tested between [sexual] partners, so that if you start a new relationship, you can honestly document that you’re negative and then ideally ask your partner to also produce a negative test.” It may feel like an awkward topic to discuss, but it’s important to communicate your STI status to current and potential partners, so that all people involved can make informed decisions about sex with their health in mind.

How to get tested for STIs

There are plenty of resources for low-cost and even free STI testing. If you have a primary-care doctor or gynecologist, you can plan a visit to get tested (or have testing included as part of a yearly checkup). Dr. Cobb recommends checking with your insurance before your visit to determine which tests are covered under your plan, so you know what to expect in terms of payment. If you’d rather test yourself in the privacy of your home, it’s also possible to order discreet, at-home STI test kits from companies like Nurx and TBD Health, which may be partially covered by insurance, too.

If you don’t have insurance, you can visit a community health center, like Planned Parenthood, which offers reduced or no-cost STI testing, depending on your financial situation. The CDC also has a dedicated page on its website full of STI information, including an online tool that will identify places near you where you can get tested based on your zip code.

The top 3 questions about STIs that patients ask a gynecologist

1. Do I need to get tested for STIs?

Among the most common questions about STIs that Dr. Cobb gets from patients is just whether they really need to be tested. In fact, she’s made it a habit to ask patients herself if they’d like to be tested, so they don’t have to broach the topic first.

The answer is “anyone who has had any intimate contact with any mucus membrane,” she says, “whether through oral, vaginal, or anal contact” should be tested. Given that plenty of different activities can qualify as “sex” for different people, it’s better to err on the safe side, she says: “If you’ve done anything with your body with anyone else and their body that could count as sexual activity, you should probably get tested.” If you’re not having sex, though, you don’t have to get tested for STIs.

2. How often do I need to be tested?

Another common inquiry is when exactly to get tested. If you’ve recently had unprotected sex or suspect you may have been exposed to an STI, you’ll want to wait about three weeks to get tested, given certain viruses and bacteria may not be visible on a test before that window is up. “Usually, the soonest [any infection] is going to show up is three weeks, but I encourage patients who had an unprotected exposure to come back to be tested after three months and six months, too,” says Dr. Cobb. “If all of those tests are negative, you can fully consider yourself negative.” (This applies to the most common STIs, such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis, HIV, and syphilis.)

In scenarios where you don’t have reason to suspect a recent exposure, it’s wise to follow the CDC recommendations for STI testing, which vary based on sexual behavior. For example, the CDC recommends that all people between ages 13 to 64 be tested at least once for HIV, and that all sexually active people with vaginas over age 25 be tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia every year if they have “new or multiple sex partners, or a sex partner with an [STI].” In general, though, Dr. Cobb says a good rule of thumb is to get tested before you have a new partner and between partners.

3. Which STIs do I need to be tested for?

Most STI tests cover a variety of common infections that require both blood and urine samples, says Dr. Cobb. Tests for HIV, hepatitis, and syphilis are typically conducted by way of a blood sample, while gonorrhea and chlamydia are assessed with a urine test (or the sample from a pap smear for folks with cervixes). And herpes is most commonly tested with a scrape from an active lesion, she adds.

Because your individual medical or sexual history may also put you at risk for other STIs, it’s worth asking your healthcare provider for additional guidance here, too.

Here’s the basic layout of the 50/30/20 budget: Considering your take-home pay after taxes, you’d allocate 50 percent of those funds toward necessities—think: rent, utilities, bills, and groceries. The remaining 50 percent is then divided into 30 percent for lifestyle spending (dining out, clothes, vacations, concerts, etc.) and 20 percent for retirement savings and debt.

“This budget allows you to build in lifestyle experiences with your money so you can enjoy life today and not [just] later.” —Cassandra Cummings, investment strategist

This simple framework gets top marks from financial experts because it allows for balance between what’s fun and what’s necessary. It’s also not restrictive and can be easily tailored to fit someone’s needs, says Cassandra Cummings, investment strategist and author of Fearless Finances: A Timeless Guide to Building Wealth. “Most budgets really have people sacrificing, but [the 50/30/20 budget] has become popular because people don’t want to delay gratification, and this allows you to build in lifestyle experiences with your money so you can enjoy life today and not [just] later,” she says. That means feeling totally free to buy that latté (or make any other just-because splurge) every once in a while, no guilt included.

The balance baked into the 50/30/20 budget also makes it easier to maintain for the long haul than a budget that’s either too loose or too strict, says Judi Leahy, senior wealth advisor for U.S. Consumer Wealth Management at Citi Personal Wealth Management. Naturally, spending too much on the fun lifestyle stuff will leave you less prepared to deal with unexpected challenges, like a medical emergency, and to plan for the future—but cutting out all fun isn’t realistic either. “Certain life events may still throw you off track, but if you keep coming back to the 50/30/20 framework, it can really work long-term,” says Leahy.

Its main limitation arises for those whose income may not allow them to allocate just 50 percent of their take-home pay to necessities, according to financial coach Dasha Kennedy, founder of financial education platform The Broke Black Girl. In that case, it may be possible to adjust the percentages, so that you’re using however much is necessary to cover your basic living expenses while still dividing anything left over into a chunk for lifestyle spending and a chunk for savings and debt.

4 steps for getting started with and making the most of the 50/30/20 budget, per financial experts

1. Figure out where your take-home pay is going right now

Before implementing any new budget, it’s a good idea to take a look at your finances as they are now in order to get a clear picture of what’s happening, says Leahy. Maybe you’re already spending close to or within the guidelines of the 50/30/20 budget, or maybe you’re devoting a more substantial amount toward debt and future-planning than the budget entails, and you’d like to make a shift. Once you have a clear idea of your present financial status, you can figure out how to re-allocate.

2. Assess whether you need to adjust in order to limit necessities to 50 percent

The key part of the 50/30/20 budget that ensures its flexibility and sustainability is the 50-percent portion, according to Leahy and Cummings. Allocating just half of your take-home pay to the necessities is what will allow you to find some wiggle room with the rest of your money. But that can be easier said than done.

If you find that you’re regularly devoting more than half of your budget to the basics, examine if there are places to make trims. For example, if you live in a particularly expensive housing market and find that your rent alone accounts for more than 50 percent of your take-home pay, you might consider getting a roommate. Similarly, shopping at a big-box store for groceries and buying in bulk can help you cut down on the amount you’re spending on everyday food.

3. Determine your values, and use them as a guide

At this point, you could simply adjust your current spending and saving to align with the 50/30/20 framework, and that would be totally fine. But exploring how your money is being allocated also presents the opportunity to optimize your new budget for your values.

Figuring out what those values are—and aligning your spending and saving habits with them—is an under-discussed piece of financial wellness that the 50/30/20 budget helps spotlight, according to Lauren Bringle, an accredited financial counselor at fintech Self Financial. “It’s about shifting your mindset to focus on what you value, and making a plan so that your money aligns with that,” she says.

For example, maybe you determine that, right now, you value saving for your future more than present-day spending on meals or trips, so you decide to allocate the 30-percent portion of the 50/30/20 framework toward saving and the smaller 20-percent chunk toward lifestyle expenses.

Beyond allocating 50 percent of your take-home pay for necessities, the budget’s numbers aren’t set in stone, says Cummings. “You can play around with that other half of the pie based on where you are in your financial journey.”

Naturally, that means the budget can also flex one way or the other as your circumstances change, in both the short-term and long-term. For instance, if you’re someone who very much values being out of the house in the summer, whether on lengthier vacations or excursions with friends to local activities, you may want to allocate more of your budget to lifestyle spending in those months—which might mean decreasing that spending and upping your savings allocation in the winter, says Leahy.

In any case, it’s wise to consider the 50/30/20 budget as a loose (rather than rigid) framework, and adjust it to align with your values as they shift over time.

4. Don’t forget about your future self

It may be easy to justify more lifestyle spending now—whether based on your current values, stage of life, or circumstances—but that still doesn’t mean you should skimp too much on the piece of the budget dedicated to savings and debt.

Within that chunk, Leahy says it’s important to at least include retirement savings, like contributions to a Roth IRA (particularly if contributions to an employer-provided 401(k) aren’t already coming out of your take-home pay). And to give your future self maximum flexibility, it’s also important to include regular payments toward any debts within that (roughly) 20-percent chunk, so you don’t wind up paying more in interest down the line.

In particular, Kennedy suggests prioritizing paying off debts that carry high interest rates, as well as low-amount debts (to get them out of the way). And Leahy recommends staying on top of credit-card debt because that has a way of quickly adding up, leading to more trouble in the future if you delay now.

“Sleep debt occurs when you’re not getting enough opportunity to sleep compared to your body’s current needs,” says sleep psychologist Jade Wu, PhD, sleep advisor for Mattress Firm. While adults generally need somewhere between seven and nine hours of sleep each night, the exact number can fluctuate based on your daytime activities. For example, if you do a high-intensity workout one day, you may need more sleep than usual that night. So, if you sleep for your usual amount of time (say, seven hours) and you’re still tired the next day, you’re likely coming up short—meaning, you are accumulating sleep debt.

“Sleep debt occurs when you’re not getting enough opportunity to sleep compared to your body’s current needs.” —Jade Wu, PhD, sleep psychologist

But unlike other types of debt, a sleep deficit created by depriving your body of sleep for a few consecutive nights typically can’t be remedied by simply making up for lost sleep. (After all, if you’ve accumulated 10 hours of sleep debt during the course of the workweek, it’s probably not feasible for you to sleep an additional 10 hours on top of your usual sleep to make up the difference over the weekend.)

Below, sleep doctors break down the often-misunderstood concept of sleep debt and share their best advice for getting ahead of it.

Why paying off a sleep deficit isn’t as simple as sleeping in on the weekend

The most common misconception about sleep debt is the idea that you can erase the deficit by sleeping in for a certain number of hours, says pulmonologist and sleep-medicine specialist Raj Dasgupta, MD. As noted above, it isn’t typically possible, nor a smart idea, to try to sleep for several additional hours in order to account for the hours of sleep you’ve recently lost.

Also, this kind of additional sleeping won’t reverse the effects of sleep deprivation, anyway. “When you are sleep-deprived, even if you sleep extra the next day, the clinical manifestations linger for days afterword,” says Dr. Dasgupta. Translation: You could still feel groggy, moody, or just not fully with it for a couple days after losing sleep, even if you try to make it up.

That said, allowing your body to sleep “just for as long as it wants to sleep,” when you can (like on a weekend) can allow you to pay off some of that sleep debt, says Dr. Wu. After all, sometimes, your body is just hungry for a little more sleep than you can reasonably feed it during the workweek, and catching up a bit can help.

Even so, Dr. Wu and Dr. Dasgupta say that this isn’t a great fix long-term because it requires you to shift your sleep schedule and adopt a later wake-up time throughout the weekend, which can have the effect of jet lag, making it tougher to fall asleep at your usual time come Sunday night. (It’s for that reason that sleep experts don’t recommend sleeping in any longer than about an hour on the weekends.)

How to actually mitigate sleep debt and get back on track with your sleep

If you find that you are regularly accumulating sleep debt during the week, try to fit a short nap into each afternoon, and aim to go to bed earlier on weekends. Ideally, that allows you to keep your wake-up time consistent across both weekdays and weekends, which is key to maintaining your circadian rhythm. “What you want to do is set the anchor of when you get up in the morning at the same time because that’s the strongest signal to your circadian clock to stay steady,” says Dr. Wu. Changing your bedtime is less of a detriment to that clock, she adds, so it’s better to adjust on that end if need be.

Beyond these adjustments, there isn’t much can do to actually make up for lost sleep. As noted above, it’s a misconception to think that you can just knock out all your sleep debt by sleeping for the full length of time that you’ve deprived yourself. It’s for that reason that Dr. Wu thinks we need to reframe the concept of sleep debt entirely.

“The term ‘sleep debt’ is both too scary and not scary enough,” says Dr. Wu. On the one hand, the health detriments of not getting enough sleep are widely known, and it’s important to be proactive about getting enough quality sleep each night. But on the other hand, the idea that you can never really pay off a sleep deficit may feel super unnerving. Instead, it’s best to banish the all-or-nothing thinking and land somewhere in the middle. The truth? Sleep is flexible, and our bodies are resilient and can adjust when we have slip-ups.

While you can’t necessarily gain back sleep you didn’t get, you can set a better path forward. Rather than stress over lost sleep—which can, paradoxically, make it harder to fall asleep the next night, worsening your sleep deficit—focus on practicing good sleep hygiene whenever you can.

That starts with listening to your body and going to bed when you’re tired. If there are outside forces preventing you from being able to do that, see where you can make adjustments in your schedule to prioritize your sleep. In addition to setting a bedtime and a wake-up time, consider creating a bedtime routine to ensure you actually abide by that bedtime, and again, taking short power naps in the afternoons to nix daytime tiredness. Following these steps will help ensure that you’re getting enough high-quality sleep on the regular—so, you don’t run the risk of racking up sleep debt in the first place.

The idea first came to Marin, author of Sex Talks, when she confronted a dip in physical intimacy in her own relationship. In the first few months of the pandemic, when stay-at-home orders were in place, Marin realized that she and her husband of 15 years weren’t kissing each other hardly at all—which was unusual for them. “The night my husband and I met, we spent six hours making out, but then we got a couple years into our relationship, and I couldn’t tell you the last time we made out for more than a minute if it wasn’t around sex,” she says. When the pandemic hit, their kissing dry spell became a full-on drought.

“It has created this special connection and really brought the sense of intimacy and excitement back into our relationship.”—Vanessa Marin, LMFT, sex therapist

To regain some of that early physical excitement, Marin and her husband decided to try making out with each other every night, incorporating just a 30-second or minute-long make-out session as part of their nighttime routine before bed. And they enjoyed this quarantine ritual so much, they’re still going with the nightly make-outs three years later.

“The point was just to have a couple quick moments where we were fully present with each other and to try to channel some of that teenager energy,” says Marin, describing the unique hotness of a make-out session at an age when sex might not have been on the table. To similar effect, making out every night has become a way for Marin and her husband to engage in physical intimacy without necessarily tying it to the additional time and energetic burden of having sex. “It has created this special connection and really brought the sense of intimacy and excitement back into our relationship,” she says.

Below, Marin shares how and why making out with your partner every night before bed can help reignite the passion—and keep it burning—in a long-term relationship.

Why making out with your partner every night can boost your relationship

Many of the couples that Marin sees in her practice express to her that they miss the early stages of their relationship—when it was riddled with less shared responsibilities and more shared passion, and when the opportunity for kissing and sex wasn’t always a given. As life happens and connections deepen, raw physical passion can take a backseat.

And that’s where making out with your partner every night can come into play. These make-out sessions provide a dedicated opportunity for physical connection that might otherwise fall the wayside in long-term relationships, especially when the day-to-day tasks of work, cohabitation, and/or coparenting become all-consuming. “By the time you get into bed at night…the idea of having sex feels like this huge burden because you’re so disconnected from each other,” says Marin. “Making out is a way of keeping some of that sexual tension and excitement alive [without the added pressure of sex].”

Indeed, many long-term couples who’ve long graduated from the honeymoon phase only engage in passionate kissing or making out as a means to initiate sex, says Marin, which can create a strong link between any kind of physical contact and sex. Unfortunately, that tends to lead to less intimacy overall: If every passionate touch is linked with sex, you’re probably not going to kiss your partner unless you’re fully ready to get it on. And assuming that any physical contact from a partner implies a bid for sex could lead you to bristle or cringe upon being touched when you’re not in the mood for sex.

Adding more kissing into your partnership just for kissing’s sake can help detach physical intimacy from full-on sex, thereby lowering the barrier for participation. That is, it might just feel easier to kiss a partner more frequently if there’s no subtext of sex. And kissing more often can only do positive things for your mutual feelings of intimacy and connection.

That’s why Marin especially recommends the practice of making out with your partner every night to long-term couples who are feeling disconnected—but she also contends that any couple can benefit from it.

To get started, try it out for a month, and see where it leads without putting any pressure on yourselves. Just like anything you commit to doing every day, the result won’t always be the same. As for Marin and her husband’s experience? “Some nights, [the kissing] does lead to more,” she says. “But some nights, we’re exhausted, and we’re just like, ‘Great, that was 10 seconds of fun contact.'” On other nights, they might forgo the kissing altogether (for instance, if they’re having a fight or one of them is sick). But in general, they try to kiss for at least a few seconds each night with no expectations of it leading to anything else.

You can also adjust the practice to make it yours, adds Marin. For example, if you don’t like kissing with tongue, don’t, and if you’d rather make out in the morning instead of at night, go for that instead. And if kissing really isn’t pleasurable to you at all, she suggests trying some other form of daily physical contact, whether that’s cuddling, hugging, or holding hands on the couch. “The idea is to choose something that feels very practicable and doable, no matter how tired you might be,” she says.

That feeling of warmth and delight that comes from experiencing little bursts of happiness has a name: joy snacking. Coined by Dr. Richard Sima, PhD, neuroscientist and columnist at The Washington Post, the idea is that experiencing sustained joy through encountering small wonders throughout the day will contribute to an overall sense of calm and happiness. He cites research published last February in the journal Nature of Human Behavior, which found that appreciating even the small occurrences of joy we encounter throughout the day can be beneficial and lend meaning to our lives.

And there are evidence-based reasons why something seemingly small, like a favorite song playing on shuffle or petting a cute dog, lifts moods.

The science of joy snacking

While the scientific study of happiness and joy is relatively new, studies have found that experiencing joy causes the brain to release chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins, and norepinephrine that are responsible for pleasurable feelings and happy associations with certain activities. And there are numerous mental and physical health benefits to experiencing the positive emotions that fall under the broad category of joy, like gratitude, optimism, amusement, and awe, such as lower risk of cardiac events and increased longevity.

It’s human instinct to chase these feelings because “intuitively and evolutionarily we approach things that we predict or anticipate will be pleasurable and will result in joy, and we withdraw or try to escape from things that are threatening or unpleasant,” says Emiliana Simon-Thomas, PhD, science director at the University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.

However, according to Dr. Simon-Thomas, another reason joy feels so good to us is because it’s a salve for the fast pace of modern life. Because of all the commitments people have, even leisure activities—like reading for a book club—can be made more weighty by being tied up with commitments.

Additionally, Dr. Simon-Thomas adds that American society can make it feel like joy comes from material possessions primarily; she says deriving joy solely from material goods and circumstances doesn’t work as a long-term strategy because it requires certain privileges to attain these things.

The fast pace of life means it’s not always possible to make time for big events and happenings that make us happy, and it also means it can be tough to appreciate small joys in the moment as well. So it’s important to slot in even the little moments of awe and wonder (aka joy) whenever you can.

Aside from simply experiencing the joyful moments themselves, it’s key to take time to reflect and appreciate them. Studies have found that savoring, or appreciating and marinating in happy thoughts, benefits sleep and overall well-being. Reflection is an essential piece of Dr. Simon-Thomas’ research through the Big Joy Project, a program that presents people around the world with brief, joy inducing exercises for seven days, and helps them learn to incorporate joy into their daily lives; part of the program involves reflections on how the micro-acts of joy made participants feel. “Taking a minute to really dwell and savor rebalances the landscape of the mental experience so you can have those important, positive moments,” says Dr. Simon-Thomas. It helps to reinforce the happy emotional response you’re feeling. Over time, the more you focus on small moments of joy in your day to day, the more likely you are to seek them out and recalibrate your attention on these little moments of bliss.

How to find and recognize joy in your life

So how does one find joy exactly? According to Dr. Simon-Thomas, through practice and repetition—you don’t make a habit of opening yourself up to experiencing joy without practice. And it doesn’t have to be complicated; she says it could be as simple as deciding to take a 10 minute break from work to go outside and examine a cool tree, if that makes you happy.

“If you purposefully and intentionally create experiences that are more in the direction of savoring joy and social connection those experiences are going to come more readily without effort over time.”—Emiliana Simon-Thomas, PhD,

The first step is to make time for it in your schedule. Block off time in your calendar, if that’s what it takes. The key, Dr. Simon-Thomas says, is to build this into your routine repeatedly so that eventually you won’t have to schedule it. “If you purposefully and intentionally create experiences that are more in the direction of savoring joy and social connection those experiences are going to come more readily without effort over time,” she says.

How joy snacking for 2 weeks helped me feel happier and more fulfilled

Because the goal of joy snacking is to evaluate how tiny, unexpected things that bring me joy, make me feel, I thought it would be useful to pinpoint what these are in advance. So I started by making a list of all the little things that make me happy that I encounter in my day-to-day life.

I went as granular as I could, and ended up with a list that included some experiences I often overlook such as: opening my window to the sun in the morning, seeing my neighbors walking their dogs on my daily walks, the tulips starting to open in the garden at the end of my block, the smell of espresso and freshly-baked pastries at my favorite coffee shop, the happiness I feel when I spot my friend across the street before meeting up, etc.

Once I had an idea of what to look for, I made sure to structure my schedule so I would encounter at least several of these each day. However, I didn’t want to alter my behavior too much. I also decided to include time at the end of each week to reflect on how these little encounters with joy made me feel, and to jot down some notes at the end of each day to remember what I did. With these parameters in place, I set out to see how appreciating the little things would make me feel.

Week 1

The experiment got off to a good start as I have a set morning routine that is fairly simple, but makes me happy. Parting the curtains and letting the sun through my bedroom window got me off to a great start each morning—the mood-boosting effects of sunlight being what they are.

On my daily walks, I specifically rolled by houses and neighborhoods known to have beautiful plants and architecture. Plants were starting to bloom all around Washington D.C. where I live, and I particularly find botanicals and gardens mood-boosting, so I made sure to walk on routes that would take me past artfully arranged gardens and flower beds. I also took time to sit on the patio at my local café instead of heading straight home with my coffee, and found myself chatting with other patrons and especially their dogs tied up outside. These interactions made me happy so early in the morning, and like I’d built tighter community bonds, too. I got home a bit later than usual, but that was okay because I felt more energized once I did return. I also invited my friends to join me when they could which was a nice pick-me-up.

As work ramped up during the day, it became a bit tougher to appreciate the little things. In the afternoon when I became super busy, I tried to turn to the little joys that I know make me happy, like lighting a scented candle, preparing a nourishing lunch, and tossing laundry into the machine to get a head start on my post-work to-do list. I made sure to incorporate daily walks and ate lunch away from my desk, too.

When afternoons rolled into evenings, the stressors of the outside world tested me, too—I tried to see the particularly long line at Trader Joe’s not as an annoyance or inconvenience, but as an opportunity to listen to more of my podcast, catch up with my mom over the phone, and browse through the seasonal items on display more closely.

Week 2

I was encouraged after a successful first week, but I found it tougher to appreciate the little things over the second half of this experiment because I was quite stressed before heading out on vacation. Staying up late tossed me off my routine, so I found that I spent one day not going outside much at all and totally locked into my computer. Cold, miserable weather didn’t help motivate me, either.

Not going outside for a few days, however, greatly decreased my opportunities to experience simple pleasures, so I adjusted and made sure to put myself in the best position to encounter joy by getting back to my routine and making sure to leave the house. I repeated many of the same activities as I did in the first week, but added some new ones.

During a several-day stretch of rain, I pulled my coziest knit blanket out of my winter clothes box and put new batteries in my twinkle lights to create a comfy, amber-hued vibe in my bedroom that was perfect for watching TV and drifting to sleep. On another day after Pilates class, I decided to shower at the gym and use the available fancy bath products and salon-quality hair tools rather than sprint home to my own bathroom.

Even just this small swap had me feeling refreshed and like I’d emerged from a spa. I also made time to make my comforting meals, like soups and stews, and FaceTimed my friends while I cooked. And on my walks, I tried to savor the smell of the rain on the plants and pavement, and how it made everything sparkle.

Making these adjustments when the other small joys I’d learned to love and appreciate weren’t available turned the week around quickly. By reorienting to what was accessible to me and not focusing on what wasn’t, I salvaged things.

The takeaway

Overall, I found myself feeling lighter and more at ease during the two week period I tried joy snacking. At the end, I felt a greater sense of relief and calm than I had before I started. Experiencing these small pings of happiness helped alleviate some of the stressors of daily life, and taking time to notice and appreciate them as they came along made me feel fulfilled.

Removing the pressure to feel a sense of accomplishment felt good—building in small joys that didn’t require a lot of effort or energy had a therapeutic effect on me, too. Reflecting on how this made me feel is also going to be part of my routine from now on as well. I found myself looking forward to recounting which small experiences made me happiest. I don’t plan to stop joy snacking just because the experiment is over, either. I plan to continue to fill my days with the little things that make them brighter.

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, the bristle reaction is an involuntary response. It’s subtle, but it can be very confusing and even upsetting to both partners. “It’s someone you presumably love and trust, yet you’re having this very intense reaction to this very simple touch,” she says. But bristling doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, and it’s a reaction that can be rewired with time.

Why someone may develop a bristle reaction

Compared to the early days of courting, the amount of physical touch tends to lessen the longer a couple is together. A bristle reaction may develop if the only time partners initiate this type of affection is as a form of foreplay, which can make simple gestures feel loaded and like a means to an end—hence why someone may bristle at such advances if they’re caught off guard or not in the mood. “We start to make this association that when my partner touches me or tries to kiss me, it’s supposed to lead to sex, so it can lead us to develop this hyper-vigilance to our partner’s touch,” Marin explains.

“We start to make this association that when my partner touches me or tries to kiss me it’s supposed to lead to sex, so it can lead us to develop this hyper-vigilance to our partner’s touch.”—Vanessa Marin, LMFT

Coupled with this, many people in longer-term relationships may stop initiating sex clearly with their words, which means the hints that someone desires sex are mostly physical. They may know each other so well that they can read each other’s non-verbal cues, but relying only on this is imprecise and can even be jarring and confusing, especially when you’re not in the headspace for sex. “If you’re not in the mood at that moment and you feel your partner coming in for some contact, your walls are going to go up as a protective mechanism,” Marin says. In these moment’s it’s important to remember that the bristle reaction is an involuntary response, and may not reflect how you genuinely feel about bids for affection from your S.O.

What the bristle reaction means

While it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re no longer attracted to your partner, a bristle reaction is a good indication that there’s something worth examining. Marin says it could mean there’s some communication missing, it could indicate you feel disconnected, or that there is unresolved tension at play. And it’s not an inherently negative reaction, but more of a surprised one.

No matter the reason, Kiana Reeves, somatic sex educator and chief content officer of sexual wellness company Foria, recommends not pushing through the bristle reaction in the moment because involuntary bodily responses are chances to go deeper and examine what’s happening underneath that hasn’t been expressed. It could mean that you’re not in the mood for sex, or you don’t feel comfortable being touched in that specific way at that moment.

To figure out why you are bristling, Reeves recommends following this protocol in the moment: pause, notice the emotion, communicate the emotion, and identify the need. “Usually when you start to pay attention to the sensation, an emotion rises with it,” she says. For example, maybe you notice that you feel lonely, and you in turn communicate to your partner that rather than have sex, you’d like to be held or kissed instead.

This initial conversation can be with yourself, but it could eventually be an avenue for a longer, honest dialogue with your partner, which she says could increase intimacy. “It actually could be a beautiful opening in a relationship to say ‘I love when you touch me and kiss me, but you only do that when you want sex and it makes me feel objectified, or ‘I love when you kiss me, but when you come at me with your tongue it’s too intense,’” Reeves says.

3 ways to get over the bristle reaction

1. Ask your partner to use their words to initiate sex

A key cause of the bristle reaction is the element of surprise. Marin recommends couples initiate sex with their words, rather than by touching so the request is clear. “If we’re not clear with our communication there are so many opportunities to miss each other and miscommunicate,” she says. Direct verbal initiation takes any guesswork out of the equation. When you’re in the mood to have sex, tell your partner clearly.

2. Incorporate more touch in your daily life that isn’t tied to sex

Another key underlying factor of the bristle reaction is the association with physical touch leading to sex. Touching each other more often without sex involved helps disentangle this connection. “You want to break the connection that touch is supposed to lead to sex,” Marin says. Couples should try incorporating more kisses, hugs, back rubs, and massages into their day-to-day routine just because.

3. Tell your partner your favorite ways to be touched

Marin says that another cause of the bristle reaction is being touched in an unwelcome way or in a place you don’t like. For example, not everyone will appreciate being smacked on the butt or having their arm or leg grazed. But rather than listing all the things they’re doing wrong, she recommends letting your partner know exactly how you’d like to be touched; she says many couples don’t share this information with each other, and that this is a great opportunity to do so. “It’s easier and more fun to share your favorite ways you’d like to be touched,” she says. “Pick your top three and say, ‘I love it when you touch me in this place, in this way.’”

So to recap

If you find yourself involuntarily bristling at your partner’s touch, know that this doesn’t automatically mean you no longer love them or are attracted to them. Quite often, it’s an indicator that there is some underlying, unexpressed emotions at play—not totally atypical in long-term relationships. So before you go any further, the first thing you want to do is see if you can identify what feelings the physical touch is bringing up for you or what need is going unmet, then share that info with your partner. Chances are there is a breakdown in communication somewhere that needs to be sorted out. And remember that the most effective way to clear the air is through honest, clear, direct talking. It’s the fastest way to turn bristling back into butterflies.

Devised by sleep psychologist Shelby Harris, PsyD, in collaboration with meditation app Calm, the five sleep languages categorize people’s sleeping habits based on the hurdles they face getting a good night’s rest. In treating patients for sleep issues over the years, Dr. Harris noticed that the sleep struggles her patients were experiencing tended to fall into one of five general categories. And she used those observations to create the five sleep languages: the “Words of Worry” sleeper, the “Gifted” sleeper, the “Routine Perfectionist” sleeper, the “Too Hot to Handle” sleeper, and the “Light as a Feather” sleeper.

“Figuring out…the primary thing that gets in the way of you getting good sleep can give you [a clear idea] of what you might want to focus on first.” —Shelby Harris, PsyD, sleep psychologist

These broad categories are meant to be a starting point, and certainly, some people may find that they exhibit habits from more than one of the sleep languages. “Figuring out your main characteristic or what might be the primary thing that gets in the way of you getting good sleep can give you [a clear idea] of what you might want to focus on first in order to improve your sleep,” says Dr. Harris, whom I spoke with in relation to her partnership with Calm.

While every type of sleeper can benefit from practicing good sleep hygiene, Dr. Harris also has specific tips for people who align with each of the sleep languages. In this way, the categories can guide you to the particular information you need on how to get better sleep, based on the main type of sleep challenges you’re facing. “It’s about making good sleep more approachable,” says Dr. Harris, of the five-part framework.

Below, find a breakdown of Dr. Harris’s five sleep languages, including her tailored solutions for how each type of sleeper can catch more restful zzz’s.

The 5 Sleep Languages and Tips for Translating Each Into a Better Night’s Rest

1. The “Words of Worry” sleeper

A busy mind that won’t turn off and that turns easily to despairing thoughts is the hallmark of this sleep language. “Words of Worry” sleepers either have trouble falling asleep or wake up throughout the night because of their anxious thoughts. They may also fall into the trap of rumination (engaging in a repetitive negative thought pattern that can trigger or worsen stress, anxiety, and depression) or catastrophizing (jumping to worst-case-scenario conclusions).

If this is your sleep language, Dr. Harris suggests starting a pre-bed wind-down routine somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour before you plan to go to bed in order to give yourself plenty of time to switch gears. As part of that ritual, include activities that will help you to quiet a racing mind and shift into a calmer state of being, like practicing a sleep meditation or even singing your worries to the tune of, “Happy Birthday” (one of Dr. Harris’s personal favorite sleep tips). And aim to avoid potentially stress-inducing activities like working from your bed and doomscrolling social media and the news.

If you find that you often wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep, your best bet is to get out of bed, go to a different room, and do a quiet activity (like reading), until you start to feel drowsy enough to get back to sleep.

2. The “Gifted” sleeper

As the name implies, this type of sleeper is very good at sleeping (perhaps, too good). They can fall asleep pretty much anywhere and at any time, no matter the light, noise, or comfort level of their surroundings. And as a result, they’re typically a very good napper, too.

That ability to drop into sleep at a moment’s notice, however, can actually speak to an underlying sleep issue. (Remember the too good part?) “If you’re a gifted sleeper who has no problems throughout the day, that’s totally fine,” says Dr. Harris. “But if you’re excessively sleepy and falling asleep anywhere and everywhere, I would argue that you may actually need to see a sleep doctor because you’re likely at high risk of a car accident [if you drive], and you may have an undiagnosed sleep disorder or medication issue that could cause more problems in the long run.”

If you speak this sleep language, consider if you just aren’t spending enough time in bed. Falling asleep super quickly, in fewer than five minutes, may just be a sign of sleep deprivation, according to Dr. Harris. But, if you’re getting plenty of sleep each night (the recommended seven hours or greater), and you still feel as if you could fall asleep at any point throughout the day, then Dr. Harries recommends seeing a sleep doctor, as the quality of sleep you’re getting is likely lacking.

3. The “Routine Perfectionist” sleeper

This sleeper is the one who feels the need to abide by a strict sleep schedule and precise pre-bed routine…sometimes, to a fault. They may feel anxious or stressed about not getting enough or good-quality sleep if the conditions around their sleep or bed setup don’t exactly match their ideal. And as a result, they tend to face the most difficulty sleeping when traveling or otherwise sleeping away from home.

If this is you, it’s important to remember that while establishing and maintaining a pre-bed routine can be beneficial, an overly rigid routine can, paradoxically, make sleep harder to come by—especially if it triggers anxiety around sleep. After all, sleep is something that tends to get more elusive the more you explicitly chase it.

For that reason, Dr. Harris suggests switching up parts of your sleep routine on occasion (maybe you listen to an audiobook one night or try wearing an eye mask on another) and changing the order of things you do before bed to keep it fresh. Also, it’s important to acknowledge the fact that sometimes, the distractions of life will get in the way of your sleep schedule and routine—and that’s okay.

4. The “Too Hot to Handle” sleeper

This sleeper is the person who always tends to overheat at night—the one who’s waking up in a pool of sweat or tossing and turning beneath the covers, feeling like they’re too hot to even fall asleep in the first place. While anyone can fall into this category, people who are experiencing perimenopause or menopause are commonly “Too Hot to Handle” sleepers, given the prevalence of hot flashes and night sweats during this phase of life.

If this resonates, you’ll benefit greatly from swapping out your pajamas and bedding for more breathable, moisture-wicking options and turning down the temperature in your bedroom, so that it’s ideally somewhere between 60 and 68 degrees Fahrenheit, according to Dr. Harris.

5. The “Light as a Feather” sleeper

A person who speaks this sleep language may not have issues getting enough sleep but will still wake up tired because the sleep they clocked wasn’t deep, restful sleep for any number of different reasons (including not prioritizing sleep, having a sleep disorder, or experiencing a side effect from a medication). They also tend to be especially sensitive to sound and light and are roused easily from slumber.

If you’re in this camp, it’s best to focus on improving the regularity of your sleep, which can, in turn, boost sleep quality. That means setting and sticking to a consistent bedtime and wake-up time (which can help ensure that your body moves through all the stages of every sleep cycle, including the deepest ones) and avoiding napping during the day, so that your body is at peak tiredness come nighttime.

And again, if you are getting a sufficient amount of sleep on the regular, but still feel like you’re missing out on deep sleep or not waking up well-rested, Dr. Harris suggests seeing a sleep doctor just to make sure that a sleep condition like teeth grinding or sleep apnea might not be the root of the issue.

The brand’s launch in more than 260 Sephora locations—with four of its products—is a big win for bringing sexual-wellness and intimate-care products out of the shadows, away from stigma, and into the hands of more people, says Maude founder and CEO Éva Goicochea. “We’ve always believed that [the intimate care category] needed to be in a prestige retailer because when you only see it in sex shops and drugstores, it continues the discomfort and the commodification of the category,” she says.“But when you start to see it in places in which you would buy your beloved personal-care item or your beauty products, you start to recognize that this category is just as important—context is everything in terms of evolving sexual wellness.”

How the in-store Maude launch at Sephora is a win for accessibility to intimate care

Sephora has been selling sexual-wellness products online for over a year from Maude and also Dame. And given the positive consumer reception, the move to an in-store offering is hardly surprising. In late 2022, Cindy Deily, Vice President of Skin-Care Merchandising at Sephora, told Well+Good that the sexual-wellness category is growing for the beauty retailer: “Sephora clients are actively shopping the category…We look forward to continued growth and expansion as we strive to meet the evolving needs of our clients.”

There’s more good news for consumers hungry for intimate-care products: According to market projections, the global sexual wellness market—which includes things like sex toys, condoms, lube, and supplements—is expected to grow from $28.22 billion this year to $44.23 billion by 2028.

While work to destigmatize intimate-care and sexual-health products is not done, Sephora selling Maude in-store is a big step forward. Maude’s products are available in other stores worldwide, but Sephora’s status as a massive purveyor of quality luxury goods is especially important to Goicochea. Housing Maude’s products under that luxe umbrella, she says, helps bring intimate-care products into the mainstream and chips away the stigma associated with them.

“When you only see [intimate care products] only in sex shops and drugstores, it continues the discomfort and the commodification of the category.”—Éva Goicochea, Maude’s founder and CEO

The in-store launch also presents an opportunity for a wide range of customers to find what they need in one place. Goicochea points out that there’s a variety of cosmetics and skin-care options available across retailers. That is, whether you want bold or minimal makeup products, there are many brands from which to choose and venues where you can find them (think: a blush at a department store, luxury boutique, or in the aisles of the drugstore). That’s not really the case right now for products related to sex and intimacy. “We should be able to have choices,” she says. With Maude products in Sephora, she’s making that happen.

The four in-store Maude products at Sephora include a massage candle, lubricant, and two body wash products, which Goicochea says specifically bridge the gap between skin and body care that anyone can use. Shop them below (and keep an eye out for them next time you hit Sephora).

Shop the 4 Maude products available now in Sephora stores:

Maude: Burn Massage Candle in Scent No. 1 — $30.00

This massage candle contains skin-softening jojoba oil. It’s scented with amber, cedar leaf, clove, lemongrass, medjool date, and tonka bean.

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Maude: Wash pH Balanced Body Wash and Bubble Bath in No. 0 — $22.00

The unscented version of Maude’s ph-balanced body wash can also be used in a soothing bubble bath.

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Maude: Shine Ultra-Hydrating, Organic Aloe-Based Personal Lubricant — $18.00

This aloe-based lubricant is one of Maude’s core products and addresses dryness.

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Maude: Wash pH Balanced Body Wash and Bubble Bath in No. 3 — $22.00

This body wash and bubble bath combo smells like eucalyptus, sandalwood, cassis, and Haitian vetiver.

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“Every time the sun meets up with a planet, it’s a really special moment because it’s a restart to its cycle.”—Kirah Tabourn, astrologer

This transit is a highlight on this week’s episode of The Well+Good Podcast, during which host and director of podcasts Taylor Camille speaks with astrologer Kirah Tabourn about what the cosmos has in store for us in the months of April, May, and June. The Jupiter cazimi is “one of the best little alignments we get [in 2023],” says Tabourn. “Every time the sun meets up with a planet, it’s a really special moment because it’s a restart to its cycle.”

Listen to the full episode here:

Why the 2023 Jupiter cazimi will bring luck for all signs, but especially so for Sagittarius and Pisces

According to Tabourn, any planet being in cazimi is a special moment, bringing an opportunity for growth and renewal around themes associated with that planet. Essentially, the sun acts as a spark to the planet’s core quality—which is, in this case, Jupiter’s penchant for luck and fortune. As a result, we can all expect an extra dose of good vibes around April 11.

But given that Jupiter is Sagittarius’s modern-day planetary ruler and Pisces’s traditional planetary ruler (before Neptune was discovered), these two signs can expect to really experience Jupiter’s beneficent touch on the Jupiter cazimi. Because the sun and Jupiter will both be in Aries—a self-starter cardinal sign of the fire element—the energy of this particular cazimi will also have an extra tinge of intensity to it, with which fellow fire sign Sagittarius may especially resonate.

Naturally optimistic, curious, and fun-loving, Sagittarians can expect to feel like the best versions of themselves during this Jupiter cazimi, according to Tabourn. That’s especially true because it falls in their fifth house of pleasure and play, making this an ideal day for all Sagittarians to lean into fun, sex, and socializing. So, Sag, if you have any leisure plans you’ve been putting off, pencil them into your calendar for April 11, and approach them with gusto. “It’s a really great time for Sagittarius to feel energized, clear, and motivated,” says Tabourn.

For Pisces, the lucky energy of the 2023 Jupiter cazimi will also hit in a big way—but perhaps more materially. The meetup of the sun and Jupiter in Aries will happen in Pisces’s second house, which governs finances, value, ownership, and possessions. This could mean you’re due to receive a tax refund, Pisces, or perhaps, a bonus at work, or some other influx of material resources that’ll pad your bank account…or otherwise enhance your perception of your worth and value.

Not a Sagittarius or a Pisces? Not to worry. For more of Tabourn’s insights on what the astrology of the spring season will bring for every zodiac sign, listen to the full podcast episode here.

Graham, who has a three-year-old son and one-year-old twin sons, and Kloss, who has a two-year-old son, have also joined forces as investors and ambassadors in Coterie, a direct-to-consumer baby product company known for its soft, leak-resistant diapers and plant-based wipes.

In collaboration with the brand and in honor of their new campaign, Graham and Kloss spoke with Well+Good about how their friendship has informed their parenting, the most challenging parts of new motherhood, and the benefits of having each other—another new mom who gets it—to lean on for support.

Well+Good: How has your friendship helped you navigate motherhood?

Karlie Kloss: Ashley has saved me all the struggles, and she’s been such a guiding light on the path to being a new mom. She normalizes this path by sharing so many of both the beautiful moments and the challenging moments. That really helped prepare me. It’s overwhelming at times, but it’s also such a beautiful chapter of life, and it makes it even more special to go through it with people like that.

Ashley Graham: It’s just nice to know I can call Karlie and that I have access to somebody who I would take advice from for [anything]. That’s kind of what you need when you become a new mom, to have those outlets that aren’t family or your partner…someone who has a sound mind and can give you some great advice.

W+G: What’s the best thing you’ve learned from your other parent friends?

AG: A lot of my questions were scheduling questions, because for me, if I don’t have a schedule, I feel so chaotic and not productive. I know that if I’m not productive, it’s not going to be good for my mental state. I’ve especially leaned on my friends who have a lot of kids because when you add two and three, it’s like, holy smokes—how does this work?

KK: Ashley, yet again you’re paving the path for me. Someday, you can just give me the Cliffs Notes on how you do this. My advice is to find a friend like Ashley who is just slightly ahead [in terms of experience in parenting].

W+G: Ashley, you have a set of twins. What’s that like, and what has having twins taught you about parenting?

AG: It was probably harder when they were really little because I was so much more sleep-deprived, but it’s easier now that everybody is sleeping and on a schedule. These days, it’s just a constant playdate. I don’t necessarily have to call anyone for my kids to socialize, and that is such a blessing now because they are one another’s entertainment.

W+G: What is the hardest thing no one told you about parenthood? What is the most effortless thing?

AG: For me, the most effortless part is just getting on the floor and playing. I love it—I just like getting on the floor, being a dinosaur, and building those LEGOs. It does get exhausting, but it’s still the most effortless part of parenting [for me] because I like that childlike play. The hardest part is probably waking up every freaking morning at 6:30 a.m. so I can have a little bit of me-time before all the little dudes wake up and start begging for food.

KK: It’s so funny because this is exactly where the difference between one and three [kids] is. With one, now that my son is sleeping through the night and I’m also getting sleep, I wake up every morning so giddy to run to his room and scoop him up out of bed. It feels like such a gift. The most effortless thing is the same thing.

During the pandemic, when I was pregnant, I had time to read the books and do the prep, and I think there’s only so much you can really prepare for this chapter of life and how much you grow, as well. I’ve found that there is something really instinctual in this experience, but I’ve been surprised about how natural I feel knowing in my gut about what feels right and what doesn’t for him. It’s not coming out of a book, and it’s not going to come from family members or unsolicited opinions. Ashley is somebody who has reinforced that confidence [I have in myself].

W+G: If you could go back in time before having your first child and tell yourself one thing about parenthood, what would you say?

KK: I would say, don’t be in a rush to figure it all out—and enjoy the moment.

This interview’s been edited for length and clarity. 

Coterie Diaper — $90.00

These diapers are made from soft, natural materials and prevent leaks. Available for delivery from $90 per month.

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Knowing the right and wrong questions to ask is one part of it. You want to give a good impression, but also to evaluate the person to see if you’d like to get to know them better. So how do you do this? A matchmaker has tips for first date mistakes to avoid.

Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, has coached numerous clients through first dates, and has listened to their tales of woe and triumph. She says a first date, whether you’re dating to find a long term relationship or shorter term fun, is all about giving off the best first impression possible. “Your first date is for getting to a second date and being a good flirter,” she says.

“Your first date is for getting to a second date and being a good flirter.”—Susan Trombetti, matchmaker

Trombetti has seen it all, and has some advice for what not to do on a first date if you’d like to be invited on a second one. Read on for the first date mistakes this matchmaker advises you not to make if you want a successful first date.

The 4 mistakes this matchmaker advises not to make on a first date

1. Getting drunk

A boost of liquid courage may be a good idea, but drinking too much can quickly tip the date from fun and flirty into sloppy and messy.

While everyone is affected by alcohol differently, Trombetti recommends her clients stick to a two-drink maximum to keep it “classy and sassy.” She advises this because too many drinks can cause someone to be too uninhibited and overshare or start arguing. Also, keep your safety in mind—don’t drink so much that your awareness of your surroundings is impaired.

2. Talking about an ex

According to Trombetti, speaking at length about an ex partner, whether in complimentary or derogatory terms, is a major turnoff. “I could talk for two hours about this, but there should be no talk about an ex or someone that you find attractive,” she says. Trombetti says it’s better to avoid talking about others in general to make the person you’re on a date with feel like you’re focused and excited to get to know them. It can also come off as bragging.

Additionally, don’t take this time to brag about all the other attractive people you’re currently dating, or if there are others you find good looking where you are (for example, a waiter or waitress if you’re at a restaurant).

And don’t dump all your drama and baggage with your ex on the first date, because it can be overwhelming and scare someone off.

3. Using your phone

Another cardinal mistake Trombetti advises daters not to make is being fixated by your phone. If you have an emergency that’s one thing, but you shouldn’t be incessantly scrolling, texting, or talking on your phone during a first date because it’s rude and distracting.

Center your attention on your date so you can make a judgment about how you feel about them. You don’t have to turn your phone off entirely, but be mindful of how often you’re looking at it and using it. “Usually my clients have enough sense not to do this,” Trombetti says.

4. Grilling your date

Remember that you’re on a date, not a job interview. It’s great to share your interests and passions, but hounding a date about the news, politics, their beliefs, or anything else can make you look inconsiderate and controlling, Trombetti says.

Questioning your date so intensely can come across as annoying, harassing, or even creepy and those are vibes you don’t want to put out on a first date. It can come across as testing your date’s intelligence and patience, which is not a good feeling. Your goal is for your date to remember you as someone they’d like to get to know better. “If you miss that flirtatious fun at the beginning of a relationship, you’re going nowhere fast,” Trombetti says.

There are ways to find out if you’re compatible. Ask questions and be interesting without hounding your date, Trombetti advises. Make sure they’re allowed to get a word in edgewise, and be sure to ask them questions in turn.

Keeping the vibe light and fun doesn’t mean you have to avoid all depth and stick to surface-level topics. Act authentically and be yourself.

But a new tool in the anti-burnout toolbox has emerged that takes the pressure off the first day of the week and alleviates the ‘Sunday scaries,’ or the forboding feeling of returning to work. Enter: Bare minimum Monday, the concept of creating a soft landing pad for yourself at work post weekend to preserve your mental health and avoid burnout.

What is a bare minimum Monday?

Coined on TikTok and proliferated by Gen-Z workers, the phrase refers to starting the week slowly by putting in the bare minimum amount of effort to get through the first day back after the weekend. This means accomplishing only the very essential tasks needed for the day (rather than hitting the ground running) as a means of preserving your energy and preventing running out of gas before Friday.

Keren Wasserman, organizational development program manager at mental health benefits company Lyra Health, says this is actually a good practice because it lets workers prioritize balancing their own well-being with their workloads.

“It’s important to put the caveat that it isn’t about trying to get out of work; it’s about making work better.”—Jennifer Moss, author of The Burnout Epidemic: The Rise of Chronic Stress and How We Can Fix It

And putting in the bare minimum doesn’t necessarily mean not doing anything, or even necessarily being unproductive (rest is in fact productive and necessary for our overall health). This practice gives employees the power to decide for themselves the best way to utilize their time. “It’s not that you’re not doing anything,” says  Jennifer Moss, author of The Burnout Epidemic: The Rise of Chronic Stress and How We Can Fix It, says. “It’s important to put the caveat that it isn’t about trying to get out of work; it’s about making work better.”

This idea also hits back directly at some of the detrimental practices that can emerge at work, like toxic productivity or the idea that one needs to be productive at all times. “I don’t think it’s a matter of can I allow my to-do list to slip or not, but it’s more about what strategic activities can I plan at certain times of the week so I can accomplish my to-do list in the most efficient way possible that’s supportive of my mental health and well-being,” Wasserman says.

Why is bare minimum Monday needed?

Workplace burnout is rampant among American workers. The World Health Organization (WHO) even recognizes workplace burnout and pinpoints three tell-tale signs someone is experiencing it: feeling depleted and exhausted; cynicism about one’s job and increased mental distance from it; and reduced professional efficacy.

Many studies have found that burnout and the factors that contribute to it, like high job stress and unmanageable workloads, contribute to both physical and mental health issues, and make workers less productive. You can’t pour from an empty cup, as they say.

Lyra Health’s 2023 State of Workforce Mental Health Report, which surveyed 2,500 employees and more than 250 employee benefits leaders in the U.S. over a period of three months, found that the employees reported feeling “increasingly stressed and burned out.”

According to Wasserman, this practice aligns with organizational development best practices, which allow employees to have some control over their own time to balance their tasks and well-being. “Really what this is saying is ‘how can we create a work experience that allows people to ease into their week so that they can strategically prioritize their to-do list to give them some brain space to do more deep work at the beginning of the week before hitting the ground running instead of getting pulled into a state of overwhelm where they’re not able to perform at their best,” she says.

For too long, Wasserman adds, the onus on preventing burnout has been on individual workers. “Companies and managers have an opportunity with this concept of a bare minimum Monday to help their employees manage their workloads and prevent burnout,” she says.

Plus, according to Moss, it’s worth trying out any new methods that could prevent burnout among workers. “The only way we’re going to get [workplace burnout] under control is by looking at different strategies to attack these problems because what we’ve been doing so far is not working,” she says.

She also adds that uproar over the names of recent work trends that have to do with employees setting boundaries around work and disengaging from toxic productivity—bare minimum Monday, quiet quitting, rage applying—are unproductive and pull focus from the very real issues in the workplace that these behaviors push back against.

How to plan a bare minimum Monday

To give yourself the best possible set up for the rest of the week, Moss and Wasserman suggest taking some time to pinpoint which tasks are most essential to set you up for the week. Prioritize the most pressing and time-sensitive tasks first, and then use the rest of the day to orient yourself for the week ahead.

Each person’s bare minimum Monday will look different, depending on their specific role. For some, the best way to ease into the week may be getting admin-related tasks out of the way, or scheduling meetings. For others, the day may be a heads-down working day. Or, it may look like networking calls or coffees with coworkers to touch base about ideas—look at your workload, and figure out how your first day back would best be spent.

Moss even practices this herself: she likes to leave her Mondays clear of meetings, except for a call with her business manager, to allow her to ramp up and prepare for the rest of the week.

However you choose to layout your bare minimum Monday, the point is always the same: Structure it in a way that keeps the Sunday scaries at bay.

“Most of us don’t receive sex-positive, explicit sex education,” sex and relationships expert Megan Fleming, PhD, previously told Well+Good. “Too often, couples get caught up in scripted sex or sex that doesn’t feel worth having. Sex therapy gets back to the basics of giving and receiving pleasure.”

A sex therapist can also provide guidance and education on intimacy, as well as provide strategies for increasing desire and pleasure. Plus, they can help to identify any underlying issues that may be contributing to sexual dissatisfaction or lack of sexual fulfillment for both partners.

Joy Berkheimer, LMFT is used to fielding all sorts of questions from the couples who come to her, and she’s sharing the top queries she receives below.

The top 3 questions couples ask this sex therapist

1. How often are people really having sex?

A major topic of curiosity among Berkheimer’s coupled clients is how much sex other people have in comparison to them. She says this usually comes from one person having an opinion about how much sex they’re having and that sometimes they look for her to agree with or validate them; she suspects that that this topic gets discussed before their visit. “They really want [that question] answered in front of the other partner,” she says.

When this question comes up, Berkheimer says she shifts the focus back to the couple and away from others to avoid comparisons, which she calls “literally the thief of all joy,” and which can decrease self-esteem and confidence. “I bring it back to them and say, ‘I would prefer to compare your sex life [now] to your sex life before and not to others peoples’ sex lives because that’s healthier,” she says.

And while she has statistics she can share about how much and how often others report having sex, she emphasizes that those numbers depend on a variety of unique reasons that are different from what others have going on.

2. If don’t desire my partner sexually, does it mean I don’t love them?

Berkheimer says that love and sexual desire aren’t always in lockstep and that “one really may have nothing to do with the other.” This sentiment doesn’t necessarily mean you should break up with your partner—and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner—but it’s worth digging into because it means “something has shifted,” she says.

“It may mean that something has changed in terms of your needs or that your partner has changed, and so, therefore, the person that you were attracted to is not present.”—Joy Berkheimer, sex therapist

There are all sorts of reasons for these shifts. “It may mean that something has changed in terms of your needs or that your partner has changed, and so, therefore, the person that you were attracted to is not present,” she says. Changes in life circumstances and stressors, appearance, demeanor, personality can all play a role in this. Adjustments may need to be made.

3. How do I build intimacy in my relationship?

True intimacy, which Berkheimer defines as “trusting someone with your vulnerability and letting them see you,” is paramount to healthy and fulfilling partnerships. And physical intimacy, which includes sex, is one of the five types of intimacy that can strengthen a relationship, and Berkheimer says her couples are curious about how to build and maintain intimacy in their relationships.

When question about intimacy arise, Berkheimer homes in on two key points and, in turn, asks the couple these questions: First, if they spend time intentionally building intimacy with one another, and second whether something has happened in the relationship that makes it tough for one partner to be vulnerable and trusting of the other.

For couples who haven’t dedicated time to intimacy, Berkheimer typically recommends tantric practices to her clients to get things going. Tantra is an ancient spiritual practice that seeks to combine the energies of the physical and spiritual realms for personal growth and transformation, and the point of these exercises is to create a space for the couple to explore and their desires and to remove the goal of sex to focus on the journey, not the destination.

“The outcome is not ‘I have to have sex,’ it’s ‘I want to be closer to my partner,'” Berkheimer explains. However, she says what’s gained from creating the safe, welcoming space and experimentation will eventually lead to sex.

To address the latter question, Berkheimer asks the couple how the trust and vulnerability can be rebuilt, and helps them do so.

Friendly reminder that these answers from Berkheimer are general jumping off points, and seeing a sex therapist can provide couples with a safe and non–judgmental space to talk openly and honestly about any issues related to sex and intimacy on a deeper level.